[Rylee45]

My daughter has been contacting me lately and we've had a few chats.

The thing is, I pretty sure it's going to end. She knows Christmas is coming soon and I told her I would like to send her something. I know after Christmas it's going to go back to the same ol' same ol' but I guess I'm just glad to have the opportunity to talk with her for short periods of time.

She's been worried about my mom too since I told her about the surgery and the fact my mom is paralized still. My daughter has actually been asking for updates on my mom. That's not something she's ever done before really.

Usually I'm the one telling her stuff and MAYBE she'll respond with an "I'm sorry to hear that. Gotta go now. TTYL" kind of response and then nothing for months. It's been very frustrating.

Now she's actually contacting me a few times a week asking and wanting to know details about my mom and how she's doing. I just don't know if this is all for a Christmas gift she's wanting from me (it will be in the form of a gift certificate) or if she really cares.

It's helped my mom knowing my daughter is asking about her. I just hope it isn't all for Christmas and going to end. My mom is going to be in the hosp a very long time and if Christmas is it my mom is going to be very sad and depressed not to hear my daughter is still around.

Sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things the way we think they should be and not the way they are with this relationship. I wish we could make her care and be the part of our family she SHOULD have been when she was born. This just really sucks. BUT I'm going to try to enjoy the time with her while I can. You know?

Rylee

[RavenSong]

Rylee, back in the first few years of reunion with my son, we had a lot of problems due to his drug addiction. We would go months at a time with no contact, but he always popped up a couple weeks before his birthday or Christmas.

At first, I wondered the same question you're asking. Was he doing this just to get birthday presents and Xmas gifts? Then one day as I was thinking it over, a certain realization hit me over the head like a ton of bricks.

It wasn't about the possible gifts... My son was thinking about me, him, us, our relationship around the holidays. That seems so natural to me now. Of course he was going to surface before his birthday. Because that's the time period he's always thought about me, ever since he was a little boy. And Christmas, my son LOVES Christmas. And I've come to learn over the past 18 years just how much he misses me during the Christmas Season.

Rylee, even *if* your daughter is communicating with you on a regular basis so that she can get some gifts out of it, please consider this. Use this time period to build up your relationship with her. Get in a lot of "you mean so much to me," "love ya, kiddo," "my door's always open for you," remarks. She may not believe it right now when you say those things, but believe me, they'll stick inside her.

One of the most important things I've ever said to my son is that I can't imagine a world without him in it. I tell him that I'm proud of him, that he is important to me beyond measure. Sure, it embarrasses him sometimes, but hey, isn't that what mothers (even bmoms) do, lol? (I do space out my touchy-feeley comments, though, so he doesn't feel like he's being smothered.)

Keep posting, Rylee. We're listening.

P.S. How's your mom doing lately?

[Rylee45]

I suppose I should think about this in those terms. She did tell me after we met that when she was still looking for me that she had thought about me on Mother's day, Christmas and other times when a mom and child should be together. Maybe that's all it is. I don't know.

I do try to make sure I put those "I Love you" and other things like that in my IM's. I have always tried to make sure I say that to her whenver she and I communicate.

As for my mom, she's not doing too good. She isn't as bad as she was but she's not doing too good. She still can't keep her BP or sugar levels up and she's now having other issues that they are concerned about.

Her feet are completely ripped up because of the "toning" her legs do and her feet too. Her toenails need to be cut but they haven't gotten anyone to do that and so her toenails are digging into the other toes and just ripping the crud out of them.

She's got blisters on her toes as well from the Ted Hose (Sox that help with blood clots issues in the legs and are really tight) they have had her in. For some reason they aren't doing anything but removing the Ted Hose. No meds, no lotions nothing. I'm really concerned. It's why I stay at the hospital as much as I do. To make sure things that need doing get done before I go home.

I keep finding things wrong with her and they are getting annoyed with me pointing them out. BUT if they aren't already alerted because they aren't watching her then there is something wrong with that and I need to alert them so they can take care of her. You know?

Anyway... I have tried to be there everyday and do what I can do but I'm getting sick and I think I am going to end up in bed for several days and not be able to go to the hospital. I'm so worn down I don't know what to do.

I can't leave my mom alone there because they don't take care of her well enough. IMO anyway. My mom tells me I need to stay home more often and do other things but I can't. I feel if I don't do what I can do my mom will die and it will be my fault because I wasn't there to make sure the nurses do their job.

No one else in my family is willing to go spend time with her like I have. MY siblings just don't have the time or desire to do that. My husband can't do it either. My daughter spends time up there but she works and goes to school and she doesn't like leaving her boys with my husband for too long because of his back problems and pain issues. So, the main stuff is left to me.

I just hope I can do this when my mom comes home. There's SO much she's got to learn in the next 5 to 7 weeks when they intend on her going home. I just hope she does.

She's looking so frail these days. I can't even tell you how bad she is looking. Her skin is hanging and extremely dry. Her face is more wrinkled. Her body is just thinning down and she was already thin when she went in. This has been really hard to watch her.

Anyway... Sorry to go on like that. I'm really worried that my mom isn't going to make it too much longer. I just hope it's my own paranoia or worry and not "preminition" you know?

Rylee

[JustPeachy]

Rylee, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. As far as it goes with your daughter, try to take it one day at a time, and try not to have any expectations (I know, I know, it's not easy!).

[LasVegasMom]

well i hope my son pops up soon, but he is in full denial mode of me. I would LOVE to hear from him, even if it is because he wants something from me. At this point, that would be better than this exile he has placed me in. Maybe your daughter is, in her own way, feeling things out, seeing how things are around the holidays with you, and this is all a very very good thing. My son is struggling with trying to stay sober on his own and I know it must not be easy for him-he is so fragile that I do believe he feels me to be just another distraction at this time. however, I sure hope he contacts me soon, so hang in there, and value every moment you have with your daughter. I plan on trying to tell my son exactly what you said, that I cannot imagine my world without him, but I just don't know if even that will shake him loose. I hope everything works out with your mom.

[RavenSong]

Rylee, I'm assuming your mother is on Medicare, correct? If so, I am positive she'll be eligible for comprehensive home-health services when she's discharged from the hospital or rehab facility. I just went thru this with my own mother.

You can also contact your state's Department of Elder Services (often part of DHS). Your mom is probably eligible for some other assistance programs, now that she is paralyzed and home-bound. If I remember correctly, don't you live in Washington state? If so, go to their state website. They have a fantastic Department of Elder Services with a lot of programs. (I had to visit the site when my mom was thinking of moving to my brother's house near Seattle.)

As far as dealing with the nurses, I know exactly what you're going thru. After my mom had her stroke a few months ago, I went thru the same thing. She told me that her nursing care improved drastically after I started calling the nurses' station every day and asking to speak with the head nurse.

One tip about dealing with nurses: let them know that you know what a hard job they're doing. Tell them you appreciate all they're doing for your mom. I sent a box of See's candy to the nursing station, along with a big thank-you card. I think little things like that can go a big way. Nurses often feel unappreciated and dumped on. A lot of hospitals have cut back on their staffing levels, and the nurses are assigned many more patients than they used to be. It's a tough profession.