[-maggie]

Rosed6914 thank you for you for sharing your experience with me. It helps me to hear another perspective. My mother will not talk to me about how she feels about the adoption (before or after), which makes it hard to understand where she is coming from. I think silence gives the impression of not caring at all. Perhaps in trying to understand how she feels will help me overcome some of my issues with her. I think that sometimes we are consumed with our own emotions that we can’t see past them. I sincerely appreciate your words. You have given me something to think about and perhaps this will allow me to let go of some of this anger toward her. THANK YOU!

[rosed6914]

Maggie--I do not know how old you are. For me, I am 52, but can tell you that my mom, the birth great grandomther, is 73. While my mom knew of my daughter's pregnancy, she does not talk about it at all. If I bring up the pain or difficulty of just getting by on a daily basis, her reply is just "you must get over this and move on." Your mom's unwillingness to talk about the adoption could be based on her age and the generation that she was raised in.

In fact, when my son who is now 18 was diagnosed with Autism, my mother refused to believe or accept that any thing was "a little off base". He is now a wonderful young man ready to graduate from high school and go to college, but we had some difficult years and I finally had to tell my mom that she could accept the diagnosis or not, but I had to do what I felt was best for my son as his mother.

I love my mother dearly, am very close to her, and speak to her on a daily basis, but I do realize that she is from a generation of women who were raised to be silent, suck it up, and just keep on living.

Perhaps, depending on your mom's age, she is of the same beliefs.

[-maggie]

Hi rosed6914! My mom is 56. She is a very private person and does not discuss anything of importance. I've never been able to understand why she is so distant. It is who she is. I have accepted that. I do know that her mom is the same. I think that you are correct that she was raised to be silent & to just suck it up. As I am typing this I realize why I've been silent all of these years....

You have really helped me understand this a bit... thanks again I REALLY appreciate your perspective!

[-maggie]

Hey Raven or Janey…. This thread has me thinking about finding some kind of support group locally. Any ideas of where to start looking? I’m not sure if I’m ready yet, but I would like to start preparing myself. I’ve never been to anything like this before….. but I am realizing that it may help. The thought of talking to strangers scares me to death, however talking is what I need and I think dh would probably like a break lol.

If it’s not ok to post info here, please send me a pm… I’d really appreciate it if you could point me in the right direction!

[RavenSong]

Maggie - If you send me a PM with what town or city you live in, I can run a search for you for a triad support group. I think "in real life" support groups are a god-send personally.

[wdbtaylor]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I was asked this question this morning, how do we let go of the pain and grief of relinquishment? So now I'm putting it out here... How do we get rid of this grief that comes from surrendering our babies? Have you found anything that works well for you? Do you have any tips or ideas?

For myself, I was unable to work through the grief until I fully acknowledged it. Like so many birthmoms, I buried my grief the first few years after I placed my infant son for adoption. It wasn't until almost eight years later that the emotional numbness began wearing off. Even though I wasn't numb anymore, I still had problems with processing my grief and pain. I tried to shove it somewhere deep inside myself, but of course, that didn't solve anything.

We often talk on these boards about how we have to go through something in order to reach the other side. I think that's what I did... I had to allow myself to feel the feelings, to feel the grief, the fury, the rage, the pain, the loss, the betrayal of trust. I felt like I was walking through the fires of hell. It scared the heck out of me...at times, the feelings inside of me seemed overwhelming. I was afraid I wouldn't survive that part of my journey...but I did...and I reached that "other side" we so often talk about.

I think that going into therapy helped me a great deal. It was hard work, but fortunately I had a great therapist who, although she didn't have any previous experience in dealing with birthmothers, was willing to learn. She helped me process my emotions during the early years of my reunion with my son. I still have occasional sadness and regret, but I don't have that all-consuming grief and pain anymore.

There were several "dark nights of the soul", where I ended up down at the beach, yelling into the wind so no one would hear me, except God. I let out all that pent-up grief and rage...I cried until there were no more tears left.

So now I'm wondering...how do other birthmoms deal with their grief and pain, especially the soul-crushing kind? I used to think that time, itself, would eventually heal us, but I know now that is not the case for some of us. There are some birthmoms who never heal...there are some among us who feel just as much pain 20 or 30 years later as they did the day they signed the relinquishment papers. What would you say to them? What has worked for you?

I cry throughout the month of February, and have every year since I gave up my daughter. Going on 28 years now and still have not dryed it up. It is something I will always regret but still say that it was my most unselfish act of Love. The only thing that helps is that I know she is happy and has had a good life, one that has no room for me in it, all I can do is pray that one day she will want to meet me and get to know me, until then, I cry.

[RavenSong]

Wdbtaylor - First of all, welcome to the forums! I'm glad you've decided to join us. You'll meet many great people from all three sides of the adoption triad here...birthmoms, amoms, and adoptees. We're glad to have you with us.

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain right now. It sounds like you have an anniversary reaction every year around the time your daughter was born. It's a good thing, though, that you can cry. I struggle with that for some reason...I have trouble crying. The tears will spring up, and my throat chokes up, but I can't seem to be able to let the tears flow.

I hope you stick around. Keep posting...there's usually someone hanging around here, no matter what time of day or night. We may not have all the answers, but I promise you we'll listen.

[susieloo]

30 yrs on, 12yrs in reunion I still am grieving. Cant see how i will ever stop...the body has a pretty vivid memory.
Susie

[wdbtaylor]

Thank you, I usually do really well throughout the year, your right, it's the anniversary that gets me, the first 10 years, I drowned myself in drugs. I have 18 years clean and sober. I have gone on to start my own company and now I am a workaholic, which is diffinately better than the drugs. I am also an adoptive parent. I could not have any more children after I let mine go. We adopted my husbands great niece, she has healed my heart in ways I never thought would be possible. She means everything to me and is a great person, she's 17 now and we have had her since she was 5, she is crazy about the Marines and plans on joining this June. But Annie (birthchild) is always in my heart. I found her several years ago and made contact and it did not go well. She knows I'm here and I am still waiting. Again, Thanks for the kind words, they really helped.

[JustPeachy]

wdbtaylor, I hope you can find lots of support here as you go through this month, in particular. I'm sorry you are grieving so and wish I knew of some way or could say something to make it better.

[snow princess]

It's been over 30 years since I lost my son, somedays I think the pain, anger, hurt are stronger than they were 30 years ago - back then I was numb, alcohol and drugs were my friend for the first year, I don't remember much at all about the first 7 or 8 months after he was born, the months just disappeared. No one to talk to about how sad and lonely I was, how much I missed my baby; I felt like he died - I went in the hospital pregnant and came out EMPTY.

I'd stare at babies in strollers wondering if it was my baby, if I saw someone his age in the paper had died, I wondered if it was him.

I wondered if he was happy, was he loved and well cared for, as he got older I wondered if he wondered about me like I wondered about him - I still wonder if he wonders like I do.

I wonder if the hurt will ever go away, if I'll ever be able to forgive those who betrayed me, if the anger will ever go away.

I wonder if I'll ever get to see and hold my son for the first time like I should have been able to do over 30 years ago; AND if I do, will he believe me when I tell him how much I love him or will he ask me if I loved him so much, why did I not keep him with me. How will I tell him that his father walked out, moved, no forwarding address, his father's family wouldnt take calls for him, how my family didnt love me enough to be there for me, how I didnt want to have to live on the streets with my baby because I couldnt afford to support us - How do you tell your child that

[-maggie]

I’ve really been thinking about this thread a lot lately and HOW TO LET GO OF THE PAIN. Something I’ve recently learned is that I just have to face it HEAD ON!

I have to stop hiding from it. I have been silent for so long and burying many issues that TALKING things through has done wonders for me. Believe me, it hasn’t been easy and it has been very painful. It has been a humongous step for me to open up & to trust! But, I need to for me. It is past time….

For me, it helped tremendously to have a good friend listen to me when I was so vulnerable. I couldn't get through this without some help!

Do you think that it is possible to completely let go of it? Will it ever be gone?

I am finding that in facing my issues, more are surfacing. Is there an end? Sometimes I feel as if I am treading water and not getting anywhere! lol

[quantum]

So many new issues came up for me as I started the roller coaster ride of reunion.
I don't know for sure if there is an end! But I guess I feel like I have more of an understanding of myself and that is helping me to deal with things better.

I think you are getting somewhere though! And that's great.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by -maggie

I’ve really been thinking about this thread a lot lately and HOW TO LET GO OF THE PAIN. Something I’ve recently learned is that I just have to face it HEAD ON!

I have to stop hiding from it. I have been silent for so long and burying many issues that TALKING things through has done wonders for me. Believe me, it hasn’t been easy and it has been very painful. It has been a humongous step for me to open up & to trust! But, I need to for me. It is past time….

Maggie, you've answered your own question. The only way we can get to the other side of the pain is to let ourselves feel it first. So many of us, especially from the "closed era," learned to bury our pain and grief deep within ourselves. I know for years that I refused to even acknowlege it, although my loved ones could plainly see the negative effects it was having on me. I didn't start to get better until I admitted to myself that the pain and grief existed, and then let myself feel the emotions. It was very frightening when all the emotions and memories started surfacing.

We all process pain in our own ways, I think. Some of us like to write in journals, do imagery exercises, meditate, read, interact with other birthmoms going through the same thing, post on forums, etc. When I was going through the deepest part of the pain, I threw myself into my painting and my music.

Originally Posted by -maggie

Do you think that it is possible to completely let go of it? Will it ever be gone?

I am finding that in facing my issues, more are surfacing. Is there an end? Sometimes I feel as if I am treading water and not getting anywhere! lol

I've thought about this question for a long time, Maggie. No, I don't think the pain ever totally goes away, not really. But the pain's intensity decreases dramatically, as long as you've taken active steps to deal with it, like talking it out with others who care. For myself, the deep, chronic pain is mostly gone. I still have occasional twinges of pain, usually around my son's birthday or on the anniversary of his father's death.

Sometimes I have to take a break from the forums and all adoption-related issues. This is because sometimes I start feeling a lot of pain just from seeing the pain other people are struggling with. Normally I can handle it, but there have been a couple times I've needed to back off, especially when I find myself becoming short-tempered at home in real life. Pain and anger always get so tangled up for me...

I was talking to a friend earlier today about this subject. And I found myself telling her how for many years following the reunion with my son, the pain pretty much disappeared. For two years before we met (19 years ago next month), I spent a lot of time in therapy, reading books, writing in my journal, attending 12-Step meetings, and going to triad support groups. When we were first developing our relationship, I stayed in counseling for about a year...I was very fortunate to have a good therapist.

The pain came back a couple years ago when my son and I had a major misunderstanding and miscommunication that threatened our relationship. And that's when I joined the forums here. I had to essentially go back in my mind and rework a lot of the issues I had tackled so many years ago. My son and I were able to resolve our conflict, and the pain and anger mostly disappeared once again. But by then, I had made a bunch of friends here on the forum, and I decided to stay on. I like being here for the women who surrendered during the closed era when they finally decide to come out of hiding. I believe that by sharing my experience, strength, and hope with other women, all the pain I've gone through in the past won't be in vain.

[-maggie]

Raven ~ I know exactly what you mean about acknowledgement!!!! For years, I thought I was just fine! Then one day, out of the blue, my daughter contacted me (which was the BEST day of my life!!!! ) and BAM! EVERYTHING just surfaced….. I really had no idea just how much garbage I had to bury just to survive. It was, and still is, very scary. It completely overwhelms me sometimes. Finally acknowledging the pain & anger has allowed me to really deal with it.

I don’t like feeling it…. I really wish there was another way. I get to where I feel like I am drowning and I don’t know which way is up! Does that make sense? I just want the pain to stop, maybe just long enough to catch my breath. That would be nice! It is very tempting sometimes to just stuff it back down and make it all go away....

I was REALLY hoping you’d tell me that SOON, all of the pain would just disappear forever! I guess I can dream!!! LOL It is just so darn frustrating for me that when I finally do have a “break through” and work through one issue, BAM another one surfaces. It seems to be never-ending. Hopefully, someday, I will finally deal with every one of these darn issues!

Raven, I am so glad that you are here….. you are an inspiration to bmoms. I strive to be as strong as you! I can’t tell you how much you have helped me cope!!!! Thank you!