[thanksgivingmom]

Cupcake's bdad contacted me on Facebook today. Well, he asked to be my "friend."

HA.

I haven't seen him, in three years, almost to the day. We haven't spoken either. He sent me an IM once about two years ago this Easter. That's. It.

He's become friends with my sis online, commented on pics of MY apartment that she has up, but it's taken seven months of me being on FB (and him knowing I was on FB since he's been friends with my sis that whole time) for him to actually contact me.

I don't even know what I need from this.....support? advice? I don't want him looking at all my pictures, having access to my life. I just don't know.....with everything else right now, I just didn't need to deal with this on top of that......

[JustCourtney]

Wow. I am not sure of your history, but I am going to assume that it wasn't all rosy, and that you didn't part as BFFs. If it were me, I would be dying to know why he wanted to be "friends" now, and what he had to say. that being said, I have learned (many times over), that often the past is better off left in the past.

Does he have a relationship with Cupcake? I guess that if he does, it would be a good reason to for the two of you to have at least a casual/cordial relationship. If he doesn't, I guess there is no reason other then if you want to.

I am curious, why is he friends with your sis? I think that would irk me.....

[thanksgivingmom]

Ooooooh, it irks me. Of course, no one in my family knows about Cupcake, so it's not like she's got the same ax to grind with him as I do. He asked to be her friend and she accepted. They never were "friends" really, but she's a friendly person and wouldn't "deny" his friendship without a reason because she'd just see it as being mean or something. It bugs me beyond belief but without explaining it to her I don't think she'll drop him.

I have my reasons us not being BFF's, most of which I don't really share publicly.....but I tend to think they're pretty valid. Some re: Cupcake and others that don't.

He does not have a relationship with Cupcake - Dee wants to approach him when she's at least five years old before trying to open that side of the adoption up. I told her that I would keep tabs on him and where he is so if they need my help I would, but I don't want anything to do with it as far as actual involvement.

[DPline]

Ugh is right! No advice, but sympathy!

[belleinblue1978]

TG,

Here are my thoughts.

You don't need to be friends with him. I'm not friends with my ex and he apparently has a little bit of contact with Kiddo.

It also isn't your job to keep tabs on him til Dee is ready for that side of the relationship to be open. Dee has his name right? She's a big girl, let her do it on her own.

When we place our kids it isn't as if they are becoming the children of divorce. It isn't our job to maintain relationships for them, as long as you have passed on his information, you've done what you need to.

[JustCourtney]

Ugh is exactly right!

I can just see that little "request for friendship" (or whatever it says) alert taunting you everytime you log in to Facebook!

I don't think you owe him your friendship. Or, anything for that matter. Correct me if I am wrong, but if he really had something he needed to tell you, or was genuinely interested in Cupcake, he could send you a message regardless if you were "friends" or not. I would dare to guess he is just curious, or wants to alleviate himself of any guilt he feels - that if you accept his friend request, then he will think he is off the hook. I have found that boys/men in general tend to be fairly simple and dense.

Your sis not knowing sure does complicate it all. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. Too bad she she's so nice and friendly! Then again, it is a good way for you to keep tabs from a distance. Nothing easy about this, is there?

Regardless of what you decide, I hope you are able to make your choice soon, so that you might be able to sleep this weekend! I have developed a headache just thinking about it!

[thanksgivingmom]

Took a nap in the hunt for clarity.

Woke up to TWO friend requests, so I went in there, accepted the guy that's actually an old friend I hadn't spoken to in a while, and thought, "ugh" - again.

Thanks for your perspective Belle. I suppose Dee's always just assumed that I would help her in a couple years with bdad, and of course, I never put my foot down to explain that I wouldn't or why that would be so hard for me. My guess is the time will certainly come when I make that clear.

I know I won't accept the "friendship" - though I'm having a hard-ish time actually hitting the "ignore" button.

[browneyes0707]

I feel like my vent last night conjured the B-dad spirits, and I am SO SORRY they found yours!!!!!

Not much to say that I haven't said/you know already. Just sending my love and a collective UGH!!!

Do you want to borrow my erase button?

[thanksgivingmom]

Yes please

And don't worry, your bdad drama didn't lead to mine!

Hey, at least on Facebook you basically DO have an erase button, it's just called "Ignore" - and once upon a time I DID do something on Facebook so he wasn't supposed to "see" me or something.....or at least it made me not "see" him on there for a while.

[Gwen72]

TG-The bdad of the son I placed contacted me in September, 08. That was 17 years after I had last seen him or spoke to him. I got a message on Classmates that said, "someone wants to reconnect with you." When I opened the message and saw his name I immediately started crying and couldn't breathe. I spent the next few days a sobbing mess. I finally contacted him and we talked. I got alot of things off my chest and he apologized for how he treated me. It gave me some closure about what happened and I do feel better now. I hope that you find some closure and some peace no matter how you decide to handle Cupcake's bdad.

[JustPeachy]

Hmmm.....could he have "friended" your sister to get closer to you? I'm just not sure why he needed to become friends with your sister online. And does she know you two were involved? That whole thing would irk me the most. There's no way I'd want any of my family friending any of my exes.

As far as bdad accessing you through your Facebook, I'd block or ignore or whatever you can do to not give him access to you (I don't have Facebook, so I don't know how it all works).

If your sister knows this guy is your ex, can't you tell her it bugs you that she is friends with him simply because he's your ex? Or does she not know that? And can you trust your ex to not spill the beans to your sis about Cupcake?

I agree that you shouldn't have to keep tabs on this guy. Let Cupcakes mom have his info and let her keep tabs.

Sorry you are dealing with all this.

[lahdh4]

I haven't had to deal with Biker on facebook. Just myspace. However, saying that, Supergirls' photo's are private, only viewable by me. On facebook, they are only viewable by certain people as well so that noone can just go looking.
They have his name and info, it isn't up to me to work on that relationship when they have a hard enough time dealing with this one.

(((HUGS)))

[zxczxcasdasd]

Sorry you're having to stare at the request. Not sure what to tell you. I think it's just something you have to decide for yourself, if you want to open that door, in whatever way or to whatever degree, or not.

[cetalley]

Sorry this is so conflicting for you I am conflicted myself, wondering why you are so conflicted about hitting the ignore button..or reject button?????? I do get the whole thing of not wanting to have him present in your life...but I would think this would make it easier to reject ! Sorry I am not helpful , maybe just curious as to why it is so hard the click the button....either way, you will make the right choice...WHEN you are ready. Blessings to you, hoping you find some serenity along the way...C.J.

[thanksgivingmom]

Sis definitely knows that he and I dated....so I'm not sure why that wasn't enough of a reason to deny him, but she didn't - whatever. He definitely could be using her to try to get to me - he even asked her to go running once when she was training for a half marathon. I thought it was weird then, and I still do now. In her defense, Sis was like, "what a weirdo" after that happened, she just never deleted him.

Gwen - I'm sure I'll talk to him eventually - someday. And maybe things will have changed and he'll apologize and all sorts of things. Part of me I suppose isn't ready to forgive him yet. It's still "new" - well, as new as three years can be. But when you go through what we've all gone through, three years can seem like the blink of an eye, you know?

I guess I just wish that if he wanted to talk or something he would have sent me a message instead of this passive friend request deal. If he wants to talk - then talk.

I got a very wise PM that said I wouldn't have accepted his "friendship" without contemplating it, so it's good that I didn't reject it without thought as well.....