[bumblebeeskies]

It has taken a lot for me to say what I'm about to say, and I hope I don't get flamed.

I don't understand something. If my bmom did not want me as a baby and 30 years later wants nothing to do with me, I don't understand why she didn't just have an abortion. I can understand that perhaps she wasn't in a place to care for me back then. However, there had to have been some idea in her mind that it was at least POSSIBLE for me to find her as an adult? She is not religious, so I know that had nothing to do w/ her choice. Maybe I am just rambling.

[DancinBear63]

No flames here, just support from another adoptee...

Have you considered that your birth mother may have simply wanted to give you life, and in choosing adoption, provide you with an opportunity to accomplish things that you may not have been able to had she raised you? I have no idea what circumstances were like 30 years ago, but is it possible that she would not have expected to be found?

[Rylee45]

I don't know why your mom doesn't want anything to do with you right now. I am sorry that she doesn't. I don't know if this is her situation or not but just because she gave you for adoption doesn't mean she didn't want you. Believe me, MOST of us wanted our babies but society back then didn't allow for it. No one cared what we wanted they only wanted to get rid of the "problem" for us. They didn't think about the long term or even care about that.

Everyone was so convinced (and still are it seems) that a child deserves two parents and a single parent can't possibly be a GOOD parent. Also the "embarrassment" of your child having a child out of wedlock. OMG GASP! I think that's so ridiculous! A single parent can be a good parent just as good as two parent home! But barbarac old fashion ideas still are in the minds of some people and they still believe and believed that a baby shouldn't stay with the birth mom if she's single. If you're mom isn't dealing with this very well, she probably wanted you more than you know. Or of course if you were a product of rape, that could be the reason too. If you weren't then she is probably just hurting so much because she probably wanted you and wasn't able to keep you for whatever reason.

As for her not aborting you instead, it could be more a thing about abortion being murder (in some person's eyes) whether they are religious or not. People don't have to be religious to believe that way.

She also might have just wanted you to have a better life and back in the 70's not only were adoptive parents told they were getting a baby with a "clean slate" to "mold" into the person they wanted them to be (maybe not put exactly that way but you know what I mean I hope) and the records were closed etc, but birth mothers were told pretty much that all information would be in sealed records and not easily found.

We were told to go home and forget about our babies and "move on" as if we'd never had a child. In fact we were told (at least in my situation) that we should never mention that we'd had a child because it would ruin our reputation and "no decent man would want us".

We were told our babies had new parents and they probably would not ever want to find us because they would be in "good homes" with "two loving parents" and the "need to know us" wouldn't be there.

I didn't want to believe that and I didn't but a lot of us probably did and tried to put it out of our minds that we'd ever see our baby again. It was painful and horrible and sometimes "doing the right thing" hurts more than it should.

Your mom probably went through so much in her life maybe even before she gave birth to you and then all the years after that it just might be too painful for her to see you knowing that she didn't keep you or couldn't or whatever it was that caused you to be adopted.

There may be a lot of factors. But it might be that she was convinced that your parents who raised you are your parents and she had no rights to even think about you being her child so she isn't dealing with the idea of your actually being in her life. I don't know if that make sense or not the way I'm saying that.

I'm glad she didn't abort you. You are a special person and someone who deserves life and to happy if you can. I feel sad that she doesn't want anything to do with you.

I'd give anything to have a good relationship with my daughter that I didn't have to sneak around to have and sometimes not even get at all.

I hope things change for you in the future with your relationship with your birth mom. I wish adoption didn't have such bad effects on some people. It's such a hard thing to deal with. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Rylee

[EZ2Luv]

No flames here I am somewhat in the same boat. My bmom denied me knowing who she was and took it to her grave. She obviously just did not want me when I was born and had absolutely no intentions of aknowledging me as a daughter throughout her life. I did know her growing up only never knew she was my biomom. I also knew her to be manipulative, selfish and self centered and that she would have jumped at the oppurtunity of an abortion if she could.
The ONLY reason I can think of as to why she did not abort me was because abortions back then were illegal and not readily available if not trust, me she would have been first in line at a clinic.
The sad harsh reality for me is knowing that my bmom is just one of those cold callous people who would stop at nothing to have things thier way.
My only consolation is coming here and reading of the bmoms that DO care and love their biochildren. This is where I get strength.
Also, having had a bmom that was so selfish and seeing how her raised kids turned out makes me realize how blessed I was to not have been raised. I witnessed how she treated her raised children and they were "wanted" and kept.

Is it possible that like my bmom, that abortions were simply not as available as they are now? I mean there could be a million reasons but she is the only one who knows why. Another thing too is that maybe by the time she reaslized she was pregnant, she was too far along to get an abortion.
It really sux, having questions and not being able to have answers and even worse when there is a person that hads the answers and for some reason will not answer them.
I know I could drive myself crazy trying figure out answers to questions I may never know like who is my bfather? I just got to a point where I say "it is what it is" and I will never know so I just choose to accept that I will never know because if not I can drive myself crazy.

EZ

[quantum]

(((((bumblebeeskies))))

I know that relinquishing my son wasn't really a matter of not wanting him, it just was that in some ways I wasn't really given any other option. And this was in the mid 80's!
Of course, I'm THRILLED to have him in my life and would love to have him in my life even more, so I can't really 'get' why a birthmom wouldn't want to know?

I guess one option is that perhaps it's just too painful for her?

Maybe she's also bought into the 'must not contact you, just forget, move on' and just can't get out of it?

Only she has a chance of knowing, and perhaps she doesn't.

I'm just sorry for your sake toots!

[NJNative]

so if you were conceived before that, it was impossible to get a legal abortion anyway.

Often women were in denial, too. They would ignore the pregnancy until it was too late for an abortion -- or even until they were in labor. (Still happens occasionally).

But maybe your birth mother really just wanted to have you.

[paigeturner]

Pre 1973 about 1/3 of the states had decriminalized abortion. The OP stated that she is 30 so, R v W was already in place.

Having said that, for me there is no linkage between my decision to place my son and my decision not to obtain an abortion. There is also no linkage between my decision not to obtain an abortion and religion. There is absolutely no linkage to my deep feelings for my son and my decision to place. My son was wanted very much.

Your birthmother may not feel worthy to know you. She may still carry a deep shame for having placed you. She may be a cold woman with no parental instincts. We're all different. All of us.

Good luck with your journey. I read your other thread...I say go for it!

[JustPeachy]

Not every birthmother wants contact, just as not every adoptee wants contact. It is hard to say what the reasons are in your birthmom's case. I've always been open to contact, and even still, the prospect of reuniting still scares me with all the emotions and unknowns! So for someone who was involved in a closed adoption (I'm assuming being 30 years ago, it was closed), it can only be that much harder. Everything was handled with the utmost secrecy and the women were told in no uncertain terms that reconnecting was NOT an option. There are some birthmoms who don't want to open that door once it has been shut, perhaps because it would be too painful to revisit or they have internalized the shame and judgement of society and their own family members at the time. And I don't think even the possibility of a knock on the door or phone call would occur to them, as they were assured confidentiality, as were the adoptive parents, that the birthmothers would not come looking for their children, and vice versa. Back then, too, it wasn't so easy to find someone. There was no internet, and people didn't even think to hire investigators to reconnect down the road. Society just didn't support this, and it was drummed in people's heads that you just didn't go down that road, but were rather told to forget about it and move on (as if you could!).

As far as why your birthmom didn't terminate, it could be any number of reasons. Perhaps she didn't believe in it, was too far gone, didn't have the money, or didn't have easy access to a clinic. Or maybe she really wanted simply to bring you into the world but not have any sort of future relationship.

[JustPeachy]

She may be a cold woman with no parental instincts.

It's possible that she doesn't have parental/maternal instincts, but that doesn't necessarily make her cold. Not every woman desires motherhood. I don't know if the OPs birthmom went on to have more children, but perhaps she really wasn't cut out to be a mom, and knew this about herself, but still didn't wish to terminate. In that case, she would be doing the best thing by allowing another family to raise her child.

[paigeturner]

I was just pulling words out of other posts. You are 100% correct.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by NJNative

Abortion was illegal until 1973... so if you were conceived before that, it was impossible to get a legal abortion anyway.

Not true. Abortion was legal in a number of states way before 1973. The only thing that Roe v Wade did was legalize it on a federal level. Up until that time, it was up to each individual state whether abortion was allowed or not.

Here in California, Governor Ronald Reagan signed the Therapeutic Abortion Act in 1967. All a woman or girl had to do to obtain an abortion in those years before Roe v Wade was to get a psychiatrist to sign a form, saying that the pregnancy would be detrimental to the woman's emotional health. I know this for a fact because my mother had a legal abortion in a hospital in 1969.

When I became pregnant in 1971, the first thing the OB/GYN asked me was if my parents were willing to sign the consent form for me to have an abortion. He turned red in the face with embarrassment when he realized that I didn't want an abortion...

[Janeytwo]

Dear "Bumblebee",

I so love your screen name! I think I said this before but it reminds me of a field full of sunflowers which is a nice thought in the midst of the onset of winter up here!


Anyhoo...

I don't understand why she didn't just have an abortion.

Abortion and adoption don't have any connection to each other IMO. They are two different choices. The one thing that has always shocked me in here (and not meant as a judgement of ya Bumblebee - honest) but it's always rattled me how birthmothers are instantly merged with the abortion issue. Young unmarried, poor. Somehow it feels to me as if people think we are the only set of women who ever even had a thought about abortion. Not so. There are plenty of married women and single well-to-do women who've had that same thought and have acted on it. Especially I would bet back in the late 60's and early 70's when large families were still common in this country.

But that's just a personal observation.

As for why your birthmother may not want to have contact. I can't understand that at all, but that's just me.

I will say this though. It's very possible she was told back then that you would have no desire to find her and that she should just "get on with her life" and "forget about you". That was a common theme.

There could be other reasons; none of them are valid IMO. Whether she wants to have anything to do with you or not, whether she wanted to be a mother or not, in this day and age, in the now, she at least owes you some form of contact and/or explanation as to why she relinquished her rights to you.

But again, that's just my humble opinion.

I hope you find some peace with this.

Many hugs your way!

[cetalley]

BUMBLEBEE, I , AS A FIRSTMOM, WHO WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO REUNITE WITH MY TWIN SONS, WOULD LIKEN IT TO MORE OF A GUILT- SHAME TYPE POSITION. SHE MAY HARBOR, SEVERAL DIFFERENT EMOTIONS FROM HER PAST. Just because she wants nothing to do with a reunion now, does not mean it will stay that way. I am not condoning her behavior, but there are ALOT of emotions to relinquishing our children...each journey is soooo different and we all choose different methods to deal with it. Regardless you are worth so much more than what she has chosen to give you. Hang in there...we are all here for you!

[belleinblue1978]

Bumblebee,

My mom refuses contact as well, she wouldn't even provide medical history when my son was lying in the hospital dying. I don't understand it, especially since I have now placed a child, how come she isn't interested, but she just isn't.

For me, I can't sit around and question, all I can do is get on with my life and realize that she is the one that is missing out on knowing me.

[Janeytwo]

Belle,

Very well said! And you're right you know...the loss is hers.

Sigh....sometimes I just cannot understand what is wrong with people.

Hugs to ya!