[djvj]

i haven't posted for about 6 months, because of the agony i have felt in my own reunion with 23 year old bdaughter and her parents.

started out beautifully, although in retrospect, i was consumed with managing amom's feelings of insecurity and bdaughter's expectations that everything be happy happy.

i then fell into a pit of depression (still down in there) that is stronger than anything i have ever felt since the birth of my bdaughter.

i'm truly on the verge of suicide. i'm writing on here right now instead, but may check out later tonight (morning) i guess.
im on personally. they found it to difficult to use any of these resources EVEN ONCE. i was expected to host bdaughter and boyfriend in my home, act as chauffer, and not even share a meal during a week visit with no complaints or distress. when i began retreating to my room to hide my hurt and anger bdaughter threw a fit and left when i went out to give her space to calm down. this is 3 months ago, i heard nothing from her until my bday last weekend, when she wrote me a note saying i FAILED HER on her bday and i've done nothing for her.

NOTHING!!!!!

I RUINED MY LIFE, MY BODY, BROKE MY HEART, AND LIVED WITH AN ENDLESS, ACHING HOLE IN MY HEART FOR 23 YEARS. I'VE ENDURED HEARING HOW WOMEN WHO ADOPT ARE HEARTLESS UNFEELING PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN. I'VE CELEBRATED EVERY ONE OF HER BIRTHDAYS ALONE IN TEARS. I'VE BEEN HUMILIATED BY MY OWN BODY SINCE I GAVE BIRTH AT 17. I'VE BEEN LONELY AND SICK SINCE THE DAY SHE WAS BORN.

IF I COULD TAKE IT BACK!!!!!! I'D KEEP HER OR I'D ABORT, BUT NEVER, EVER EVER EVER EVER WOULD I LISTEN TO THE AGENCY BRAINWASHERS WHO TOLD ME IF I LOVED MY BABY I'D SEE I COULDN'T GIVE HER A GOOD LIFE.

WHAT IS MY LIFE WORTH?

APPARENTLY NOTHING. I'VE DONE MY JOB AS A BABY MACHINE, AND AM READY FOR THE TRASH.

IF I COULD CUT OUT MY UTERUS RIGHT NOW, I'D DO IT.

I HATE HER, I HATE MYSELF, I HATE THE AGENCY

I WANT TO DIE

[bromanchik]

PLEASE call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They will route you to your local line. PLEASE do not hurt yourself. Your daughter is acting like a spoiled brat is not reason enough to take your life. Vent away here, please, but do not turn it in on yourself.

[RavenSong]

First of all, DJ, I'm so glad to see you come back to us. I've missed you...

I am so sorry about what's happened in your life these past six months. I was so afraid for you back when you first reunited because your honeymoon period was such an extreme high. And I also sensed that your daughter's mom was pulling the strings. You were so worried about her and how she was handling all this. I was also worried at the time about how desperately you were seeking approval from her, and it worried me a tad how she was treating you as a second daughter more than as the birthmother of your child. It's not surprising to me that this has happened.

Having said that, DJ, I am extremely concerned about your suicidal intent. You've got to know somewhere inside yourself that this is not the answer. If you truly thought suicide was your only option to dealing with the agony you're in right now, I don't think you would have opened up to us this morning.

Are you still in therapy? As I recall, your therapist was doing inner-child work with you, as well as original pain work. Have you spoken with your therapist about feeling suicidal? If not, please pick up the phone and call him/her. Sometimes we get pulled so far underneath the dark waters that we need a helping hand to pull us back up. Sometimes, the depression gets so deep that we cannot take care of ourselves...in times like this, it's okay to let others take control for a while, if you know what I mean.

You are such a talented woman, DJ...you know that. You've done things in your professional life that many people never get the chance to do. Don't waste it...don't waste yourself.

Your daughter seems to have taken unfair advantage of you...a lot of it was because of your professional connections in San Francisco. I understand your anger, and it's okay to feel angry about how you were treated. I fear, however, that you've turned that anger inside yourself...that's where the rage and depression are coming from.

Don't blame yourself, kiddo, and don't let others blame you, either. If they do, then don't listen... You did NOT fail your daughter the day she was born. I, along with many others here, know your story. I know that in your heart of hearts, you placed your daughter for adoption in order that she could be provided with both a mother and a father. I know you surrendered her in a loving manner, with only her best interests at heart. No blame, DJ, no blame...

You are so much more than a baby machine or incubator. It's just hard for you to see that right now. Please, please be good to yourself. Take care of DJ...you owe that much to yourself. Keep posting here. I promise you we're listening...

P.S. I'm sending you my phone numbers via PM, just in case you lost them. Please call me if you'd like to vent. I don't have many of the answers, but I am a good listener. And I want you to hang on...I can't face another birthmom killing herself. I've been to too many funerals...

[lglysson]

djvj,
You are such a valuable person. You have helped so many here. Please let others help you now. You mean so much to us. I am so sorry about how things turned out for you. You are worth so much more than that, you are an honored person in my eyes. Please, hang in there and talk to us, we truly care.
Blessings

[Janeytwo]

((( DJVJ )))

I'm putting your name is caps because you matter, sweetheart.

Please follow Brenda's excellent advice and listen to all of us when we say we care.

Suicide is not an answer to this problem, DJ. It's not a solution.

Keep posting, okay?

God Bless

[JustPeachy]

djvj, it seems like your daughter is/was testing you and when you didn't comply with her wishes, she started acting out. Typical adolescent behaviour, which, nowadays, seems to extend way beyond the teen years, into what people are calling "adultescence." I know it has been difficult for you, and you went from the extreme highs of reunion now into the lows. However, suicide is definitely not the answer. Why are you turning this in on yourself?? You are not/were not just an incubator, please don't dishonor yourself by using such a term to describe yourself. I would echo what the other ladies are saying, in that you need to work through all this in counseling. Reunion is tough enough, I cannot imagine going through it without some kind of professional help. I would also try, hard as it is, to keep expectations on the lower side. I think many birthmoms envision a deep connection and loving relationship with the children we placed for adoption, kind of like having the same bond and connection we felt at birth. For the now grown adoptee, they don't remember us (at least consciously), where we deeply remember them. Right from the start, there is a disconnect of sorts. Give your daughter time, and give yourself time, to sort through your feelings. Issues are coming up for her, too, that she probably has no idea where they are coming from. You shouldn't be expected to do things that cross your boundaries, but remember that nobody can make you do anything you don't want to do. djvj, please try to find some balance in this situation. The extremes (high or low) are not good. Come here and vent, cry, rant, get it out of your system, but don't turn all that anger and pain it in on yourself. It's honestly not worth it and life is too short and you've already been through enough as a birthmom.

[SuddenlySusan]

djvj,

Please do not hurt yourself...you have touched the lives of many here.

We have all suffered so much loss in our lives...I cannot bear the thought of you leaving us as well...

LIFE HAS MEANING...please...don't remove yourself from us in this manner...I don't think I could bear the pain of it...

Please post again...

Love,
Susan

[Rainbow mom]

I know where you are feels so dark and hopeless, but try and think back to a happier time. Life changes and even when things seem dark life is cyclical and will change for you, give it time.

Please call the hotline above or go to a local emergency room. It is an emergency and your life is so important. Call for the people that would miss you, call because you are important.

[zxczxcasdasd]

djvj,

It's good to see you back here. I remember your reunion and I remember being happy that it seemed like there was love and support all around in the beginning. In retrospect, it may have been that you were just determined to love and support everyone, but no one was giving you the same consideration. I think I imagined that the same energy of caring that was so clearly emanating from you, was equally reciprocated. Assuming that was obviously wrong, it was what I wanted to believe (along with you), but I am afraid that I may have been part of you treating yourself like a doormat.

If I EVER made you feel like it was your job to make everyone else happy and tread around everyone else's feelings, I am truly sorry. I am so sorry that you were made to choose between being treated like a service or losing the relationship with your daughter. If I EVER gave the impression that you were supposed to merely accomodate, I am sorry.

Please listen to Brenda and Raven.

[austin0i]

djvj,

I am speaking to you as an adoptee that recently reunited with her mother.

I reunited at age 39. The emotions I experienced when I, for the first time in my life, connected with my natural mother were at times absolutely overwhelming.

I am telling you this because your daughter is a 23 year old YOUNG woman. I would bet the emotional impact of meeting you is making her behave in very immature ways.

I can say this.

She loves you. She has too. It is wired into the fiber of her soul. It is natural.

She loves you.

Take time for yourself. Allow yourself to heal from all that pain. Stay here with all the wonderful people who really understand you. Talk to other adoptees who can really tell you what it feels like. What your daughter may be struggling with and why she may be acting the way she is.

Everything you described about your daughters behavior I can relate to and understand. It is not you. It is the effects of adoption.

It is not you. It is the anger, hurt; pain and loss that come with reunion, but it can be worked through and resolved.

You have value. You deserve happiness. Your daughter will need you, as she grows and matures. You can recover from the pain and be happy again.

Stay here with us.

Kim

[crick]

I really appreciate all of your efforts to recognize the OP is in need of help.

I want to remind everyone that when you do see these posts, it's very important to report it to us so that we can take safety measures and responsibility.

I need to close the thread and please know we are doing what needs to be done for the OP's safety.

Thank you,
Crick