[lp198720003]

You all have helped so much, thank you. Maybe deep down I'm really having such a hard time because this isn't 100% what I want. Hopefully a therapist will help me sort out these feelings. One last thing, for now at least, for all of you who named the baby? I had originally thought in the begining that I would let them name him but I'm starting to think that even if they change his name that even if I can't provide for him I gave him life and a name.

[geogdeb]

As a bmom I urge you to continue to think about this and to see a therapist if you can. I relinquished 30 years ago and I wish every day that I hadn't. I also did NOT spend time with my baby. "They" told me it would be easier if I didn't see him in the hospital. I saw and held him for a few minutes at the agency before I signed my rights away. They were right, it was easier at that moment. But it wasn't easier for the next 30 years. I was only young and very poor for a short while. Circumstances change quickly. Your love for your son will not change - even if you don't see him.

Get help and make sure you get to see and bond with your son before you decide to relinquish or not. Sometimes it is the right thing to do, but sometimes it just isn't.

Deb

[musemoon]

I am a single adoptive mother of two. Having two kids is hard and a lot of work, but I LOVE my children and everything I do for them and me is worth it. I adopted through foster care, so I am not rolling in money, it's tight, but we have love and family and we are together. We make it work and I am so blessed to be the mother of my children I adore every inch of them. I'm glad that you are going to be seeing a therapist, make sure that they are impartial and not supplied by an adoption agency, that they will be able to help you really make the right decision for you and your family.

Also, newborns need almost nothing. People can't give away newborn clothes there are so many, I am sure you can find free clothes (look at a freecycle in your area, Craigslist, penny saver, salvation army) You can buy stuff so cheap, or talk to churches, family planning places anywhere that can help you get stuff....heck throw a shower...you deserve one! You already know what it is like to have a baby, it really isn't that much harder to have two.

Also if you feel anger towards the aparents now and you plan on being in an open adoption, that anger may grow in ways you may not be prepared for at the moment (again, glad you are seeking therapy). But let yourself plan to raise the baby, HOLD HIM and love him and if you still feel adoption is the best option after you have really researched all the avenues, then at least you have that special time with him. And when he grows up it will be a memory that only you and he share....that is priceless.

[kakuehl]

I'm glad you are going to see a therapist who can help you work through your anger, etc. My birth son is almost 38. I was even put under anesthesia at the point of birth so I wouldn't see him. I did walk down and see him in the nursery, but I never held him in the hospital. I only held him (and fed him a bottle) because I refused to sign the final papers unless I had some time with him. I still believe adoption was the right choice. That doesn't mean that it was easy! I guess my point is that seeing and holding him didn't change my decision; I only wish I had been able to spend time with him in the hospital. If it does change your mind, then adoption is not the right choice for you.

Know that which ever choice you make, it will involve sacrifice! You need to decide which one you can/will make. BTW, in my area, Salvation Army will provide the car seat for a newborn. As others have said, there are resources available -- not enough to make it easy, but enough to make it possible (sometimes).

Again, this is YOUR decision. I don't think any of us are telling us what your choice should be. We want you to know that you do have choices (Even if it's between a rock or a hard place!) and that there are some resources available even in this economy!

You are in my prayers. Keep posting and let us know what's happening.

[lp198720003]

I also forgot to mention something rather important. I didn't want to chose a family out of a book or some profile online so my sister and her partner had some friends that knew really great people that wanted to adopt but because they are a mixed race couple and an older couple they hadn't been accepted by any agency yet. After meeting them once I chose them, because I thought they were good people but again I didn't want to pick out of a book. So theres also this huge feeling that not only will the aparents be hurt but I also feel like if I change my mind my sister, her partner, and their friends who gave me this connection will all be disappointed by me and hurt too. I have a really hard time putting my feelings first and this may be the biggest reason that I'm trying not to think about what it would be like to raise him. So I thought I would just let everyone know that, again hopefully a therapist with be able to help me with this.

[mommytoEli]

oh....please don't just place your child so you don't dissapoint people. i am sure there are people in your life who will love and accept you even if you decide to parent. this isn't just about putting YOUR feelings first, it is about your baby also. i am glad you will be talking with someone, but please, please know that you shouldn't feel obligated to place your baby because you expressed interest in a couple who happen to be friends with your sister and are good people. from the AP side, in time they will get a new placement that will be just right for them. (((hugs)))

[jp4ga]

The bmom of my DD had orginally picked her name. However, my sister-in law had a baby a few weeks eariler and had named her child the exact same name. I felt it was unfair for the baby to have the exact same first middle and last name as a cousin that was so close in age. I mentioned this to the bmom and she choose a new first name and let us choose a middle name. Later she told us that she regretted changing the name of the baby. I wish she would have been honest with us. We would have kept the name or she could have choosen a new family to place with. I guess the point of all of my post have been is that we should all be honest and let people know how we really feel. If naming is important to you speak up and let the PAP's know.

If you are not 100% sure of your decision as you mentioned eariler don't place until you are. Yes, people will be disappointed, but they will get over it. It is your child and your life so you need to make decisions based on what is best for you and your child.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by lp198720003

So theres also this huge feeling that not only will the aparents be hurt but I also feel like if I change my mind my sister, her partner, and their friends who gave me this connection will all be disappointed by me and hurt too.

10 years from now most of these people will be nowhere to be seen, but your baby will be your child forever. The only people you should be considering right now are you and your baby. The people that love you will support you.

[ocracoke]

Another "not a bmom" here... But I just wanted to say one thing. Given the connection you presented about your sister -- knowing a friend of the potential aparents -- she is not a disinterested party in this. Her opinions are tainted by the relationships she has. She is giving you advice based on that. She is not just advocating for you.

Samantha

[brink]

I too hope and pray that you will make the best decision for both your baby and yourself. I am the mother of eight, being blessed to have adopted five of our children. Our first adoption was a 12 day old US newborn. She went off to college this fall. How can that be?

In all truthfulness, I believe her first mother could have managed to parent her and done a very good job of it. But her decision was based on her situation at the time, her dreams and goals, and the fact that she couldn't provide her child with a father. She wanted her child to have both parents and siblings. That's why she chose our family from agency files, as we already had children. I only wish she could know the gift she gave her child in the form of one of the nicest, most encouraging fathers in the world. Our daughter has a great relationship with her dad. And since that was one of the major factors in her first mom's decision, I wish she could see them together and know what having this dad has meant in our daughter's life.

If you do choose to place, please do yourself, your child, and the APs a very huge favor. Please write a letter or even a journal for your baby. Tell your baby everything you want him/her to know about you, your own dreams and goals, your love for your child, your hopes and dreams for them, important health information that might be important for your child later, etc. That is one of the biggest gifts our daughter's first mom gave to our daughter, her daughter and ours. I can't help but feel it was very important to her also. I hope she kept copies of those two letters, one before and one after the birth. This reminds me to copy them and return them to our agency to put in the files which include all the updates and photos I have supplied through the years. She might not have copied her handwritten notes, and I suspect if she chose to receive them, they would reassure her that she expressed her deep love for her child at the time of placement. She did hold her baby and care for her baby during those days in the hospital. And in her letters, she told her baby how very, very hard it was for her to say goodbye. With this little information, I have been able to answer some of our daughter's questions through the years. Our daughter is happy and well adjusted, intelligent and beautiful. She has hopes of one day meeting her first mom, but for now has chosen to wait until she feels more settled in life, rather than during her college years when there are already plenty of changes and adjustments to be made.
I only hope to be there one day, if I'm allowed, to see their reunion. I would love to share as much of our daughter's life with her first mom as our daughter feels she wants me to. The rest will be up to her.

Ours was not an open adoption. Neither sides chose that. Her first mom moved on with her life, choosing not to receive the updates until very recently. Perhaps it was just too difficult for her, although I do know from information we received, she has trusted her decision and was choosing to move on in her life. You need to be at that point, before you place your child. If you aren't certain, don't make that decision now. As others said, placing out of fear of disppointing others is not a good enough reason. Your child is who you need to be thinking about right now. You are a mother, and you need to do everything in your power to make the decision that is right for your baby and for you. And if you felt a bit "trapped" into choosing this couple, rather than having more time to consider other APs, you need to slow down and make the best decision you can, based on as much information as you can have.

Of course you know, if you read much here, adoptive parents adore their children. If you make the decision to place and have chosen the best APs you believe you can, then hard as it is, trust them to adore, treasure, protect, provide, and cherish your little one. They will. They will also love and care about you. They will be forever grateful that you loved your baby enough to take good care of yourself and your child. And they will know and tell your child many, many times during their lifetime that you loved them enough to do what you felt was best for your child. They will protect your memory in your child's life and always teach your child that it is more than all right, it's important for them to love their first mother. I don't think of our daughter's first mom every day. After all, it's been 19 years now, and more children added since then. But I do think of her often and pray that her life is happy and that her decision to place her daughter with us has always felt "right", that she has had peace in her life about it. She is a very imporant part of our family's life. Without her, we would never have known the joy of being family to her beautiful, amazing daughter.

My thoughts are not to convince you to place from anything I've said. I just hope to reassure you, that as APs, we try to understand how very difficult this decision must be. We know that in our own joy, someone else is hurting very, very deeply and making the toughest decision of their lives. You can see that with all the other comments you have received. None of us wants any first mother to make a hasty or poor decision. It's way too imporant in the life of a child. I hope I've conveyed those thoughts here.

Best wishes, as you take the time you need to make the best decision for your baby and yourself. Don't make this most important decision based on how anyone else will feel or how they will view you. God loves you both and wants the best for both of your lives.

[browneyes0707]

If you are not 100% sure this is what you want, do not make any irreversable decisions until you are. You owe that to you and your child. Your sister, her partner, and everyone else do not have to live with your decision, you do. This is the single most important thing you will ever decide, do it on YOUR terms!!! I can't tell you how important that is.

I'm glad you are going to a therapist about this. Also remember there is no time line, no one says you have to place at birth. Take as much time as you need, even if it means parenting for a bit.

The ONLY way I think I survived my journey as a birthmom is that I was 100% sure of my decision, and still am, and one of the biggest reasons why is because I did it on my terms. I had to sleep at night with the consequences, no one else would. I hope you give yourself the opportunity to have that piece of mind as well

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by brink

They will also love and care about you. They will be forever grateful that you loved your baby enough to take good care of yourself and your child. And they will know and tell your child many, many times during their lifetime that you loved them enough to do what you felt was best for your child. They will protect your memory in your child's life and always teach your child that it is more than all right, it's important for them to love their first mother.

This, unfortunately, is not always true. I am a therapist that works with adopted children. Some of the things that adoptive parents say about their children's birth parents have made my hair curl. Some adoptive parents actually diminish the birthparents in order to elevate themselves. I have seen it all too often. Not all adoptive parents act this way, but I think it is important to know that some are not honoring.

[lp198720003]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

This, unfortunately, is not always true. I am a therapist that works with adopted children. Some of the things that adoptive parents say about their children's birth parents have made my hair curl. Some adoptive parents actually diminish the birthparents in order to elevate themselves. I have seen it all too often. Not all adoptive parents act this way, but I think it is important to know that some are not honoring.

This is something I worry about. When I first met the parents they seemed very nice and caring and like I've said before they just seem to be really good people. As I'm getting closer to my due date I only talk to one parent and it almost just feels like a business deal, nothing emotional about it. The other parent came to one of my sonograms and just didn't act like she cared about being there, like it was nothing special, and then seemed a little disappointed when the doctor said it was a boy.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by lp198720003

I am about 7 months pregnant and about to give my baby up for adoption. I am planning an open adoption but haven't really felt like talking to the adoptive parents recently. Something I am trying to decide at the moment is should I see the baby after he is born. My plan was to not have the adoptive parents there and have my family there during labor. After he was born I would have the two days in the hospital to see him and allow family and friends to see him. Recently my sister has told me she thinks this is a mistake and I should just not see him in the hospital anymore after he is born and allow the adoptive parents to be there. Please, other birth mothers let me know what you have done and would suggest.

I haven't read every post and I am mother through adoption so I haven't been in your situation, but if I were the potential family (they're not the adoptive family until YOU make a parenting decision as to how your child will be raised) I think it is incredibly important that you do what YOU need to do for the sake of YOU and YOUR child. This is no one else's decision but yours. And from my two experiences being the possible adopting parent, it was not only important for the first mothers of my children to take whatever time they needed after the birth ~ whether it be hours, days, weeks ~ to make this decision (we only met them a few days before their child was born so it wasn't the same as your situation), but it was important for me to know that I had given them every opportunity to make their own decision as to how thy wanted their child parented. You sound very kind even in your anger, to even consider the feelings of this waiting couple, or your family members. But I can tell you from knowing many, many friends give birth over the years, all of them to a tee made decisions about how the birth should go based on what they wanted, not on the needs of others. And that should be your primary focus.

This is your child until you decide otherwise after the birth. How do you want things to go at the time of the birth? Can you handle just putting any possibility of adoption on hold until you've given birth and held your son and spent time with him? It doesn't sound like trying to keep up the relationship with this potential family is doing anything except causing you stress. And if it were me, I would rather find out now that you were having second thoughts than after the birth. I could start doing the work of moving forward and in the end, if you decide that indeed this was the family you wanted your child to be with, then contact them after you make your decision of whether or not you really want to place your child in another family.

This is your time, your baby. If you are not 100% sure about this family or even about adoption, you don't have to make the decision now. I encourage you to take back your power to make this decision as your child's parent and be kind to yourself by letting go of worrying how others will feel about what you do. I know that's easier said than done. But I wouldn't want you to regret your decision in the long run. I would suggest if you haven't done so already (you may have mentioned it but I haven't read every post, or may have missed it) I would encourage you to find someone outside the world of adoption, a professional, to speak with about not only ALL your options, but all your feelings and emotions now and in the future. I wish you well.

[JustPeachy]

So theres also this huge feeling that not only will the aparents be hurt but I also feel like if I change my mind my sister, her partner, and their friends who gave me this connection will all be disappointed by me and hurt too

Do not ever feel obligated to give your baby to anyone, for any reason. You can plan for adoption now, but that doesn't mean you need to have your mind firmly made up. Once your child is born, you may change your mind and it is your right to do so.

Definitely look into ALL your options, including parenting this child. You can take this baby home and see how things go, you certainly don't have to have a decision made right away. And holding your child is not going to make it any harder for you to make your decision if you go with adoption. The nurses tried to tell me that line of b.s. and I thankfully ignored them. Holding my son was the best thing I did (besides having him!) and it would have hurt far worse if I didn't have that time to get to know him and for him to get to know me. I know for many adoptees, it's a huge thing to know their first mother held them. I wish I knew back then that I would need to make my decision AGAIN after I had my son. I had my mind set on adoption and thought I was so prepared and ready for it, and was NOT prepared for the strong bonding after I had him. I did not sign papers right away, because I needed to take as much time as I felt necessary to know FOR SURE that this was the best decision for me and my son under the circumstances I was in. Do not let anyone make you feel like you "owe" them your baby. Stay strong and tell them to go pound sand. This is a life-altering decision that is final. You have to be ABSOLUTELY sure and if you have any doubts, you need to honor that.