[Rylee45]

I hope you don't mind my asking these questions but I've just been wondering a lot of things these days and the only way to get some answers is to ask the people it involves.

With the assumption that most of you as adoptees have had a great life with your adoptive family and love them very much and they love you, what are your thoughts about the adoption itself?

If you could have stayed with your first mother even if that meant maybe for a short time you might have had a harder life but would have been with her do you think you would have wanted to?

For those of you who haven't met your birth mother yet do you spend much time wondering about what she's like, who she is, or ever wonder if you're walking along somewhere and see a woman who looks something like you if it is your birth mother?

I'm just wondering if adoptees ever think some of the same kinds of things we do as birth parents such as that last question.

I'd really like to hear your opinions. I know everyone's stories are different and some have great wonderful adoptive parents who have shown them love all their lives, others have been abused or treated differently than biological children the adoptive parents may have had, others are being controled in every move they make by their adoptive parents and the list goes on about how different situations are.

Just like there are mothers who although they miss their child felt it was the best for them to be given to another family and don't regret it while others like myself are angry with the system for taking their child and lying to them about things, I know there are adoptees who don't want to know their first families and are in no hurry to find them or ever meet them and there are those who do want to know them.

I just want to know what the general feelings are in this group.

Rylee

[belleinblue1978]

Rylee,

I don't have an issue with adoption as long as it is ethical and people do what they promise. That said, just because my adoption experience was great doesn't mean that I think that everyone's is that as well.

I used to wonder. I am pretty convinced that I got the better deal than my parented siblilngs. Only one has a high school degree, she actually has a Masters. The rest have GED's or nothing. One of my brothers is in prison. Two of them don't speak. They aren't really sure where one is at all.

My firstmother refuses contact with me. I'm just not interested anymore. I'm sure she has problems, guilt, all of that, I don't care. At this point in my life she isn't someone I am interested in knowing.

[txrnr]

I had a great adoption experience, and am generally pro-adoption in the right cases. I think everyone should be able to explore all their options, and make an informed choice. I have to think that open adoptions make the system a bit more balanced, but realize it's far from perfect.

I have a great deal of respect for my birthmom, but have never wished she raised me. She was 14 when I was conceived, and 15 at birth. Of course no one knows what would have happened, or how things would have turned out, but playing the odds of the 1960's, I am fairly sure I wouldn't have had some of the advantages I did growing up in my family. I do know she was able to switch schools, and graduated high school. I certainly hope she feels that she was able to do some of the things that keeping me would have prevented her from doing. I have always thought she made a brave, and painful decision, especially for her age. According to the social workers notes, she was not sent off, and was given the option of parenting. Her parents were less than thrilled, but left the option to her. My bfather wanted to marry, but she felt she was too young, and the relationship wouldn't last. (he was also about to be drafted)

I often wonder what she looks like. I do know her identity, but haven't made contact. I confess to thinking it would be fun to get pictures, but it's something I'd never do. I wish her nothing but the best, and often pray for her. Finding her name in my non-id info was a great gift, as I now have a name to include instead of just thinking about bmom.

[Jo Ellen]

Rylee,

I am so happy you feel you can ask these questions of us. I have been interested in knowing how other birth mothers and birth fathers feel about a lot of this and am thankful that I have had contact with many to find these things out. However, I believe we can always learn more. I am also thankful I have been able to talk with my birth mother about these things over the course of our reunion and more recently have begun talking with my birth father as well. I have known them 2 1/2 years but have just recently felt comfortable talking with my birth father about this. Now to answer your questions and I hope no one is offended but this is how I honestly feel so know you can take it or leave it......As a child and even as an adult ... younger and older....I searched faces for my birth mother in crowds wondering if I would see her or if she would see me. I believe that had I been able to stay with her we would have been just fine and I know without a doubt she would have been a wonderful mother to me all those years. I know this because of the love I know she has always had for me based on the things she shares with me. It is so wonderful to look in the mirror and know I am their daughter.... or to look at my hands and see theirs. When I am having a difficult time wanting to be with them I even touch my skin and know it is theirs I am touching because I came from them. Although this is just my experience I hope this will help shed some light for others to better understand how we deal with not knowing our birth parents all these years. I am happy to say our outcome is a positive one and I hope others can have the same experience.

[wrgamom]

I am very pro-adoption. I have friends who have adopted and I try to give them help when asked about how their children will think about certain issues. I think I am helping them quite a bit by talking about things that just were not talked about when I was a child.

As far as do I wish my birthmom had kept me, we talk about that sometimes and I just recently spoke to somebody about this. Sure, there might be a few times I think about it, but overall, no. Mostly because my life would have been so different to the point where I would not have my wonderful children. My life would have taken a different path and I would not have met my husband and had my beautiful children I have now. My birthmother's life would have taken a different path and she may not have had her subsequent children that she loves with all her heart. And my aparents, flawed thought they are, are GREAT parents and would not have been parents to me if she had kept me. I know I have and continue to enrich their lives.

So, no, I do not wish she had kept me because I think everything happens for a reason. Do I wish things were dealt with differently? Sure, but that was the 60s/70s mentality then. We all know better now.

[Rylee45]

I appreciate your thoughts here and comments. There's so many different thinkings and doings in adoption and everyone has their own personal feelings good and bad about it. I'm just glad that I can ask questions and get other prsepctives about things.

Thank you for answering my questions when I ask them.

Rylee

[DANNYTORO]

...In my case I have no issues with my Adoptive parents, I got a good life from them. My b-mom really did not have much of a choice in the matter. The religous and cultural forces of the time really leaned hard on native families. I never got a chance to meet either of my parents. The province only recently released the birth records. I'm very greatful to have found my other relatives though. One of my sisters had some issues going home. The culture was very different, and intensely invasive to a degree. More other residents outside the family. It really scared her off. I get angry for not getting the chance to meet my mom. There are alot of "Had I been there" feelings. She suffered alot of abuse, and I've got a record of going off on other males who are abusive towards females. I know I could have made a big difference for her, but we were both cheated by other peoples backwards views concerning open birth records. When my health gets better, I hope to meet the rest of the big gang though. Which will be odd being an only brat-lol I'm pretty anxious though, my granmom is now ninety, and I dearly want to see her....

[bumblebeeskies]

Rylee,

If I understood your post correctly, you are wondering what adoptees think of the actual adoption, not our adoptive parents. You've gotten a lot on adoptive parents, so I will give you a lot on the adoption itself.

Yes, I have problems with the proceedings of the adoption. I think it was cruel that by order of the attorney, my first mom wasn't allowed to see or hold me. She was not told my gender, and refused to sign until they told her I was a girl. She received no counseling. Also, my adoptive parents and her both used the same attorney. The attorney picked her up from the hospital, and took her to sign. He and his wife then picked me up from the hospital and delivered me to my adoptive parents. I also have issues with the thoroughness of my aparents homestudy and background check. My afather was psychizophrenic (sp) and not steady enough to take on the responsibilities of being a parent. His condition was well known among friends and family, so obviously there was a lack of communication between drs., references and the homestudy provider.

As far as would I have rather stayed with my bmom, Yes, I would have. I think I would have been just fine. My afather killed himself when I was six, so I really wasn't raised in a middle class two-parent family anyway. I did get to do some cool things, like graduate from a private christian high school and attended a private college, but I would rather have not had those things and have been left w/ my birth mom. So many are talking about having great experiences and knowing great people, but I think everyone has SOME great experiences and knows SOME great people. They would have just been different things and people if we had been raised by birth family.

Since most have given their stance on adoption, I will give mine. I am 95% anti-adoption.

[DancinBear63]

I am both an adoptee and a potential adoptive parent. I first came to these boards looking for support as my husband and I began the adoption journey, and not for support as an adoptee, though I have learned a lot about that as well.

I do not have much info at all about my adoption, which was closed. My parents were not told much more than this by the agency, but they are of the opinion that the adoption was primarily motivated by my birthmother's family.Given that my birthmother was 14 when I was born, I understand the decision for placement, and do not regret it at all.

Perhaps I'd feel differently if my birthmother was older. 14 just seems way too young to parent (in my opinion)...

As I progress through different stages of my life, I do think about my birthparents in the context of hoping that my adoption gave them the opportunities to experience the things that I have- high school, higher education, marriage, career, etc. I don't think much about specifics, and am not looking for reunion at this time. That being said, I definitely would be open to my child seeking reunion at some point.

[Dickons]

I think non-family closed adoption should be the last choice, non-family open would be 2nd to last choice, with family adoption considered before non family when you are viewing it from a family that is fairly stable.

In cases of abuse, addictions and other sad situations without any hope of improvement, adoptions are a good thing but it must be done in an open manner with checks and balances put in place to ensure the parties involved are all equal.

Off topic a bit...I oppose the concept of annonymous sperm or egg donors. The idea creates such a sense of horror at what the child must go through their entire life. It makes my soul cringe.

Kind regards,
Dickons