[teacher22]

I gave birth to my son 18 years ago yesterday and it has finally hit home. The BF and I are actually married we have another child together. I miss the son I gave up and am really trying to decide whether or not to contact him. I know where he lives(it's out of state). It was an open adoption so he could find me as well. Right now I just think it is selfish of me to want to meet him. He's still in high school and has his whole life ahead of him.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Teacher22,

Hi! My name's Janey. Welcome to the forum! There are lots of good folk in here who have support and kindness to offer.

I have only been coming in here about 5 months I guess but have found it to be a wonderful source of comfort and of information too.

I only recently began to look for my son and daughter. For years I felt I had no right to do so; that to search for them was a hateful and selfish act.

But as I emerge from my "basement" as I call the long silent depression I suffered after reliquishment, as I emerge from that, I am beginning to see that it is all right to want to know my children. In fact it is more than all right.

Scary as the dickens - but all right. :-)

Keep posting. You will find many people here who've been where you're at and will be willing to walk along with you as you travel the adoption road.

Hugs to ya!

[cetalley]

Teacher, I also welcome you with open arms. You have already had the dubious honor of meeting Janey, she is a wise one and listens just as well as she gives open honest advice. Keep her close...you may need her. We have so so many wonderful , wise people here, we all chime in to give the different perspective, but none mean you any disrespect. I am, like Janey2 , a firstmom, I also relinquished 2, twin sons 22 yrs. ago, yet to find them......but I frequent a.com, mostly for the comradery of talking and venting with the rest of the triad. I do not know any wise advice to offer you on your 18 yr old. Happy B-day! I always hear there is plenty of time...but I always feel life is too short and we are not guaranteed tomorrow! So this is a decision only you can make. I have waited because I , too thought they are young, males do not mature as fast, and wanted to wait until they were into the last yr of hopefully college! I turned 47 this past June and that is the age my oldest sister died, I felt it was time....Best of Luck...just holler we are here!

[JustPeachy]

Welcome to the forums! I am another birthmom chiming in, but had a semi open adoption. I still communicate through an agency intermediary, and I'm not yet in reunion. My son accepts my correspondence, and has indicated he'd like to email, but is still not ready. I'm just waiting patiently and am scared sometimes (well, a lot of the time!), too.

I'd say if you had an open adoption, can you re-open it? He may not be ready yet at 18, but you can let him decide if he is or not. They always say males take longer for desiring contact, but I know there are several women here who have been reunited with sons who were younger. If he is not ready to meet, perhaps he'd be willing to send an update or just email once in awhile for now. You could always let him know you do not want to disrupt his life, but would love to reunite when and if he is ready.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide, and know we are here and many have gone through reunion and can help.

[Mommy24]

Welcome to the forums! I am a first mom and my birth son just turned 18 in October. My adoption journey has been long and bumpy, had a semi-open adoption that after 7 years his parents cut off without notice. I tried for 10 years to find him and finally last year was able to locate them with the help of a search angel, made contact with his mom and found out that he wanted to hear from me. We have been emailing back and forth sporadically for almost a year now. It is SLOW going and the ball is definitely in his court so to speak, but I love knowing the little things he shares with me.

I say try and make contact with him and his family, let him have the option and go from there.

Best of luck to you and if I can help please don't hesitate to PM me.

[quantum]

I was someone who beleived that I had no right to contact my son. I had thought 'I'll put my information out there and then he can find me if he wants to'. Then I turned 40! And I read a lot of posts here, especially from a lot of adoptees that said they would want their moms to find them. So I figured what the heck.
One false start and we finally got in contact 3 months before he turned 22.
He said he got a letter that I'd written when he was born when he turned 18 and he did an attempt at looking for me (although he didn't look too hard).
I've been lucky! He's glad I found him, glad to have me in his life. It's tough though- he's a guy, he's not into expressing emotions really, he's lousy on the phone, he's ok in emails but is extremely busy in his life. So it's a little frustrating for me, but I'm glad to have him there, glad to know he's ok and to know I can reach out to him if I need to.

I personally think it's worth it to search and at least let him know you're interested if and when he is. But try to prepare yourself as much as possible that he may not be ready. He may also be extremely negative, but don't take that as the be all and end all...
I know he's only 18, but I would try to make contact with him directly. That might be a little controversial to say! But technically he IS of legal age. I say this because my son's amom got contacted first and said 'nope he's not interested and too busy' without asking him. That wasn't the case.
I leave the what and when he shares with relatives up to him.

Good luck! Please share your journey with us! Let us know what you decide to do and how it goes (I personally am a curious creature).

[-maggie]

Teacher ~ Hello! I am a bmom recently found by my daughter. She was 18 & in high school when she found me. I registered on several sites on her 18th birthday and she found me without any problem! I too felt that I had no right to intrude on her world.

My advice is to go for it! Life is short..... let him know that you are receptive for any contact from him when he is ready. Let him decide.

Good luck to you! Keep us posted!

[kakuehl]

Another bmom here, I too felt that while I was open to reunion, it was his call. I wrote him a letter, which he never got (the agency his parents used was closed). Especially after I got a computer, I would occasional tentative attempts to locate him. I finally decided to really look about 3 years ago, after the son I raised commented that people were asking him if he was related to Johnny Knoxville. (I checked him out... not a match, LOL) When I registered on here I found that he had already registered so I had a name and I knew that he was open to being found. (By the way, each of us spend years thinking the other one should search!) For us, this turned out to be the "right" time to connect because of where D is in his life journey. He has told me that had he been 18 or even 25 when we connected, it would not have gone as well.

My recommendation to you would be to write him and let him know that you would like to reconnect with him, but that it's up to him, and that you will make sure he can always find you.

[didi20]

I'm an adoptee and i hope you don't mind my opinion...everyday I wish my bmom would walk in the door and pick me up into her arms and tell me how much she loves me and missed me...i feel incomplete without her...that's how i feel...I don't know how your son feels but you should look to see if he has been looking...i don't think you're being selfish...I don't know anything about you or your situation but I just thought I'd share my feelings about it...

[teacher22]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to me. It means a lot just to know that I can come here and vent.

Didi-you are so sweet! Thanks for the encouragement. I too hope that someday your birthmom will come greet you with open arms. All I can say is that, I had to push the pain away for quite awhile. That is the ONLY reason I stopped having contact with my bs.

I have sent a letter to both my BS and his amom. I just felt like I needed to be respectful of her as well since that is how we used to communicate before I stopped writing.

[didi20]

thank you so much for the wishes and love...you have no idea how much it means to hear from a bmom and try to understand it...

good luck with your search I hope it is everything yo've been looking for...

My only piece of advice and please don't take it the wrong way...if there is any hesitation in communication from your son just remember that it has no reflection on how much you mean to him...its just all the pain and fear...from the day he was born he has loved you more than you can imagine...i hope that makes sense...

[teacher22]

Didi-I definitely don't take your advice the wrong way. As other people have shared in other posts the waiting just STINKS!!

In my very irrational mind I'm ready for contact RIGHT NOW!That of course is how I feel when I'm sad and miss him really badly. The rest of the time I try to think positively. I'm trying to give myself until after the holidays until I really freak out.

=)

[kakuehl]

Hmm. As one who didn't have contact until bson was 32, I would encourage you NOT to freak out too soon. It seems that often males are not as ready for contact as girls. Patience, unfortunately, is the name of the game. Let him know you are would love to meet him when he is ready and then go on with your life!

[teacher22]

Thanks Kakuehl!

There are definitely days when I DON"T want to be in the waiting room of patience! I am lucky enough to have a great job and family to keep extra busy.

=)

[teacher22]

I just opened my email like I always do in the mornings and there it was. An email from my BS! I'm still shaking! It is probably the nicest letter I could have asked for. He is extremely busy but says he is looking forward to hearing from me. I can't believe how fortunate I am. I'm still crying. I have to go wake DH husband up now so I can tell him.

Thanks for all of your good thoughts! They worked!

=)