[siobhan_ontario]

I had a baby almost four years ago and placed him for adoption. Only a few people in my life are even aware that I had a baby. At the time I was embarrassed to tell people and now I don't want my family and friends to feel hurt that I didn't tell them sooner. I have a lot of support and am very thankful for that but now I am wondering what your thought on telling others.

I have recently started seeing someone and I don't know if I should tell him. Obviously if this ends up becoming serious I will tell him..... But when is a good time? I don't want to lie by NOT telling him, but I don't want to tell him too soon either........


Any thoughts?

[agathaj]

give it a few months - don't worry about it too much - have fun - and then say 8 to 12 weeks later you will know if it is going somewhere serious and then tell him. That's what I did and it worked for me...

[quantum]

Hiya,
It's up to you and what feels right.
If someone truly loves you for who you are, and having a child that you relinquished is a part of that! Then it won't matter to them in the long run and hopefully they can help you heal.
It is hard though!
I told people I was dating when I felt the relationship was very serious.

It's hard, I know! Even now that I'm in reunion and happily married, and my husband knows and supports me, I struggle as to when and if to tell friends.

[Rylee45]

It's weird but I told people right off the bat when I got home from the unwed mother's home. I never hid it.

I know I was told by the agency and the foster mother and everyone else involved in the process at the time not to tell anyone but not telling anyone in my opinion at the time was like saying she didn't count that she was someone to forget about. I couldn't do that to her.

Plus I figured I didn't want to get involved seriously with anyone who couldn't handle the fact I'd had a baby I gave away. If they didn't want to be around me due to that then I saved myself heartache.

By that I mean, if I got attached and felt like I was falling in love with that person and they said, "Oh my god you've got to be kidding!!! You had a baby without being married and gave it away??? HOW could you do that??? I'm outta here!" Or anything simular with the end result being that they'd leave I wouldn't get hurt so easily.

The heartache was bad enough losing my daughter. I had a hard time getting attached in the first place after that time in my life. It was just easier for me to tell them about it right off and give them a chance to run or find out they were ok with it. I don't know if I did the right thing or not because many of them just walked away and I never seen them again but to me it's easier than getting attached and then losing them.

Even after I was married the first time and then divorced I told guys I dated about my daughter. I don't think it was first date telling them I'd usually wait until the 2nd date if I got one but I did tell them way before there was a chance of falling in love and getting hurt by their leaving over the idea I'd had a baby I gave away.

Rylee

[FullQuiverMamma]

Maybe you could share with him your intentions/expectations of what you and he both would do if you got pregnant (again). That might naturally lend itself to the issue at hand and you could be sure of his stance.

[cetalley]

[quote=siobhan_ontario]I had a baby almost four years ago and placed him for adoption. Only a few people in my life are even aware that I had a baby. At the time I was embarrassed to tell people and now I don't want my family and friends to feel hurt that I didn't tell them sooner. I have a lot of support and am very thankful for that but now I am wondering what your thought on telling others.

I have recently started seeing someone and I don't know if I should tell him. Obviously if this ends up becoming serious I will tell him..... But when is a good time? I don't want to lie by NOT telling him, but I don't want to tell him too soon either........!
SIOBAN, I too placed twins, 1986, only their father, my son,knew at that time. To this day my family,( 9 sibs,mom) do not know. I do not feel a need to tell them. If and when I need to I will. We all love each other, but are so spread out, are not close. If I am blessed to find them and THEY wish to meet them...I will have the need. I divorced the twins dad, in 1999, and remarried, to the most handsome wonderful man any lady could ask from GOD. When we met and became serious in discussing our life goals , needs, wants, that is when I told him. It was not difficult at all,( one reason I knew he was THE one)! He has now been my groom for 10 yrs and is supporting my journey to reunion. You WILL know when the relationship turns to talks of the future and BOTH of your wants and needs, if he loves you this will not effect anything between the two of you. I wish you many years of happiness and hope this is YOUR one!:

[AlisonMarie]

I placed my son for adoption in 97, and have had a few relationships since then. It usually comes up when we're discussing the possibility of an oops pregnancy, like, what would you do if? questions.Then I usually bring up that I had a baby at 15 and gave him up. Oddly enough, one of my boyfriend's, when I was 19, asked if I put a baby up for adoption. It caught me completely off guard, but he noticed my stretch marks and asked.

It has never been hard for me to bring it up, when it's the right time, it can't be forced. I also felt ashamed, but most of the men I have dated are more curious than anything.

A lot of people don't know I put a baby up for adoption either. It was completely hidden from my little sister, who was 10 at the time, and only my parents know, not my grandmother, or other extended family, which makes it really, really hard sometimes. I don't know why I keep it a secret, it's such a big part of myself, but sometimes once it's a secret, it's better kept that way.