[BarrelracingStudent]

Hi my name is bobi. I gave my beautiful son up for adoption 3 years ago. I was recently divorced and started a new relationship with my old high school sweet heart. Around christmas i got pregnant and then when i found out i panicked. I kept riding my horse hoping for a miscarriage because i never wanted kids. So when my dr advised me to stop riding my horse, my fiance (now husband and father of my son) told me no riding and he kept an eye on me.
I decided upon adoption over abortion because my sister can't have kids and she adopted the most wonderful boy in the world. My husbands aunt has the same condition as my sister and so I decided to let them have him. It's an open adoption and I get to see him grow up and happy but it hurts. It cuts just like a knife through me. I feel horrible about wanting him back and to never let him go because i made them so happy. They have a family and i feel like lower than dirt because i want him back. I know i can't but it doesn't change the fact at all. And i made the decision to get my tubes tied so i can't have any kids unless i go through a big fiasco. I am wondering if i made a mistake now. . .

I guess I just need to vent and hope someone out there can help with some insight.

Thanks for reading my ramble.

[kakuehl]

First, welcome. Second, while I'm not sure I have insight to offer, I will say that your feelings are very normal. Try not to beat yourself up too much. One of the greatest difficulties in adoption is that you don't know how you are going to feel down the road. Feel free to vent. I'm a birthmom from the closed era, but there are quite a few women on the forums who have open adoptions who can relate, I'm sure.

Have you had counseling? You are actually dealing with two separate grief issues. One is the loss of your child through adoption and the other the loss of future children though your tubal ligation. You are mourning and that's ok. In fact it's necessary so that you can have peace.

[Laura_s_son_11-96]

Hi there, I am a birthmom and it was hard at first to see pics of my son even though it helped me know that he was ok, but through time it became less hurtful. I truly think that counseling would help you since you have 2 things you are suffering over. I think it makes it harder actually seeing your son on a regular basis. Feel free to vent. I went through alot of emotions in the first few years but counseling helped me.