[Rylee45]

I know we talk about a lot of things that we as birth parents/first parents were told and lied to about and the emotional things that we've gone through but I've been thinking about this too lately.

What kind of things do you feel were wrong with the adoption process and the way things went and the things you were told that you didn't expect or that didn't go like you were promised etc?

I'm just wondering how many adoptive parents feel hard emotions about adoption even though they were able to adopt a baby.

I hope no one minds that I ask these questions when they come up. I really want to understand the feelings and situations and such that everyone has gone through. It helps me in some ways to be able to deal better with some of the stuff I've gone through.

I know that as a birth parent I (at least when I was forced to give my baby away felt this way) believed the adoptive parents were pretty much God's and Goddesses who were the best people, rich, etc etc and could do no wrong for my baby.

Pretty much on a pedestal way above me.

I know some stuff I've read that adoptive parents in the past in the closed adoption era when my baby was given up were told that we (birth mothers) were tramps and a lot of other horrible things and the babies would be "clean slates" to work with etc.

Were any of you ever told that about the baby you adopted?

Rylee

[Leigh131313]

The agency I worked with absolutely did NOT give any stereotypes of birthparents. I was disapointed with them in other aspects. We had 2 failed matches previous to M being with us and I was absolutely disgusted with the lack of care/concern/councelling they gave to one of those emom's. Especially since we were matched when she was five months pregnant (that's a whoooole lotta time for them to have established a relationship with her!!)

I was also disapointed with the lack of personal care they gave. For instance - during that long match, we were given a social worker who THEY KNEW would be on holidays 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after her due date. When I asked for someone to take over who would actually BE THERE when the baby was born - I was told that was impossible. I was concerned how having a stranger would feel for the emom, she's one of those people who takes a while to warm up to you.

I was also FURIOUS when M's birthmom did not get her phone calls returned after she placed with us. I even contacted our worker directly regarding it - but still they never called her back.


My BIGGEST problem - our agency is considered the best agency in our province. From my experience with other aparents who have used other agencies - it probably is. So it's like which bag of crap do you want to buy? The stinky bag or the REALLY stinky bag?

So we went with the stinky bag again for our second adoption.

[Rylee45]

I don't think the agencies ever care about the people they are trying to match up or about the birth mother or anything. I think it's ALL about money. They don't care the heartache it causes anyone.

Although I am not one who is for adoption (because of the horrible things that happened with my daughter that I was forced to give up) I do know that people who want a family and want to adopt do go through heartache and pain when the adoption doesn't go through or the matches don't happen.

I hate that there has to be so much pain involved in the process to adopt or to be the one giving up a child. I wish there didn't have to be so much pain involved in it.

Did the agency ever get back with your daugther's birth mom? Are you in contact with the birth mom where you are able to talk to her one on one? Just curious about that.

Rylee

[Leigh131313]

No, the agency did not ever contact her.


We are in a fully open adoption - so yeah, we've talked about it. Not lately - it's just not an issue for her anymore - but the first few months we did.

Personally, I'm ok with failed matches. That's a risk I know about going into the process. Is it hard? Yup, but nothing in life is easy. I'm not out to take any baby at any cost - I want to have a good relationship with the emom/bmom and know that they are content (as much as humanly possible) with their decision. I'm sure there will always be certain regrets or what-if's for a bparent, but I want to know that when my child was placed in my arms it's because that is where the bmom wanted him to be.

[Rylee45]

I"m glad you have the attitude you have. I'm sure a lot of other people have the same attitude about not wanting to make sure the birth mother is really choosing to give the baby to them and not being forced to do that.

I know there are people out there (my daughter's adoptive parents were some of those people) who will do whatever it takes to get a baby and not give a crap about me and what I went through.

When my daughter had her first baby and I was able to be there to see him being born, my daughter's adoptive mom told me that I should have died as soon as "her daughter" was born because I was nothing and that my daughter was hers not mine.

It was horrible. It was something that hurt me SO bad. What should have been a wonderful experience turned into a nightmere I will NEVER forget and will probably never get past it because of how much it hurt to hear that from someone I was promised would love me for giving them such a "precious gift" (even though I had nothing to do with where my daughter went).

I'm glad that you care about your daughter's birth mom and that you believe the way you do about not wanting a birth mom to give her baby to you if she isn't absolutely sure it's what she wants to do. I think that's wonderful.

Rylee

[mom2nathan]

Rylee--

My husband and I adopted our son in March of this year. I'll be completely honest since you've asked for that...as we were going through the process, I hoped to find a firstmother who wanted a closed adoption. I didn't know if I could handle having that presence in my life and my son's life. That was due to my own insecurities and feeling like I would never be the "real" mom. Having adopted a baby whose firstmother chose to have a pretty much closed adoption, I found that I was devastated. I had no idea that I would feel this way until it happened. I felt such a loss that my son would never get to know his firstmother. We got to meet her a few days after she delivered her baby. She was unsure about whether she wanted to meet us or not. When we did meet her, her fear was that we would think badly of her for some issues that she had. I couldn't have felt more love for her than I did. I'm actually getting tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I still hope that she will change her mind and want to have a relationship with us some day, but if she doesn't we respect her wishes.

I agree that adoption for the agencies is all about money. We were "courted" by the agency until the birth. After that, we could barely get anyone to call us back. The social worker has seemed to have disappeared from the agency. It's been pretty frustrated. You pay so much money during the process and it seems that this is all that matters to the agency.

I sincerely hope that I haven't offended you by being honest about my feelings.

[Rylee45]

Oh my, NO, I'm not offended. I asked the question and I really want honesty and feelings.

Sometimes (for me at least) I've had a hard time in feeling any sympathy or love for adoptive parents. In my life since meeting my daughter and seeing how her adoptive parents hated me, wished I had died when "their daughter" was born and all that, I have very much hated people who adopt babies.

All I've felt is they are just out to get a baby at ANY cost because their pain was so great losing their own baby by miscarriage or however they lost their baby or never able to get pregnant they grab at these young uninformed girls and didnt' care about their feelings of giving their baby up or the pain they'd go through.

Since being in this group I've learned different and I know not ALL adoptive parents are baby grabbers who don't care about the birth/first mom. That's why I'm so glad I am here and the questions I ask are honest and ones I really want to know.

It doesn't matter what anyone says (as long as it's not attacking me or someone else) if it's honest and what someone feels when answering the questions I ask, that's what I want to hear.

Thank you for sharing your story and situation and feelings.

Rylee

[kindredspirit]

Rylee,

I am so glad to have come across this post. I too am looking and questioning. I am both a birthmother and adoptivemother but it seems that unlike most birthmothers on this site, I do not look at adoption in a negative way. But as an adoptivemother, I see what some people do just to get a baby that makes me sick.
(Yes I am an adoptivemother but I treat all birthmothers with respect.)

The one thing that really upsets me is that some adoptive parents will have more than one birthmother lined up and not tell them this. Then as soon as the first one gives birth, they lie to the others to get rid of them.

I have others but not sure if anyone wants to hear them.

Nice to know you want to hear from both sides.

[lovemy2boys]

We had a very good experience with our agency, and a very good view of adoption, firstparents, expectant parents, etc...from the get go...

It was AFTER the adoptions that our views of agency assistance, etc. became slightly jaded, and then after joining these boards where I realized that there were extremely unethical things that do happen out there.

I've debated on whether or not to share this story because I don't want to make this out to be something against one of my boys' firstmoms because we've gotten past this, and we really have forgiven her for this...but this is what led to the breakdown between us and our agency.

We had a very difficult time in our OA with one of our boys' firstmoms - but it was always stuff that we felt was "workable" if you know what I mean - nothing that put our son in danger...when our agency asked how things were, we said that OA was challenging, but we were working through it and we were doing fine...

Well, in the meantime, our other son's firstparents, who were still together after he was born, went through what must have been an extreme breakup when he was a year and a half...Our son's firstmom called us (we didn't know that they broke up) and told us that they had just broken up because he (firstdad) decided that he and his mom wanted our son back and that since he didn't turn 18 until a week after the baby was born, all rights went to his mom (like I said - our son was 1 1/2 at this time, and had been with us since birth)...and that they were going to the agency that day to talk about getting our son back, and if the agency said no, they were going to come to our house and forceably take him...so she was very concerned for us and we should leave our home immediately because he was on his way to get our son.

Well, at that moment, the agency was calling us telling us that firstdad had come in causing trouble and they wanted to know what was going on...it was sheer terror for us.

Well, it was all a lie...the reason why he was at the agency was because she had told him that we were closing the adoption on him and allowing her new bf to take his place as our son's firstfather (don't get that but we had more important issues to deal with). The reason why she said all the stuff to US was to get back at him.

Soo, we turn to our agency, who blames US for not being more in charge of our OA's...WHAT?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? And the worst thing about it was that THIS lovely little tidbit was expounded to me as I sat as a speaker on an OA board...and I was shamed in front of all these people because if I couldn't set boundaries with the firstfamilies, how was I supposed to be a successful parent? I was humiliated, and was told in no uncertain terms that I was to pull back on BOTH adoptions, pics and letters only, no physical contact, and not to offer any explainations...

So I did...and then all he** broke loose. And we were in a no win situation...until I found this place and took my power back.

And it's taken alot of time, and a great deal of reflection to see where we did go wrong and to see that this was NOT OUR FAULT...and to realize that we had to let go and let God...and that even though a great injustice was done to us...hearing the worst possible thing that an adoptive parent could hear...we ultimately realized that it came from a place of pain, and was something that could be forgiven..of course, it took a couple of years to do so - it was not instant, and she had to earn our trust back. And I have. And I've forgiven our SW, and the men and women who sat there and judged me (some verbally, some silently). And we took control of our own OA's...and they are now pretty darn good.

Yikes! Sorry to make this so long...it's kind of like confession! I don't think I've shared that story with anyone (and I know my DH hasn't!). And Rylee - it's very hard to not paint people with the same brush when you've been through something as horrible as you have. It's hard to see the "good" in things like adoption when you've been through one as bad as yours...but it's wonderful to read your posts and to see how you are opening your heart and quite possibly letting some of us in!

[minibus]

I didn't agree with some of the views of the worker who talked with our children's birthmother (either of the birthmother or of our children). However, I have to respect her rights as a birthmother and an adult to make or not make the choice to make / follow through with an adoption plan. I can only do what I can do.

In saying that, I think that we have established a fairly good (voluntary - not legally binding - on both sides) relationship with her in the two months since we met her. We email on a fairly regular basis, and I will ALWAYS talk to the kids about how she is an important part of ALL our lives. We will follow through with what we have promised her and will do whatever we can to maintain a positive relationship with her. We know that she loves the kids and made an adoption plan because of her love for them.

The worker who worked with our children's birthmother also promised us some things that she didn't follow through on until I persisted endlessly. I don't know the view that she has on adoptive parents, either, and I don't think I necessarily want to know!

[Rylee45]

You know, it almost seems the adoption agencies fit in the same catigory as lawyers! They can't be trusted.

I always thought that the agency was only being devious and lying to the birth mothers to get their babies from them.

Until I came to this group and started asking questions and also reading other's comments about their situations and experiences, I never realized that adoptive parents were also lied to and promises not kept to them.

I'm learning SO much here. Thank you guys for continuing to answer my questions when I ask. Also thanks for all the other people who contribute and talk about their situations and things going on. It helps me so much and I'm SURE everyone here is helped in some particular way that makes a difference to them in either their thinking about adoption and the things that really happen or help comfort knowing we're not alone (no matter the side of the triad everyone has need of comfort and knowing they aren't alone in what they are going through).

That is the thing I love so much about this group.

Rylee

[jp4ga]

My hope going into adoption was to have an open adoption and a good relationship with the bmom/firstmom of our adopted child. Our experience has been horrible. Our lives were investigated by the adoption agency, dfacs and we had to complete a ton of paperwork which is understandable. We were truthful in all aspects. However, the young lady who gave birth to our daughter was not honest. She lied about everything on her application. She also placed the baby, then took the baby back prior to termination not one time, but two times. We were contacted about a 2 week old newborn but the agency did not tell us the mother had placed two times and then took the baby back. If we have been told this we would have passed because this was a high risk adoption. Well we did not know, so we accepted placement. This time the mom came back but it was after her time to change her mind, so we had to go to court. In court we were made out to be baby snatchers. We were not, she was a scammer and got money from 3 different adoption agencies for expenses. The courts ruled in our favor and terminated her rights. We are trying to work on an open adoption but she calls almost daily, and does not like the pictures and letters we send. We send these items one time a month, but she wants them weekly. We want an open relationship, but we do not trust her. We know that most bmoms are not like this, but we are struggling on how to build this relationship since we have been hurt so much by her actions. Court was not only a financial burden for us it was an emotional roller coaster for 6 months.

[zxczxcasdasd]

This might be a slightly different animal, but my post-adoption "complaint" is that there is no support, no education, no counseling, no nada for stepparent adoption. Nearly all other forms of adoption entail some sort of education or classes or support system or licensure, but for stepparent adoption the entire system is strictly legal and entirely adversarial. The whole process is "let's see if the biological parent is baaad enough to get terminated" and "let's see if you're good enough that you get what they had!" Fill out some forms, talk to an investigator, then show up in court to hear a judge declare that the biological parent no longer deserves any rights to their child and that you do.

The whole system left me with my "dukes up", a load of resentment towards her (after all, we had just gone through a thorough listing and proving up of all the reasons she was awful) and somewhat equal feelings of superiority (I deserve him and she doesn't...they said so) and insecurity (she's mad and someday it's going to come back up and probably won't be pleasant for anyone involved...but I'm mad too so I'll have plenty to say as well).

Lovely, huh?

Seriously, I came here with my adoption head so far up my tuchas I didn't know which end was up. Birth parents=scary irresponsible angry people, right? That's what I learned from my stepparent adoption.

At least I had sense enough to know that that was not where I wanted to stay emotionally and there was probably a bigger picture out there somewhere, and that it would be behove me to see if there was some way I could hear from some birth parents and get a different perspective. My profile says my reason for being here is "hear birthparent stories"...that's what I wrote when I registered and it was the truth.

I did...and I learned. A LOT.

So now, it frustrates me that the stepparent adoption is what it is and does what it does. It promotes and sustains adversarial relationships. Yuck. I'd really like those stupid years of my life back. It would be much more pleasant to have known what I know now, then.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

Sometimes (for me at least) I've had a hard time in feeling any sympathy or love for adoptive parents. In my life since meeting my daughter and seeing how her adoptive parents hated me, wished I had died when "their daughter" was born and all that, I have very much hated people who adopt babies.

Rylee,
Given your experience how could you feel otherwise about you daughter's adoptive parents? Are they religious? How can they live with themselves?

[ourdreamcametru]

We adopted our daughter at birth 4 years ago and to be quite honest we told her birthmother upfront that we did not want any contact other than pictures once a year. This attitude came from our parents attitudes towards open adoption. They grew up as you said, being told, think birthmothers were tramps. After the first year DH and I decided that we did want a relationship with our daughter's birthmother and we now have a very loving relationship. We have never told our families that we see "E" and her family because we know they will never understand and will make a big deal of it.
Our adoption was a privite domestic adoption so we only used an attorney, no agency so we were not told any horrible things.