[manni28]

I’ve been reading your thread ( I hope you don’t mind?) But as a woman, an adoptee, and a parent maybe I can help you with my POV.

My bparents were young (16 & 17) when I was born, they placed me because of their parents and because they were wise enough to know they weren’t ready to be parents ( and I am grateful for that). Being a parent isn’t easy, BUT imagine being a young underemployed parent with no/ or little family support? When you bring a child into the world, it’s not all cute clothes and happiness. It’s colic, no money , daycare cost, and being the best you can be under stressful situations. A lot of times, young parents ( and some older parents too!) DON’T understand that. In the end the child and parents ALL suffer ( imo). I have met many people who regret being parents at a young age. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their children; but it was hard being young and being a parent. Many of them regret missed opportunities, education and life style choices they would have had IF they weren’t young parents.

I think this is why society does frown down on young parenthood: it’s the missed opportunities, educational choices and the child ( who SOMETIMES ) suffers in the end.

[cls2445]

I surrendered my dau in 1963. I was 16. It was not something I wanted. Then attitudes were so different. Divorce was not common, mothers stayed home with the children, dads were the breadwinners, there were no single parents, welfare was not acceptable and if you were pg, you could not attend public school. The huge mind-set was "what will people think". Every home was modeled after Ozzie and Harriet Nelson. I was sent away.....there were no options for me, what I wanted was never considered. In the hospital, I was not allowed to see the baby let alone hold/touch her and I was placed in the surgical ward after delivery. When I returned home IT was NEVER talked about, and I was expected to pick up my life as though IT never happended.
Just a postscript....my dau found me last year! EVERYTHING I went through in 1962-62 came flooding back to me. We are in a wonderful reunion. Its a dream come true to be able to hold my dau after 45 years.

[sstuart]

I think that it is a shame that the "two parent" family and the financial situation are always the first things considered. No one can guarentee that the family you place with will stay intact. Due to death or divorce. Also financial security is not always guarenteed. I know that some bmothers place because they are not ready to parent. But most are told that they are "not going to be able to give the child the same opportunities that a two parent family can" I do not know when this will change-because many who place today are given the same song and dance.

[MoonlightLoveAngel]

I don't understand the "Unmarried mother = bad" mentality any more than I understand the "Married mother = awesomely blissful" mentality either. Yes, I am married and I love my husband, but we knew from the very outset of the relationship that we did not want to and could not raise children. Now that I'm pregnant, many people around me are mystified to all hell as to why I'm not in Joyful Motherhood mode and so quickly jumped on the adoption option. My own father even said to me yesterday, "You're supposed to be happy that you're pregnant." To this I responded, "That's why I'm a freak of nature and have no business raising this baby. Because I'm not." (happy about it, that is)

I've seen plenty of single mothers do terriffic jobs raising their kids, as many as couples or mixed family arrangements. My mom raised me for several years by herself after my parents divorced. No, it wasn't all a pleasant experience, but it wasn't because she was a bad person or a bad mother, she just made some poor choices and she realizes this now. I still turned out all right.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

I don't believe it's wrong, and I believe a lot has changed for how it was 20, 30, 40 years ago. Maybe some people just view things differently. I can't imagine being brought up without my father in the picture. He was such an important role in my life and played a major role in who I am today. I want the same thing for my daughter; I am not saying you can't do it on your own (believe me that is not what I am saying) I know many people that were brought up in a single parent home and are WONDERFUL people, but I am just assuming that that is where some people are coming from. Again, all I ever knew was having two parents in my life (they just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary in fact). I hope that Dh and I can give our daughter the same kind of life that I had. My parents are AWESOME people!

ETA: I just saw that this thread was for "Birthparent Support" Hope no one minds an Aparent posting.

[Rylee45]

Personally, my my own situation, I'd have been better off in a single mom household.

My dad beat me, sexually molested me, verbally abused me and mentally abused me. He torchured all of us kids (I have 3 brothers and a sister). He and my mom got married as I was saying in a "shot gun wedding".

My mom would have been so much better a mom had he not been around.

What I learned from MY father being around was to mistrust, hold anger in my soul, never get close to anyone because they will hurt you, and a bunch of other things.

Had my mother kept me and got rid of my dad instead of "doing the right thing" (getting married) we'd have been so much happier!

I might have had a better childhood and grown up doing things I should have like going to college, marrying a man for love NOT for "getting out of my dad's house". All that good crud.

I just know that a man's influence if it's bad is worse than not having a father around at all. That's my opinion anyway.

I could have done without the abuse. I think my mom would have been a good mom if she hadn't had my dad beating her all the time and abusing her and destroying her things and reminding her what a whore she was for sleeping with him before they were married and "forcing him" to get married by being "knocked up". I really could have done without those things.

My mom couldn't protect us because she couldn't even protect herself from him. She wouldn't have had to worry about that if she hadnt' married him. She'd have been a great mother because she wouldn't have had to deal with him. KWIM?

Rylee

[susieloo]

i dont have time to post much now rylee..but you have brought up the question that has had me thinking ever since i was 12yrs.....The Huge Double standard that exists between men and womens sexuality.
As lovemytwoboys has mentioned women can be be just at bad at perpetuating this phenomena as men. Just as frustrating for me!!!
Will post more soon

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Rylee...Oh my gosh! I am so sorry that you had to endure that. Yes, you are right; in your case, you would have absolutely been better off with out him!!!!!!

My dad was/is so good to all of his kids, and most of all is an awesome husband to my mom. He showed me, and my sisters, what we should look for and expect in a husband and father. I can't even imagine what you went through...it makes my stomach turn!

[Rylee45]

It was a horrible thing watching my dad doing all the things to all of us and having to deal with the aftermath.

It was kind of weird but after my parents had been married for 28 years my dad left my mom for another woman (who left him for another man as soon as my mom and dad were divorced. lol).

After my dad hadn't been around for a few years and came back to talk to my mom and continued to treat her with disrespect and other things. She hadn't been used to it for a long time.

When he went back outside she turned to me and said, "How DARE he talk to me like that?!!! Where does he get off treating me like that?!!!"

I turned to her and said, "Mom, he's been like that our whole lives. That's just the way he treats everyone."

She turned to me and said, "You're kidding! He's done this before???"

(I put that as close as I remember. It's been 15 years since that happened and almost 7 years since he died so I don't recall exact wording but that was the general conversation).

I don't know how she could have not realized or remembered what he'd done to her. It's like she got amneisa about her life with him. But she wouldn't take it and she told him he wasn't going to treat her like that anymore and well, it didn't set well with him but she reminded he was in HER house and not his. He left that day and that was the last time he actually treated her with that kind of disrespect. If he started to treat her that way he'd generally catch himself and quit.

I just know living in my house as a child was a nightmere.

The worst part of my giving my daughter away though was she was put into the SAME kind of household as I lived in. She was sexually, mentally and physically abused. She told me some things that made the hair on the back of my neck raise up. She walked in on her dad viewing porn and well, I won't go into the detail of what else she told me but it was just as bad a household as I lived in.

If I'd kept her I could have gotten into my own apartment, gotten help from the state until I could get a job and on my own feet. I know I could have done a good job parenting. In spite of my emotional problems due to my childhood and the giving up of my daughter I was still a good parent to my other children.

I know I would have gotten married eventually too in spite of the lies the agency and everyone around me told me wouldn't happen if I ever told anyone I'd had a baby. I married my second husband after I'd had 3 more children after my daughter was given up for adoption. I am pretty sure I would have been able to get married to someone having ONE child. KWIM?

Rylee

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Again, I am sorry you have had to deal with so much pain in your life; it's awful what happened to your daughter as well! I just can't even begin to imagine having to deal with the stuff you have had to deal with. You sound like an incredibly strong person!