[Rylee45]

I have a question to adoptees in reunion about their contact with their birth/first families.

How many of you "pull back" for long periods of time (more than a month even if she contacts you) or just stopped contact with your birth/first family altogether?

For those of you who have done that, what is your biggest reasons for doing so?

Also if your birth/first mom didn't do anything at all that should cause the relationship to stop but you just stopped it or don't contact her as much even though she may really want the contact, why do you not keep regular contact?

I'm just curious about this because of my daughter and not understanding her actions. She'll go months sometimes with no word at all and then suddenly there she is emailing me or IM'ing me and I don't know how to react. Or she'll be contacting me everyday for awhile and then suddenly stop for a long time with no explaination whatsoever.

I do my best not to contact her but I do answer her when she contacts me. I had planned on just not communicating with her at all but I love her even though she hurts me so often by the length of time she goes before she contacts me at all and I just can't not at least answer her.

She won't answer my emails or IM's that's why I've stopped trying to contact her and just wait for her. I used to sit on at my computer checking for emails from her all day long and get so depressed about not getting one. Now I only check it occasionally and she still isn't writing.

Although I know your situations are different than mine, I would like your views and opinions about this. I really am interested.

Rylee

[Dickons]

Rylee,

I have not 'pulled back' in my reunion, but I do pull back in most of the relationships I have (or had). The only reason for the pull backs are that I just cannot reach out at that time, no specific issues or words created the pull back it just is. And then of course there is guilt because of the pull back which compounds the issue because then you delay further.

I think in my case it is a kind of protection mechanism, so that if they 'go away' I don't have as much invested.

Haven't found a way to stop myself from doing this competely, even though I can recognise I am doing this for no apparent reason while it is happening.

Kind regards,
Dickons

P.s. Do not stop sending notes, simply do not push her to reply at all. Keep it open, just whats happening, or a funny, etc, it provides positive (I'm still here when you are ready) to the negative thoughts (everyone will go away) that tend to creep in.

[winter444]

I would keep sending emails every so often to your daughter, maybe just keep it light, how are you etc. keep the door open.
I am an adoptee in contact with bdad and I have to admit I do pull back, it all becomes just too much and I feel upset and want to run. My bdad asks me if I'm okay and he was worried I hadn't called but at times I just can't do it.
For me I think it's almost like I'm actually grieving for him and what could have been and I can't face it.
I don't know why your daughter goes for long periods without emailing you, there could be lot's of reasons but I totally understand how difficult this is for you not knowing why.
Maybe you could ask her if everything is okay? Just go with your heart on what to say.
When I was in contact with my bmom I wouldn't hear for weeks and weeks and it drove me almost insane so I say just go with your instincts. Many hugs.

[BlackSheep]

I am an adoptee in reunion-14 years- and also a birthmom in search. I have found that throughout the years that both my bmom and I pull away from each other at times. Not intentional, but life gets in the way. I notice that I too, pull away from my afamily. I believe that this is a reaction to or reflex to trying not to get hurt by someone leaving. Also, testing to see if the other person will still be there when I return. I guess it's testing to see if they really love me the way they say they do.n Hard to explain and I feel that I'm rambling.

I hope you will continue with your emails to your daughter and know that she really needs you as much as you need her, but is having a hard time showing it. She may also be getting pressure from others about continuing the relationship with you and is feeling torn. The fact that she keeps coming back indicates that she does need you.

I wish you alll the best and God bless you both.

[tweg1]

I feel your pain,I too am in the "pull back" stages of reunion with my birthson. He is 33. He and his girlfriend have only one cell phone and it is "her phone".She does not answer when I call. I have written several letters and have gotten no response for over a month. At the beginning of August there was a voicemail and nothing since. I just don't understand the "no communication" that happens. Not even a quick note or call that says I am busy, Or I need time or whatever the case may be. It is soo hard as a birthmom to wonder when or if I will hear from my child again.

[JustPeachy]

Rylee, as you know, I'm a bmom, but I'll answer your question as regards my situation. My son and I are not yet in reunion but still trying to communicate through a mediator. Right now, the communication is one way--me sending updates to him. He gladly accepts them, indicates he wants to email, but hasn't followed through. I do have identifying info as his parents provided this to me willingly and with his knowledge (again through the mediator), but then he didn't release the info to me for several years. Technically, I could call them up or email directly, but I don't because I would like for him to make the move when he is ready. And I've been waiting almost 2 years.

I don't know if it's pullback, he has cold feet, is unsure, or what (he could be a terrible procrastinator, just like me!), but I feel when the time is right, it will be and if not, then that's OK too. I want him to be ready and at a place where he is comfortable.

In your daughter's case, given her upbringing, she is bringing serious issues to the table on top of "normal" reunion issues. I think she needs counseling around this, and also to mature more. If you want to maintain ties, I would drop a light note every so often to let her know you are thinking of her, but understand even with grown kids who were raised in their bio families, and are happy/healthy, it is probably not all that unheard of to go for long stretches without talking, especially if they are living in another state or lead busy lives.