[Rylee45]

Sorry, I am just in one of those moods and reading the ads on here and all over the place with titles like:

"Pregnant? We can help?". or "Pregant? What can we do to help?" or any other number of "Can we help?" kind of ads for girls who are pregnant.

They aren't wanting to help the girl keep her baby! They are wanting to help rip that baby from her arms! They don't want to help her learn to be a good mom or to help her financial situation to make sure her baby is raised by her because the baby needs it's own mother.

I just get SO angry reading those titles because they are out to help themselves to ruin a girl's life by taking her baby. They are out to get the money for her child from adoptive parents. They are out to help make their own pockets fatter with all the money they get from whoever is involved in making sure that baby is taken from it's mother and convince her she is not the "right" mom.

God, it just makes me so angry thinking about how people in the "business" or just anyone who could possibly believe that the girl/woman who is pregnant
with a child ISN'T the "right" mother!

I mean, how could the pregnant girl/woman NOT be the right mother!???? Why do people think a child needs another mother who can give the child "things" or have "two parents" or whatever ELSE they say the biological mother will never be able to give the child???

Most woman's circumstances are temporary! Eventually they can have good circumstances in their lives and do for their own child what they've been convinced by everyone around them they aren't good enough to have the chance for or have convinced them of the ridiculous things that they will NEVER be a good mom or a good provider or whatever else. It makes me sick!

Adoptive parents are just people! They aren't "perfect" not all of them are rich. A LOT of them get divorced in their child's lifetime! There are so many different situations with those who adopt that are no better than the birth mother that it makes me sick to think that birthmothers are made to believe THEY are nothing and will be horrible parents to their OWN child!

I just want to scream and scream until my throat goes hoarse. I can't stand what society decides is "best" for the baby or the unfair and unreasonable judgement of the birth mother.

Although I am a christian my opinion is this....

WHO GIVES A CRAP IF A WOMAN HAS SEX OUTSIDE MARRIAGE AND GETS PREGANT???????

Just because a woman gets pregnant without being married doesn't make her any worse than those who have sex without being married and DON'T get pregnant! And it doesn't make them any worse than a person who adopts a child. She is just as good as the adoptive parents but no one will give them the chance to believe in that and keep her own baby. It's sickening!

AARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!

Rylee

[RavenSong]

Rylee, my suggestion to avoid the ads is to either buy a Premium Membership, or to download the Firefox browser and add the AdBlockPlus extension to it. Works like a charm.

[AlisonMarie]

Rylee- I have to say, I struggle with this the most. Even when I became a mother myself, I was constantly feeling not good enough....probably because this was what I was told when I had to give my son away. I was told that children should have two parents, parents with a house, nice cars, stable life. I just wish people understood that it's not always the reality, but it doesn't mean the child can't have a great life.

After talking to an adoptive mother, I found she even had the same feelings....that everything had to be perfect in her own life, or else the birth parents would want their child back.

I wish adoption was more about not being ready for parenthood, instead of feeling backed into a corner, and not feeling good enough or rich enough. And I wish it was less about finding the "perfect" family, and more about just finding two people who want to be parents.

Raven- thank you!! I hated coming here sometimes because of the ads, now they are gone!!

[BrandyHagz]

The ads keep the site free, the topic is adoption - they may not be pretty, but they keep this place available to users.

Ironically, I think that some professionals ARE listening - I have (as I am in the industry) seen an awesome shift towards supporting a woman in making a fully informed decision.

Websites are changing to reflect this.

Ads are changing to reflect this.

I understand the frustration, I honestly do - but hopefully you can see our position as well.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I would agree with Brandy that there has been a shift in ads and how (some) sites are talking about the topic in general. If you are displeased with an ad, consider writing the company/agency that is actually producing the ad. I have done so in the past.

Changes won't be made if you don't raise your voice.

As Brandy said here, if you want free, you've got to deal with ads. If you want to see a change in those ads, you need to go to the source(s). Adoption.com doesn't make the ads. You know?

[Rylee45]

I wasn't particularly talking about the ads here. I'm just talking about ads in general talking about adoption.

I see them on tv. In magazines. Radio ads. Newspaper clasifieds. Hear it in church. All either people talking about how they'd make a good parent for your child. Or ads asking if you are pregnant and want help. Or any number of other things talking about adoption and "helping the girl/woman" out of a "bad" situation or whatever.

The ads for those are not to be concerned about the help the woman/girl would really need such as daycare paid for her to go to school, or work. Or classes for the girl to learn to be a parent and see the options she has outside abortion or adoption.

The help isn't actually FOR the girl. It's FOR the agency to line their pockets with the outrageous fees they charge the adoptive parents.

I feel bad for the adoptive parents too in all this. I know they get a bad rap and accused of a lot of things such as "stealing" the baby etc for their selfishness.

Until I came here I felt the same. I felt them selfish and not caring about the birthmothers because of what I went through with my daughter's adoptive parents. However I don't have the anger at the people here anymore who adopt children. They all have their own issues and things they've had to deal with in adoption.

I'm just hoping that as time goes by that the adoptive parents who don't already, start seeing how important that the birth mother is in the ENTIRE scheme of things.

Important to the child to know their true heritage and who they really are. Important because she was the reason they have the child to raise. Important because she is a person who hurts and feels sorrow for the loss of her child no matter if it's open or closed adoption.

I just hate seeing all the ads no matter where they are. I don't hate all adoptive parents, just my daughter's. I don't know all the others and due to seeing so many here who really do care about the birthmom, I have no reason to be angry with them.

I do appreciate the suggestions of how to get rid of the ads here when I come here. I really REALLY hate them for what they represent.

Rylee

[AlisonMarie]

Rylee- I knew what you were talking about, and I've felt the same way. My son's adoptive parent's never held up their end of the deal, and never wrote to me or sent pictures, which is ALL I wanted. I hurt everyday because of that, and I don't think it's fair. I also don't like how the ads make it seem like they care, when they don't, always. I know I feel very betrayed by so many people involved, the agency the adoptive parents used as well....and they used one of the bigger ones. So, I get your feelings, completely.

[Rylee45]

Alison,

I know what you mean about feeling betrayed. It's what they did to all of us girls in the 70's when I gave my baby away. Actually she was taken I didn't voluntarily give her away but they told me so many many lies just to get my baby from me.

I don't have the energy to go into my story right now. Since you're new to the group (or at least by the number of posts you've posted I'm assuming you're new) you might not know my story but I'm so against adoption because of the experiences I've had with it and the reunion gone horrible and the adoptive parents feeling I should have died after my daughter was born. It was heartbreaking. I nearly had a nervous breakdown over things I found out when my daughter and I met.

You know, I would have been happy and satisfied too if I'd gotten pictures throughout her life and heard she was ok or at least had the opportunity to help her when she was in trouble. It would have been the thing that would have helped me get through all those years without her.

It's just so hard not to be angry sometimes when it comes to adoption, even though I know there are good people adopting children and actually keeping promises made to the birthmother. Just knowing there are so many that are completely selfish and don't care about the birthmother or what she is going through as long as they can have a family makes me want to scream. You know?

Rylee

[Theatrenerd]

I do have to say i understand what you are feeling based on these adds for agencies however you still have to realize a couple of things firstly that it is an adoption agency's job to find mothers who feel they are at the end of their options and are considering adoption. It is also their job to find these children homes. It is not their job to give the mother support in raising a child herself. If that is the decision she has made to do then seeking help for parenting classes or other places of knowledge should not be done through adoption agencies but rather through local hospital support groups that quite frankly can be found through doctors and the ministry of children and families. If these mothers are visiting sites dedicated to adoption they obviously are still making up their mind and therefore need to find information to help their decision either way and quite honestly websites dedicated to mothering and those dedicated to adoption both have a strong argument and opinon to sway decisions their way. Or they may be visiting these sites because they have now made up their mind and are looking for the right agency to work with them to get the type of adoption and relationship that they want.

[Rylee45]

When I was forsed to give my daughter away, there was no support anywhere for me to keep her. It was ALL in favor of my child being ripped out of my life and ruining both of our lives so someone else could have a family.

I was so naive and stupid back then and no one around could see anything other than my giving my baby away and "going home and forgetting about her".

The agencies are all in it for the money and not for "helping" the girl and seeing if she truely has already seen all her options.

Just because a girl goes to an agency doesn't mean she wants to give her baby away. More than likely she hasn't been given any OTHER option and has been made to feel selfish for wanting to keep her OWN baby.

When I asked the agency who handled my daughter's adoption WHY they didn't give me any other options at that time than adoption and why they didn't help me with anything, they told me that it wasn't their responsibility to do anything more than give me a foster home to live in while I was pregnant and find a home for my baby because my baby was a "problem" that needed to be solved and adoption was the way to "solve" the problem.

They didn't give a rats butt what it was going to do to me or my daughter. It was ALL about the money. ALL of it.

I don't care what anyone says, there is no caring whatsoever about the girl OR the adoptive parents in an agency. It's ALL about getting money for our babies to line the agency pockets. That's it.

IF it were anything other than that, they'd find ways to help the girl to take care of her baby herself, they'd give counseling and other things and THEN after the girl has seen if she can take care of her own baby and still feels it's not something she wants to do THEN go for adoption.

The agencies do NOT care how anyone feels. They don't care what the cost to the families involved. They don't care if you are happy or not just as long as that almighty dollar is crossing their palms!

They lie to the girls. They lie to the adoptive parents. They lie to everyone just so they can rip a child from a young girl's arms to give it to someone who has several thousand dollars to give over to have that child as their own child.

I think it IS the agencies responsibility to make sure the girl is COMPLETELY informed of her options before they proceed in brainwashing her to beleive it's the ONLY option she has "if she loves her child".

Options like daycare, schooling, and other things that she doesn't know about or understand she has the rights or the ability to do so she can keep her baby IF that's what she really wants to do is what the agency she approaches should have ready for those who come to them for "help".

If a girl is giving her baby up for adoption she should have ALL the options that could help her make a REAL decision and not one that benefits anyone else but her and HER baby. Not everyone knows where to look for help or what to do for certain situations for their life with a new baby.

If you've never dealt with that kind of thing, how the heck do you know WHERE to look or what to do if you don't have a clue about that stuff? It's just wrong to assume that just because someone goes to an agency that they've already "searched out" all the options available to them so they can keep their own child and not have to be forsed to give it to strangers.

A lot of girls freak out, think there's nothing they can do BUT give their baby away and they get trapped into that cycle of ridiculousness because they don't know what ELSE they can do. That's not a good enough reason to give your baby away because you don't know of your other options.

The agencies should be REQUIRED to have all that information available and make SURE the girls are informed so they can really make the decision with a clear and educated choice in the matter and not out of desperation from lack of information and not knowing what else to do.

Rylee

[susieloo]

Bless your heart Rylee...
I know exactly where you are coming from. I too have a resurgence of anger...my daughter is 30 now, and we have been in reunion for twelve years. My whole body went into involuntary shock a couple of weeks ago after she had been to stay the night.(headache, sweats, nausea and I cried and cried.) We usually see each other once a year and email etc, and this hasnt happened since our initial meetings 12years ago. And i find myself now going through another grief cycle...anger being the part i am in now!
They were our babies and we were supposed to get over it!
Take care, i have read a lot of your posts so understand some of your history.
Susie

[Rylee45]

I just don't understand the whole adoption thing and the bizarre thinking that some people have about it.

I don't mean to be cruel or anything and what I'm going to say isn't meant as anything more than a not undertanding how people can think this particular way. No offense is meant to anyone with what I'm saying next.

I realize I have probably said this before but the one thing I don't get is how ANYONE can think when a girl/woman has a baby and gives it away that she abviously "doesn't care about the baby" or she'd keep it. Or she just isn't "mother material" and can OBVIOUSLY go on and "forget" about the baby that she had. Or tell her the Lord MUST have a "plan" for her baby after all he did "give it to her when she was single and unworthy of keeping it". THEN say when she's "ready" to have her "own" family she can just go and do it because after all "she's fertile" she's already had ONE baby she can have more to "replace" the one she gave away.

However, when a girl/woman LOSES her baby through miscarriage everyone "UNDERSTANDS" why she's upset and why she'd cry and feel bad and "yern" for her baby. She isn't told to just "go on and forget" because after all, "the Lord must have had other plans for your baby so get over it". She's given sympathy. She's encouraged to adopt if she can't conceive and hold on to the baby. Everyone feels bad for her because "she'd be a wonderful mother" who is denied the "right" to be a biological mother so she should take a child someone else has who can "have other children later" and take that child as her own.

No one gets uppity and name calling or judging things due to her "behaviore" or about her position in life and her inabilty to have children or her losing a child. But the "young girl" (or woman) who chooses adoption as the option for her baby is downgraded. Made to feel like a slut and a runaround and someone who isn't "worthy" to keep her own child because "someone else is more deserving" of HER baby.

It just makes me SO mad the way society thinks and treats all of us.

Yes it's devastating not to have your own child. I remember after I'd been forsed to give MY baby away I was told several months later that I couldn't have anymore children. I was devastated. I wanted MY baby back. I wanted to the child I gave birth to.

I contacted the agency and agency lady who handle the adoption when told about my situation and that I wanted my baby back said, "You can always ADOPT if you want a family". Your daughter is gone and you can not have her back. MY GOD how could she have said that?!

My baby was taken by forse from me and then I was supposed to ADOPT and put someone ELSE through the hell I was going through!? NOT A CHANCE!!!!!!

Everyone felt bad for me not being able to have any children at that time. That's when people felt sorry for my having to give my ONLY child away. However, after more tests and other things going on, I was able to have 3 more children after I was married. But temporarily I honestly thought I had given my only child I'd ever have away and it devastated me as much as giving her away in the first place.

It just makes me so angry thinking about adoption and how people think and how things are. I doubt things will ever change to a point where people stop judging the birth mother for her choice to give her baby away regardless of it being by choice or not.

Rylee

[dpen6]

rylee,

I have to agree with you..in our society today it is just a very glib answer to a very unnatural act. "just give it up, putemup for adoption, make an adoption plan, go on with your life, build a family by adoption, grow a family by adoption, give the gift of adoption, its all
god's plan, .

In all those adds it is the needs of the emom and the potential amoms that are adrressed.. because thats who is being marketed.....there is no thought, comment about what the baby actually needs.

The "thing", product is an actual human person.....it amazes me how that is forgotten.

at the end of the day what is not reailzed is that "plan, pregnancy, family builder, is an actual human being that has their own needs and if the biomom can provide those needs,food, shelter, love and some level of stability..with a little help then mom and the "product" should stay together.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

However, when a girl/woman LOSES her baby through miscarriage everyone "UNDERSTANDS" why she's upset and why she'd cry and feel bad and "yern" for her baby. She isn't told to just "go on and forget" because after all, "the Lord must have had other plans for your baby so get over it".

I actually have been told this very thing. Several times.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I actually have been told this very thing. Several times.

I was told that frequently too.

ETA-Only those who had experienced a mc seemed to understood my grief. Most people did not and thought I should just get over it.