[Rylee45]

Recently I read and then comented on a thread where the adoptive dad was thanking all the birth dads out there.

I hope I didn't offend this man because that wasn't my intention but I just wanted him to know that birth dads are generally not there and is the reason a lot of us didn't get to keep our babies and don't get to keep their baby now. Of course a lot of girls/women do make the choice to relinquish because it's what they feel is best etc.

The guy mentioned how birthdads aren't mentioned a lot (or something like that) and not appreicated etc. Then he thanked the birthdads out there.

Am I just being overly "out of it" because of what happened to me?

How many of you who gave your child up for adoption did it partly to do with the birth father skipping out and not wanting to take responsibility for their child?

I know there are birth fathers who really do care and are devastated by the idea their child is being given to strangers to raise. I don't doubt that some birth fathers really do care about their child but the girl chooses adoption and the law being the way it is and all the other factors rarely gets to take the child home with him and does lose the baby.

But I really don't think there are many birth fathers who really care and usually the first thing they think of is getting the girl to abort the baby instead of thinking about being a father and taking responsibility for their child so it doesn't have to go to adoption.

I guess I'm probably way off here but it's all I've seen. Men who find out their girlfriend or one night stand or whatever is pregnant the first thing they usually say is "Oh GOD what are YOU going to do? You gotta get an abortion!" That's the first thing my dad tried to get me to do when he found out I was pregnant but I told him I'd run away if he forsed me to do that.

Does anyone else here feel the kind of resentment towards the birth father of their child like I do? I hate him to have done what he did and to have run out on me and then again run out on my daughter when he met her 13 years ago. It breaks my heart.

Rylee

[kakuehl]

Rylee,
Mine was a very different situation. D's birth dad and I remained good friends all his life. Unfortunately he died before I found D so they never met. I chose not to tell K I was pregnant and we didn't talk about it until after D was born: he did fill out info. We talked about it over the years although he refused to do a "what if" when I asked him what he'd have said/done if I had told him I was pregnant. I do know that his wife knew about D before I met her.

[bromanchik]

I, too, an friends with my son's birthfather. He was a part of the planning and open adoption.

I have, however, worked with many, many women who had "run away" birth fathers in their lives.

[PackDaddy]

You did not offend me Rylee. In our adoption our daughter's birthmom went through counseling and a lot of support groups were available to her. Which is great and I know helped her a lot. But the birthdad never really did and no one asks about him the way they ask about the birthmom. I just wanted to acknowlege that birthdads go through tough times as well and need support as well as appreciation.

Here is our daughter's birthmom's latest blog entry and she discusses how she feels about the birthdad.

AMSTEL LIFE: PAINTING, MOVING, BEING A MAN

Again I am sorry for the way you daughter's birthdad treated her and you. And you are probably right about our daughter's birthdad being in the minority. But there are some good ones out there and they should be recognized and supported as well.

[JustPeachy]

I ended my relationship with my son's father before I even knew I was pregnant, and I did not want to get back together with him just because I was pregnant, so I don't hold any anger toward him. But in terms of being part of the adoption planning, he was not involved at all. I prefered it this way, actually.

[quantum]

My situation was more like Peachy's. I wasn't going to tell him, but then I was told my baby would be in foster care for a lot longer if he also signed, and I wanted my baby to be with his new family ASAP.

Reactions I got were, 'are you SURe it's mine' and 'why didn't you get an abortion??!?' His parents thought I was trying on a paternity scam.
There was no lost romance or wishing we would get back together.

Over the years, I've managed to block out his last name. I recently went through hypnosis to try to free up the name and came to the realisation that I'm blocking the name because part of me feels like the birth father has managed to forget (or maybe sits around and feels like it wasn't his son so...) and some part of me doesn't want to bring to him the pain that I've lived with through the years.
I'm hoping now that I know this, the name will free up, but maybe it won't.

[Rylee45]

You know, the weird part about what my situation was with the birthfather signature was the agency put an ad in a paper that was only for legal people. Burried somewhere that unless you had a reason to look and knew a particular date would never even be thought about. It was in the King County legal paper at that. I lived in the Pierce county area at the time but the baby was born in King county.

Then on top of that, through all the years I thought my daughter would be able to get her birth certificate and get his name too and look for him first. I was terrified she'd do that. I wanted her to find ME first.

When I got a copy of the original BC I saw the agency didn't even LIST a father on the certificate!

He was never officially notified and they said back then the only thing they had to do is put a notice "somewhere" and if he saw it and decided to go to court to fight for his parental rights then so be it. If he didn't show at court his parental rights were terminated by his not showing up. But they made darn sure he never had that chance.

I didn't find all of this out until years after my daughter was gone and that was only by asking around to a lot of people trying to find out where I'd find the notice he was supposed to have gotten. It took a long time to track it down. I don't remember exactly when I found out about the legal ad but I found out about the newspaper thing sometime after my youngest son was born. I don't remember exactly when. But the birth certificate thing I didn't know about until I met my daughter when she was 21.

I kept hoping he'd rescue me. That he'd find me somehow and sweep me off so I could keep my baby. I prayed every day getting on my knees before I went to sleep and say, "Please God. Please help me find a way to keep my baby. Please." and I'd cry and cry and cry.

Everyday I felt her body moving inside me and I got deseprate to run away and to find somewhere I could go to keep her and it never happened.

Now I sit and cry because even though she's still alive, she's really dead to me because she doesn't love me and she doesn't care about how I feel about anything and she has decided I'm not rich enough or good enough or something. I don't know why she is like she is and I dont' know why she hates me so much.

Rylee

[JustPeachy]

When I got a copy of the original BC I saw the agency didn't even LIST a father on the certificate!

This was very typical, especially in the Closed Era, but even after, whereby if you were an "unmarried mother," as they used to call us, the hospital would leave the father's name off the birth certificate. I think this was the case even if you decided to parent your child as a single mother instead of placing a child for adoption. If I am not mistaken, in some cases, they'd even stamp the birth certificate "ILLEGITIMATE." It's just amazing the things they did back in those days. So archaic and cruel. What on earth were they thinking??

[Rylee45]

I didn't know it was the way the courts did this. I thought it was the agency who did that with the birth certificate.

Do you know if the placing of ads in a far off legal paper no one but legal people would even think to look was also a practice of all agency or people who dealt with adoption back then? If so do you know if they still do that kind of crap now? I'm just curious about that.

Some days I can't get through a day without flashbacks of the day I gave birth to my daughter and the day I left the hospital without her.

I got my medical records of my stay at the hospital during and after the she was born and something that really upset me was the part they put, "She is happy and seems to be doing well and uneffected after the birth of the child." (or something like that)

They made it sound like I was thrilled to give my baby away and was not effected whatsoever by giving her away. They didn't put anywhere in the papers (at least no where I've found) anything about my crying myself to sleep or feeling depressed or feeling like dying because I just gave my baby away. There was nothing in those medical records that indicated anything but I was "relieved" to give my baby away. GOD there's nothing that could be further from the truth.

When I laughed or smiled or anything like that when I had company it was to hide my hurting or because they would see how sad I was and try to cheer me up. I don't recall smiling or laughing or doing anything that would even appear that I was anything but depressed or upset about what was going on. But the nurses didn't put any of the bad stuff I was going through in those records. At least nowhere I have found in all the times I've read through those papers. It was just pathethic!

Rylee

[AlongTimeAgo]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

This was very typical, especially in the Closed Era, but even after, whereby if you were an "unmarried mother," as they used to call us, the hospital would leave the father's name off the birth certificate. I think this was the case even if you decided to parent your child as a single mother instead of placing a child for adoption. If I am not mistaken, in some cases, they'd even stamp the birth certificate "ILLEGITIMATE." It's just amazing the things they did back in those days. So archaic and cruel. What on earth were they thinking??

I don't think they WERE thinking. When I had my first child in 1969, unmarried, 15, and giving her up for adoption, my mom had to sign the BC. I still remember her saying to to SW "there is NO father - she was raped." When I had my son at 19, while I chose not to marry his dad, we were still friends, and as I was keeping him I wanted his name on it, but on the BC, I remember distinctly, it said under "father's name" - "if this is an illegitimate birth, make no entry as to the father." WTH???

In 1996, my son's first child was born, and it was good to finally know that not only could the unmarried father's name be on the BC, but that my grandson also had OUR last name, instead of just the mom's name. How times had changed since 1969.

[lahdh4]

I was in a relationship with Biker Boy, he filled out all of the paperwork and was there. He chose not to have a relationship with Supergirl so he deserves NO Thanks. NO Praise. He is getting what he deserves, no relationship.
However, on the OBC, which has too many errors to be worth the paper it is on, does not list him. I filled out the paperwork and kept a copy, I put his name on the paperwork.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

I didn't know it was the way the courts did this. I thought it was the agency who did that with the birth certificate.

Do you know if the placing of ads in a far off legal paper no one but legal people would even think to look was also a practice of all agency or people who dealt with adoption back then? If so do you know if they still do that kind of crap now? I'm just curious about that.

Some days I can't get through a day without flashbacks of the day I gave birth to my daughter and the day I left the hospital without her.

I got my medical records of my stay at the hospital during and after the she was born and something that really upset me was the part they put, "She is happy and seems to be doing well and uneffected after the birth of the child." (or something like that)

They made it sound like I was thrilled to give my baby away and was not effected whatsoever by giving her away. They didn't put anywhere in the papers (at least no where I've found) anything about my crying myself to sleep or feeling depressed or feeling like dying because I just gave my baby away. There was nothing in those medical records that indicated anything but I was "relieved" to give my baby away. GOD there's nothing that could be further from the truth.

When I laughed or smiled or anything like that when I had company it was to hide my hurting or because they would see how sad I was and try to cheer me up. I don't recall smiling or laughing or doing anything that would even appear that I was anything but depressed or upset about what was going on. But the nurses didn't put any of the bad stuff I was going through in those records. At least nowhere I have found in all the times I've read through those papers. It was just pathethic!

Rylee

Because Rylie,

Its easier for everyone to think that it did not effect you....if society admits that it does it might take the "joy, mircle and happy, happpy" out of adoption. There is still a very pervasive idea out there that adoption is win/win/win(mother,baby,mother) if we are kept in denial about the truth that adoption , that biomoms DO lose, that babies ARE losing something it may make the rest of society uncomfortable. The denail needs to be kept in place if not someone else may lose....(agencys?)

[greenbottles]

My bdaughter's father begged me to have an abortion and said I was ruining his life...jeeeze. His name is not on the OBC. I have no respect for him. I crossed the road to avoid him the last time I had the misfortute to be in the same town as him.

[Rylee45]

You know, looking at it that way definitely makes sense to the why they'd put lies into the records even at the hospital. Adoption itself is one humongous lie.

Lie to the adoptive parents making them believe the child will be able to be "molded" into what they want. Telling them that the child will probably never want to know the birth parents. Or any other number of lies even lies about medical history telling them the child is perfectly fine when they know they have medical issues or mental health issues in the family that could eventually show up in the child. Lies that could cost the adoptive family a lifetime of hell because they aren't prepared for some of the things. ALL due to wanting that mighty dollar from the adoptive parents.

Lie to the mother before she gives the baby up that she will be doing it a great service and a loving act to give it two parents and a loving home making her believe she could never love the child as much as adoptive parents could. Or that she could never give the child the things it needed (even though her situation may only be a temporary one) Then she finds out when they are in reunion IF they ever have that opportunity, that her child ended up being raised in a single parent home due to a divorce. Or that the child was made to feel like their birth mother didn't care enough about them that she gave them away giving the child an inferority complex, and the reunion becomes a disaster sometimes or doesn't happen at all due to the adoptive family being paranoid that the child won't love them anymore if the birth family and they get together.

Lies to the child during their lifetime (sometimes suggested by the agency to the adoptive parents). Them being told things about the birth family that aren't true. Or even never telling the child that they were adopted and the child believes the adoptive family are the original parents until they are in the teenage years or even older when they can't keep the "secret" anymore due to medical problems or other things or just because some nosey busy body came along knowing the child was adopted and blabs it without caring what it does to the child or how devastating it will be to think all their lives they were blood related to the parents and then find out they were adopted. It was devastating to a friend of mine who was adopted and didn't hear about it until after her adoptive mother died of cancer.

The lies just fly like feathers and people get hurt while the agency gets rich. I mean, come on now, 20, 30 40 thousand dollars or more to adopt a child???!!!! That's absolutely completely RIDICULOUS! And that's for only one child.

Think about the hundreds and thousands of children the adoption agencies have stolen due to lies. If they didn't lie they'd lose money. So they continue to lie and play with people's lives and cause heartache all the way around! It just compltely throughly 100% makes me SICK!!!!!!!!!

Rylee

[Whirled_Peas]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

You know, looking at it that way definitely makes sense to the why they'd put lies into the records even at the hospital. Adoption itself is one humongous lie.

Lie to the adoptive parents making them believe the child will be able to be "molded" into what they want. Telling them that the child will probably never want to know the birth parents. Or any other number of lies even lies about medical history telling them the child is perfectly fine when they know they have medical issues or mental health issues in the family that could eventually show up in the child. Lies that could cost the adoptive family a lifetime of hell because they aren't prepared for some of the things. ALL due to wanting that mighty dollar from the adoptive parents.

Lie to the mother before she gives the baby up that she will be doing it a great service and a loving act to give it two parents and a loving home making her believe she could never love the child as much as adoptive parents could. Or that she could never give the child the things it needed (even though her situation may only be a temporary one) Then she finds out when they are in reunion IF they ever have that opportunity, that her child ended up being raised in a single parent home due to a divorce. Or that the child was made to feel like their birth mother didn't care enough about them that she gave them away giving the child an inferority complex, and the reunion becomes a disaster sometimes or doesn't happen at all due to the adoptive family being paranoid that the child won't love them anymore if the birth family and they get together.

Lies to the child during their lifetime (sometimes suggested by the agency to the adoptive parents). Them being told things about the birth family that aren't true. Or even never telling the child that they were adopted and the child believes the adoptive family are the original parents until they are in the teenage years or even older when they can't keep the "secret" anymore due to medical problems or other things or just because some nosey busy body came along knowing the child was adopted and blabs it without caring what it does to the child or how devastating it will be to think all their lives they were blood related to the parents and then find out they were adopted. It was devastating to a friend of mine who was adopted and didn't hear about it until after her adoptive mother died of cancer.

The lies just fly like feathers and people get hurt while the agency gets rich. I mean, come on now, 20, 30 40 thousand dollars or more to adopt a child???!!!! That's absolutely completely RIDICULOUS! And that's for only one child.

Think about the hundreds and thousands of children the adoption agencies have stolen due to lies. If they didn't lie they'd lose money. So they continue to lie and play with people's lives and cause heartache all the way around! It just compltely throughly 100% makes me SICK!!!!!!!!!

Rylee

Not all adoptions are shrouded in lies. We took a class from an agency where they talked about the pain the moms go through. They talked about the issues the baby would deal with. They talked about what we could do to help the birthmom and the baby have an ongoing relationship.

If you read the adoptive parent forum here you will see so many adoptive parents struggling to maintain relationships with the birthmoms. The adoptive parents are doing it to help both the birthmoms and the babies.

My baby just turned a year old. This weekend her birthmom and family will be coming to our house for a birthday party. We will be giving the birthmom a gift (a wax casting of our baby's hand.) I send photos and an update once a month so the birthmom knows what is happening with her baby.

I don't deny that there are probably a lot of agencies out there that are unscrupulous and I know things in the past weren't always right, but I think it's wrong to categorically say adoption is only about lies. Please, do not insult every adoptive family by making blanket statements.