[MamaS]

Don't forget transportation. If you are not in a big city with bus or rail service, you have to have a car. How will a parent get the child to the doctor, or get to the food stamp office or get to the grocery store? If you have any kind of car, you must have minimum insurance. So, you must have a job to pay for it. If you have a job, you most likely won't qualify for food stamps, etc. It is a vicious circle!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I do think there is a stereotype in adoption that paints birth parents are irresponsible, dirt poor, uneducated teenagers who are homeless or on the verge. While I believe that this is a reality for some birth parents and some situations - it is not, in my opinion, the status quo. It most certainly doesn't ring true for me.

Know what's really pathetic? My view of a birthmom was always on the opposite side of the spectrum...

I never viewed them as the way you mentioned. I always saw them as a late teen who was college bound and wanted to achieve that goal before having children. They were always really sweet, and had really nice families.

WTH? I mean, where in the world do we get these stereotypes?

It was only after I brought home my boys and saw that AJ's firstmom wasnt really interested in college and didn't really want to "better" herself (and yes, I vomit a little in my mouth when I realize how stupid I wasto use the word "better") that I realized that things weren't always so black and white.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Don't forget transportation. If you are not in a big city with bus or rail service, you have to have a car. How will a parent get the child to the doctor, or get to the food stamp office or get to the grocery store? If you have any kind of car, you must have minimum insurance. So, you must have a job to pay for it. If you have a job, you most likely won't qualify for food stamps, etc. It is a vicious circle!

Great point, Mama S. Detroit and it's suburbs is not exactly known for their public transportation system...

[BrandyHagz]

I think our realities and our expriences differ so much.

I think about how offended people would be if I shared the realities of my 'stories' as the realities in adoption...While my own story is mine and my reality, it is not the status quo either...ya know?

I think we all want to say "This is how it is" - but in the end, there is nothing about adoption that is one size fits all.

I tend to get upset and defensive when people assume things about me simply because I am a birth parent. That really cooks my goose.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Personally, I believe that finances have almost always played a huge part in the decision to relinquish.

See, and that's what I couldn't really wrap my head around...I know (and believe) that people shouldn't place for financial reasons alone, and I know people have said that times change and so do finances, but for some reason, my brain couldn't really wrap all my thoughts into where it made any sense to me...

And you mentioned about the whole "music/art lesson" thing...

I remember when AJ's firstmom chose us...We got to read a questionaire thing that she filled out about what her hopes were for her child if she decided to place as opposed to parent.

She basically said that she wanted a child with a big home and a big backyard that got to play alot of sports...

And it concerned me because we certainly don't have a big home or a big backyard, so when we met, we made sure to lay it out on the line...In fact, her parents home was twice the size of ours with about 10 times the amount of property...

And I just wanted to make sure to dispell whatever notions the agency may have put in her head...

[karla-k]

Within 2 years of her birth, I was moving into my new home, driving a new vehicle with an excess in the bank (not huge, but helpful).

It is impossible to go back in time to replay different scenarios, but you have to wonder if you would have been able to make that turn around having to care for both of your children.

My husband and I have seen our share of hard financial times, but thankfully we could see the end of the tunnel. We both had college degrees and family to help. I can imagine some of these girls have no idea if there is an end to the tunnel, let alone being able to see it.

I personally feel that you do not need material things to "be a mommy" but you do need the resources to care for a child, and most of those things happen to be material...food, clothing, housing, transportation. It is sad that in America people do not have these things, the basic things in life.

[BrandyHagz]

Karla,

I am well aware that things could have been very different, had I made the decision to parent. I have said it time and time again - my decision to place, given the exact same circumstances now as they were then, even with the benefit of my knowledge of the future, would not be different. My choice of parents for her, however, would be different.

I am not one to dwell on hindsight - I realize that every step I have taken, including the step to place my daughter for adoption, has had a huge impact on who and what I am today...it is very likely, had I made the decision to parent her (which, given my circumstances, was not an option) I could very well be (and likely would be) in a very different place.

As it is, my education was complete (although, I've gone back several times) and my life is comfortably where I would like it to be.

[sstuart]

I did relinquish because of finances. I had a home and a job--but not one that I could care for another human being. I was told that I would not be able to complete college. That may have been correct, but I will never know. The two parent family I placed with is now divorced? I know in my heart I made the best decision at the time. But I guess what is frustrating to me is I am often looked down on because of my choice to place, but I know people who have used government assistance and were in the same place I was and were able to parent. I wish I had been told of those options. I was told I would not get any help unless I named the father, which at the time I had no desire to do. All I would have liked was to have know the TRUE options that were available to me. Not just the one that the agency thought was best for them. More and More I am getting tired of being the responsible one!!!

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by sstuart

I did relinquish because of finances. I had a home and a job--but not one that I could care for another human being. I was told that I would not be able to complete college. That may have been correct, but I will never know. The two parent family I placed with is now divorced? I know in my heart I made the best decision at the time. But I guess what is frustrating to me is I am often looked down on because of my choice to place, but I know people who have used government assistance and were in the same place I was and were able to parent. I wish I had been told of those options. I was told I would not get any help unless I named the father, which at the time I had no desire to do. All I would have liked was to have know the TRUE options that were available to me. Not just the one that the agency thought was best for them. More and More I am getting tired of being the responsible one!!!

I couldn't agree more with this post if I had written it myself.

I was also fed the whole "Your child deserves a 2 parent home" .... My son's father passed away when he was 13 yrs old and he is still being raised by his single mom.

I wanted ALL of my options presented to me, not just the ones that served the purpose of the agency.

[TiannaFalls]

Finances were *one* of my concerns when I gave my daughter up. I have an older sister, she is 6 years older than me. She got pregnant when she was 17. She kept her baby, but she went through so many years of hardship and ended up having to give him to his father so that she could move away to escape a seriously abusive boyfriend. She spent many years on welfare and it was always a struggle for them. I didn't want my child to be brought up that way. My situation *might* have turned out different than hers but with Em's birth father already out of the picture before I even discovered I was pregnant, things weren't looking good. I've been reunited with her 9 days ago (she's 21 now) and one of the first things she told me was that her life has been great, so I feel I made the right decision.

[Janeytwo]

((( TiannaFalls )))

I'm so glad to hear that things have turned out. I too surrendered my children due to extreme financial hardship.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

[jrainbow]

I hope you don't mind an adoptee chiming in. In my opinion, the overriding emotion that many bmom's in this forum and other places is they want a good life for their baby. At the time, in the circumstances, they make the decision (or at least, allow the decision to be made) that adoption is better for their child. I was not given up for financial reasons, actually my bfamily was better off than my adopted family in the 50's. But my bmom gave me to a family that was in the right place to parent a child because she loved me. I always felt that and, after reunion, I know it to be true.

No matter what reason or mountains of reasons that a girl uses to make a decision - her decision should be respected. Every reason is valid to her. Very, very few girls make any decision concerning pregnancy lightly. I used to tell my daughter when talking about protection that once you are pregnant before you are in a good place in your life to parent, there are no good and easy decisions - no matter what decision you ultimately decide you can best live with.

[Janeytwo]

((( JRainbow ))))

Thank you! You put a smile on my face today!!

Merry Christmas to you and the best of New Years for you and your loved ones!!!

:-)

[coco11]

I have the most respect for a Mother who has given there child up for adoption for what ever reason. I am one of them. I was only 16 at the time so I know. I met a wonderful man just months after my decision and we ended up getting married he would have accepted me and my son with open arms. But you cant turn the clock back. I know I made the right decision. I believe its one of the most unselfish decisions a mother can make.