[Rylee45]

I've read a few things on here where people suggest writing a journal for the child they gave up for adoption because someday it might mean something to them.

Although it may be a good idea, it's not always going to make a difference to them. I did write in a journal to my daughter for years. Whenever something came up and I thought it might be something she would like to be included in, even in the small way of a journal, I'd write about it. It was MY saviour for years thinking about how I would be able to give it to her and she'd learn about our family and understand my feelings etc about giving her up and missing her.

Not only did it mean nothing to her, she destroyed the books! She left them in a place she lived in that was condemed and they were lost forever. The originals anyway. I made copies for myself before I gave the books to her. They were kept up from the time she was 5 years old until we met when she was 21 years old. They meant nothing to her.

During the years before I met her I had suit cases full of things like my other kid's baby books and my journals to my daughter and important papers. I kept them by the front door and told the other kids if there was ever a fire to grab one of the suit cases and run out the door with them. I had 3 altogether. I didn't want anything to happen to them.

It hurt so much finding out how little those precious books meant to my daughter. They were nothing but trash in her eyes and nothing I've ever done is good enough for her. I wish I hadn't written those journals with the intention of giving them to her but written them with the intention of helping to heal my hurt from having to give her away.

I just don't understand why after all these years I can't just let go. I want to let go and forget about it and say, "Well, she never really was mine. Someone else stole her from me and nothing I can do about it so I'm going to go on." but I can't. I just can't accept that being reality.

I don't understand why I can't. I don't understand why my daughter hates me so much or at least cares so little about me or our family.

The only thing that she does care about is money. I don't have enough for her to care about me. I hate this.

Rylee

[JustPeachy]

I wish I hadn't written those journals with the intention of giving them to her but written them with the intention of helping to heal my hurt from having to give her away.

Wasn't at least some of your intent to get out your feelings and try to heal some of the hurt?

Unfortunately, we cannot control how someone else will receive something or what value they will place on it. I still think what you did is important, if for no other reason, just to get your own feelings out and keep from being bottled up inside.

I just don't understand why after all these years I can't just let go. I want to let go and forget about it and say, "Well, she never really was mine. Someone else stole her from me and nothing I can do about it so I'm going to go on." but I can't. I just can't accept that being reality.

I don't understand why I can't. I don't understand why my daughter hates me so much or at least cares so little about me or our family.

I don't think you can simply forget about anything, but rather to come to a place where you can "accept what you cannot change." Rylee, the reality is, your daughter is not at a place where she can have the kind of relationship you would like. I'm sure it must be very painful, however, at the same time, it is what it is, and you do have a choice in terms of how you let this affect you. Can you put some of your focus on other things that aren't so troubling? I'm not in your position, so I'm sure it's easier for me to say, but I would prefer to live a good life despite what my son is or isn't doing. It is hard right now for me because I'm waiting for some correspondence for a very long time from him that is not forthcoming. I know that's not the same as your situation, but sometimes it is very hard with the waiting and wondering. At the same time, I have my life to live and I want to enjoy it!! Rylee, try not to let your daughter bring you down this way. It is what it is and it's nothing you can change or fix. Your daughter has to come to a place of healing and whether she does or not will be up to her. And IMO, so do you. Just think if all the energy you are expending on your daughter was spent on you, and on YOUR healing.

[Rylee45]

I understand what you're saying and you're right. It's just that I can't do it for some reason. I've tried. I really have.

Life sucks so bad right now. I know I've been told things that let me know that my mom is not the "reason" I had to give my baby up even though I was for years believing otherwise but it's still hard thinking about my life and how my mom being pregnant with my youngest brother who is only 5 weeks older than my daughter was the reason I was given why I couldn't keep MY baby.

I have tried to go on and forgive after my mom told me how things really went back in those days. I don't know if I believe her or not but she said she tried to find someone who would help me keep the baby and couldn't. She was told all kinds of stuff (or so she says) about why I shouldn't keep the baby etc. She wanted me to keep her but it didn't happen.

Now I'm taking care of my mom because of her invalid condition and having to deal with all her stupid stuff and stupid questions and lack of caring if she is doing anything to improve her health and situation which makes taking care of her harder. She COULD be doing more but won't. So I have to take care of her and I'm frankly sick of it.

I made a promise not to put her in a nursing home as long as I was physically able to take care of her (transfers etc) and I am not a promise breaker so I'm not putting her in a home like I'd LIKE to do. But she's driving me freaking crazy!

I have no real freedom to do anything because of her and then I have to deal with my daughter and her attitudes and hearing from everyone who hears how I feel to not give up on my daughter because it's just the way things are and if I give up on her then I would hurt her more than she already is. I don't know how to deal with that and still have my sanity in tact. I can't do both. It's either get my daughter out of my life and mean it or continue letting her abuse me and treat me like crap because she was adopted and wasn't satisfied with being adopted by the people she was raised by and go absolutly crazy dealing with her in my life the way she is.

I hate what she's done to me and I hate that she blames me for her being given up and doesn't care what really happened or how I was forsed to give her away. She doesn't care that I had the right to have other children besides her and not have to hear how I should have just had her and no one else because if I could give her away I should have either never had another child or never kept any of the others and gave them away too.

It doesn't matter to her how much it hurt me to have to give her away and hear all that crap about going home and forgetting about her. Or the brainwashing that was done and things that were put on me like being put in an abusive foster home while I was pregnant with her and not being able to talk to her birthfather or having to be kept away from all the kids my own age so they couldn't talk me out of giving her up. Nothing I've told her about why she was given up matters to her. She hates me for giving her away and then having other children.

I hate this whole thing.

Rylee

[Withay]

I've never had a child placed for adoption so I won't even pretend to understand what you are going through. I can though say that I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. My prayers are with you. {{{{{Rylee}}}}}