[xcammiex]

I was just wondering if I'm the only one who has a problem with it. My support group uses the term and even this forum does and it drives me crazy! I use first mother for myself or sometimes just mother. I don't know if it's because I'm fighting in court to get my son back or what. I think I don't like it because I feel like it defines my importance by just a single event. Does anyone else feel this way?

[Rylee45]

To me birth mother is all I've ever known. That's what I've been called since giving my daughter up for adoption in 1976.

I don't personally have a problem with it because of that but some of the other terms I've read now and then I get bothered by but not enough to get upset about them anymore.

Rylee

[FatherOfOne]

I dont see why it is an issue. Are you or not the birth mother?

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by FatherOfOne

I dont see why it is an issue. Are you or not the birth mother?

I think there are a lot of people who feel like it relegates their role to that of a "breeder". That all birthmoms do is give birth and then they have no role in the child's life.

Language comes and goes, and the role of a birth/first parent is evolving. There are now ongoing relationships between birth/first mothers and their children... whether in open adoptions or reunions. Many believe the term birthmother does not accurately reflect that.

[JustPeachy]

It doesn't really bother me. I use birthmom to describe myself and also mom. The only term I would not use is "parent" because I didn't raise my son. That title goes to his amom (mom).

[Jo Ellen]

father of one,

Every woman that gives birth is a birth mom in the sense of the word but the thing to realize only the moms that relinquish their babies are referred to as a birth mom. I am an adoptee and have two bio children and am never referred to as their birth mom. I use it here only because that seems to be the only term openly accepted but after finding my bmom and bdad I see they are much more than just the people that produced me. Therefore I prefer just to call them Mom and Dad and the close friends and family refer to them as just that..... my mom and dad.
Cammie I am totally in agreement with you on this one and I only hope some day the term will change.

[BrandyHagz]

Birth mother only bothers me in a few situations.

When typed together to create a new word "birthmother"

When used to label a woman who is pregnant and considering adoption.

When used in tandem with the word ‘our’ – such as ‘our birth mother’ (often used as ‘our birthmother’ – which I dislike even more).

I have no problem with birth mother…when used in the right context and when used to identify a role, not degrade a person (which I have seen more recently as well).

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by FatherOfOne

I dont see why it is an issue. Are you or not the birth mother?

I am Jessica's reunited Birth Mom, I only use that term here and in my local Adoption support group since members of the triad are involved and "get it" when we are discussing our various roles. We never use it in person or in normal conversation.

What I object to is as Brandy posted:

When used in tandem with the word ‘our’ – such as ‘our birth mother’ (often used as ‘our birthmother’ – which I dislike even more).

And the question FatherofOne posed above.

Not to bash ( ok maybe I am) you but here we have a woman posting in a support forum seeking responses from OTHERS IN HER SITUATION and you instantly grab your keyboard and attempt to answer a question with a question ignoring the feelings behind the issue and IMO "reminding her of her place."

Your response is one of the reasons I detest this phrase. As Bromanchik stated I am so much more that the person who gave birth to Jessica. I will not have my role in her life or even my own tied in this neat little one time event bow.

The other reason why I dislike the term "birthmother" is because here at Adoptions.com every woman who is no longer raising her child is labeled Birthmother. No other sector of the triad has this problem, IMO. No matter how an A-mom comes to be an A-mom it is seen as a good thing. Same for the Adoptee, not so for the Birth-mother. I openly cringe when I see "you know how birthmothers are" anywhere in the forums.

I don't like that a word used to identify a woman who abused / neglected her child(ren) to the point of having them removed be used to identify women who like me placed our child(ren) in order to try and give them every advantage life has to offer. JMO...Tracy

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

What about the term biological mother? That doesn't seem to be used here much, so I'm wondering if it is generally considered offensive. That's the term I would normally use, but that's probably because I have more experience working with kids in foster care, blended families, living with relatives, etc. than with adopted kids. It seems that the term "birthmother" is generally reserved for a mother whose child was adopted. OP, maybe that is why you find the term offensive, because it makes the adoption sound like it was legitimate (which, based on what you have said, it wasn't in your case).

[vegaschristina]

I know this is a birth-mom's asking for support, but as an adoptive mom, I'd like to share 1 quick thought, and then I'll totally butt out of the conversation...while some think of a birth mom as ONLY someone who gave birth, realize there are some people on the planet, myself included who cannot give birth, and the fact that you were able to is amazing! I'm not trying to discount you in any way, so please don't think that. I have 3 beautiful children, and I'm so grateful, but there's something missing in my experience as a mom.

I never got to feel them move inside me. I never got to feel my belly grow with life.

To have given birth is an amazing thing, and I respect you all for having done that and for having the courage to make plans for your child that might not include you.

[paigeturner]

I see birthmother, bmom, birth mom, first mom, bio mom, whatever mom, being used on the forum and other places to identify someone's place in the triad. None really offend me. But, like others have already stated, putting the term "our" in front of it gets my back up. Should I ever meet the child I placed, I expect that he'll call me by my name. I also don't like, but am not offended by, the term "bios" left alone: "the bios didn't show up for an appointment" etc. Terminology in all areas of life change over time. I try not to lose any sleep over it.

To the OP, I wish you all the best in your journey to bring your son home.

[xcammiex]

Thanks for all the thoughts.

I personally use the phrase first mom as I think it's most accurate. I don't use natural mother as it has offended some A-parents. I think a lot of people don't use bio because it sounds so clinical. That's what I've been told.

I complete agree that "our" anything is very annoying. I didn't know I belonged to anyone.

Jo Ellen, you took the words out of my head.

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by vegaschristina

I know this is a birth-mom's asking for support, but as an adoptive mom, I'd like to share 1 quick thought, and then I'll totally butt out of the conversation...while some think of a birth mom as ONLY someone who gave birth, realize there are some people on the planet, myself included who cannot give birth, and the fact that you were able to is amazing! I'm not trying to discount you in any way, so please don't think that. I have 3 beautiful children, and I'm so grateful, but there's something missing in my experience as a mom.

I never got to feel them move inside me. I never got to feel my belly grow with life.

To have given birth is an amazing thing, and I respect you all for having done that and for having the courage to make plans for your child that might not include you.

VegasChristina I am not the OP but as a B-Mom involved in this thread I for one am glad you posted. I love it when different sectors of the triad intersect and share viewpoints.

XcammieX...You are in every prayer I say; I've read your blog and the related stories on the internet and I am outraged! Tracy

[sunsetsky]

At our kid's basketball program I show up with my new pre-adoptive placement. He's 11 months.
My children contains of two bios and a pre-adoptive child who has been in my care since birth. I usually introduce my family as "my family" to strangers. We all look very much alike.
I can understand how you feel because I was trying to come up with a better way to explain my mixed family of bios and soon to adopted children. I was asked was I baby sitting? I was dumbfounded. My first response was these ones are mine... these are in the adoption process but I caught myself. Then I thought to say Im these ones birth mom. I didn't like it! I settled on he's my son. The lady said no stop playing. i stuck to my story. This was not a true picture of my family because that led them to believe were all bios. Where has he been all of these months. I am sure rumors will begin.

[Sparky7]

I have always called myself a birthmother iv'e never known any different. The only term i ever really hate was natural mother. Always gave me the creeps and still does.