[quantum]

Hiya all,
I just need to vent, and want to know if others have felt this way sometimes.

Today I sat in a BK watching my girls play while we were eating and just felt so tired.
So tired of carrying this emotional baggage of being a birth mother. Of the baggage of being silent for so many years. Tired of not knowing how to deal with my parents about this. Tired of it being so darn uncomfortable to talk to them about it.
Just tired. Just wondering what my life would have been like if I'd been 'normal'. If I hadn't had to think about this everytime I went to see a doctor. If I hadn't had to think about this everytime I started dating someone- when will I tell them? how will they react.
Tired of big silences between me and those who know.

Tired of wondering what my son is thinking about me, if he is thinking about me.

It's just feeling like too much. But it's there. And it isn't going away. Never has, never will.

[JustPeachy]

I get tired too. Tired of wondering if I will ever have a reunion, tired of being "in the closet" with some people and open with others, but still getting those uncomfortable silences, and no one hardly ever initiating a conversation about my son or acknowledging that he exists. I totally understand about the dating thing, too. Prior to meeting my husband, I had such a hard time telling boyfriends about being a birthmom. And it took me a very long time even to tell my husband. So, in short, I can totally relate!

[quantum]

Just to clarify, I am NOT dating right now! I am happily married!
I'm just feeling sorry for myself over the years.
And thanks JP! It's good to know I'm not alone in this.

[Monster]

Quantum,
I can totally understand how you feel my family is very closed mouths to my side of it and dateing seems to be you have polio or something..But as i have come to see it gets easier once you except it i guess think of it this way as you have said you have two beautiful children now and a husband who loves you for you and everything it involves, And as you know you think of your bson often with love, im sure he thinks of you it is in our nature to be curious and wonder about our lifes even as an adult, I get so tierd thinking im i doing enough for my life now i gave her up will she understand dose she love me, what will everyone think that i drive myself into insanity not worth it when you have a great family to look after, i look at life as a gift now and take nothing for granted. Im sorry kinda just rambled allot there but i guess all im trying to say is your not alone on these thoughts and i will keep you in my prayers keep your head up xoxo

[Rylee45]

I know what you mean. I've carried the baggage and get so tired of it too.

One thing that always got to me and still does sometimes is when I go to a doctor and get asked the question of how many children I have.

When I answer I feel the need to say, "I've had 4 but only raised 3." I could just say I had 4 and leave it at that but I can't. I always add that I only raised 3.

However, the very next question is, "Was the one you didn't raise a miscarriage?". I hate it. She didn't die, she just was raised by someone else. So I tell them she was given up for adoption.

The emotional draining sometimes of the baggage is overwhelming. I understand how you feel.

My thoughts are with you.

Rylee

[stinky_kitty]

Originally Posted by quantum

Just wondering what my life would have been like if I'd been 'normal'.

(((quantum)))) I feel you. I think about that quite often. I hate it.

[cetalley]

Quantum I send you {{{{{{HUGS}}}}, I too am so tired of carrying my hidden secret. Yes my wonderful groom and son have this knowledge, but still seems so lonely and exhausting. How many miles to go before we find peace?

[thanksgivingmom]

Ugh, I'm not even two years in yet (it will be two years a month from today!) and yes! Even I get tired of it already. I've never told a guy I was dating about Cupcake, but am facing the VERY terrifying reality of considering doing just that pretty soon....and yes, I hate it. I hate that there's always this, "There's something I need to tell you" - whether with roommates, partners, doctors, I've even felt compelled to tell my boss before (because of one emotional roller coaster ride).

It can just be so exhausting.....

And I'm only 26! I should be an infitnite ball of energy right???

[keds]

((((quantum)))) I am so with you. The silence can be deafening and WHY? It's not like this never happened but they all act like ostriches. I too see pictures of my raised kids going to prom, at college, happy, laughing enjoying their youth and think, what is it like to live out of the shadows? I recall being treated like I was from Mars or a serial killer - shhh don't talk about it.

I too have difficulty answering "how many kids do you have", with complete strangers on vacation I answer honestly after all, when will I ever see them again and it's a relief to tell the truth. but at home, lies, lies, lies. UGH! A funny story, the doctor that delivered my raised kids asked if I had any children before and when I said no he raised an eyebrow and asked "at least none that anyone will let you speak about?" A great man and a very good doctor.

One very good friend that I only recently confided in has told me that she couldn't accept the fact that I a) had premarital sex b) got pregnant and c) placed him for adoption. Needless to say we aren't friends any longer because a) she too had premarital sex b) I was with her when she made a very different decision and c) I refuse to judge her or anyone else for their choices. It's difficult but I'm all done with toxic relationships.

I hope you hear from your bson soon. It's hard wondering if they are thinking of you, especially since they are never far from our thoughts. The holidays are just around the corner so I'm hopeful we'll get together again soon.

Take care and I'll be thinking of you.
Kate

[Tigger27]

Sending big (((HUGS))) your way, Quantum.

I can relate as well to what you're saying.

[RavenSong]

Quantum, I hear you loud and clear. You're having one of "those" days. I have my fair share of them, too, my friend. That feeling of just being tired of the whole thing, of feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired...

I'm afraid that we'll always have days like this in our lives. Healing from the trauma, grief, and loss of relinquishing my son has not resulted in completely pain-free days for me. What it has done is to lessen the frequency of those days and to lessen the severity or intensity of the pain.

But some days, yes, I just get plain tired.

(((Hugs))) to you, my dear friend.

[hollyhunter]

Me too! I try very hard not to be defeated by my down days. The holidays make it hard too. We're here for ya!

[quantum]

Thanks guys! I needed this!
I guess so much of it is this thing with 'how many kids do you have?' And I say 'I have two daughters' or I talk about 'my two daughters'. And in my head I say 'AND MY SON WHO IS 23!'.
So frustrating.

[bromanchik]

I say three and drop it.

I know what you mean about being tired. It helps to have someone to rant to. I am big on ranting. It's like free association ranting. One thing leads to another, to another... If you want to rant to me...I'm available.

[hollyhunter]

I say "a son and a daughter". I get into conversations where we talk about pregnancy and birth experience and that goes ok. Its a real experience that I had and I'm not going to avoid talking when the subject presents itself. When people ask "how many kids do you have?" I say 2. They rarely go beyond that question anyway. I say neither live with me if it does. They mostly want to talk about their kids and I encourage them to do so as I love kids.If the conversation is about raising a daughter I don't give any feedback, let others talk. No one ever has a problem with being allowed to talk about their kids thats for sure! If its about raising a son I can contribute more than they want to hear! You have 2 daughters and a son whose 23 that doesn't live with you. Those are facts and no one would think anything about it. Like the old saying goes, "you wouldn't worry about what people thought of you if you knew how little they do"(I mean people we meet casually of course!) . Its really OK to have down days as we all do. Just go with it and better days will come for sure.