[epenn922]

I never know anymore what the proper names for everyone in the triad is... I just came across this article that indicates birthmother = breeder or incubator.

Here's the link...

The Baby Scoop Era ™ Research Initiative

What are the proper terms? Certainly don't want to offend anyone with labels.

I do think 'adoptee' has been my label my entire life -- still, even though I'm 44. Sometimes - to me - adoptee means someone who was given away or disposed of. I know that's not even close to everyone's interpretation. And I don't mind being called an 'adoptee' for clarification purposes. I was just wondering what was thought of the term 'birthmother'.

[kakuehl]

You will find that no one label pleases everyone. Breeder/incubator are universally rejected! Some prefer first mother, some prefer natural mother; one suggestion I heard recently was "primal mother." I tend to use birth mom or bmom simply for clarification purposes. I really dislike labels.... D is my firstborn son and I will always love him; his parents are S & R who adopted him.

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by epenn922

I never know anymore what the proper names for everyone in the triad is... I just came across this article that indicates birthmother = breeder or incubator......What are the proper terms? Certainly don't want to offend anyone with labels....I was just wondering what was thought of the term 'birthmother'.

Generally, I agree with the article's premise.

I'm not much for labels....

To all of my children, I am simply "mom"....to the two children I raised, and to the one that I did not raise....I am mom. But, that is "who" I am rather than "what" I am.

I use the term "nmom" (for natural mom) now, generally on forums like this, but I'd still rather not have any label put upon myself. However, natural mother is the LEGAL TERM that is used, and I use it as well.

I think we need to take care and not fall into the trap of taking a SITUATION and using it as a LABEL....for ourselves, or for anyone else.

My daughter, a senior at university in the special education teaching program, taught me this about labels:

.....a child with autism.... NOT an autistic child....

Our situation in life does not define us....the situation may provide information about us....but it does not define us....not solely, nor in part, are we the definition of our situation.

I am a woman who lost a child to adoption.

I am also many, many other things, and have had many, many other experiences and situations which are not related to adoption loss.

On the forums, it is convenient to use abbreviations.... saves time....it's "efficient".... But, I say let's not be lazy...let's take the time to spell out in no uncertain terms just exactly what we mean to say.

If we quit labeling ourselves, perhaps others will follow suit....

Sincerely,
Susan....a woman who lost a child to adoption....

[Rylee45]

Personally, it's all I know really. I've always been the "birth mom". My daughter called me mom and mema and things like that when we met but she always introduced me as "this is my birth mom". Whenever we used to be online in a chat room together she'd tell everyone I was her birthmom.

I guess it has to do with the fact I was from day one after her birth called a birth mom and that's been 33 years now.

However, I do have to say just putting "B-mom" has bothered me but not enough to have a "problem" with it but enough to not like it.

Part of that is the adoptive parents are the "A-mom and dad" and "A" in everything such as grades in school, references to good situations or well being is always the top, the number one, the best you can get.

I realize that's stupid but it does bother me for the abreviations but not enough to really get angry just enough to be a "bug". You know?

I do know it's only for abreviation and that's ok and it doesn't really mean I'm any less of a person than the adoptive parents are. It's just a stupid thing that bothers me.

Rylee

[paigeturner]

I'm not offended by it. I use it myself on here to identify my place in the triad.

I get offended when potential adoptive parents insist on referring to a pregnant woman as a "birthmom". I get offended when adoptive parents use the therm "our" birthmom.

But, just birthmom by itself....doesn't really bother me, because I refuse to let it define me.

[JustPeachy]

I am not offended by it, per se, but I, too, dislike labels and don't feel ANY of the terms fit. I use/have used birth mom or bmom to describe myself and to reference others, probably because that is the term most often used to describe us. I don't think of it in terms such as "breeder" or "incubator." But in terms of how I truly feel, I've always thought of both myself and my son's mom as his mom, but that can get confusing. None of the other words are accurate or feel right to me as far as I'm concerned. Lately, I try to steer away from ANY qualifiers to my motherhood, excpet when clarification is needed. It can get cumbersome to spell it all out, but I am a mother who placed a child for adoption. A mother who did not raise her son. But I'm still a mother, and I get tired, sometimes, of having to deny that reality or qualify it with a label.

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

You will find that no one label pleases everyone. Breeder/incubator are universally rejected! Some prefer first mother, some prefer natural mother; one suggestion I heard recently was "primal mother." I tend to use birth mom or bmom simply for clarification purposes. I really dislike labels.... D is my firstborn son and I will always love him; his parents are S & R who adopted him.

....ahh...yes, Kathy...primal mother... To date, this is the only term I have found which did not have an "opposite" term that might possibly offend a parent who adopts a child.

epenn....here is the link to the rather lengthy and vigorous debate regarding "labels" which followed my rant on the term birth mother.....or birthmother as some would say. (I think it's splitting hairs, really, because we all know what is meant, whether it is spelled as one word or two.)

PRIMAL MOTHER
Primal Mother...

Best wishes,
Susan

[lahdh4]

I am offended when it is used as a woman who is pregnant, thinking about adoption and a PAP will go, "We met the birthmother today and...." It really just ticks me off to no end because the woman in question has a)not given birth and b) has NOT signed away her rights to parent so technically she is MOM.
I use firstmom most often, only because I did not sign TPR for almost 2 weeks and I will not let anyone take that time away from me being her Mom and making the decisions.

*sorry, emotional today

[epenn922]

I was thinking that I don't feel like an adoptee anymore -- since I'm an adult. But maybe - lol - an adoption survivor... I guess that the abbreviations are used to lessen confusion in a confusing situation.

I'm also seeing that people are using something like 'lost a baby to adoption' --- I think it used to be surrendered, gave up, gave away...

But this article was the first that I've noticed that birthmother may not be the best words.

[crick]

I think it's all about the individual and like any other label/term, you adjust as needed depending on who you are speaking with.

I personally don't care if someone says "deaf" for me even though technically I'm hearing impaired. Handicapped fine, disabled...I don't like. No one is going to know my preferences on this so if it comes up in a convo or I'm addressed, I'll make my preference known. I'm just not that offended by this stuff though and find it harder to watch people fumble through all the terms they think are "pc" and are uncomfortable trying to make sure they don't offend me. lol!

I use the same logic on here. If I were to talk to Susan in a thread, I'd use Nmom out of respect for her preference. If I were responding to Paige, I'd use bmom, because I know she doesn't care. See what I mean though? I try to use the term that the individual uses themselves. In general convo I do fall back on the standard "bmom" b/c it's so common. If I know a person prefers another term though, that's the term I try to use.

I never say "lost to adoption" because I find it offends more than not. For a lot of women who made a definite plan and choice regarding their child's adoption, I find it offends them because they don't feel they lost their child to adoption but rather made a plan for their adoption. But again, for those moms who did indeed lose their children in the BSE and other eras, I can see why they use that phrase.

I'm married to an adoptee and he would never use adoption survivor because he doesn't feel he was in a place of survival etc. So just another difference.

It all comes down to personal preference and also I think too, it comes down to remembering that most are not intending to offend with whatever term they use. Obviously I don't believe that any derogatory term should be supported or used. Incubator etc. no no no!

[LasVegasMom]

I think we jut get too wrapped up in labels nowadays. Being from the closed era of "get on with your life, get over it", I never really researched anything on adoption after I relinquished my son so I was unaware of all these labels. After our reunion, i quickly schooled myself and found the term "birthmother". To me, in my mind, I was just always his mother, but I do find that birthmother is the term we both use to explain exactly who I am to him because he refers to both his adoptive mother and me as "mom" which can get confusing to outsiders. I agree with crick, if someone has a preference, it's nice to know and you can adjust yourself accordingly. But frankly we ALL need to get over the labels and remember that those labels don't define us, we are all just people in the triad trying to live our lives. We are all here to seek some understanding, to find some support, and that is what really matters.

[epenn922]

...and I had two stepmothers, so it can get very confusing...

What Crick was referring to that it's hard watching someone fumble -- that's me! I so don't want to offend anyone that sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. At any moment, I'm going to really make someone mad without intention. And I have done that.

Elaine

[thanksgivingmom]

Personally for me, I have a negative gut reaction to "birthmother" but it stems from the SW calling me a birthmother and the negative response that label always seemed to inspire. When nurses at the hospital found out I was a "birthmother" it turned things ugly. The SW always referred to be as Cupcake's birthmother as opposed to calling me by name. "Birthmother" felt like a dirty word when people called me that - and I didn't like the feeling. So I personally don't love being called a birthmother.

Having said that, someone that doesn't know this about me? I don't get offended, I don't correct them, etc. Unless they are purposefully being disrespectful, I let it slide. (I tend to use First Mom).

Like Leigh, I DO get upset when people use birthmother incorrectly - a woman considering placement is not a birthmother, a woman that is a scammer is NOT a birthmother.

[JustPeachy]

I think what's hard for me is that I don't always remember certain people's preferences. And sometimes there are other difficulties in language that I struggle with. I know certain words bother some posters, but they may not bother me. I woudn't use those terms to describe them personally, but I am not always comfortable with using those terms in the general sense, or when describing MY OWN situation. Yet, I feel like if I do use the terms I'm more comfortable with, I am offending them. But to use their terms wouldn't feel right to me. I try not to get too caught up in the P.C.-ness of it all, but sometimes it's hard. And there is no general agreement in most cases. At a recent support group I attended, there was a woman there who insisted she did not "place" her child for adoption and hated that the terminology had changed. She felt it was just being P.C. to say "place." She truly felt she "GAVE UP" her child and insisted very strongly that that was the acceptable term. I used to say "gave up" because that was the language of the day when I placed, and that is still the language that is used among those who are not aware of positive adoption language. I don't like to use this term any longer, as it is does not feel true to my situation, and yet this woman was really insistant about her feelings. She really had no right to tell me how to define myself, but at the same time, who was I to argue with this woman, who had every right to define her decision the way she felt most comfortable? While I agree we shouldn't be lazy with terminology, at the same time, we can't always know exactly what is going to offend and what isn't.

[hpfreak080]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I think what's hard for me is that I don't always remember certain people's preferences. And sometimes there are other difficulties in language that I struggle with. I know certain words bother some posters, but they may not bother me. I woudn't use those terms to describe them personally, but I am not always comfortable with using those terms in the general sense, or when describing MY OWN situation. Yet, I feel like if I do use the terms I'm more comfortable with, I am offending them. But to use their terms wouldn't feel right to me. I try not to get too caught up in the P.C.-ness of it all, but sometimes it's hard. And there is no general agreement in most cases. At a recent support group I attended, there was a woman there who insisted she did not "place" her child for adoption and hated that the terminology had changed. She felt it was just being P.C. to say "place." She truly felt she "GAVE UP" her child and insisted very strongly that that was the acceptable term. I used to say "gave up" because that was the language of the day when I placed, and that is still the language that is used among those who are not aware of positive adoption language. I don't like to use this term any longer, as it is does not feel true to my situation, and yet this woman was really insistant about her feelings. She really had no right to tell me how to define myself, but at the same time, who was I to argue with this woman, who had every right to define her decision the way she felt most comfortable? While I agree we shouldn't be lazy with terminology, at the same time, we can't always know exactly what is going to offend and what isn't.

i don't have much to add at this time but I agree with every word written here.

i have come across people (not on here) that have insisted i use different terms when i am just speaking generally (not to a specific person) when i do not feel comfortable using those terms to speak generally or about my own situation...you can't really please everyone.

I also, like peachy, have a hard time remembering who likes which terms and don't mind being GENTLY reminded (not attacked/flamed). It's totally cool to have a preference of what to refer to yourself as...no problem...as long as we are all respectful of one another and try not to get too hung up on it when people either genuinely forgot or don't know (unless they are being intentionally offensive)