[cls2445]

I am a mother.... I read to her every night, rubbed her little knees and elbows as they pushed against me, craddled her with my arms around my stomach, and loved her from the moment I learned she existed. I gave birth to her in 1963, I was told by the adults in my life at that time I had to place her. I was not allowed to hold or see her, but have kept her in my prayers every night since she was born. We have been in reunion for over a year now. She is my daughter-who happens to have 2 mothers and 2 fathers.
I am at a point in my life that it doesn't matter what others think. I know who I am and finally feel peace with myself. I have forgiven me.

[NanieB44]

Raven,

Just thinking of you and would love to know more of your story when you have time to share.

Blessings!
NanieB

[soprano]

Wow, Raven, you sure know how to start a post!...

I am from Janey's era, in that there was no such thing as an open adoption. In the day, I felt like a commodity to be "harvested". The social worker who worked with me was accomodating until I signed the papers. Then I couldn't get her to take my calls. I was made to feel invisible, and society couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge my existence beyond a "provider" of that commodity. I either was demonized because I didn't abort her [right after Roe v. Wade], or was demonized for not "keeping her in the family" with a disfunctional sibling. There was no one I could talk to.

I feel the adoption triad term was created in the time of open adoptions, and doesn't apply to my era. Birth mother is a accurate term, technically, but doesn't take into consideration all the years of anguish/worry/concern/frustration over the welfare of our child. I understand that many birthmothers relinquish their child so they can move on with their lives, but that was never the case with me. She was a part of my everyday life from the day she was conceived.

There are two problems here with the "triad": the first being that the other two members are somehow more valid than the birthmother; or, that the role of the birthmother is sterotyped or pigeonholed into a function that ended at birth. Neither are true (at least for me).

I hope this "rant" has made sense.

Much love to all the other "others" out there,

Soprano

[meghann]

I'm stumbling onto this thread late in the game (as per usual) & wasn't planning to post, but some things Raven & Janey said made me really want to reply.

I am an adoptive mother in OA, and I want to tell you how much you - and not just "CEers in general," but you all specifically - matter, to me specifically.

Before my husband & I decided to adopt, we took a year to do some soul-searching. He was unsure whether he could be a dad to a child he didn't create, unsure whether the child we eventually adopted would be happy or whether the fact of her adoption would make her miserable & always longing for that something missing.

My soul-searching took a different direction. I simply couldn't figure out whether I could live with myself, knowing that my greatest joy in life came only at the price of another mother's greatest pain. So I came to a.com, and I read every thread on the birthparent support forums. I wanted to get inside your minds - I think, maybe, I wanted to find something here giving me permission to take on the tremendous responsibility and joy - I wanted to find something here that said it would all be all right.

I found so much more than that.

The way adoption was done when I was a child, and before, never sat right with me. It seemed wrong to just shut away such a huge part of who a child was, to pretend she, or more accurately they (but discussion always seemed to focus on first mothers, as if they had no first fathers, except in rare cases), didn't exist. I had heard of OA but didn't know anything about it. I think I thought it was a lot like co-parenting & I didn't think I liked that idea very much.

And I read here. And read, and read some more. I read about your CE experiences, and what I took away from it was that I wanted to do adoption differently.

And after that, I looked into OA and learned what it was really about, and I knew it was at least an improvement over what you all have gone through.

You matter to me, because your stories made me understand completely that I did not want my future child's other mother to have to feel the same pain you were feeling. You matter to my daughter, because your words made me want her to not just know that her first mother loves her very much, but to actually have two very real women as a constant presence in her life, loving her unconditionally & always. You matter to D, I think, because your words made me want to be a friend to her, before I ever knew who she was - made me want her to not have to feel like she had to walk on eggshells around me or fear that I would cut her off or any of the other things that the CE mothers on here have to contend with in reunion - and then when I met her I wanted that even more, because I like her so much and care so deeply for her.

You matter to OA because it is your experiences that underscore why it is that we are doing this - even though it is awkward at first and everyone involved is uncomfortable sometimes and afraid of stepping on toes - because we see that what happened to you and your placed children was the wrong way to do it. The experiences of CE mothers are, I think, the reason why OA exists, and it is keeping your experiences close to our hearts that makes those of us in OA keep working to tear down the walls that were built around you so long ago.

I hope I'm not overstepping any boundaries here. I don't know whether I've ever posted here before (although I think some of you might recognize me from the adoptive parents forum), but I really wanted to post from my perspective about how grateful I am for the impact that you've had on my life and my daughter's.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Meghann,

Thank you for your beautiful post and for the kindness behind it.

Your daughter is lovely by the way!

[Dickons]

meghann.

What a wonderful caring person you are...and what a heartfelt incredible post to Raven and Janey...and I agree, they are wonderful, they are real, their voices are heard and should be told that more often.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[NanieB44]

It is obvious to me, as a closeted birhtmother from the 60's that you thought long and hard before adopting and that you have an immensely loving and open heart. Your daughter is a very blessed child because it is obvious that you love her and accept her in totality and respect who she is and from whence she came. Your child will be whole and happy because of your loving and accepting attitude and you will be even closer to her because you acknowledge, accept and love the "whole package". Blessings on you and your family. You are a very special person!!!

[JustPeachy]

I'm not from the closed era, but had what evolved into a semi-open adoption over the years. I have to echo everything that NanieB44 has said, as well as the other posters who were so touched by your response. I think the way you have approached and handled your open adoption should be the ultimate gold standard for how it is practiced. Have you ever thought of writing about your experience and having it published??

[RavenSong]

Meghann -- I'm sorry it took me so long to reply to your post. To be honest, it took my breath away when I read it yesterday...and I became speechless, something that rarely happens to me, lol. I've spent the past day gathering my thoughts and thinking of what you've said here. And believe me, you've given me a lot to ponder and wrap my mind around...

I wish and pray that more people who are considering adoption would do what you and your husband did -- really search their souls and take the time to learn what it's all about. I can't even begin to express to you how much I'm in awe that you took the time to discover who we, the mothers of the Closed Era, truly are in terms of our experiences, feelings, pain...and most of all the neverending love each one of us has for our children.

I've never really realized before now how the pain and suffering from those long-ago days might make a difference in today's world of adoption. Sure, I've been aware for a long time now that my own pain and grief enables me to reach out to my younger sisters who are now following in my path of relinquishment...but I never realized that it could be making a difference to the parents whom my younger sisters have entrusted their babies to and to those babies, themselves. And for that realization, I am truly grateful to you.

I've printed out a copy of your post, Meg... I'm keeping it nearby for those hard days when I'm discouraged. Thank you for letting us know that we are real and that our voices do matter. Thank you...

[meghann]

Wow - I'm so touched by the responses to my post - and if I'm being honest, a little overwhelmed by it. I was so hesitant in posting because this isn't "my" forum, even though I've learned - and hope to continue to learn - so much here, and I'm so glad to know my thoughts touched you.

Peachy: I hadn't considered writing for publication - I work in that world & so I know how hard it is to get published - but I was thinking yesterday that I might relaunch my old blog with a new purpose. I was never good at keeping up with writing about the daily minutiae of my life (and I don't know that anyone else much wanted to read it), but I have been thinking so much about my own experiences in OA and the issues surrounding adoption in general, and I thought that might be a good way to get my thoughts out of my system in a format where people who don't quite "get it" might take something positive from it. So I'm going to take your post as encouragement that that's a good idea & go ahead with it.

[Dickons]

Meghann,

Will you give us your blog address when you are ready? Please? I have always said that it is the adoptive parents who can make a change, especially for new prospective parents that are afraid to venture outside of their comfort level.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[meghann]

Thanks so much for asking, Dickons.

I finally got around to putting up my first post about 10 minutes ago, so here's the URL: a different kind of family - Vox

[RavenSong]

Meg, you're off to a great start! I've bookmarked your blog and shall be passing around the URL to my friends in the adoption world. Thanks!

P.S. Julia is a beautiful child -- she has the eyes of a very old soul.

[meghann]

Thanks so much, Raven - I think she's gorgeous, too! I was telling D yesterday that it's so funny when people compliment her, because I might say something like "I KNOW! Isn't she the most beautiful baby you've ever seen??" because of course I didn't have anything to do with that so I'm allowed to say it. I only do that with people I know, though - strangers in the market or wherever might think it was rude...

You are not the first person to tell me she has the eyes of an old soul. Sometimes when she's looking at me very intently I expect her to just come out & say something. One of my friends says it's like she's having very deep thoughts but doesn't know how to express them yet, but when she does I'd better watch out!

[Dickons]

Meghann,

Love how you introduce each other - exactly the way it should be, no a's, no b's, just reality.

Thank you - I have put your blog in my favs and will check back often.

Kind regards,
Dickons