[Rylee45]

You know all the stuff that my daughter has told me recently? Well, here's the newest in the line of whatever it is she's doing.

She told me she's going blind. She said it has to do with diabetes and that she probably will not be able to contact me again in the future when it happens. She told me most likely no one would help her contact me when she goes blind and that she didn't want me to think it was her not wanting to contact me.

I just feel she's making excuses and planning on breaking the contact and wants it to be a ligitimate reason to break contact where I would just leave her alone. Being blind would sure do that.

Not that I wouldn't try but I'd never know if she got my mail or what was going on with her becuase no one would care to let me know what was going on if something bad did.

I just don't know why she is like this. I'm pretty sure she's NOT going blind. But who knows, maybe she is. I just don't trust her to tell me the truth about anything. I just don't get it.

Rylee

[quantum]

Rylee, something just smells funny here.
I'm so sorry she's like this!

((((Rylee))))

[bnfjw0249]

I may be sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong, but I would like to offer a little insight from a male perspective. You know, Men are From Mars, Women Venus. I don't have any thing like a solution, just some food for thought.

First, I'd go further than saying it doesn't smell well. I'm a disability advocate with the federal government and am well aware of the impact of blindness. I work with blind people every day. Being blind doesn't stop someone from using a telephone or learning how to use a computer. My friend Tracy is totally blind, uses an assist dog, and is a computer specialist.

When I broke my right knee I didn't stop attending events or living, I modified what and how I did things. 18 months ago it was replace and I've worked very hard to get my life back. I didn't give up because I was in a wheelchair. Instead I fought and now I am well on the road to healthy. I love the fact that my wife can't keep up with me when we go to the gym.

At best she's depressed and doesn't see a future for herself. The reason I call this at best is that you can do some research for her area and provide her on information of where to get advice and support. You can support her emotionally with learning how to adjust to her new life without sight. You can be there for her in ways neither of you ever imagined. You will have to take the first step and you will have to measure how and how much communication at any given time. You really need to keep HER in mind, not yourself.

At worst, it's an excuse. Something else has happened and you will need to do some serious soul searching. She'll have to do the same. First find the cause of her displeasure. Determine whether or not you can address this with her directly or if you need professional help to get through it.

She may be mixed up and feeling she doesn't want to burden you (pleaser) and feels the best thing to do is just cut the ties. On the other hand, she may be blaming everything on everyone else and rebelling about the blindness, which results from the diabetes, which (contrary to her mindset) she could control by changing her habits.

With adopted children there are issues throughout their entire lives. Some rebel until they die and others sacrifice everything to keep from being thrown away again. Both cases are unhealthy. The ideal, well adjusted child is the perfect middle ground. I know how much I try to help my daughter maintain that balance in her life. As the mom, you still need to help her with that unless you have some of the same issues, then you will both need to get help from a third party.

No, there are no solutions her, only an attempt to help you look at things from all sides. In any situation, you should always look at the situation in every possible way before you take action. I can be very emotional and very protective. Needless to say, that could get me in serious trouble if I retaliated to every situation based on my initial reaction. Instead, I've learned to step back and look at the situation more clearly. That always gives me the ability to have a smarter solution.

[sstuart]

(((RYLEE)))
I have read much of your story, but not all. So bear with me please. I am a diabetes educator. I have blind patients quite often. Did she not tell you that she was pregnant? Or am I wrong. If she has retinopathy that is rapidly progressing that means that her blood glucose is out of control and that she will most likely miscarry if she is pregnant.
Also as BNF said, being blind does not make you unable to communicate. I have multiple blind patients that email me their blood glucose. Also they call me often themselves. And if she gives the excuse that they have been blind longer--that is not true. Most of my blind patients were sighted most of their life.
My MIL lives with a blind man--now he was blind from a child--but he worked and lived alone most of his adult life. So what my response to her would be is--I am so sorry for you---lets call around where you live and start to get you hooked up with resources. If she claims money is an issue--there is help out there. Well maybe your first response would be---You need to work with your MD to get those blood sugars under control. And yes it can be done. I have seen it done every day!
I am sorry that she is the way she is--unfortunately it does not make it easy for you with all that is going on! I hope that your headaches are better and your mom is better.

[shadow riderer]

Rylee, first, I want you to know how sorry I am that your D is doing this to you. I've followed your story over the years, and my heart goes out to you. You may already know that I am a little blunt, so what I'm about to say probably will not surprise you.

As a totally blind adoptee, I have to say that telling you she will not be able to contact you if she loses her sight, is the biggest load of horse hockey I have heard on this board in a long time. AS a totally blind adoptee, I can call, and email anyone I so choose with very little difficulty at all. Even if it is true that she is losing her sight and she is just feeling sorry for herself, in the opinion of a blind person, that so unfair to you to tell you she can't contact you, and again, a line of pure 100% crap.

I know that I'm not being very compassionate towards her possible loss of sight, but this stunt really ticked me off. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Tell her, for me, that if such a thing does happen, I will be more than happy to talk to her, help her adjust, relearn to dial a phone, use a computer, email, and pretty much anything else she might want to know about adjusting to blindness. I lost my sight about 10 years ago, and I did it. I work. I cook, though rarely. I still ride horses. I play a musical instrument. I read books through books on tape. I do my own hair, shave my legs, dress myself, balance my checkbook, and most any other thing sighted people do. I just do things in a different way. However, I do hit an occasional snag of bumping into things every now and then. I occasionally make big messes. Sometimes, I just totally screw up because I can't see. It aint always easy, but like reunion, it's very doable. It's certainly not the end of the world.

Don't let her use this to hurt you. If I can do it, anyone can. I hope I haven't said anything that might cause you more pain. It is not my intention, but geez, she really ticked me off this time too. Blindness is no excuse for this. You deserve so much better than what she is giving you. If I can help in any way, please feel free to PM me.

Big hugs to you, and again, I hope I'm not out of line. This just really makes me angry. You deserve so much better.

[kakuehl]

Rylee... All I can say is hang in there and wait for the truth to come out!

[sstuart]

Shadow rider
Thanks for your post I knew that there was someone on this forum that is blind and I was hoping that you would read this. I couldn't remember your name.
I do not think that you were that offensive and I hope Rylee doesn't either.

[JustPeachy]

Has your daughter ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder? I think that's more her issue than anything else.

I would try to detach as best I could from the drama and mindgames, and possibly re-evaluate if you want a relationship at all.

[lahdh4]

Rylee, (((HUGS)))
it seems she is just trying to find a way to get out of a relationship with you and this is how she is going about it. Doesn't smell right with me at all.
Oh and shadow rider, I didn't find it offensive at all. Just stating it like it is. Nothing wrong with that.

[Rylee45]

I just read the posts to this thread and I wanted to let you know I do appreciate it very much. I don't have time to comment about much right now. I've got to go to the hospital to be with my mom this morning.

I'll comment when I get home this evening. I just didn't want the length of time before I do post to make anyone feel I was offended and not coming in here. Just got so much to do today and sometimes it's days without being able to come in here because of how busy or whatever else is going on in life here.

By the way, my mom comes home next week. I'm just really hoping this works out and I don't have to put her in a nursing home. I'm really scared of that.

I'll get back later this afternoon/evening to respond to some of the things said. And BTW, none of what anyone said was offensive. I appreicated the comments.

Rylee

[Rylee45]

What was said about blindness and my daughter having the ability to learn to read, and use a computer and all that stuff. I absolutely believe it's possible to learn that stuff and she could.

The problem? Her adoptive mom wanting to keep her tied down and unable to be normal or without disabilities that make her dependant on her (the adoptive mom).

For the many years I've known my daughter her adoptive mom has done everything she can to make my daughter disabled and dependant.

When my daughter lived with us years ago and I was helping her to learn to be more independant and relying on herself, her adoptive mom couldn't stand it. She felt I was wrong and caused a LOT of grief for me over it.

I didn't see anything wrong with making my daughter responsible for herself and learning things to make her life better for herself and independant. However, her adoptive mom knew if my daughter was independant her control over my daughter would be lost.

This woman emotionally cripled my daughter so she could keep her prisoner under her thumb.

My daughter's husband is abusive and also controling to a point she'll do whatever he says. If it isn't her adoptive mom it's her (my daughter's) husband. He's threatened to leave her and take their kids with him if she doesn't do what he tells her to do.

He and the adoptive mom are pretty much completely controling my daughter. This isn't from her words alone telling me this, it's from my personal experience with all of them and seeing this for myself when my daughter lived here.

So, I doubt they'd help her get the help she wanted in learning to take care of her needs in communicating with me. They don't want her to have any freedom and neither of them want her to be in contact with me. She does it on the sly when they aren't around. WHEN she actually contacts me that is.

She did say she was pregnant recently but as I was saying, I don't even comment on that or acknowledge it yet. I don't know if I ever will or not.

Rylee

[bnfjw0249]

Are you sure you're not talking about my daughter? At least where the husband is concerned. When I first met my (to be) adopted daughter, she gave the illusion of being happy with life and very stable. Over time many details were divulged and she shared that she had been abandoned almost at birth, but the birthmom kept checking in with the system which kept her in the system for five years. She was adopted at age 5 by a wonderful family. The family included two grown (also adopted) children and her bio brother (adopted with her). Six weeks after her father's death she married someone she thought would take care of her. He quickly found that her need to feel wanted and loved could be used to control her simply by ignoring her (bringing back the feeling of being thrown away). Over the next 20 years he used and expanded his control to included convincing her to never put their children in child care, which jeopardized her career and income potential.

At one point he threatened to leave her and the children in a location where they she knew no one if she didn't "belly up" to her sexual responsibilities. This was while she was a full time mother of multiple children, caring for a dying dog, and working two jobs.

He finally went too far when he arranged for one of his friends to abuse her so he could watch. God found fit to put me in her life at this time. I have some serious voids in my life which include my own daughter been stolen 40 years ago. My need to be a father and her need for a father (someone that just loves her and expect nothing in return) have been a perfect match.

By having someone to lean on that would not judge her and would not abandon her, she has found the strength to file for divorce. Her sudden ability to stand up for herself has left him defenseless. He continues to attempt to manipulate her, including capitalizing on those areas where she is ignorant, but she has found a wonderful support network through work and myself. Just one example is him coming up with a budget and saying they couldn't get divorced until they made enough money to get divorced. She found that the reality is that you have to take the money that's available and figure out how to live with it. By relying on her network, she has been able to take control of her own life by weighing the different advice (realizing there really isn't a single answer to most situations).

She has found there are knowledgeable people that respect her and care about her and will be there for her in spite of anything. She has found that her abusive husband IS the problem, not the solution. She knows it will be hard, but she also knows that she is a beautiful, lovable woman that deserves someone that understands and respects her. There's been a lot of lost sleep. There's been a lot of quickly changed schedules. There have been a few late night calls.

One of the most disturbing moments for me is how many guys have started to hit on her as soon as they found out she's getting divorced. Since they are just telling the children this weekend, it's really premature to have guys start asking for dates. She also needs to get herself set up for her new life, she will definitely have no problem with being asked out, her problem will be not falling into some of the same traps.

Until your daughter realizes how much she's given up and what the impact is, there isn't much you can do for her unless you can prove illegal actions by those controlling her. She has to realize her own need to escape. I wish I could give you better news, but as an adult, she has to take some action on her own, and there's no simple way of just making her life easier.

[bnfjw0249]

Shadow Riderer, you give excellent advice. Some of us work best with baby steps, while othes need to stomp down evil. I'm a stomper myself and understand where you're coming from.

[JustPeachy]

Rylee, unless and until your daughter is willing and able to make some changes to NOT be controlled by others, I'm afraid you won't make much headway with her. She is an adult now, and no matter what was done to her in the past, and what is continuing to be done to her, she is in control of her life and destiny. Until she is able to face this, it will continue to play out this way. The question is, how much of it can you continue to take? You can try to be there for her to the best of your ability, but having any other expectations of the kind of relationship that you would like to have with her will probably only lead to further disappointment. I'm sorry you are going through this, and that she is also dealing with some pretty crappy stuff.

[shadow riderer]

Thanks everyone for your support...sometimes I, uhm, stomp a little more than I probably should.
Rylee, when I reunited with my Bdad, I found a guy, who was in a very disfunctional and abusive, marriage. His wife seemed to control everything he thought and did, not to mention, all the problems she caused. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to finally understand that he stayed in this sick relationship because of some need...because he wanted to. He wanted/needed this relationship (marriage), disfunction and all, so badly that he was willing to risk and throw away everything else in his life. Since our reunion, I have watched as she has destroyed his social relationships, all family relationships, and is working now on his business relationships. It was excrutiatingly painful to face the fact that there was nothing I could do to help him or save him. He has to save and help himself. I'm not comparing our situations, because they are not the same. I just want you to know I sympathize with you. I know how difficult it is to sit back and watch such a thing and keep getting shut out. I wish I had some sage advice that would make you feel better. Lord knows you have enough to deal with. I just want you to know I care. I'll keep you in my prayers.