[Jennasmom1990]

Where I last left off with what was going on in my reunion with J was when she was going to meet her bio-dad for the first time. I did not handle it well at all, and to be honest I spent most of that day fretting about it. It was compounded by the fact that I didn't hear much from J that whole weekend (she met with him on a Friday). When I finally talked to her she told me that things went very well and that she was happy with the way things were going. I pretty much left it alone because I am at this weird limbo stage with this reunion that she has going on with him. I am happy for her, but am disgusted at the whole darn thing. He has denied her for 18 years was the main cause of the adoption, and now with a simple dna test he decides that he wants to be dad of the year. UGH...it is hard for me to process it all.

Well every since her first face to face meeting with her bio-dad things between her and I have been weird, strained I guess would be a better way of putting it. She has pulled way back from me, and honestly I have let her. It makes me physically ill to think that she has welcomed him with open arms like she has, and yet she holds a very personal grudge against my mom, me and my family for putting her up for adoption. It seems like we are locked in a constant battle over this, so when she started pulling away I let her. All the battling was just getting to be too much.

I don't know maybe I was looking for a way to put the brakes on the reunion or maybe I was justified in the choice I made to put the brakes on the reuion..either way I put an end to our reunion on Monday of this week. I have been asking J for a few weeks now about whether or not she has seen her bio-dad outside of that first meeting, she has always said no. For whatever reason I have always felt like she was not being honest with me when she would answer that question. Finally I was just so tired ofr feeling like I was being lied to that I called her on it. And she confessed that yes she has seen him several times over the last few weeks. I was very hurt that she had lied to me about it, not that she was visiting with him but the fact that she lied to me about it several different times.

Quite the arguement ensued, when she began to tell me that she has meet and spent time with his family. Now keep in my mind this is the same child that told me that she wouldnt give my mom the time of day because she totally blames her for being put up for adoption. But yet she will welcome his family, the very family that pushed the idea of adoption on me, into her life with open arms. That really hurt me a lot, she then proceeded to tell me that my family would never have a place in her life and how much she is enjoying her bio-dad and his family. It was almost like she was goading me on and rubbing it in my face that him and his family is are only 16 miles versus my being 840 miles away.

She made it very clear to me that since her bio-dad has never married and never had anyother children she has become his world. That when she wants or needs anything he jumps to give or do it for her. She also reminded me of how I won't do that for her. She told me how much she loves the fact that she doesnt have to share him anyone that he is hers and hers alone. Then the big whopper...at least he didn't replace me by having other children. I had nothing to say to that comment, I mean really what could I say? She told me AGAIN how much she hates my raised daughter, and how tired she was of being made to compete with her. (all of that is in her head, that is something she choses to do...the competeing with my raised daughter.)

In my opinion she was as much looking for a way out of our reunion as maybe I was. She told me that she doesnt feel comfortable being in reunion with me if I can't accept her bio-dad in her life. I never said to her that I was not accepting of it, all I told her was to try to understand why I would never have the same warm fuzzies for him that she does. She then called me a lot of choice names because I refused to forsake my raised children for her.

At that point I just told her that because of her lies I just couldnt continue with the reunion. I have since found out about a lot of other lies she has told me. (she recently got a neew cell phone she calimed to have put it in her name well come to find out it is in her bio-dad's name. the thing that upset me is that now that she has contacted me from that phone when he gets the bill he will have access to my cell number. not that i think he cares enough to use but it burns that me he can if he wants, and she gave him the ability to do it. )

Then you have the deception going on where her amom has no idea that she has been talking to me again let alone having constant face to face visits with her bio-dad...GRRR...the lies and decpetion is just endless. I just couldn't take it anymore. I am hurt and feel like if she doesnt care enough about me to tell me the truth then why should we move forward? Reunion deals with a lot of heavy emotional issues and if she doesn't care enough about me to be honest with me then why should I be in the reunion at all? I don't want to be constantly pouring out my heart to her about my feelings to find out that she cant be honest with me about hers.

I think she said it all when she said that it is wonderful to have someone that her very own, someone that she doesnt have to share with anyone else. In my opinion it isnt realistic to think that anyone should be all your own, but unfortunately that is how her mind works. She does not know what it means to share or be a member of a family, and honestly I am tired of being in constant combat with her all the time. And the combat is about anything and everything if she can find a way to turn it into a battle she will. I am just not a combative person and it is very trying to constantly be in contact with someone that will fight with you about anything.

So for now I have put the brakes on this reunion. I have told her that I love and will always love her but until she can be as honest with me as I am with her I can't move forward with this reunion. I also told her that part of being to be back in reunion with me needs to include putting my role and her bio-dads role in her life back into perspective. And most importantly the constant and continual battle have to stop.

Only once those things have been done will I consider being back in reunion with her. It sucks and I hate that I have had to make this choice, but honestly I am at peace with it. I know that for now I am finally doing what is best for me, instead of allowing her to walk all over me out of my own guilt. So many of my actions in this reunion have been deeply based in the guilt of having placed her, but not anymore. I want to be free of the guilt and I want to be in reunion with someone that does not feel like they have to control me with the guilt. My peace in making this choice may not last forever, but if it lasts long enough for me to be able to get a better grip on all of this then so be it.

[JustPeachy]

Quite the arguement ensued, when she began to tell me that she has meet and spent time with his family. Now keep in my mind this is the same child that told me that she wouldnt give my mom the time of day because she totally blames her for being put up for adoption. But yet she will welcome his family, the very family that pushed the idea of adoption on me, into her life with open arms. That really hurt me a lot, she then proceeded to tell me that my family would never have a place in her life and how much she is enjoying her bio-dad and his family. It was almost like she was goading me on and rubbing it in my face that him and his family is are only 16 miles versus my being 840 miles away.

She made it very clear to me that since her bio-dad has never married and never had anyother children she has become his world. That when she wants or needs anything he jumps to give or do it for her. She also reminded me of how I won't do that for her. She told me how much she loves the fact that she doesnt have to share him anyone that he is hers and hers alone. Then the big whopper...at least he didn't replace me by having other children. I had nothing to say to that comment, I mean really what could I say? She told me AGAIN how much she hates my raised daughter, and how tired she was of being made to compete with her. (all of that is in her head, that is something she choses to do...the competeing with my raised daughter.)

Hmmm....I'd say she's in the honeymoon stage with b-dad and his family right now, and rubbing it in your face for sure. Personally, I'd want to stay out of the relationship that she has with him, which should be separate. Why would you want to re-live all that with him? Your daughter should keep that relationship separate and not compare. I would have made that clear to her. But I would venture to say that as she gets out of this idealized phase with her b-dad, she will be in some sort of conflict with him, too, as well as the extended family members. Time will tell, but it sounds like she has much difficulty with inter-personal relationships and is not very emotionally stable. She's idealizing him and putting him on a pedestal, but that is not realistic, and will likely take a turn when the reality sinks in. For instance, when she says she doesn't have to share him and he's "hers and hers alone" (that right there is creepy), what will happen when she wants his attention and he has plans with friends or other family members? What if he has a girlfriend or wants to take a lady out on a date?? Or work functions to deal with?? Won't that be competition for your daughter, too?

I will say, though, that she probably lied to you about seeing b-dad because she knew it would upset you. I would try to stay out of her relationship with her birthfather if you do have contact with your daughter in the future.

[cetalley]

I am a firstmom, yet to find my twin sons, whom are now 22. I wish so badly to reunite someday, at the same time dread the idea of not moving slow enough. This is what I hear time and again...slow...slow...slower! J is still very young and I think her actions are common for some in reunio, this is all new to her and with you she feels competative with her sister, with dad she has no competition. Please try to take a deep breathe and know she will come back to you..in time. You have laid the ground rules out, as soon as the "its all about me" thing wears down she will come around. In the mean time try to make this a time that is just for you to reflect. Keep up the faith, she will return, because she cannot help but to want to.

[dpen6]

The child is 18 and being pushed between aparents, biomother, biograndmother, biosisters, biofather, biofathers family and oh...has to figure out what it all means to her. Is being accused of lying , is being judged on how she is proceeding with HER life. Lets she is also at a point that she is suppose to figure out who she is, and what she is going to do with the rest of her life and also worry about the adults in her reunion...poor kid.

Yeah, maybe its a good idea to cool it...maybe she will have a chance to get herself togehther before she has to worry about others hurting because she was placed for adoption.

[Rylee45]

I'm so sorry you're having this kind of trouble with your daughter again.

I so totally understand the way you feel about the b-dad being in her life.

My daughter is so hell bent on having a relationship with her b-dad who wants NOTHING to do with her. It's like an obsession to her to find him again.

She met him when I first met her but because she was doing so many crappy things to all of us, HE bowed out and disapeared into the wild blue yonder just like he did when I was pregnant with my daughter. We haven't been able to find him anywhere. It's like he was abducted by aliens!

When she met me, she had already had kindled anger against me for keeping my other kids and not her. Although she knows the story of why she was given up for adoption, she still has "issues" that I didn't keep her anyway.

It's so hard for me to think about her wanting to have any kind of relationship with her b-dad because of what he did to me. She was just too much for him though when she met him.

Although he knew I was pregnant and telling everyone he was the father, he didn't believe she was. So, her coming into his life after his "forgetting" all about either of us because of his belief she wasn't his, was something that was bound to fail with the way she was acting and what she was doing to all of us.

I hope you can get through this. It's to bad that your daughter's b-dad is such a jack butt to go out of his way to make her part of his life now and be the "super dad" after HIM being the reason you didn't/couldn't keep her. It makes me sick and sad for you having to deal with that and having your daughter do this to you.

You're in my thoughts.

Rylee

[RavenSong]

Hi, Casandra...

You're probably not going to like what I'm about to say, but I'm going to say it anyway.

You need to take your own ego out of the relationship between you and your daughter. Reunion is not a stop-and-go proposition. It is an ongoing relationship, one with up's and down's to be sure. And as the full-fledged adult in this relationship, as well as the woman who brought Jenna into this world, it is your responsibility to take a good look at what's going on through Jenna's eyes.

Sure, you're angry as heck at her birthfather. And probably feeling hurt and jealous, as well. That's totally normal, IMO...birthmoms often get the blame for everything having to do with the initial adoption. But when you really think about it, it's not only birthmothers...it's all mothers. Women in our society often are the ones who must make the hard decisions when it comes to our children. And women are the ones who take the blame for just about everything. Jenna is still basically an adolescent, and it is totally normal for her to lash out at you. She's dealt with a lot of crap in her young life.

If I were you, I would seriously look back on my own life when I was a teenager. Try to get in touch with those feelings you had back then, the confusion, the anger, all those wonderful adolescent emotions. I know you can do this ~ I've read your blog, and you have a delightful memory of teenage behavior. After remembering your own teenage feelings and behaviors, think about Jenna. You know darn well that she is very much like you personality-wise. What is it in Jenna that you don't like because it reminds you of something you don't like in yourself?

I absolutely do not agree with starting up and then shutting down reunions unless and/or until the other person does what we want. You are the adult, you are her birthmother. Whatever decisions you make need to be done while keeping her best interests in mind. She's your child...and we never give up on them. We love them unconditionally, I hope. If you need to step back for a while, that's okay. But please don't just tell her the reunion is off...and then on again...then off again.

It takes a lot of patience when developing and maintaining a relationship with any adolescent, much less one who was relinquished as a newborn infant. Please don't use reunion as a threat to your daughter.

Jenna's relationship with her birthdad is what it is what it is. She instinctually knows that this is upsetting you. I don't see it so much as her lying to you, as much as I see it as her not wanting to make you any more uncomfortable than you already are. She has a right to get to know and love her birthfather. His genes are just as much a part of her as your's are. Please take a step backward, and try to see this thru your daughter's eyes.

I hope I didn't tick you off by writing this. A wise person once told me many years ago to "take what you need, and leave the rest."

[EZ2Luv]

No words of wisdom here just (((HUGS))) from an adoptee who only wished her bmom would have cared a tiny bit. You are a GOOD woman.

EZ

[RavenSong]

Casandra, I just read your other blog, "Riding the Reunion Roller Coaster". And I think you should re-read what you wrote on August 27th in response to Julie's question. I think Julie is right-on with her advice about validating Jenna's feelings and experiences. What you wrote on 8/27 is right on the money and worth a second look. You were on the right track...

[Jennasmom1990]

Raven, I did just re-read that post, and it made me cry because I know that there is still a lot of work I need to do with myself. But lying is the one thing I can't tolerate. The lies were not just about the visits with her bio-dad they were also about some other things...the biggest of which is...my 16 year raised daughter suddenly has quite a few things showing up on her credit, well when we probed the credit companies about them all of the credit that has been issued has been issued to the address where J now lives. She is paying the bills on it but still that is identity theft, and when I questioned her on it she had no idea how that happened. I also found out from one of her friends that she has a fake id with my raised daughters name on it, and when she took her new job at Hooters she went by the alias of Kate which is the nickname that we have for my raised daughter. She has dyed her hair jet black (just like the bio-dad's) and she has gotten brown colored contacts (despite the fact tha she has perfect 20/20 vision, so that she can have the same eye color that he has.) How would she not know that would upset me? If nothing else she is not being true to herself, by making all of these image changes so that she can look like him and not so much like me. Gosh that sounded really selfish...

Ok let me say this...she has such an identity issue and self-image issue why can't she just be who she is? I know that a lot of girls at this age change their features drastically, but just a few weeks ago she was in love with her looks and was so glad she looked so much like me. Now with the entrance of the bio-dad into the picture she is changing it all to attempt to look more like him. It really bothers me that she cant stay true to who she is, I would never have expected her to change her looks if she didnt look so much like me. Besides he tell her that she lloks nothing like me anyway so why does she feel the need to change her looks?

I just want her to be honest with herself, and everyone else. I just want the jealousy where my other daughter is concerned to lessen, I understand that it may never go away but it doesnt have rule her either. I want her to be able to understand the differences in the roles that her bio-dad and I will play in her life. I dont have to sit back and play second fiddle to someone that wouldnt even acknowledge her a month ago. ok again that was really selfish...

I just dont know, anymore. I love her and want her to be in my life, but at the same time I want her to accept me for who I am and the role that I play. That I did not replace her by having other children, that I love her just as much as the other children even though I didnt raise her. I am not her bio-dad, her amom, nor her adad...I am her biological mom and I need her for her to accept me in that role. Not in a role that is going to make me chose between her and my raised children, not in a role that is in constant competition with her bio-dad becasue he is not married and does not have anyother children, and not in role that makes me feel like her dirty little secret becasue when she is on the phone with me and her amom asks who she is talking to her reply is always a friend. I just want to be able to me in this reuniuon...I dont know how to be someone I am not, nor do I want to be someone I am not. I hope I am making sense whith this.

For now I have to go and run my little guy to the doctor but I will post more later.

[katlyn]

first of all ((((hugs))))
Every reunion is so different, it is hard to take one peice of advice and put it to work. I have found that I have learned much from everyone here, from adoptees to adoptive parents to other firstmoms. In my reunion I took all I learned and did the best I could. I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my firstdaughter. She is 22 now, but was 20 when I found her. She is a very mature 22 yr old, so I know this plays a HUGE part in our success so far.

Her bfather, like your firstaughters father, has never married, never had kids and in fact still lives at home with his mom. He denied her from the start. I found him so that I could give my fdaughter all his information in case she wanted to meet with him or talk with him. Do I like this idea??? Absolutely not! However, she must make her own mind up when it comes to that. All I can do is work on my relationship with her, to me, that is important. I know that her bfather will show his true colors to her eventually. No matter how much I'd love to tell her what kind of man he really is, I know that in the end, this could cause more damage to our relationship than it would bring good. Long story short, if you want that relationship with your firstdaughter, just do it at a pace that you can handle. Concentrate on the two of you, not the rest of the family or her bfather. This time should be about her first and foremost, then you....then everyone else when the time is right. I'm not saying to neglect your own children, just try to keep it simple right now. Does that make any sense at all???

Just don't give up...take a breather, get some space, but keep trying. I wish you all the best.

The child is 18 and being pushed between aparents, biomother, biograndmother, biosisters, biofather, biofathers family and oh...has to figure out what it all means to her. Is being accused of lying , is being judged on how she is proceeding with HER life. Lets she is also at a point that she is suppose to figure out who she is, and what she is going to do with the rest of her life and also worry about the adults in her reunion...poor kid.

Yeah, maybe its a good idea to cool it...maybe she will have a chance to get herself togehther before she has to worry about others hurting because she was placed for adoption.

dpen6....
Isn't this just a little harsh? I realise that you are coming at this from a whole other perspective than that of a firstmom. You are definitely right, she is young and going through much in her life, but lying shouldn't be acceptable in any case. I didn't see where she was accused of it though.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Jennasmom1990

Raven, I did just re-read that post, and it made me cry because I know that there is still a lot of work I need to do with myself. But lying is the one thing I can't tolerate. The lies were not just about the visits with her bio-dad they were also about some other things...the biggest of which is...my 16 year raised daughter suddenly has quite a few things showing up on her credit, well when we probed the credit companies about them all of the credit that has been issued has been issued to the address where J now lives. She is paying the bills on it but still that is identity theft, and when I questioned her on it she had no idea how that happened. I also found out from one of her friends that she has a fake id with my raised daughters name on it, and when she took her new job at Hooters she went by the alias of Kate which is the nickname that we have for my raised daughter. She has dyed her hair jet black (just like the bio-dad's) and she has gotten brown colored contacts (despite the fact tha she has perfect 20/20 vision, so that she can have the same eye color that he has.) How would she not know that would upset me? If nothing else she is not being true to herself, by making all of these image changes so that she can look like him and not so much like me. Gosh that sounded really selfish...

Ok let me say this...she has such an identity issue and self-image issue why can't she just be who she is? I know that a lot of girls at this age change their features drastically, but just a few weeks ago she was in love with her looks and was so glad she looked so much like me. Now with the entrance of the bio-dad into the picture she is changing it all to attempt to look more like him. It really bothers me that she cant stay true to who she is, I would never have expected her to change her looks if she didnt look so much like me. Besides he tell her that she lloks nothing like me anyway so why does she feel the need to change her looks?

I just want her to be honest with herself, and everyone else. I just want the jealousy where my other daughter is concerned to lessen, I understand that it may never go away but it doesnt have rule her either. I want her to be able to understand the differences in the roles that her bio-dad and I will play in her life. I dont have to sit back and play second fiddle to someone that wouldnt even acknowledge her a month ago. ok again that was really selfish...

I just dont know, anymore. I love her and want her to be in my life, but at the same time I want her to accept me for who I am and the role that I play. That I did not replace her by having other children, that I love her just as much as the other children even though I didnt raise her. I am not her bio-dad, her amom, nor her adad...I am her biological mom and I need her for her to accept me in that role. Not in a role that is going to make me chose between her and my raised children, not in a role that is in constant competition with her bio-dad becasue he is not married and does not have anyother children, and not in role that makes me feel like her dirty little secret becasue when she is on the phone with me and her amom asks who she is talking to her reply is always a friend. I just want to be able to me in this reuniuon...I dont know how to be someone I am not, nor do I want to be someone I am not. I hope I am making sense whith this.

For now I have to go and run my little guy to the doctor but I will post more later.

I can tell you that at 28 if i sensed that kind of neediness from my birthmom it would have shut down pretty quick. at 18 I have no idea what I would have done.

The point is that as much pain you may have about HER.adoption, she is NOT the one to heal it. She has her own issues to deal with and no daughter whjeter palced or not is responsible for 'Healing" mother.

I see a lot of issues with this young lady and to be frank I beleive you are just adding to her lack of healing. The mere fact that you have gone on to be married and have other chidren is huge...you HAVE been able to go on....she is where she is at because of circumstances way beyond her control. Let her become an adult within her own right.....

you are expecting way to much from her...leave her alone...let her grow...become a wife, mother, whatever she wants. Stop putting so much pressure on her to heal you, stop making her something YOU need....its not about you, its about her.

[Jennasmom1990]

Depend...

You know what I have a real issue with you, you seem to have had a h*rd on for me and my reunion since I began posting here. I ma not sure if it is because I am in reunion with with someone so young or if it is because I am in reunion at all. I get the very distinct inpression that you think birthmoms dont have any rights in reunion, and in my own opinion I think you are sadly mistaken.

I have the right to not be lied to, I have the right to expect respect just as much I give respect, I have the right to tell her when she is acting like a brat, and I have a right to not allow the guilt she throws at to rule me anymore...PERIOD! She may be 18 years old but I am tired of constantly using that as an excuse for her behavior when my 9 year old doesn't act like she does.

I did not go looking for this reunion, she found me. I lived 9 years of my life thinking she was dead, she knew she wasn't...I did not. I had barely gotten over the shock of knowing that she was alive and well when she jumped head first into a reunion I was not prepared for. And yes thank you very much I told her that at the time, and if you don't believe me go an read some of the earlier blog entries I have in my reunion blog. She has been very pushy about making me make a choice right then and there about being in reunion with her now or never being in reunion with her at all.

I have tried to let her go so that she can finish growing up before we try a reunion again and she won't have any part of it. She calls me all times of the day and night, threatens to never ever speak to me again, cries, cusses, and so on. I do not need her, I want her but only if it is going to be healthy for all of us. And yes I have to include my raised children in that scenario.

This is NOT all about her and ONLY about her. Darn it I have feelings too, and so do other people in my life. Why should we not be given the opportunity to talk about those feelings? She chose this reunion...she is the one NEEDING me right, and to be honest you are right it is too much to be needed by someone that much. Especially when there are other children involved.

What kind of a mother would I be to my raised children if I told them that their feelings in this didn't count that only her feelings counted? I can tell you right now that in my book that would make me unfit to be a mother at all. I have a lot of time and emotion investment in the children I am raising and I can't just dicount their feelings because it will make J feel better. Hell at taht point I just as well chose her over them. And before you reply with I have chosen her them over her, I can say that I havent done that either. When my raised daughter was having a hard time with J being in the picture I sat her down and had a very long talk with her about J's feelings. I am trying very hard to not be put into a position that I will be made to chose. But J is hell bent and determined to make me.

So NO depend I will not make this reunion about her and only her, I will not discount my own feelings or those of my other children. What I will do is continue to love her and try to get her to accept me for me and who she wants or thinks I should be. I will not conform for her nor do I expect her to conform for me. If she was the only person in my life then I would make this just about her but I do not have that luxury, and I love the children I am raising as much as I love her so I wont push them out of the picture either.

[katlyn]

Amen.....(((hugs)))
It is so hard to get across on here the things we want to convey, I wish you the best Casandra.

P.S. How's the little one???

[Jennasmom1990]

katlyn...

My little guy is fine, since there was no shcool today I scheduled his well child chekc and flu shot. Needless to say he was not impressed with that, but he is doing fine. Thank you so much for asking.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Jennasmom1990

Depend...

You know what I have a real issue with you, you seem to have had a h*rd on for me and my reunion since I began posting here. I ma not sure if it is because I am in reunion with with someone so young or if it is because I am in reunion at all. I get the very distinct inpression that you think birthmoms dont have any rights in reunion, and in my own opinion I think you are sadly mistaken.

No casendra its not because your in a reunion at all....Your posts trigger me to be honest. Its your lack of feeling for your child, you say you love her but really all I can see is how she is supoose to do for you.

I have the right to not be lied to, I have the right to expect respect just as much I give respect, I have the right to tell her when she is acting like a brat, and I have a right to not allow the guilt she throws at to rule me anymore...PERIOD! She may be 18 years old but I am tired of constantly using that as an excuse for her behavior when my 9 year old doesn't act like she does.

If she is being smart with her mouth ..as many 18 yo's are then yes you have a right to speak up and say that is unacceptable. She has the right to feel what she does and if you feel guilt then you need to deal with that. Stop comparing your raised children to her...thats not fair. They were not placed, she was. She is daughter but not really because she was raised differntly. Your raised kids don't have the same issues.

I did not go looking for this reunion, she found me. I lived 9 years of my life thinking she was dead, she knew she wasn't...I did not. I had barely gotten over the shock of knowing that she was alive and well when she jumped head first into a reunion I was not prepared for. And yes thank you very much I told her that at the time, and if you don't believe me go an read some of the earlier blog entries I have in my reunion blog. She has been very pushy about making me make a choice right then and there about being in reunion with her now or never being in reunion with her at all.

She is a teen ager for heaven sake.....she was looking to try to find herself. If in fact you can't or won't attempt to understand her as the adult then the reunion is going no where

I have tried to let her go so that she can finish growing up before we try a reunion again and she won't have any part of it. She calls me all times of the day and night, threatens to never ever speak to me again, cries, cusses, and so on. I do not need her, I want her but only if it is going to be healthy for all of us. And yes I have to include my raised children in that scenario. Maybe she does have some mental health issues and yes your other children need to be protected. but it is up to you to place the boundries that she needs. If you had raised her and she had mental health issues would you get her help?

This is NOT all about her and ONLY about her. Darn it I have feelings too, and so do other people in my life. Why should we not be given the opportunity to talk about those feelings? She chose this reunion...she is the one NEEDING me right, and to be honest you are right it is too much to be needed by someone that much. Especially when there are other children involved. You speciacally said you needed her to act in a way that was healing for you. You have expecatations on her that she is unable to give and if you are unable to give back to her then it rreally is appropriate...imo...to close it up. Pray that she gets the help she needs. You do have a support system, it sounds like she doesn't.

What kind of a mother would I be to my raised children if I told them that their feelings in this didn't count that only her feelings counted? I can tell you right now that in my book that would make me unfit to be a mother at all. I have a lot of time and emotion investment in the children I am raising and I can't just dicount their feelings because it will make J feel better. Hell at taht point I just as well chose her over them. And before you reply with I have chosen her them over her, I can say that I havent done that either. When my raised daughter was having a hard time with J being in the picture I sat her down and had a very long talk with her about J's feelings. I am trying very hard to not be put into a position that I will be made to chose. But J is hell bent and determined to make me. I have NEVER said that other children's feelings don't matter, if in fact you can't(or anyone for that matter) see the differnce then theri is really no empthy towrds the child struggling through teen years.(Yeah I know your 9 yo is more mature...so what) then it is really hopeless. There is NO reason for anyone to choose anything or anyone....that goes for adoptees being expected to choose between aparents and bparents or mothers expecting to choose between their children. Thats ludicrouis.

So NO depend I will not make this reunion about her and only her, I will not discount my own feelings or those of my other children. What I will do is continue to love her and try to get her to accept me for me and who she wants or thinks I should be. I will not conform for her nor do I expect her to conform for me. If she was the only person in my life then I would make this just about her but I do not have that luxury, and I love the children I am raising as much as I love her so I wont push them out of the picture either.

Reunion is very much a part of your life and a part of hers...the impact has been the most on her as she was rremoved from biology and expected to Conform as an infant...her young life change in ways that are NOT understand, and frankly not cared about. No you can not make it your whole life at this point and yes your other children are desrving of having their mother their totally...that why I have told you from the start to gently shut it down, give her the info she needs and move on. It sounds like it would be better for everyone.