[EZ2Luv]

Rylee, Sadly this is true. When my Momma first showing signs of Alzhimers she was great at fabricating some outrageous stories. I mean really bad stuff like "my Dad raped her" and the crazy part of it was she seemed crediable. Needless to say my family lived in OMG fear of what is she going to say to the wrong person. It was very important for my dad to speak to a social worker and subsequently my brother and I did to attest that some of these outrageous allegations were not true. It is horrible feeling like you are being scrutinized and having to walk on eggshells.

My mom also went through a horrible combative stage where she would strike anyone when she didn't get her way. I had security cameras installed so that I could monitor my parenst from my house( we live in a multifamily house) My friends would joke that i had more security than Macy's, but I was afraid that my mother would do something crazy.
I wasn't bothered by any outside agencies because as I said we didn't qualify for anything and I was primary care giver so there wasn't anyone overseeing anything.
These agencies take elderly abuse seriously so even if your BIL raised hs voice while his mother was in the home they leaglly must report it followed up with a police report.
Can you imagine what it is like for these foster parents when the kids make lies up and they have to be investigated? I could never live like that. The stress alone would cause me to snap.
Is there any way that you can get someone to at least assume half of your "job"? I know that you are concerned and not wanting your mom to have to pay out of pocket, but I learned quickly that my sanity and self preservation had to come before many things. It sounds like you need a break.
For me I likened to a 200 lb rebellious toddler when my mother went through that stage. At least with a child you have some control. It is hard to care for a loved one and even harder if it is aparent because your basically switching roles.

EZ

[Rylee45]

I can understand the need to keep a check on the elderly because there are a lot of people who abuse their parents but I guess with the good reports I've had with the physical therapy people that come in and see how I am with my mother.

I guess I'm just so frustrated by the idea of surprise visits on top of everything else.

I hate ANYONE to come without notice. It's just the way I've always been. I was like that as a kid. I didn't like people coming to see me without telling me first. I don't know why. Now not only is someone going to come check up on us but it's without notice and I can't relax and it makes me angry that I have to deal with that.

With physical therapy coming in 4 times a week to work with my mom, if they seen something they didn't think was right they have the legal obligation to tell someone about it. But I always know when they're coming and that makes me more comfortable with the whole thing.

I've only been given 10 minutes occasionally before they do get here. They call the day they are coming and I don't mind that because I know before they get here that they are coming. Even if it's only a 10 minute warning. It gives me enough time to get dressed if I'm still in my PJ's and it gives me enough time to pick up a few things that may be on the floor.

I still don't like being under the microscope. I don't like the idea that I can't be myself and relax in my own home. It is just wrong!

Rylee

[mary575]

Everything was fine until I was working from home but when I was offered job in a reputed company I could not reject it but my problem was my mom whose vision has faded and needs assistance all the time. Then one of my friend suggested about this care provider and my problem was solved. Now its almost 8 months and my mom has never complained.

[sstuart]

(((Rylee)))

I know this is hard for you. I am not one that loves people just dropping in either. I am trying to get better about it, but I just like my privacy. They will most likely never make a surprise visit. They just want to add to the anxiety.

[EZ2Luv]

Last week I was at the VA hospital with my Dad. Yes the the caregiving daughter is still at work taking care of her father now. Anyhow I picked up this awesome magazine called Caring Today. All I can say is AWESOME! The website is caringtoday.com. I plan on subscribing to the magazine because it was everything an adult child care giver could relate to. There was even some humor in it too. I though of you all as I was reading some of the articles.

EZ

[emmacj]

Stuart, I almost fell over reading your post. My mum had a stroke three years ago and has had two more since. She cannot drive, & I take her to all of her appointments also. I am 21 and still live at home, but have become my mum's fulltime carer. She can feed, bathe & dress herself which is good, but she developed epilepsy as a result of the first stroke, so is very uncertain of going outside by herself, walking into the lounge, etc.

She is alright when I'm with her, that's the thing. I feel so bad for complaining, because I wouldnt NOT look after my mum. In saying that, I;ve found recently that she seems to be guilting me into things. I had a lot of sickness in my childhood, & she says to me "I was there for you when YOU were sick!". Even when I wanted to go to Uni this year, she had a panic attack & said she couldnt cope without me, so I didn't go. I feel like a prisoner some days. I havent seen any of my friends for so long, & have only just started going out for coffee with a few of them, and even then only for half an hour at a time.

Mum goes out, but she wont go without me. It's like three years ago, someone joined us at the hip. I feel like I'm going to be stuck here forever. I can't go to Uni, I can't get a job, god knows how I'm ever going to be able to move out.

I hate myself for complaining like this, because as I said, I would never not look after my mum. Sometimes I feel like I just need a little space to breathe though.

[sstuart]

emmacj,

I am so sorry about your mother's stroke. But I have to say this is not fair to you. It is not fair to children that are still living at home or for those of us that have moved out.
You need to find a way for someone to help you! Are you in the states or UK? You should not have to give up your life like you have to care for your mom. This is too much for anyone.
Is your mom also the mother of your half siblings or are they still younger than you?? (edited***I just realized that they are not, sorry I missed the bottom part)

Please come here and vent. That is why I started this thread. I hate the guilt trips and I really am trying to get over that guilt.

PM me if you need to. Let's see if we can find you some help. I think you should be allowed to have your own life!!

[emmacj]

Sstuart,

I cried when I read your reply, it's good to know I'm not the only one feeling like this! I feel like I've let my mum down, because she's been so good to me when I was sick, now it's her turn all I seem to do is complain.

I live in Australia. We've tried getting help through our local council, but the only help they'll give us is an hour & a half per fortnight where someone comes & cleans the house. They said they can't help any more because a) mum can dress herself independantly, etc, and b) mum is not a senior, she's only just turned 50.

Mum won't go to any groups, all of the activities she used to do (scrapbooking) etc, she wont go to without me tagging along. I don't know what to do - she wont tell our extended family how sick she really is because she doesnt want to be portrayed as a 'sick person'. If I try and get help she'll think that she's a burden, which she's not..

I feel like whacking myself across the face for this, how terrible I must sound!!! Some daughter..

Thanks for your reply, it really did mean a lot to me.
-Emma x

[sstuart]

I am sorry that you can not find any help. I think I would ask for some help from family. You need to take care of yourself. This is not fair to you. You do NOT sound terrible-It sounds like you are overwhelmed and need some help. Other than being somewhat embarassed what is the worse thing that could happen to your mother if you told someone else that you need help? I think you need to do it.

Unfortunately often the person who has had the stroke has a change in their personality and is more difficult to deal with.

Please continue to come here and vent. I am in the US so I do not know what is available in Australia--I can always lend an ear without judgement!