[AlisonMarie]

I'm sorry for not being around. I found out last week that I am pregnant, due 12/12/09. It was sooo unplanned. I have only been seeing the dad since the day the baby was conceived, although we've been friends for a year. I feel like I have the worst or best, luck, depending on how you look at it, when it comes to pregnancy. I was on the pill this time, and thought I was doing what I was supposed to to prevent things. We were just having fun, and now I am knocked up! We decided to keep the baby, but of course, having an unplanned pregnancy brings back all the old feelings of my bson. I don't know why, but being pregnant always makes me think of him. It's the reason I had an abortion the first time I got pregnant after placing my son, I felt guilty for keeping a new baby, and not him. He was unplanned too, but I didn't have the courage to keep him. I wonder what he'll think of me for keeping my daughter and this baby, and not him. At the same time, I was so much younger when I was pregnant with him, and I try to remember that. I am 27, I have a good job, I have my own place, and I know I can support a second child, especially with the help of the dad. I just hate that everytime I'm pregnant I am haunted by the memory of my bson.

[JustPeachy]

I felt guilty for keeping a new baby, and not him. He was unplanned too, but I didn't have the courage to keep him. I wonder what he'll think of me for keeping my daughter and this baby, and not him.

I know it is hard, but try to remember that most feelings of guilt are quite useless. You were not in a position to keep the child you made an adoption plan for, and you made what at the time you felt was the best decision under the circumstances. So try not to be so hard on yourself. And try not to worry about what your son will think of you keeping other children. It may be something that bothers him or it may not. And your decisions then and now are nothing to be ashamed of! How your son may or may not feel someday shouldn't reflect upon your decision to have this baby or keep you from enjoying this pregnancy, and feeling good about it. You deserve to have that!

[triciansil]

I just read your blog and WOW you clearly have so much love for your bson! I was in tears!!!! This new baby is a blessing, you have enough love to share, don't feel guilty, you were very young and were not given a chance to keep your bson

[Janeytwo]

Dear AlisonMarie,

I've been out of the forum dealing with health issues with my youngest daughter and am only just now getting back in here. I saw your post and wanted to respond.

First I wanted to echo Peachy's excellent words about guilt...she's so right....it's so useless...and so hard not to feel! :-(

I just hate that everytime I'm pregnant I am haunted by the memory of my bson

((( AlisonMarie ))) The above sentence speaks to me of what a good mother you are. That's how I see it. I mean, what kind of person could relinquish a child without a second thought or a moment's hesitation? Maybe there are folks like that out there.....I wouldn't want to meet them.

No. You are a kind and compassionate person, otherwise you wouldn't care. Ya know?

I had this issue after my youngest daughter was born. This was many years after relinquishing my daughter and son. I had this fear that something terrible would happen to her.....that the fates would exact their revenge on me for being a birthmother. And of course this HUGE fear that some unknown shadowy entity would take her from me.

I've never read up on any of this, but I am thinking that maybe that's par for the course. I dunno....I think (my opinion only) that you are doing the right thing by moving through your feelings and talking about them, instead of shutting them away.

Life is bittersweet is it not? You know....a few weeks back we celebrated my hubby's Birthday. There we were me and my hubby and my daughters and my SIL and my grandson.........we were all sitting around the table toasting hubby with our glasses of Coca Cola....everyone was laughing and having a great time watching my grandson throw sugar packets. And I was so happy and yet I couldn't help but know that there were two people out there somewhere whom I would've loved to share that moment with. But time and tide had other plans.

I cannot change what's gone before but I can grieve it and in the midst of that be thankful for what I do have.

Much peace your way today,