[second.chance]

Hello everyone,

I am hoping this will be a place where I can find support from someone who understands what is going on.

I am 19 soon to be 20 and I am pregant, I am really really happy about this baby well I was..... when I was 16 I got pregant and I hadn't finished school and I never had a job and I was a very rebelous teen, and now i can see I was very inmature. I got pregant at a party I was taken advantage of however I do know I am the only one I can blame for that because I shouldn't have been there and I was extremly intoxicated and far far too young to be drinking, and I didn't know my limits witch I should have. however at the time I only felt violated that the whole thing was not a falet of my own and worst of all that feeling that way I would never love my baby, I also knew I could not support it and I would have to give up alot and still the baby would have a horrable childhood fatherless and with a mother who was living from paycheck to paycheck that is if I could get a job. so I decided I would give her up and that is what I did, in the time past I have learned very painfully how foolish I was and how I already love the baby having only held her once andI do feel like she is a huge missing peice to my life.

back to the present: I am currently in a lot better place then I was I have finished school I have a steady job and I am with someone I love dearly and I am pregant again I did not mean to get pregant but after learning I was pregant at first I was over joyed ( witch made me feel guilty in a way becasue my boyfriend was really really scared he has come around though.) I thought that all the feeling for my first child would go away that this baby would fill that big empty space in my life but it hasnt and it is growing more and more clear it isnt going to. I am missing the baby more everyday and wishing I wasn't pregant becasue being pregant seems to be making everything harder I feel like all the pain I went through last time is completely worthless and that I am just going to mess this poor childs life up and that I dont have the right to be a mother that I gave up my chance and that now I am not going to be able to see this baby in the same way becasue everytime I look at it it will remind me of all the pain. and I feel awful everytime the baby moves becasue I honestly wish it wasn't there and I know that is awful but I just can not seem to get past the feeling and I feel like my boyfriend is now stuck dating me becasue I am pregant and I am stuck with him becasue I am pregant ( again I am happy with him but I feel stuck now and I feel guilty that he might feel stuck ) I just feel like i have messed everything up now. and I have no idea what to do with myself and I feel completely alone has anyone every felt this way has anyone ever had a child after giving one up is this normal or am I really just an awful person?

[quantum]

You are NOT an awful person.
It's not unusual to feel guilty when pregnant again, I think things will change once you have your new baby. That's not to say you won't feel pangs sometimes(perhaps), but your life will also be filled with taking care of your new little one. And THAT is what you should focus on!
Remember too that your body is going through a lot of changes right now and that hormones can make you feel crazy! I know that I went through many panic moments through both of my pregnancies after relinquishment of not feeling worthy of being a parent and so on.
You'll be fine!

I also waited 18 years before I had the first child that I'm raising! Long time.

You're not alone!!

[Janeytwo]

Hey there Second.Chance!

Everything Quantum said is so true! It is hard to become a mom again after relinquishing - so many feelings come up for us. And she's right too about the hormones. Pregnancy messes up the body in that way - I can remember crying at the drop of a hat. It was awful!! And you know this may sound terrible, but even though I enjoyed having a baby - I hated being pregnant. Especially with my youngest because I was sick the entire first two trimesters. Anyhoo...

I thought that all the feeling for my first child would go away that this baby would fill that big empty space in my life but it hasnt and it is growing more and more clear it isnt going to. I am missing the baby more everyday and wishing I wasn't pregant becasue being pregant seems to be making everything harder

It sounds as if you did what a lot of us did in here, just sort of tucked your head down after relinquishment and got on with your life. That doesn't make you a bad person by the way; it just means you're a survivor. Now though, you're pregnant again and it's bringing up your memories of your daughter. That is perfectly understandable, IMO and I would venture to bet that it's perfectly natural as well. And you know it is okay to miss your first baby - she is a huge part of your life whether she's with you or not.

...... that I am just going to mess this poor childs life up and that I dont have the right to be a mother that I gave up my chance and that now I am not going to be able to see this baby in the same way becasue everytime I look at it it will remind me of all the pain.

You have every right to be a mom, sweetie (in my opinion at least). I was the same way when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. My eldest was almost 19 and I had relinquished 2 children besides. So, on the one hand, I was terrified that after only raising one child for all those years that I wouldn't be able to love the new baby. And I believed that a person like me didn't have the right to be a parent because of my son and daughter. But you know what? It all turned out okay. The second my daughter was born; the moment I saw her face, all that fear washed away. I loved her just as unconditionally as my other children.

Of course the other thing of feeling unworthy? That took another 12 years to address because the power of my grief was so huge that I ran from it.

Anyway, keep posting in here if you can and take care of yourself.

Much hugs your way!



back to the present: I am currently in a lot better place then I was I have finished school I have a steady job and I am with someone I love dearly and I am pregant again I did not mean to get pregant but after learning I was pregant at first I was over joyed ( witch made me feel guilty in a way becasue my boyfriend was really really scared he has come around though.) I thought that all the feeling for my first child would go away that this baby would fill that big empty space in my life but it hasnt and it is growing more and more clear it isnt going to. I am missing the baby more everyday and wishing I wasn't pregant becasue being pregant seems to be making everything harder I feel like all the pain I went through last time is completely worthless and that I am just going to mess this poor childs life up and that I dont have the right to be a mother that I gave up my chance and that now I am not going to be able to see this baby in the same way becasue everytime I look at it it will remind me of all the pain. and I feel awful everytime the baby moves becasue I honestly wish it wasn't there and I know that is awful but I just can not seem to get past the feeling and I feel like my boyfriend is now stuck dating me becasue I am pregant and I am stuck with him becasue I am pregant ( again I am happy with him but I feel stuck now and I feel guilty that he might feel stuck ) I just feel like i have messed everything up now. and I have no idea what to do with myself and I feel completely alone has anyone every felt this way has anyone ever had a child after giving one up is this normal or am I really just an awful person?[/quote]

[AlisonMarie]

Have I felt this way?? Ohhh yes!

I placed my son when I was 15 years old, and got pregnant again at 20. I ended up panicking and having an abortion the second time because I was scared to death my parents would force me to place another child for adoption, and I couldn't live with that. Instead, I let them force me into an abortion.

I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 21, and finally decided to stand up for myself and be a parent. I was with her father, but I guess I felt like you. That I was trapping him, and broke up with him and let him live his life. During my pregnancy, I was very depressed at times. I did feel extremely lucky, as I feared I would never get to be a mom because of my past choices. My problem was, I never dealt with my feelings regarding the baby I gave up. And like you, I realized having another baby wouldn't make me miss my first any less.

I ended up going into counseling a year before I became pregnant with my daughter. I found a great counselor who specialized in adoption related issues, and she really helped me feel normal for my feelings. It helped me cope through my pregnancy, which I went through alone and very scared.

And like others said, once you see your baby, all the uncertainties will be washed away. And those awful pregnancy hormones go away too! I now see my life as a mom to my daughter seperate from the pain of placing my son for adoption. And the choice I made then is NO reflection on the kind of parent I am.

[djvj]

i don't know about you, but a lot of us birthmothers had the idea that we are not fit to be parents DRUMMED into our heads over and over by adoption agency councilors so that they could get their bank accounts on our children. flash forward - i read a study where something like 32% of all birthmothers never have another child -- way out of proportion to women who had never relinquished. we carry that sense of unworthiness with us the rest of our lives, and the younger we were when it happened the more impact it had on us forming our self identities and self esteem. i've worked a lot on this issue in therapy, and it's been helpful to me. now i'm kind of angry and feel like i especially deserve a baby of my own!

i believe you can grow with self awareness, and that this can be a second chance for you to see that you are in fact deserving to parent your own children. that doesn't mean that your concerns are not valid, but they offer you a chance to be prepared in advance for the scary parts.

i wish you the best of luck

[geogdeb]

Second Chance,

I agree with what others have written here. Give yourself and your baby a chance. Remember that the pregnancy is temporary and your hormones make you feel all kinds of crazy things. When your baby comes you will be able to separate he/she from your relationship (good or bad). Just try and be the best mom you can be now. Plan for this baby like you are going to parent. Get help and support - it is out there. Wait to make any other decision until you give birth and give parenting a try. I wish someone had given me this advice. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Deb

[lglysson]

djvj-Wow, you're back. We would love an update on your daughter!

[CJaneG]

DJ.

Your daughter is very young, and she is behaving even younger than her years. She, too, has all kinds of emotional baggage and she is turning all the anger on you. Yes, there is anger. I felt some anger toward my bmother when I was that age, but not for too long. I came to realize my problems were not her responsibility to fix. But she is blaming you, and you are all too ready to accept the blame.

Don't let her do this to you. She does not have the right to make your life a misery to you. You made the best decision you could at the time with the knowledge available to you. You have had years to second guess your decision, but hindsight is easy to come by. At the time, you did the best you could. NO ONE CAN ASK FOR MORE THAN THAT. She had a good life but was probably pretty spoiled by her parents. She has had little reason to put others first and now is no different. She wants things how she wants them and if you don't give her what she wants she will do her best to make you feel like hell.

Is it working? I'd say yes. Are you going to let her tantrum do this to you? Do you believe she has the right to keep you miserable? I hope not.

Do take care.
Jane

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by second.chance

Hello everyone,

I am hoping this will be a place where I can find support from someone who understands what is going on.

I am 19 soon to be 20 and I am pregant, I am really really happy about this baby well I was..... when I was 16 I got pregant and I hadn't finished school and I never had a job and I was a very rebelous teen, and now i can see I was very inmature. I got pregant at a party I was taken advantage of however I do know I am the only one I can blame for that because I shouldn't have been there and I was extremly intoxicated and far far too young to be drinking, and I didn't know my limits witch I should have. however at the time I only felt violated that the whole thing was not a falet of my own and worst of all that feeling that way I would never love my baby, I also knew I could not support it and I would have to give up alot and still the baby would have a horrable childhood fatherless and with a mother who was living from paycheck to paycheck that is if I could get a job. so I decided I would give her up and that is what I did, in the time past I have learned very painfully how foolish I was and how I already love the baby having only held her once andI do feel like she is a huge missing peice to my life.

back to the present: I am currently in a lot better place then I was I have finished school I have a steady job and I am with someone I love dearly and I am pregant again I did not mean to get pregant but after learning I was pregant at first I was over joyed ( witch made me feel guilty in a way becasue my boyfriend was really really scared he has come around though.) I thought that all the feeling for my first child would go away that this baby would fill that big empty space in my life but it hasnt and it is growing more and more clear it isnt going to. I am missing the baby more everyday and wishing I wasn't pregant becasue being pregant seems to be making everything harder I feel like all the pain I went through last time is completely worthless and that I am just going to mess this poor childs life up and that I dont have the right to be a mother that I gave up my chance and that now I am not going to be able to see this baby in the same way becasue everytime I look at it it will remind me of all the pain. and I feel awful everytime the baby moves becasue I honestly wish it wasn't there and I know that is awful but I just can not seem to get past the feeling and I feel like my boyfriend is now stuck dating me becasue I am pregant and I am stuck with him becasue I am pregant ( again I am happy with him but I feel stuck now and I feel guilty that he might feel stuck ) I just feel like i have messed everything up now. and I have no idea what to do with myself and I feel completely alone has anyone every felt this way has anyone ever had a child after giving one up is this normal or am I really just an awful person?

Second Chance, I so wish I could guarantee, you will not think about your 1st child when this blessed gift is litterally dropped into your lap....alas I cannot. However, as example, when something in our hearts(baring a child) is GIFTED to us, we are full of many emotions,( fear, anticipation, love, overwhelming anxiety) just to name a few. Example, when you met your current love of your life...did this current love become one-in-the-same as the love you had when you were 16? I am going to guess...your instant answer was ...NO! Of course he is so much more, IN a very different way...in your heart,and on many DIFFERENT levels. The reason(IMHO), is because as we age we also change/grow, for it is inevitable to not do so. Your 1st child, in your heart, will always be your baby you relinquished, with the exception YOU have now grown. I am like so many women, whom relinquished, after relinquishing my twin sons, I CHOSE to NEVER have another child. I thought in my mind, if I could be "so cold hearted" to give away not 1, but 2 babies, gifted to only a few, BEFORE INVITRO was so popular, then what KIND of person would I be if I had another baby?????? I wanted nothing more than to KEEP my sons, was not allowed to, for many reasons! I also would not have had another child, simply because the father to the twins, was NEVER going to be natural father material, full of love and able to care for anyone but himself. Still to this day is not! However I met a man(promising myself there would never be another), that I fell madly in love with, and wished nothing more than to have had a child with. Since I had a tubal, this was not to be. Yes I checked into reversal, and got the go ahead, but my husband was stricken with prostate cancer(very aggressive), my world once again told me GOD did not want me to be a mother again! Never once did I compare my love for my husband...to the love of the twins father..one cannot do so. The same goes for a child. I do have a wonderful son, whom is 6 yrs older than the twins, and there is/WAS no comparison. You are feeling what is normal, for ANY woman..HORMONES are two-fold..they give us the instinct to feel protective and to nurture this child inside the womb, yet also make us grouchy, sobbing, fearful, emotional messes. You will never feel the same for any children you are BLESSED to carry...never! If, after my long rant/analogy...I may suggest just 1 thing...Please do away with the negative thoughts and feelings, for the child inside you now, WILL pick up onall those feelings. Your baby inside is being fed by you, not only through an umbilical cord, but also through reading, writing, music, emotions, and yes even talking to that child each time you get a chance...this is why the child is so BONDED to you, when giving birth. So be good to your baby... allow yourself to grieve the child you relinquished, while also celebrating and loving the child that grows within. You will NEVER forget your first child nor would you want to. Live healthy, love your significant other, and surround yourself with books,music and only the best of friend, in return you will be gifting these same attributes to the child you are now falling in love with...Blessings...C.J.