[LasVegasMom]

I have a question for all of you. My son has not spoken to me since October. We have exchanged 1 email in that time, and this time of year is our reunion anniversary so it is very hard that he has chosen to pull back on our relationship. He has not cut me off all the way, he is keeping his options open but I just want to hear his voice, I miss him so very much. I sent him a text last Friday to remind him it was 1 year ago that he first found me, but he did not respond to the text. I want to call him so very bad, I want him to know I'm thinking of him, I love him, I miss him, but I don't want to overstep my bounds. I am confused because when we reunited he was very upset that I never looked for him but I truly thought it was not my place to do so, that I did not want to intrude on his life. I kind of feel the same way now but I don't want to make the same mistakes I made for 28 years. I am sending him and my grandchildren some christmas gifts, and I have a special card just for him, but I really don't want to wait until the 25th! I really want to call him, but should I maybe just text him or wait or what does anyone think? He moved to be with me, then after 6 months ran back to his a-parents because our reunion did not magically fix his problems and he is blaming me for it.

[austin0i]

Hi Vegas,

It is a hard call, because your son is backing away from you for some reason. I am not sure what he is going through, so I would have to say if you feel like contacting him, then do it.

Text him....or phone him....whatever you choose, but go ahead and do it.

Make it lighthearted and just ask him how it's going.

I can tell you as an adoptee, trust is a MAJOR issue and there are always doubts about the first moms "staying power". Maybe he is pushing you to see if you will disappear. That would not be uncommon. I am in reunion for a year and a half, and I still doubt my first mom. I just can’t shake the feeling that she will run at the first bump in the road. Maybe he is trying to beat you to the starting line.

Listen, life is short and nothing is guaranteed.

You want to talk to your son?

Reach out and contact him.

Kim

[Monster]

Hi Vegas,

I have an idea what if you called him just say i been thinking about you for the holidays and have a gift for you and the gran babies i was sending to let me know when it was recived, then see if he responds to it and then small talk maybe after a bit you will see you stressed over nothing and he was feeling the same way and was afraid to call..And if not atleast you made the move so he knows your still there for him and love him..Best of luck

[cksmom]

ITA with Kim. We constantly fear that we might do or say the wrong thing and bmom could be gone. It's common. Don't give up as Kim said, he may be testing you. Call him and tell him you love him and if he needs a bit of space, you will be there.

[winter444]

I'm an adoptee and I say contact your son, you are not doing anything wrong and right now you are suffering.
As others have said, I'd keep it light, you never know how he's feeling and as an adoptee we are very scared too.

Life is just too short, I'd give anything for my bmom to be the way you are. Go ahead, contact your son, many hugs.

[LasVegasMom]

Thank you all so much, esp the adoptees, I needed to hear things from your side. I'm going to try and call him this afternoon, I'll update you all. You are right, I need to keep it light even though I want to get into all our issues and get things out on the table right away. THE most important thing to me is that he knows I love him and will always be here for him even if he chooses to stay away for awhile, I will NEVER ever not be here for him. Life is way too short, I can't go on like this never talking to him, so I'm just going to pick up my phone, call him, and hope for the best. Thank you all again, I feel alot better with all your good advice to back me up.

[winter444]

I'm wishing you the best of luck and hope everything turns out well.

[Janeytwo]

Hey LasVegasMom!

I'm not sure if we've ever posted back and forth before. Forgive me for that...I'm close to 50 and can't remember what street I live on some days! LOL!

This next is all my opinion but I wanted to share....

I am not in reunion and so I can't speak to the journey that must be. From what I have witnessed from others who've been through it though, it seems to be quite a landscape to traverse; one that takes care and time.

But I am watching this thread and you know it upsets me a bit because just as I don't agree with birthmothers who make promises to their children in reunion - birthmothers who act all excited and elated to have a relationship with their children then pull back as it were -make impossible demands and then leave their children hurting when those demands aren't ment? Well....I don't agree with it in adult adoptees either. It's the opposite side of the same coin. It's playing power games with the heart and soul of others.

Not saying that a person even knows they're deliberately doing that, but your post feels to me to be a prime example of one person running like the wind at the expense of someone else. And we are not talking here about a young person just barely out of highschool. We're talking about a man who is at least what? 29 years old? Who has children of his own? That qualifies him as an adult and an adult should have some sense of decorum. Forgive me if I sound harsh. I love my children too and understand that your son means everything to you and I'm not trying to pass judgement on his character. It's just that how he's handling things is upsetting you badly and that's not right.

This sentence here:

He moved to be with me, then after 6 months ran back to his a-parents because our reunion did not magically fix his problems and he is blaming me for it.

In program we call this kind of thing a "geo cure". Picking up and moving out of the blue because we think that this will solve all our problems, put to rest our demons. Alcoholics specifically are known for this kind of thing. I.e., "If I move to Tennesee all my problems in Minnesota will disappear. It's not me, it's everyone else."

Not saying of course that your son is an alcoholic (which is not a judgement either - it's a disease not a character defect). But people do this too themselves for all sorts of reasons. Like you, your son surely has issues over the adoption; that's perfectly understandable. However, those are his issues to resolve; not yours to suffer at the cross for. Yes, you can apologize, tell him you love him and sympathize, respect the boundaries he feels he must make.

But he owes you an explanation as to why he runs to you and then runs away and refuses to speak to you.

That's the same thing that poor Winter444's birthmother is doing to her; making promises; giving her hope and then changing the rules simply because it's too darn painful.

This is not acceptable behavior from adult people.

IMHO - your son came to live with you; opened himself and his family up to you. He at the very least should have the respect and compassion then to answer your emails.

As an adult of course he has every right to go his own way - as tough as that must be for you and my heart goes out to you on that.

But you have every right to at least call and let him know that you love him and that you'll be there for him.

Perhaps he simply needs time to work things through.

I pray for you both that this works itself out and that you both find friendship with each other.

As everyone else has said. Life is short. They are most certainly right.

Much peace your way this Christmas and always,

Originally Posted by LasVegasMom

I have a question for all of you. My son has not spoken to me since October. We have exchanged 1 email in that time, and this time of year is our reunion anniversary so it is very hard that he has chosen to pull back on our relationship. He has not cut me off all the way, he is keeping his options open but I just want to hear his voice, I miss him so very much. I sent him a text last Friday to remind him it was 1 year ago that he first found me, but he did not respond to the text. I want to call him so very bad, I want him to know I'm thinking of him, I love him, I miss him, but I don't want to overstep my bounds. I am confused because when we reunited he was very upset that I never looked for him but I truly thought it was not my place to do so, that I did not want to intrude on his life. I kind of feel the same way now but I don't want to make the same mistakes I made for 28 years. I am sending him and my grandchildren some christmas gifts, and I have a special card just for him, but I really don't want to wait until the 25th! I really want to call him, but should I maybe just text him or wait or what does anyone think? He moved to be with me, then after 6 months ran back to his a-parents because our reunion did not magically fix his problems and he is blaming me for it.

[LasVegasMom]

Janey,
Thank you so much for the post. I feel like I must always fall on my sword, so to speak, when it comes to him because I have so much guilt over his adoption (I was barely 17 and had no choice in the matter). However, he knows how much I love him and my other 2 kids-he even told me one time that he feels like I have so much love in my heart for my kids that sometimes I just don't know what to do with it. He also told me he loves the fact that I love my kids that much. However, wow, you hit the nail on the head, he has struggled and continues to struggle with addiction. I naively thought the geo-cure would be a cure as well but of course he just brought his problems-addiction and anger mainly-with him. He is very immature for his age-28-but he is also super smart like his dear old mom. He knows how to be manipulative, and he is manipulating me right now. I see adoptees on these boards that are dying to have a relationship with their birth mother and all I want is to continue my relationship with my son no matter what and he has turned his back on me. The funny thing is-he was one of those adoptees just one year ago. Now that I am not the PERFECT mother-June Cleaver? Carol Brady? not sure who he was expecting but I'm a pretty good person but i can't wave my magic wand and make everyone's problems magically go away. Yes, I am suffering, I am absolutely miserable in fact but I am trying to deal with it. I miss him, I love him, I wish he was different, but he is not, and all I can do is try my hardest to let go and Let God, which I have never ever been able to do, but I'm learning in my old age (45).

[LasVegasMom]

oh, just to let you all know, i did call him but of course he didn't answer. i left him a message and told him i missed him, i loved him, and I hoped we could talk sometime before christmas. keeping my fingers crossed and the prayers going....

[winter444]

Hope you hear from your son very soon and pleased you got the chance to leave such a nice message for him.

I just have to say, isn't Janeytwo just wonderful!!!!!!

[Amandak249]

I can understand how painful this must be. I don't have any experience (I'm an adoptee) but I must say that any sort of rejection, intended or otherwise, from any side of the spectrum is truly heartbreaking, and difficult to deal with.


That being said, don't beg. It will only give him more of an opportunity to trample over your feelings. It seems to me, at least, that that's what hes doing. Doing as he pleases, or whatever suits him, without consideration for your feelings and the possible repercussions. He may very well be acting on negative emotions and pain, but that's no excuse to allow yourself to be trampled on. Send the mandated Christmas, Easter, and birthday card with a quick reminded that you are always there for him, but leave it at that.


If he wants it, and if he needs it, he'll come to you. I know its hard . Show him you are not leaving, and that you always love him,but don't push it. He may not trust you completely yet, but that's due to his inability, and has no reflection on your trustworthiness or reliability. You probably can't change him, but with time and with the knowledge that you aren't going to abandon him sinks in, he may very well change his tune.

Keep the faith! You're doing a noble thing. If all birthmothers were like you, this world of adoption would be so much easier.

[tweg1]

I am a birthmother new to the whole reunion experience as well. I met my birthson for the first time in June 08 and again in July 08.He does not have email. After that he called once at the begininng of August and left a voicemail. I was trying to call him on his girlfriends cell phone and there was never an answer or reply to my voicemails. It was very heartbreaking. Everytime there was no reply I felt rejected and took it personaly. Many tears were shed. Finally he called on Thanksgiving and I was so shocked but kept the conversation light. I am afraid to call now as I do not want to feel rejected and he said he was just struggling and busy in his life and did not reply to anyone even his afamily. I totally understand the anxious and rejected feelings you are having. I try hard to keep mine in check and I now keep a journal and wrote down my "Adoption Story" just to help with all the roller coaster emotions I was having. Maybe that could help you too.Things are better now as I am trying to "give it time" as every one here says. It really is true but when you are the one "in the emotion" it is a struggle. Just know you are not alone.