[SuddenlySusan]

....which brings us back to the point of: why use qualifiers in front of the word "mom"?

Adopted children have two moms.

In my son's own words: "I have two moms. And, two dads."

However....some people are just not willing to share the title...let alone acknowledge the fact.

I find it interesting that there seems to be only one qualifer for those who adopt, yet a myriad of qualifiers for those who gave up/surrendered/relinquished/placed.

I am my son's mother....but I did not parent him.

Sincerely,
Susan...a woman who lost a child to adoption

[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

....which brings us back to the point of: why use qualifiers in front of the word "mom"?

Adopted children have two moms.

In my son's own words: "I have two moms. And, two dads."

However....some people are just not willing to share the title...let alone acknowledge the fact.

I find it interesting that there seems to be only one qualifer for those who adopt, yet a myriad of qualifiers for those who gave up/surrendered/relinquished/placed.

I am my son's mother....but I did not parent him.

Sincerely,
Susan...a woman who lost a child to adoption

Susan, I agree with you a million percent here, and I feel the same way. I am still my son's mom, but I didn't raise him. I would never claim the title of parent. My son's parents have also acknowledged me as his mom, which was so wonderful. It's just that in general conversation, sometimes it's hard to NOT use a qualifier or describe that we are not moms in the traditional sense of the word. I'm trying to figure out how we can get around this, but I think there will always be some distinction made between moms who placed children and the moms who are raising them, and the words used to make those distinctions will differ from person to person.

[RavenSong]

Like Susan and Peachy, my son's parents have acknowledged me as his "other mom" for many years now. It's just simply a fact of life for us. They were the first people to ever call me his "mom" or his "mother" with no qualifiers attached. It stunned me the first time I heard them actually address me like that...it happened the very first time I ever met them, and I know that they continue to call me that 19 years later.

Over the past 37 years, I've usually referred to myself as a natural mother when speaking in adoption circles. That is the term I was known as at the time of his birth and relinquishment. It is the term that is in all of our medical records and adoption paperwork. It is the term that is still legally used in California whenever speaking about any biological mother, not just a mother who's surrendered her child. (If you don't believe me, look up the divorce laws on our state's official website. The terms "natural mother," "natural father," and "natural child" are all used in CA state legislation and laws.)

The term "birth mother" does not offend me, though. I just don't particularly care for it -- it sounds too mechanical and harsh to my ear. I don't think of myself with qualifiers attached...I simply think of myself as his mother, the one who brought him into this world, the one who loved him enough to let him go. I am one of two mothers who pray for him every morning and every night; I am one of two mothers who love him with all of our hearts and souls. I am the other mother...

[crick]

How many of you use qualifiers in life though? Not on here or other sites, just in your life?

I know I don't, so just curious how many NFBP moms actually use qualifiers in real life?

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by crick

How many of you use qualifiers in life though? Not on here or other sites, just in your life?

I know I don't, so just curious how many NFBP moms actually use qualifiers in real life?

Crick, I don't use any qualifers when speaking about my adoption experience with people in real life. I call my son's aparents his parents or his mom and dad; I call my bson my son; I call myself his mother; I call his bdad his father. That may sound kind of confusing, but it is all pretty clear when actual conversations are happening in real life with friends and family.

I usually only use the qualifiers if I'm speaking before a legislative body, an adoption agency (I talk a lot with PAPs, as well as members of all three sides of the triad who are preparing to go into reunion), or a classroom. But with friends, family, and acquaintances...no, I don't use qualifiers for any of us.

[lahdh4]

I don't use qualifers IRL, I just find that some people get weirded out when I don't use them on the forum or in a panel setting. Some tend think I am feeling entitled to use that word by itself, and they are not comfortable with it.
I always talk about My daughter is being raised by Her parents.

[crick]

Sometimes I wonder if we just tried that a bit more if we couldn't create a type of "reform" in some areas, kwim?

Generate more commonality between the triads in a way.

I dunno...

[lahdh4]

I think if you tried you will still find some people who don't like the fact that myself, as first/birth mom, calling myself Mom. They will feel that I gave that title up when I went through with the adoption plan.

[PackDaddy]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

....which brings us back to the point of: why use qualifiers in front of the word "mom"?

Adopted children have two moms.

...

For communications purposes, especially on a message board where the typed word can only express so much.

Call me anything you want just don't call me late for dinner. People refer to my daughter's birthparents as her "real" mom or dad all the time. It doesn't bother me a bit I know what they are trying to say. Sticks and Stones people. As expressed earlier, it's all about intent. If someone is trying to degrade or insult you it's one thing but if someone is trying to communicate and just uses a "wrong" word, get over it. Especially if they are not even referring to you personally. I know I've referred to my daughter's b-mother as "our" birthmother all the time because she is such a part of our new family.
Now if that offends some I am sorry but she takes it as a complement and it's meant as such. Why that should bother someone that it is not directed at is beyond me. SOmetimes it seems people are looking to be offended.

Sorry for the rant but with all of the other issues regarding adoption this seems very small.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

I think if you tried you will still find some people who don't like the fact that myself, as first/birth mom, calling myself Mom. They will feel that I gave that title up when I went through with the adoption plan.

I have definitely had people tell me that exact thing.

Which is much harder than just using a qualifier in the first place. I know it doesn't help revolutionize anything, but I've got to protect myself to some degree. The heat that I've come under for presuming for a second that I could be "Mom" has sometimes been just too much....

Though Crick, I do hear what you're saying, and I think that in theory it's absolutely correct. And it might be in practice too - just some days I don't think I'm strong enough to fight that fight.

[RavenSong]

PackDaddy -- I'm glad you think this is such a "small issue". Language is important; the words we choose to define anything or anybody are important.

Is there a particular reason why you find it necessary to "rant" (as you put it) or to imply that we're simply being silly on the Birth Mothers Support Forum??

[paigeturner]

Originally Posted by PackDaddy

For communications purposes, especially on a message board where the typed word can only express so much.

Call me anything you want just don't call me late for dinner. People refer to my daughter's birthparents as her "real" mom or dad all the time. It doesn't bother me a bit I know what they are trying to say. Sticks and Stones people. As expressed earlier, it's all about intent. If someone is trying to degrade or insult you it's one thing but if someone is trying to communicate and just uses a "wrong" word, get over it. Especially if they are not even referring to you personally. I know I've referred to my daughter's b-mother as "our" birthmother all the time because she is such a part of our new family.
Now if that offends some I am sorry but she takes it as a complement and it's meant as such. Why that should bother someone that it is not directed at is beyond me. SOmetimes it seems people are looking to be offended.

Sorry for the rant but with all of the other issues regarding adoption this seems very small.

PackDaddy - I get what you're saying, however if I referred to you as an "adopter" or your agency as being in the business of "baby brokering" I doubt many would shrug it off as a small thing – even if I said, “my child’s parents don’t mind those terms…in fact they find them charming.” Or, if I said, “it’s such a small thing! Relax! It’s just words!” I have doubts that what I said would be so easily dismissed.

When I see the word “our” or “my” placed in front of the term “bmom” my first reaction is to wonder if you’re talking about “your own mother”. Words like “our” and “my” indicate ownership or employment. Your child’s biological mother was not placed on this earth to be a breeder tasked with supplying you with a child. The ownership language is troublesome to me. Having said that, it’s an annoyance but I hardly lose sleep over it. When I mention it, I do so with the hope that it will foster understanding of the feelings of many first parents to the other members of the triad; I imagine I hope in vein.

[-maggie]

Originally Posted by PackDaddy

I know I've referred to my daughter's b-mother as "our" birthmother all the time because she is such a part of our new family.
Now if that offends some I am sorry but she takes it as a complement and it's meant as such. Why that should bother someone that it is not directed at is beyond me. SOmetimes it seems people are looking to be offended.

PackDaddy, How do you really KNOW that it doesn't bother her?

I think first moms in OA take a lot out of fear of offending. I hope you are right that it doesn't bother her, but it just made me think that there is NO way I would tell my DD's parents if it bothered me. I would just accept it. But that's me...

Paige explained it perfectly as usual!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by -maggie

I think first moms in OA take a lot out of fear of offending. I hope you are right that it doesn't bother her, but it just made me think that there is NO way I would tell my DD's parents if it bothered me. I would just accept it. But that's me...

Without speaking to PackDaddy's specific situation (because I certainly don't know it better than he does) - I know that I would NEVER correct Dee if she called me "our birthmom" in front of Cupcake or anyone else. I wouldn't feel that it was my place.

(When, holy cow, it DEFINITELY is my place when you think about it....I just really wouldn't be comfortable).

[susie_book]

I try to use the terms people prefer to refer to themselves--but personally, I like birthmother. My son's birth was hard work, and the day of his birth was the only day that I parented, and the birth was an important emotional and spiritual event for me. [shrugs] Natural mother makes sense to me, but it seems to freak adoptive parents out, which I can understand; first mother I also like, but I like the fact that labor is evoked with the term "birthmother."

PackDaddy, you don't seem to be speaking from a malicious place, but terminology does end up being important. Other posters have already given examples, but my mother will refer to my son's parents as "those people"; that seems pretty inappropriate, right? Our relationships with our children can seem so tenuous or so threatened that even details matter a great deal. I worried that giving an outfit to the adoptive parents would be inappropriate, that they would take it as a criticism of his wardrobe! No matter how warm and wise and dedicated the adoptive parents are, every b/f/nmother on a.com has read stories of adoptions that were closed abruptly, and I think all of us with minor children worry just a tiny bit about that.