[foreverblue]

I found myself dating a Recon Marine and falling madly in love. The first time i got pregnant he was not very supportive and i lost the baby at 4 months. I was such an emotional wreck and he was not around for over a month due to USMC schools.

It didn't take to long when he got back to stupidly get pregnant again. I was so scared nervous and unsure of what was going to happen. i had a gut feeling he wasn't going to be there and would leave me high and dry. After months of promises and yelling at him for going off with other girls i went into labor early while he was off camping with another woman. Our daughter was premature, undergoing surgery and in the hospital for almost 3 months and he never saw her once. He had begun to date this new girl who did not want him spending time with me, the mother of his child. He stopped accepting me calls, his family didn't seem to care at all what happened and everybody was telling me i should give her up for adoption. He wanted it, my friends and the family that knew what was going on wanted it. I had been sick (more than a little cold), i had no money, swamped in bills, in school, working part time, and the evil marine was no where to be found. I caved and after a few months of trying my hardest i convinced myself it was for the best and signed the papers for a closed adoption. I knew i would never be able to handle seeing her growing up calling somebody else mommy.

Now i never sleep at night because all i can do is dream about her. My friends ask me why i just can't get over it and move on. They tell me it is "no big deal," and ask me what my "problem" is. Sometimes i hear her cry when i know she is not around. My friend spoke with the marine last night and he still has no idea that i am no longer with his daughter and doesn't feel he should call me, everybody agrees with his no need to call, or at least they aid in his irresponsible behavior.

I don't know what to do. i feel so lost and confused.
I want to not spend my nights crying. I want to know it will all be OK, but i don't think it will. Nobody understands why i wont go out and just keep to myself.

Help!

[bromanchik]

I am truly sorry that you felt you had no options here. How long has it been since your daughter left?

[Janeytwo]

Dear Foreverblue,

Hi. Hugs to you ((( Foreverblue )))

My name's Janey. Welcome to the forum.

My friends ask me why i just can't get over it and move on. They tell me it is "no big deal," and ask me what my "problem" is.

My first thought when I read this is that these people are not your friends. Friends do not call the loss of someone's child (and it is a loss)...friends do not call this painful experience 'no big deal'. Anyone who says such a thing is callous, self-centered and completely lacking in empathy for others.

Add to that asking you why you 'just can't get over it' and what you're 'problem' is?!!!!

((( Foreverblue ))) With friends like that Foreverblue, you don't need enemies.


Do you have any kind of support network at all? Do you have access to therapy of any kind?

I ask for two reasons. The first (and most important) because the relinquishment of a child is heartbreaking in the extreme and a person needs all the support they can get to get through it.

The other reason is that I note in your post you've chosen a closed adoption. No judgement of that meant. I understand why. But it has been my experience that closed adoptions bring with them a silence. People around us tend to take the attitude that since our child is no longer with us and is gone legally from our lives, that the best thing is for us to simply forget and move on.

That doesn't happen. I would love to tell you it does but the pain remains. Not that it doesn't get easier but when we live by this forget and move on policy that others have set in place, it damages us.

You have every right to grieve your daughter, to remember her, to honor her and to keep her close in your heart.

Keep posting and talking to us, okay?

And if there is any way, I hope you can find some real emotional support from truly caring concerned people.

My only other advice would be to lose these supposed "friends" because they are anything but.

Much peace your way today,

[cetalley]

Foreverblue, Your journey into this nightmare of what some see as "a selfless act",A.K.A.-Adoption, is so truly disheartening. I wish I could just give you a huge hug! Nothing is fair, when "we" as Moms, relinquish a child...for our lives are indeed changed forever. I did have just one comment on what I took from your post. I noticed, that in your journey, everything is about what OTHERS have said, advised, talked, communicated...its all about everybody...but you. If I may, what are the things you wanted, you needed, you expected? I do not see where it is YOU came into the picture! So many of us make a decision at the moment thinking it is whats best...but we do this, at the worst possible time. Not that there is a "good time", but at a time, when our hormones rage, we are depressed, no sleep, baby in hospital,no support, no-way-out, and on top of all the really important stuff...we are "concerned', or 'worried" over the baby daddy! Why isn't he here, doesn't he car, who is he sleeping with..etc., I am by no means passing judgement, for this is what many of us do! What YOU, not THEM, are left with, is grief, mourning, and all our BESTEST friends saying," we must move on." Foreverblue, "WE" never 'just go on', and for any one person to say that, has never lost a part of theirselves, their heart, and their new identity..being a Mom. You are a Mom...a Mom without a child to show for it. They will never "get it", because they do not live it. Maybe starting there is a good place, excepting they will not understand, then next step, is finding a back-up support. We are here for you, and there are so many wise brave ones whom can help. However, IMHO, you should seek a real life support group, or obtain counseling. Until we can start to 'gain' on the path in our journey, we will continue to fall backward. Backward is no good. Please contact Social services, or county health dept. , that is what they are there for. You sound tired, alone and scared...scared of tomorrow, and you do not have to be! It will in time ease up, and gradually you will incorporate relinquishing into your life. Time has a small way of making it more bareable. We do not forget, for how can one do so? But we can, in time, go on to lead "normal' lives, but we always keep "our" child close to our heart. I try to journal, some others do too. Some try to keep a daily journal at home. I do so because, I like alot of Firstmoms, have no one in my daily life to unload on. It has been 23 yrs now, and I am blessed. I do manage to speak to my GODS, and be thankful, I do have more than I deserve, for I am aware at all times..there are many whom have life alot worse,...but I may NEVER have the one thing I wish for more than any other...the chance to just SEE my twins. You are strong, and you will get through this chapter in your book...but please do it with the gals and guys here, and a "new group" of friends..ones whom can support and allow you your grief. BLESSINGS TO YOU, I will add you to my thoughts, and most definately my prayers...."WHEN WE REMOVE A PEBBLE FROM THE RIVER...IT CHANGES THE FLOW OF THAT RIVER...FOREVER!" ...SERENITY AND PEACE..C.J.

[foreverblue]

Morgan was born on August 30th 2008. She is in my care with the help of some others until February of 09.

Cetalley you said that i was focused on everybody else and not me, and you are right. I felt as though, and still do, that by thinking of myself i am being selfish. The Marine would also tell me not to think of myself but think of her, our daughter. He also said he would be around to help me and support me, what i a joke that was.

I feel that because i gave her up for adoption ( i really don't like the phrase "gave up") I have to make the most of my life. i have to get a terminal degree and maybe cure cancer and aids. I don't feel like i am aloud to go out and have fun, date or do any of those things because if she was still with me i wouldn't be able too.

I worry that she will spend her life hating me, thinking that there is something wrong with her, feeling like she is worthless and lost. She is none of those things!

The marine was around so little that he still doesn't know that Morgan is no longer in my care. He has started to ask one of my friends about it. I am not sure what to do about that. i am sure he will never as me and he can just spend is life not knowing.

The sad thing about him is that after everything he has done i truly believe that he cares about her but is just too afraid of everything, too much of a child, too worried about protecting her from himself, too destroyed from war to get anything right. All of that sympathy fades though when i think of what i have done and what i could do.

Thank you guys so much for all you have said. i don't feel so alone and lost in a thick fog screaming out with nobody to hear.

[kakuehl]

It does help to talk to people who understand. Many of us here have our own stories to share (and live). A couple thoughts -- recognize that you are grieving: the loss of your child, the loss of your dreams, the loss of trust for The Marine. Also, recognize that you will need to forgive yourself. Sometimes we are much harder on ourselves than others are. It is (or will be) ok to go out and have fun... to move on with your life. You will be honoring her life far more if you do have a full life and are a woman she can be proud to claim as her birth mother. BTW, many of us use the phrase "placed for adoption" rather than "gave up". Someone on the forums said that we do not stop being the child's mother, we just relinquish the right to parent the child. Did you have the opportunity to leavde a letter with her for when she was older? Cetalley spoke of journaling. Many women write letters to their children through the years that they can give to the child when/if they are reunited.

Cetalley also mentioned counseling. Bromanchik is a wonderful resource person who can help you find a counselor. It is important that you have a person who understands the issues of adoption so that you don't hear more of they lines your "friends" are feeding you. A good counselor can really help you through the emotions you face rigth now.

[Teenmom2007]

Wow, sounds very emotional and I want to introduce my adoption I went through (I'm a birth mom too).
I was 16 when I got pregnant and the birth father was a pot head and wanted to be with his friends more than me. I decided to move from NC to Ut using LDS Family Services.
I stayed with a foster family that didn't have any other kids becuase they couldn't. They loved me and got to know me before I even announced Christmas 2007 I would like them to adopt my baby.
I have a huge open adoption, and as open as it is, even tho it has been 2 years, I still grieve. I'm doing better because I have a great husband and a son (9 months) and I see my daughter ona regular basis.
The adoptive mom told me a secret...
She had a baby when she was 16 and back then there were alot more closed adoptions. She came and talked to my birthmom support group and said that she wish's she had written a letter to her daughter she had placed over 21 years ago.
She said she wonders about her alot, and that she felt like she had a big hole in her heart.
I felt that way and I have an open adoptino with them.
All I can say that it will take time...maybe the agency you went through with the adoption will let you write a letter to your child and she can read it when she is older? I'm not sure if that would help.
I had my daughter on Easter, April 2007 and while being pregnant with her, I kept a journal and wrote my thoguhts, feelings, testimony on personal things, and sometimes to tell her how my day went.
I'm not sure if i plan to give her the journal, but I knew it did help
I also got to counciling at LDS Family Services on Thursdays. The support group there, not all girls place their babies for adoption, some keep, and if they place, not all have it open. So there are many different ppl in the group, and we all support eachother.
Though I have a great family now, I still grieve from time to time and it feels good to go to a place where I feel like I can express myself and people understand.
Hope this helps

[cetalley]

TeenMom, Bravo for you! I am so proud of the way you are managing your journey, and doing so in such an admirable way. You offer so much to others like us, and I hope you continue to do so. There are many first/natural moms, and even future firstmoms, whom could use someone as yourself, to help them understand ...understand that once we begin this journey, there is NO turning back. Too many young expectant moms, are scared alone, afraid to talk to someone, therefore they turn to agencys, lawyers, and facilitators-Social Workers, for guidance. That type of guidance , as we know, is not the type we need. Quickly, a bit about my journey...I am 23 yrs. into this, they are in my heart eachday. I stopped the search(I hired a C.I./P.I in Az.) where I relinquished( not by choice). My C.I. called me yesterday, even though she has been released from my case, she has decided to continue looking for my twin sons. The reason she has chosen to do this is because the agency I used, was not even licensed their license were denied in the year 1986 for a renwel, because of unethical acts, coercion, threats, and bribes, and basically stole my twins! She is about to go in front of a supreme court judge, and fight this battle. She is using my case to try and change some laws. The man behind my nightmare has, to this day many counts against him, as had many agencys in many states -shut down. Seymour Kurtz, is now in his 70's, he has made millions, including internationally...from baby stealing,and selling. He is a former prosecuting attorney,and has had political help in the years of his baby selling rings, he will never know tthe profund sadness and heartache he has bestowed upon me..for life. These are the people that young mothers, need to see through. I was not as young as most of you girls are or were...I was a very naive, stupid, scared 24 yr old..should have known better..alas did not. I will not allow my sons to know they were illegally taken from me, nor will I ever allow them the truth, that more than likely(C.I. OPINION), their parents were full participants in this theft. Their money has worked very well for them, because my C.I. now has to go before the supreme court, to show all evidence and beg for permission to even enter into their state. I hope you will continue with your wisdom, and counseling, for you may just one day save another naive young girl from years of torment and grief. Blessings to you...C.J.

[Teenmom2007]

Thanks Cetalley, I can't imagine tho I am a birth mom of your heart ache! I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, and very glad to know that even tho the C.I./P.I. is helping even tho she was released from the case. People like that are just as much "heros" as we are (I quoted it because people on the outside looking in call birth moms heros so I was quoting them)
I hope she gets the evidence she needs and the permission to go into the state and hoefully find them and prosecute them!
How long ago did you place? (if I may ask) I think its wrong for people to take advantage of other's emotions. Not even myt husband can fully understand the grief I go through, but he knows I do sometimes hurt tho I get to see Christian alot. And as long as he understands that until the hole in my heart shinks little by little (until there is a scar) he will continue to support me emotionally.
I hope you keep me updated on whats going on, I'll pray for you. I'm glad even tho you're story isn't a fairy tale ending like mine is (and who knows, maybe it will be?) you found support on this site

[1tj1diogi1max]

I gave my son up 22 years ago at birth.I barely even got to hold him. i'm sorry for your pain. As time passes, it will become easier. I still cry I want to cry right now knowing how you feel. Wow! you love her soo much you gave her to parents that are able to give her the things you can't right now. Just the other day I meet a family with 2 children a girl adopted at 1 a boy at 2. I had to tel her thank you and how good it feels to see the happy healthy family it gave me peace. Write me if you have questions or if I can help in any way.
Rebecca

[AlisonMarie]

I wish this website was here when I placed my son in january 97. I was 15, and like you, felt pushed into making a decision I wasn't completely sure what I wanted, but felt like I HAD to do it. The first few months I'd describe as unbearable. It does get better, but give yourself time to grieve and be sad, and find a support network who understands you. I couldn't stand people telling me I was being too emotional, or telling me, what's the big deal? I found an adoption counselor, who really helped validate my feelings, and got me through some bad times.

[lostandconfused89]

i stumbled on this site today looking for information on adoption and i am glad i found it....many people went through stories like mine and at the time i felt alone...i now know i am not....as long as we stick together we can make it through we can be there for eachother even if it is online....we have one thing that no one else does understanding as to what others on this site have gone through....it will be hard but soon you will be able to see the light at the end of your tunnel....may god hold your hand and guide you through the mirky waters that we call life.

amanda

[kakuehl]

Welcome to the forums!