[julie23]

22 years ago i climbed into a cage..... a lock was clamped onto the door of it.... and i began to live a life of imprisonment.

parts of me died in that cage. parts of me stopped growing.... stopped evolving...

and i lived within the bars.... never free.

every day i built my nest in that cage..... striving to make a "good life" for myself.... whatever image of that i had in my brain...

i lived with the belief that good mothers sacrifice... everything. truly good mothers sacrifice their very soul for the benefit of the child.... and i believed that to the core of my being....

i lived with the shadow of the bars that restrained me... grief. pain. deep woundedness.

i lived with shame.

i worked hard to build my perfect nest... to create this perfect world inside that cage...

and yet... i never knew i was in a cage.

i never knew i was trapped....

i did not understand my cage. i did not understand the things that drove me to build this perfect nest in this cage.....

i did not understand the cage of relinquishing...

yet my nest... my whole life was in the center of this cage... my whole being....

and somehow, i did not even know who i was.... somehow, i recreated myself to live within the confines of this cage.... to be the good mother.... the good person... the "right" person....

this image in my head... i was determined to be her....

but, who is she?

how can one be authentic and true when they live in such a crippling cage?

how can one be free, when they do not even know that they are trapped?

i find it strange that in the shattered pieces of my failed reunion the door of that cage has sprung open....

it flew open wide...

and i have been able to climb out... to see the world anew... to see myself anew... free of the cage....

to be free.... to see color again....

to be present to those that i love....

to be free of pain.

can you even imagine living a life that doesn't hurt? when hurting has been as constant as breathing for 22 years?

i am free.

i don't hurt anymore.... i no longer grieve....

and i am rediscovering myself.... and who i am... and figuring out where i want to go.... and what i want to be ...

free from shame...

free from pain....

i am flying.... i am not trapped anymore....

and i feel new....

[Jackiejdajda]

Oh Julie I am so glad I took the time to search the threads this morning..
What a wonderful post..

We do cage ourselves in.. stay in the place of blame.. and not do the authentic grief work necessary..
I was with you for some of that journey.. and for that I am grateful..
No one should tell another what to do.. in that cage.. especially when they do not understand the workings of a cage..

Make light of it.. want a person to change their ways do for them.. understand them..

I fight like a mother cat when this happens..

God bless..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Dear Julie

I am so very glad for you that you are awakening from the long darkness of surrender. It is quite a thing even to be able to recognize that we were "caged" to begin with.

Here's to you Julie!!!! May you continue to flourish, secure in the knowledge that you are worthy in the eyes of yourself and others!!!

I can walk down the street, there's no one there
Though the pavements are one huge crowd.
I can drive down the road; my eyes don't see,
Though my mind wants to cry out loud.

I feel free, I feel free, I feel free.


Cream

[julie23]

jackie... i think you have been with me for MOST of my healing journey.... !!

yes.... janey. i do feel free.... it is not without some sadness... of course. it is not the same as if relinquishment never happened.... but relinquishment is no longer holding me hostage.

on april 19, 1986... my life changed. i changed. my future changed...

the loss of the baby was the visible part.... the physical loss....

the great sacrifice.

the cost was much higher than i ever anticipated... i discovered that this self-sacrificing act... was the equivalent of dying.

the cost of relinquishing.... does it cost us all this much? is the price this high for all of us?

the cost....

i am not speaking from self-pity.... or lack of concern for what is best for the baby.... simply pondering on the cost to the mother... the price i paid for relinquishing....

i lost my baby. forever.

i lost my first daughter.... forever.

i lost a piece of me... forever.

i lost my authentic self... whoever that was... whoever i was meant to become.

i probably almost lost my life.... self-destruction... at it's finest.

i lost my dignity.

i lost my confidence.

i lost any faith i had in people to do what they said they would do.... trust.

any shred of trust i had in humanity disappeared with my daughter....

i lived in constant grief, pain and woundedness.

i lived in shame and humiliation.

my image of "mother" became distorted.... based on the false belief that a "good mother" sacrifices everything for her children...

i did not know how to love or respect myself...

i lost the ability to believe that i deserved any happiness in life.... and any happiness that came way i called a "miracle"... God's mercy.....

i became a shell of a human being living in a cage.

and all of this was hidden... deep inside... where even I couldn't articulate it.... even i didn't understand....

a cage i could not see... or touch.... yet, the bars imprisoned me.... as surely as if they were steel.

j

[SunMoonCindy]

Originally Posted by julie23

jackie...

the cost was much higher than i ever anticipated... i discovered that this self-sacrificing act... was the equivalent of dying.

the cost of relinquishing.... does it cost us all this much? is the price this high for all of us?



i lost my baby. forever.

i lost my first daughter.... forever.

i lost a piece of me... forever.

i lost my authentic self... whoever that was... whoever i was meant to become.

i probably almost lost my life.... self-destruction... at it's finest.

i lost my dignity.

i lost my confidence.

i lost any faith i had in people to do what they said they would do.... trust.

any shred of trust i had in humanity disappeared with my daughter....

i lived in constant grief, pain and woundedness.

i lived in shame and humiliation.

my image of "mother" became distorted.... based on the false belief that a "good mother" sacrifices everything for her children...

i did not know how to love or respect myself...

i lost the ability to believe that i deserved any happiness in life.... and any happiness that came way i called a "miracle"... God's mercy.....

i became a shell of a human being living in a cage.

and all of this was hidden... deep inside... where even I couldn't articulate it.... even i didn't understand....

a cage i could not see... or touch.... yet, the bars imprisoned me.... as surely as if they were steel.

j

that so resonates w/ me 2. Though our stories r probably very different the loss & personal death r the same!!
I just pray 4 the chance 2 some day reconnect w/ my first child/daughter....

[SuddenlySusan]

...aah, the cage...so many of us seem to find ourselves there, unable to spread our wings...trapped...and we don't even know it...

...until the day of reckoning, when we acknowledge our loss, and grieve...

...and walk through the fire, again...but this time breaking through the veil of silence...

Best wishes on your journey, Julie...
Hugs,
Susan

[Jennasmom1990]

JUlie...
Long time no talk we must touch base soon.

Anyway, as I was reading your last post on this thread where you were talking about the personal cost of relinqushment I had a horrible mastercard commercial run through my head it went something like this...

finding out your an about to become an unwed mother = a hundred tears

making the choice to place your chld up for adoption = a million tears

saying goodbye to your baby after you have signed the papers = a billion tears

not knowing the lifelong pain that you will carry with you after that goodbye = a lifetime of tears

and for the adoptive parents that just had their dreams fulfilled but don't know your pain = priceless

[RavenSong]

Casandra, it's good to see you posting again. Your "MasterCard" scenario is bittersweet...thanks for sharing it with us.

Julie, thank you for sharing about "the cage" so many of us fiind ourselves in after relinquishment. And thank you for reminding us that we don't have to stay cooped up in that cage forever.

Does this journey ever end? I don't think so...it just seems to take different twists and turns. Lately I've felt a sense of acceptance, of peace with that decision made so long ago. It is what it is...

[julie23]

hello cas..... yes... we must reconnect!!

yes... there is as cost. and we pay a high price....

but for me, i guess.... i've decided that i am done paying... i have paid in full.... i am no longer in debt...

and as an adoptive mother.... yes, my daughter is priceless.... she is my fourth little everything.... she completes our family.... but of course, i am deeply familiar with the price her mother is paying....

i wish i were better with words... i wish i could explain better this amazing healing that has occurred in my life... i wish i could write out directions for other birthmothers... but of course, that could never be.... each of us has our own journey.... each unique and different.... each has their own story... their own pain... their grief.... and their own way through it....

but to achieve the depth of healing that has taken place in my heart is truly miraculous....

i am happy.... possibly truly happy for the first time in my entire life....

i mean deeply, contentedly happy.....

i mean rejoicing.... shouting from the rooftops happy....

i mean.... there is vibrant color in my world again....

i laugh all the time...

my 18 year old and i have discovered new levels of silliness.... and giggles....

i feel like it's the dawn of a new day.... like there is sunshine in the world....

like never before....

i would not have said that i was unhappy.... before. but somehow, this is different.....

somehow.... it's like before i was happy within my limitations.... and now i do not feel limited.... i am no longer grounded....

i am free... and i am flying....

i am recreating myself.... i am becoming fully and wholly complete as a woman.... as a human being....

i have suddenly realized that i deserve my own unconditional love....

i have suddenly realized how capable i am of unconditionally loving others....

a huge tidal wave of love....

i have survived losing a child to adoption..... and i have survived well.... and now... i thrive....

[SuddenlySusan]

Beautiful, Julie...just beautiful...
Hugs,
Susan

[julie23]

i often read on the forums that adoption grief is lifelong... that relinquishing causes a lifetime of pain... that none of it ever goes away....

i suppose i started this whole thread to be one voice that says "no".... adoption grief does not have to be lifelong....

do i have sadness about that part of my life? yes. it is a very sad thing.

am i actively grieving and suffering and in pain? no

life has offered me happiness after years of sorrow... what a thing.

what a thing.

to embrace the opportunity of happiness after so much grief....

[humbird753]

Originally Posted by julie23

the cost was much higher than i ever anticipated... i discovered that this self-sacrificing act... was the equivalent of dying.

the cost of relinquishing.... does it cost us all this much? is the price this high for all of us?

the cost....

i am not speaking from self-pity.... or lack of concern for what is best for the baby.... simply pondering on the cost to the mother... the price i paid for relinquishing....

i lost my baby. forever.

i lost my first daughter.... forever.

i lost a piece of me... forever.

i lost my authentic self... whoever that was... whoever i was meant to become.

i probably almost lost my life.... self-destruction... at it's finest.

i lost my dignity.

i lost my confidence.

i lost any faith i had in people to do what they said they would do.... trust.

any shred of trust i had in humanity disappeared with my daughter....

i lived in constant grief, pain and woundedness.

i lived in shame and humiliation.

my image of "mother" became distorted.... based on the false belief that a "good mother" sacrifices everything for her children...

i did not know how to love or respect myself...

i lost the ability to believe that i deserved any happiness in life.... and any happiness that came way i called a "miracle"... God's mercy.....

i became a shell of a human being living in a cage.

and all of this was hidden... deep inside... where even I couldn't articulate it.... even i didn't understand....

a cage i could not see... or touch.... yet, the bars imprisoned me.... as surely as if they were steel.

j

How very true. Very clearly defined. This is what birth moms go through, entirely unaware it is happening to us. Thank you for the wonderful posts.

Hum

[RavenSong]

Julie, thanks for sharing with us this morning. I don't think that birthmom grief has to last a lifetime. I do think, however, that sometimes something triggers us, and we find ourselves dealing with the pain again (like a failed reunion, etc.)

I don't grieve anymore...I haven't actually grieved in years, I think. But I do still feel sadness from time to time. I also think a lot of the birthmoms who buried their grief and pretended it didn't exist or denied it find themselves face-to-face with it in later years.

Do you think adopting your baby daughter this past year helped with the pain and/or anger involved in your bdaughter's behavior? Do you think that some of your healing and "escaping the cage" might be due to having the new baby?

[julie23]

Do you think adopting your baby daughter this past year helped with the pain and/or anger involved in your bdaughter's behavior? Do you think that some of your healing and "escaping the cage" might be due to having the new baby?

i have wondered this.... there is no doubt, that going through adoption from and adoptive parent side of the triad educated me in new ways....

BUT..... i was a birthmother when we started adopting her... and throughout the whole process... i had been a birthmother for 20 something years.... a birthmother first... i went through adopting a baby very very colored by my birthmother experience....

i am not sure how much adopting affected my own healing ....it was probably MORE about how much being a birthmother affected my attitudes and thoughts about adopting...

i have recently thought, though.... that my first raised daughter... born in 1990 was truly the point in my life where i can pinpoint that healing began... not so much about relinquishing... but about all the other tragedies in my life.... and i first began dealing with "stuff".. my feet were planted on a path to healing....

and here i am in 2008.... with the birth of my last daughter.... finding myself at another place in the journey of healing...

and i have wondered if it is more because our last daughter made me feel complete.... when we brought her home... for the first time ever, i didn't feel like someone was missing.... i felt "done".... i felt like all my daughters were home... i felt like i could fully and completely rejoice in the birth of this child... in bringing her home.... without the baggage of the relinquished baby....

and of course, i am sure that my relinquished daughters choice to eliminate us from her life gave me some of that feeling, too....

when she closed the door on our reunion, it was that whole grieving thing again... big time!! As many of us know.... losing the second time is equally as bad as the first... at least for me, it was.

but this time... THIS TIME.... i knew what was happening... i knew how to grieve... i knew that grieving was necessary... and i knew i needed to see it through to the end...

and i knew i would survive it...

as hum said:

How very true. Very clearly defined. This is what birth moms go through, entirely unaware it is happening to us.

that was the first time...

the second time... not so. the second time, i could clearly see the cage that i had lived in for so many years...

and i knew i wanted out.

and i allowed myself to grieve... to be angry... to be furious... to be unforgiving... to walk through the journey to the end..... where i found freedom... peace... forgiveness....

[julie23]

i am sitting here in kentucky... which is a total disaster area.... pondering my many blessings.... many many blessings, really...

i think part of the glorious freedom from this cage is the opportunity to re-invent myself....

part of being free, i think... was waking up one morning... and being able to see... like i had been living in the dark for a long time... and now, i can see....

and the world is amazing... it is this phenomenal place that holds opportunities for happiness.... for growth... for becoming anything i want to be....

i think as the healing progressed.... it culminated in this wake up call... of opening my eyes... and saying "gee... I am living the American Dream!! I have an amazing husband... four beautiful, magnificent daughters.... a wonderful home, financial stability and the opportunities that come with that.... " and i have scratched my head and asked... "what next?"

i feel like my life is just beginning....

i feel like everything i have worked for up til now, was a reaction to relinquishing.... and that isn't all bad... i worked hard to be the "best" mom.... to be a great wife... to build a loving, peaceful, warm home for my family....

much of it, of course, to prove to the world that i was worthy of these children.... worthy of being a mother... etc. we all know the messages beat into our heads as birthmothers....

and i just woke up one day.... and realized that my whole entire life doesn't have to be a reaction to relinquishing....

what a moment.

what freedom.

i have given myself permission to enjoy the happiness that life has thrown my way.... after enduring such sorrow, it seems the right thing, to embrace this happiness.....

i have given myself permission to be me... to just explore life on my own terms....

to separate myself from being "mother".... to find myself apart from the title "mother"

it doesn't mean i don't adore my kiddos.... because i do... absolutely.

it doesn't mean i will be less of a mother to them... or a bad mother... or an absent mother...

it does mean, that i will be free to become myself...

i will pursue more education.... on my own terms... not the education i "should" pursue to support my daughter.... but rather... the one i want to pursue.

i love my life... i love my husband.... and my kids....

and i love discovering myself.... and who i am meant to be.