[Jennasmom1990]

Well...I Passed...

I am writing this to let everyone know that I did indeed pass my GED test, now I just have to take a mandated US Constitution Test and I will get that coveted High School Equivalency Certificate. I am hoping to get the Constitution Test done by Dec 11th, so that I will have the certificate to be able to register for classes for Spring semester.

I don't know guys I have to admit I thought I would be over the moon with the knowledge that I have finally passed my GED test, and on the first try even and never really having taken any prep classes for it. But honestly I am feeling pretty melonchaly about it. When I first read the results I was stunned that I had passed it, I thought for sure that I was going to have to retake at least the math portion again. So yes I was caught a bit off guard by the fact that I passed it the first time around.

It has taken me several days to really figure out why I am feeling almost "down" about passing that test. I have spent a lot of time over the past 7 (almost 8) months of our reunion grieving the loss of my daughter, (A luxury I have never allowed of myself.) but I have never ever grieved for the loss of myself, of the person I was, the person I wanted to be, of the person that I am because of the adoption. I never really thought about how much I lost of myself. Don't get me wrong I lost my daughter, but I also lost myself...me.

Taking my GED test was a HUGE thing for me in and of itself, but passing it opened a floodgate of emotions I didn't even know I was still feeling after 18 years. I lost who I was, and the person that I was striving to be when I placed my daughter up for adoption. I lost sight of what I wanted for myself. I felt like my own hopes and dreams walked out of that hospital wailing pitifully and wrapped in a blanket. I am now realizing that I TOTALLY lost me...all of who I was when I made the choice to allow 2 other people to walk away from that hospital and parent my daughter.

I am now in this grievous fog of longing for myself back, desperately wanting to reclaim ME without losing who I have been for the last 18 years. I am not sure that makes any sense at all to anyone but me. Part of the sadness that I am feeling over passing the GED test is...for the last 18 years that has been a huge part of me and what makes me...me. It is one of the few parts I still have/had of the "little lost girl" that I was when my birth mom journey started. For the last 18 years not finishing my high school education has been my battle cry, it has been my reason to be a stay at home mom, it has been my reason for some of the dumb (even though I knew better) choices I have made, it has been my reason for the depression I often suffer from, it has even been my reason to sharp with my tongue. I have wielded it like a sword in battle, it was my weapon of mass destruction. Not many people would argue with me when I would say...yeah but who wants me or would listen to me, I'm a dumb high school dropout remember?

Ironically here lately I have finally begun to allow myself to dream dreams of my very own. Not dreams for my marriage or my children but for me. I want to go back to school and get a degree, I want to be something. The reason I said ironically is because with all the plans that I have been making to go back to school I still put off that GED test. The emotional representation of that test for me was the (quasi) equivalent of God telling Mary that her child, her son, was to be sacrificed. The emotions that Mary must have felt when God's greater plan for her son began to happen is how I felt about that test. I know that some of you are probably thinking that I am stretching that a bit by using that analogy, but honestly it is true. The panic, the pain, the sadness, the just wanting to be over, the want and even the need to stop it (I will admit this I had control over, Mary did not), the knowing that it was for the best, the desire to protect...all those emotions were there for me when it came to taking that test.

I would begin taking classes and would never get through more than 2 or 3 before I found a reason not to go anymore. I would sign up for the test and always have a reason not to actually go and take it. Most of the time I would make myself physically ill at the mere thought of taking that test. I once had an actually panic attack over taking the classes, this was truly a huge weakness for me. Everyone would tell me that I was smart and shouldn't fear the test, but I could never get anyone to understand that smarts had nothing to do with it, it was all emotions for me. I am not sure how I actually walked into that room those two days and sat down and actually took that test, but I did. I think a lot of it because of the reunion, but I think most of it is because I was finally ready...and nobody was pushing me to do it.

Now that is is done, and I am very thankful that I don't have to retake it, I am feeling just a bit sad. I am hoping that it doesn't last long, but I am kind of glad the sadness is there. I am glad it is there because I has helped me to realize that I have lost so much of myself and that it is time to grieve the loss of that person that I was but am no longer. I felt better today than I have since I found out about passing it, so that is a good sign. I miss my 18 year old self, but am kind of glad I no longer have carry her on my shoulders anymore...she was getting quite heavy and cumbersome. I am going to move forward in my life and hopefully fulfill some of those things I have begun dreaming about, but I will never ever forget that girl that I have carried for the last 18 years. I have dried her tears, pounded out her frustrations, swelled with pride at her accomplishments, and even giggled for her when she was happy...but...it is time to let her go, so that I can move forward. I will miss her very much she is who I have been for the last 18 years, but I think that she is happy that I have my daughter back and that I am reclaiming my life. So farewell "little girl" I love who you were, I will think of you often, but most importantly I thank you for letting me go and giving me the chance to LIVE!!!

[Jennasmom1990]

That is for those of you that dont read my blog, I posted that same post on my reunion blog. Just wanted to give my birthmom cyber friends and update on me and how I am doing personally.

[RavenSong]

Cas, I'm going to post a longer reply (as usual, lol!), but I want to go read your latest blogs first. In the meantime, a huge CONGRATULATIONS!!! I do know the conflicting emotions you're feeling right now. I had the same feelings when I finally started college at age 25. I had put off going back to school after I relinquished my son at age 17. I had the same feelings of sadness (unexpectedly) when I scored high on the ACT exam and the college math placement exam.

I'm off to read your blog. Keep up the great work, kiddo!!

[AlisonMarie]

I lost myself too when I gave my son up. I gave him up, and gave myself up too, is what I tell those that know. I think coming here is my last attempt to try and reclaim myself, and who I was before I got pregnant. I gave up on so many dreams then, but I don't think it's EVER to late to live your life or start over. I am 27, and decided to go back to school and pursue a degree and maybe live happily ever after. I can't keep a relationship to save my life, most guys tell me I have "too many issues". But I know if I work on ME, maybe everything else will fall into place.

And I do have to say, congratulations!! It IS a big accomplishment to get your GED.

[RavenSong]

Casandra, all I can really add to what I've already said is that you are not alone. I think a lot of us bmoms have gone thru similar situations. In a way, it's a good thing that you can feel the sadness now, acknowledge it, and then let it go.

There will be little things that will trigger memories for you in the future. I don't think that ever really ends for us. But now you have some tools to use when dealing with the emotions. I'm always surprised when I get triggered these days...it always seems like such a surprise when I realize that I still have some grief and sadness. I can be standing in a crowd watching a parade go by, and then suddenly I find myself feeling sad as I watch the small children playing and smiling. Then I realize that I'm stilling missing my son, even though we've been reunited for over 18 years now. But I still miss the baby, the child, if that makes any sense.

One of your latest blog entries really touched my heart. I am so proud of you for being there for Jenna when she reached out to you last week. You've come a long way, girl. It just takes time and patience...and a willingness to remain open to yourself and to reach out to others. You're on the right road, my friend.

[sstuart]

Congratulations on getting your GED!! And WOW what a post. To be able to look at yourself the way you have is quite an accomplishment. I hope that one day I can figure out how to get where you are. I have taken a different road maybe, but one that still has not gotten me where I want to be. I hope that you do well on the Constitution test. I must say I would definitely have to study for that! It sounds like you are on the path to healing and that is not an easy road!