[AlisonMarie]

This is the day I let my baby boy go. It's been 12 years.

I still have such vivid memories. I've had a headache all day today, and I had a dream about him every night for a week. I have such little information on him.

I talked to a friend of mine about her birthmom, as she was adopted. She is 23 and still doesn't know her birthmom. She says she doesn't care, that her parents raised her, and she has no desire to find her birthmom. It hurt a lot, and made me worry that maybe that's how my birthson will feel. I have not received any letters or pictures from the adoptive family, despite being promised these things. The adoption was done privately, so I feel like my only option at this point is to search when he turns 18. But sometimes, I feel like maybe I should stop obsessing about finding him. It doesn't do me any good. I only end up exhausted from staying up late looking for anything I can based on the limited information I have. My psychologist has offered to help me search, or even talk to my parents about information they have. But I am scared too, of bringing it all up with my parents. It has been so hush, hush, and I am afraid of how they will react if they know how much I still think of him. I feel so torn, as some days I honestly feel desperate to find him. Like my whole body hurts, worrying about him, or thinking about him.

I don't know.....I miss him, and wish I knew who he was. I'd love to have a picture to look at when I miss him. I'd love to know his name. This is so hard, and it doesn't get easier. I feel like every year is harder than the next. I am sorry this was all over the place, that's definitely how I feel tonight!

[kakuehl]

Sweetheart, this is a good place to come and share, even when you feel like you are "all over the place." Birthdays are always difficult for most bmoms. I know that mine is a hard day even though I'm in reunion with my bson (of course it's also MY birthday...) I think what you experience is normal.

Adoptees tend to vary alot in their need (or lack of desire) to find their bparents. Some are like your neighbor, others can't wait to look. My bson has told me that had we reunited when he was 18 or even 25 it wouldn't have been a positive experience. As it is, I found him when he was almost 33 and it was at a good time for him. We have a comfortable relationship and I get to know him as an adult and to watch his children gorw up.

I'm not sure what to tell you. D was born in 1972 and I didn't start looking for him seriously until 2006. It wasn't that I didn't miss him, but I believed that while I was open to contact, I shouldn't search for him. I did what I could to make it easy for him to find me (it didn't work) and then tried to live my life as fully as I could since I couldn't do anything else to find him at the time. The hardest was not knowing if he was even alive, but it wasn't something I could change so I tried to give the worry over to got and get on with life. (Having said that, I know it did effect many decisions in my life.)

Hang in there. We will listen!

[djvj]

i see you are in a lot of pain, and i hope this site can help a little.

i was reunited with my 23 yr old bdaughter last summer...she did very much want to meet me. but the reunion itself has been incredibly painful for me for many reasons -- mainly, that she is not my sweet beautiful newborn that i last held but instead a very selfish, opportunistic, demanding young woman who has no interest in forming a real relationship with me. my little lost baby is dead, finally, and it hurts like nothing else except the initial letting go. i feel like i was pressured into my adoption and i believe relinquishment was the biggest mistake in my life, not only for me but for my daughter. but now, as you know, it is too late. i can only hope for acceptance to grow in my heart and cherish the memory of my beautiful lost baby.

there are a million different outcomes of an adoption, and i hope you story will be a happier one than mine. but the pain, the loss, the missing, for me at least, never goes away, even when you reunite with the adult.

[cksmom]

HUGS! You cannot base what your son will want based on what your adoptee friend feels. At 23, I had no desire to search or be found but by the time I was 30 and had my own family and kids, I started to feel differently. I have a friend that couldn't wait to turn 18 to start searching for her bfamily. My point is every adoptee and every bmom is different. Every reunion is different.

More hugs!!

[cetalley]

My darling Alison, I send this with the biggest hug. I will not tell you to not feel sad, for it is impossible to feel anything else. For us Firstmoms, some days just plain ole, SUCK. I would however like to tell you,STOP feeling bad towards the way others( i.e.-your parents),may feel or that " you don't want to hurt their feelings". I also noticed "FEAR" & 'AFRAID' two words that bother me greatly about your post, especially pertaining to your parents. How old are you, if I may ask? Regardless, you are not responsible for their feelings in this situation. You can only be responsible for you own feelings. They(parents) are never going to understand, because unless they, themselves, have relinquished a child, it is not something one ever gets over...or forgets, and goes on! You need to take care of yourself, and allow yourself to have these feelings. But you can only have them for a little while. You will need to continue therapy,so you can be as healthy as you possibly can. In relinquishing we are given a chance to become someone we ourselves can be proud of, to learn from our mistakes and turn them into lessons. For 1 day ,the day will come to meet your child again, in doing so you will want that child to know all you have learned...from that time along time ago, when you were not able to parent him . I allow myself to be sad on the day I gave birth to my twins...but only for a while, then I remember that day was indeed one of the best days of my life....then I allow myself some chocolate,if for no other reason than to have an excuse to eat chocolate. Seriously, sweetheart, do what your heart seeks, you are not in any way, shape, or form, responsible for what your parents will feel or think. It is time to be HONEST with them on how YOU feel, so you can be a h healthier you! Happy 12th Birthday to you and your son! C.J.

[KellyeTheRabbit]

One of my closest friends was adopted as a baby, which she never told me until she found out I was pregnant and considering relinquishment.

She told me that she had always wanted to get to know her birthmom, but never had the courage til she was older, (24 now) even though her adoptive parents encouraged her.

the funny thing is, she can question me incessantly when it comes to my daughter and her placement; I think she wants the insight of someone who would 'give a child up' as a newborn. I think it gives her some comfort to know that unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone, and most people who choose the route of adoption (these days, more than 20-30 yrs ago) generally do it for the well-being of the child, and not out of any desire to be free of obligation. *that came out wrong. I meant that 20-30 years ago, women were often forced into adoption, as the laws that are now in place for protection didn't exist*

Anyway, I just think it's interesting the viewpoints of different parties involved, and especially how age and maturity impact those opinions.

I honestly cannot say at this point whether or not I would want contact with my daughter as an adult. I would love to be able to say that I want to meet her instantly the second she turns 18, but in my heart I know that as a fantasy.

the reality of such a meeting may not turn out to be anything like I want it to be, and I'm not sure about the pain of seeing a grown woman in place of the tiny newborn I lost so long before.

I don't know if that sounds cold. In 18 years, my opinion may be vastly different.

I guess my point is, people change. Every second of every day we learn and grow to become something that we may never well have imagined. And the day may come when you do meet your son as an adult, and no matter the worries you have now, it almost certainly will be nothing like you imagined.