[bluebell63]

I placed my little boy for adoption almost seven years ago now. His birth was completely unexpected, but I won't go into that here; the father had gotten married to someone else several months before I delivered, and had always said he did not ever intend to become a father, so to this day he does not know about his child. My family doesn't know either; I had always told myself that if my mom passed away then I would tell my dad, but he died of cancer this summer. I'm UK based, and there is no such thing as open adoption here in that the birthmom does not choose the adoptive family; I did meet my son's new parents when he was five months old, and they agreed to exchange letters and photos twice a year, but I told my social worker I didn't want to do this any more two years ago because it simply hurt me too much.

Does anyone have any advice on how I cope with this? I know I have helped two great people have a family, and I know I would never have been able to cope on my own with no moral support, so why is this still hurting me after all this time?

[quantum]

Hi bluebell, welcome to the forums.

Why does it hurt so much? Because this baby was a part of you for your entire pregnancy.
I relinquished in 1985, I felt I did the right thing, I still feel like I did the right thing (in some ways) but it's hurt.
For me, the hurt never went away entirely.
It's helped a lot to talk about it. I wish I'd gotten therapy to help me deal with the aftermath, but since I was told to 'move on and forget about it' I didn't get therapy.

It's ok that it hurts. It should get easier to deal with.

Is there anyone you can talk to? This is a good place to explore your feelings and help you to cope. This is a really difficult path to go on alone.

Others will probably put it better, but you need to allow yourself to grieve. Even though it was a choice of sorts, you have experienced a huge loss.

Share your story, perhaps that will help?

[JustPeachy]

Even if it is your choice, and it is the right choice, as it was for me, it still hurts. Counseling helped me a lot, and I've also had a semi-open adoption. The pictures and letters always helped me to cope better. Sometimes it was a bittersweet feeling, but for me, it was much better for me to see what he looked like and how he was doing overall, than to not have any sort of communication. This didn't trigger terrible sadness in me as it has for you, and I'm sorry that it hasn't helped you to get the communications. Is counseling an option for you? Have you told anyone about this, such as close friends or other family members? I would encourage you to keep coming here and just let your feelings out. That can be a great relief to know you are not alone.

[geogdeb]

Bluebell,

I am so sorry you are hurting. I am also angry at a society that still doesn't get it. I relinquished 29 years ago and have since reunited with my son, and still hurt. I don't want to sound negative or to hurt you more, but you can't expect to ever get over this. However, you can come here and get support and understanding which will make it easier to bear. And you can get therapy which also helps. So although I don't think the pain ever goes away, it does get a little easier to deal with. And you learn to accept yourself more.

As far as contact with your sons aparents is concerned, I can't advise you. My sons adoption was totally closed and I would've loved to know where he was and what he looked like and how he was doing. But we all handle this in different ways. I just wish that social workers would understand and be more helpful in finding ways for us to either parent or deal with the aftermath instead of telling us to go home and forget and be grateful we have helped loving parents have a child.

Bluebell, you have suffered a great loss! You lost the right to parent your own child. Even though you did a very selfless thing, putting the interests of your baby over your own, and according to society you should feel good about it- how can you?!? You suffered a tremendous loss! You need to aknowledge this and let yourself grieve and get the help and support you need. Then maybe you can open yourself back to your son and his aparents and enjoy knowing about him.

Please let me know if I can help.

Deb

[bluebell63]

Thanks, Quantum - it really does help to know there are people who understand.

My story? In a nutshell, my son's birth father and I had known each other online for a number of years before meeting in person; we met up several times over the course of a year and a half, and it was during the second of these meetings that I fell pregnant. Yes, I had been using contraception, but I had also been taking echinacea for a cold at the time and had no idea that it lessens the effectiveness of the contraceptive pill. Not to put too fine a point on it, I'm a plus size lady, so I didn't look any different figure-wise, and I continued menstruating throughout my pregnancy; when I went into labour, I honestly thought it was my appendix acting up, and I only found out what was really happening once I'd gotten myself to the emergency room. I was in a horrendous state of shock, but I knew even so that I could never keep the baby; as I said in my initial posting, the birthfather had married someone else since our last meeting, and I knew I could not raise a child on my own. Getting in touch with my family was not a viable option - my mom is very judgemental, and I simply couldn't have hoped for any kind of moral support from her. The social worker at the hospital was the most wonderful lady - very calm, non judgemental, talked to me for most of the morning. I left the hospital a day and a half after giving birth, against the docotors' advice - I lost a lot of blood during the delivery, and had more stitches than I really wanted to think about - but at the time I was working in a residential school, and if my employers had known what had happened I would have been fired. (as it was, a lot of people were saying I looked like death, but I told them I'd had an ovarian cyst and luckily they believed me) This happened a week before the end of the September term, and I spent Christmas with my family a week and a half later; there were so many times when I wanted to just take my father aside and tell him what had happened, but I couldn't make myself do it. My greatest regret is that dad passed away four months ago, and I never got to tell him he had another grandson.

[bluebell63]

Geogdeb, thank you so much for these kind words. I know I won't ever get over this entirely, but up until now I have just felt so alone with all this. If there's any way we could exchange email addresses and correspond privately, I would really like that.

[quantum]

((((bluebell))))
Thank you so much for sharing your story.

What a horrible thing to happen to you. Because of the suddenness of how you discovered your pregnancy, you didn't get the luxury of time to weigh your options. Argh! Or at least get used to the idea of your choice.
I didn't find out officially that I was pregnant until I was 6 months along.

You are not alone. Don't know if that is any comfort whatsoever! But unfortunately it's true.

Hang in there. Talk, read, ask questions.

[JustPeachy]

Oh, my! I cannot imagine your shock when you went to the ER and discovered you were about to give birth! That adds a whole other difficult element to all this. And the fact that you've had to keep it secret, not only from family, but your employer, and just go on only days later as if nothing had happened. My heart goes out to you!

I'm assuming you haven't really been able to discuss this with anyone in 7 years. I think it is so important to be able to talk about it. I'm not sure if counseling is an option or readily available to you, but it is something I would reiterate doing, if it is possible. Also getting your feelings out in writing can help. I keep a journal for stuff like this.

I hope you will find this site helpful, too. Many others (myself included) have.

[bluebell63]

I'm already finding this site helpful, Peachy - if only for the fact that there are people who understand and don't condemn me for what I did. ::hugs back::

[cetalley]

Aww bluebelle lots of hugs I am sending, you most definately have a place to come vent. I understand not being able to tell your Dad. My Father pasted away 10 yrs ago and did not know I relinquished twins. He was the best Father and always emphasized honesty and love, I too failed miserably with him. I moved away from all family and no one knew I relinquished besides the Firstfather to twins , my son, and now my current groom of 10 yrs. Not being able to go backwards, somehow makes it hard to move forward, Yes? But yet we are told one must deal with the past to go forward...I have yet to do this, and frequently call this PERGATORY...in pergatory one can not move forward or back, you are just stuck..sort of in your own hell. Please keep coming here, we all are here to listen...I will say a special prayer for you and send this with Peace and Serenity

[Lynner1964]

Dear BlueBell:

i am an adult adoptee who is from a closed adoption. It sounds as though that is what you would prefer (you mentioned you didn't wish letters or pictures anymore). I have to give you my perspective as an adoptee. I remember as a little girl being scared to death that someone was going to come and take me back to my birth parents. I always knew I was adopted and have an incredible family that I am blessed with. I think open adoptions are hard for the child. I know that it may be easier for some birth moms but from a child's perspective it's confusing and scary. I admire your ability to step back and allow your childs family, to be just that, his one and only family. It's ok to cut off ties and do what you need to do for you. I wish you the best and may God bless! Lynne

[stinky_kitty]

Originally Posted by Lynner1964

Dear BlueBell:

I know that it may be easier for some birth moms but from a child's perspective it's confusing and scary.

I think that is a pretty broad statement to make. I know a lot of people who have open adoptions and it is not scary and confusing for their children. JMO.

[Lynner1964]

kitty: I am not here speaking for all adoptees. I am simply one child of adoption, speaking from my own personal perspective. I am a very well adjusted adult who has positive experiences about my adoption. The only thing that I ever recall negatively was a fear that someone would show up at my doorstep and make me leave my parents, the people I love and adore. This of course was a stage and had I shared this fear verbally with my parents, I'm certain it would have been taken care of. As with all my posts, I do not mean to speak for anyone else, nor could I, all I have are my own experiences. God Bless! Lynne

[cetalley]

It is a fact that MOST adopted children and FirstMoms have a fear of loss, rejection or both. It is said this stems from mom and child being connected with umbilical cord and then being detached and seperated. I do not know if this is true , especially for each of us, it is different. I for one believe that if parents, natural or adoptive, do their job with all they are capable..a child needs never to feel so insecure that he or she may be "taken" away...this seems to indicate lack of security...Why? I do not have the answer, maybe only so- called experts do! However back to the original post, I am a Firstmom and can identify with her in respects to her child, MOST children whom were adopted have a desire at some point in their lives to know of their origins and history, Please never close the door .....

[cetalley]

Lynn as we can appreciate all points of the triads view, I beleive you missed BlueBells issues....I do not think they were to close a door on her child. I think her point , in my view , was that she deeply misses her Father, and not being able to have confided in him and alas has no one left she feels she can confide to. She has stopped being in her childs' life by choice , for now, because feelings are not in the right place for open adoption. I do not get one clue from her post that she has decided to "leave " her child alone for his own good. Please lets have some respect for her feelings as a Firstmom and the Loss her her confidant...her Father. I think BlueBell is feeling quite lonely and needs all of us to understand where she is at now...in this time...Blue we are here..... JMHO!