[loveccl]

Hey ladies...

Well I'm here tonight cause I'm feeling a little out of it. I'm going through some stuff that only my fellow b-momma's can help me w/. My lil man Caelan is now 3months old. I gave my birth son CCL up 14 yrs ago. Caelan is my first baby in that 14yrs. Right now I question everyone and wonder if they will try to take Caelan from me. I do work part time but Caelan's dad watches him those hours. I have a friend who watches him now and then as well. I accuse Caelan's dad of wanting to steal him from me. (He never would!) I also question anyone who wants to spend time w/ Caelan. I am almost to the point that I want to get rid of all my friends and make sure no one has access to Caelan.

Has anyone went through this sort of desperate feelings??? Please help I feel a bit crazy! It would kill me to loose Caelan.

[Rylee45]

Oh my GOSH I so totally understand what you are going through! TOTALLY!

When I gave my daughter up I was unmarried. I didn't have a say in it. I was forced to give her away.

After she was gone and I went home, I met a guy who I eventually married. We had two children together but I never worried about anyone taking them because I was married.

When I left my husband due to his abuse to all of us, it took several months before our divorce was final but I stupidly got involved with a guy during the "wait time" for the divorce and well, I got pregnant and was unmarried AGAIN when I gave birth to my youngest son.

I was SO worried they'd take him from me while I was in the hospital because I wasn't married and his dad was a jerk and didn't really care about his son.

I couldn't sleep. I INSISTED my son be in the room 100%of the time we were in the hospital. If someone came into the room I was immediately awake and watching everything they did. I didn't trust ANYONE! It was awful! I worried constantly someone would find a "reason" to take him because I wasn't married and I had two other children who my ex-husband was trying to say I couldn't take care of anyway.

When I went home, I was constantly worried someone from the social services or somewhere would come and take him from me. I worried about his dad coming and deciding he'd rather raise him because of child support he was being forced to pay he couldn't afford. He threatened that a lot if I didn't take his child support payment down. I had no control over that because I was on assistance for a short while. He never actually followed through on taking custody but it was still a threat from him over child support.

It was one thing after another. It took almost 5 years after my youngest son's birth before I stopped worrying about someone coming to take him from me merely because I wasn't married. It was horrible! It was a nightmere!

I do understand how you feel and I know it's something you will get over with eventually but it will take time. It might be a shorter time for you than it was for me or maybe longer but you will get past it and be comfortable with who is around your son and what's going on with him.

Rylee

[quantum]

I had my first daughter 18 years after I relinquished! And those first few months I lived in terror. Actually I had come out of a mentally abusive relationship just two years previously so I was in terror my entire pregnancy that my ex would try to hurt me or my baby (not his of course).

I guess one thing that I would suggest is making sure Caelin's dad knows why you are having so many anxieties about this. Then maybe he can support you by being extra supportive?
I had mentioned in another thread that my daughter was born in England, they have health visitorrs that come by to check on you, that was terrifying as well. I didn't really understand their purpose and thought they were checking up on if I was good enough. One of the first times they came, I picked my daughter up off the scale and she peed all over me. I didn't react at all. Just said 'oh'.
It got better with time (I also had her with me ALWAYS except when my mom came to visit) and it's been even easier with my second daughter. Although we did have a room in the hospital that meant my first daughter stayed overnight with us right after I had my second daughter.

Take care!

[Janeytwo]

Dear Loveccl,

I sympathise completely with what you're going through. I have these same fears about my daughters who are with me. After reliquishing my babies, I was left with this fear of losing any other children. I think my fear didn't have as much to do with family/friends as it did with strangers.

I've always been paranoid about something happening to my daughters; them being grabbed, that kind of thing.

I was saying on another thread that last month my daughters were traveling together from Detroit where we live to Columbus, OH (some 4 & 1/2 hours south). The entire time they were on the road I was a nervous wreck...checking the clock, wringing my hands, posting in here about how afraid I was, calling my hubby constantly and asking if he though they were okay.

He knows about my babies and so understood what I was going through. I'm lucky in that way.

I just sort of rode it out and they got where they were going safe and sound. (Thank you God).

But this kind of thing still pops up for me. I'm hoping that if and when I get to meet my son & daughter that that part of my wounded heart will begin to heal.

For now though I just try to take it easy on myself and try to also understand that adoption leaves scars that sometimes time doesn't erase.

Wishing you peace today,

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

I had that fear as well..

Once I went back to Florida to visit my parents and my second and third born were both below five or six..
They disappeared at one point and I went nuts..
My mom looked at me.. worried..

I think its part of this giving a baby up..

Jackie

[loveccl]

I just got in a huge fight w/ one of my very good friends. She actually asked if I was "on something". She refuse to even try to understand my concerns about loosing Caelan. She said I was being irrational.

About 2yrs ago I went through a DUI and I'm paying the price still. I drove last Nov. w/ out a license and so due to that there is a posiibilty of 30 days in jail. At this point it looks like I'll get an ankle monitor at the very most. I totally accept that. (Even though I think its so stupid.) A family who has been amazing and basically adopted me in the last 7 yrs said they worked out how they would take care of Caelan for that 30days. They didn't even mention how Jason (Caelan's dad) would be part of it. So it sent terror through me and now I'm freaking out that they want to take Caelan. My friend who I just fought w/ can't believe I would even consider them stealing Caelan. Ummmm...hello why wouldn't I. I tried to explain the birthmother fear and how the family said since I was going through this right now they thought my life was out of control. Things can't help but spin in my head that since I'm so "out of control" they think Caelan would be better w/ them. They have a daughter who is 25 and will never marry or have kids (she is too introverted). So Caelan would be the prefect lil baby for them to steel for her.

I just told Jason that this is the same as after I had CCL. People called me crazy for "FEELING". I am an amazing mom and my son belongs w/ me. I am not on anything...I'm a birthmother w/ real fears that I need to work through.

[Jackiejdajda]

loveccl

I'm a birthmother w/ real fears that I need to work through.

If you get a chance check out this thread..

On doing The Artist's Way..