[djvj]

question for birthmothers who chose the aparents that are raising their bchildren:

another thread got me wondering about how other bmothers out there selected the adoptive parents to whom they relinquished their children. i'm curious to know what your criteria were? do you feel that you chose well? do you feel that the information you received about the potential aparents was accurate and represented them in a truthful way? do you feel you made the best choice as far as the actual couple or person you decided on? what would you have asked them if you could go back in time?

i would love to hear your experience. i'll go first in the next post

[djvj]

age: amom was 38, which when i was 17 seemed very grown up and mature. she had her priorities straight and had lived a full life before deciding to parent. adad was older (45) and just seemed like an excited kid about adopting. his enthusiasm was adorable and heartwarming

intelligence: amom had a masters degree in early childhood development (talk about perfect mom material). adad was a gifted writer which was reflected in all our correspondence.

shared interests: amom was artsy/crafty and built dollhouses, which i thought was really cool and "motherly". adad was a writer for pr in high tech. i was already attending college to get my degree in literature with a creative writing emphasis, and we liked the same authors

values: they were very open about really wanting to be parents together. they had made 2 (failed) attempts to adopt internationally back in 1985 when it wasn't very common. they then decided to try domestically. i interpreted this to mean they didn't need a certain color or race of child to love, which indicated to me that they were open-minded and had a lot of nonjudgmental love to offer a child.

religion: adad and amom attended a unitarian church, which was open to the wisdom of all religions. this again felt to me like they were open minded and would let their child develop their own spiritual beliefs.

silly stuff: amom was very pretty and the photos of their home showed that they had good taste (hey, i was 17)

looking back, at 17 i was choosing for my bdaughter the parents i wished i had been given. i feel now that i chose the perfect people to love and support my bdaughter if it couldn't be me. i think i was able to really get to know them well through frequent letters and phone calls during my pregnancy, and from meeting them in person before i finalized. i wish i would have asked them about their financial situation, as i always worried they might not be as comfortable as they in fact were.

[Stormster]

I can't believe at 17 (and pregnant) you were able to think like this! It's incredible to me...

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by Stormster

I can't believe at 17 (and pregnant) you were able to think like this! It's incredible to me...

Stormster - I apologize in advance as I do not know your experience with adoption and I am sure that this was not your intention, but I find this comment dismissive and unkind. I would expect nothing less of a mother who chooses adoption to provide for her child regardless of her age and especially the first/birth mothers who participate on this forum. Adoption is advertised the "loving option", after all. I don't think that age has anything to do with one's ability to love and provide for one's child whether it is through parenting or adoption.

During her pregnancy, my 21-yo daughter (who is now parenting her son) carefully contemplated adoption for her son and she nearly matched with one couple. Her most important criteria were respect for her, her family, and her love for her son. She found very few hopeful adoptive parents who understood that.

Happy G'Ma

[RavenSong]

Happygmom, I am positive that Stormster means that it's amazing that DJVJ was so mature at age 17 to be able to make such "grown-up" decisions in selecting her daughter's parents. She didn't mean any offense ~ Stormster has been following DJVJ's story here on the BirthMom boards ever since DJ signed up.

[Stormster]

Hi gmom. I'm sorry but you must have misunderstood me. I have BEEN 17 (and pregnant) afterall and I was just not this mature. That's all I meant.

I should have specified that I wasn't speaking at all in relation to adoption.

BTW I am in an OA and support EM's having all the resources and power to choose their child's aparents and re-making that choice AFTER the birth at any age. I am an advocate of keeping promises in OA and our son's birth mother is a part of our daily life.

Sorry so defensive. I'm just not sure what you thought I was insinuating but I just feel sometimes like I"m a person and she's a person and I was just saying wow you were such a mature 17 year old! Sometimes I'm just speaking woman to woman kwim? I think it's important that we remember that.

[happygmom]

Oh thanks, Ravensmom and Stormster. I understand now that there is a personal cyber-space relationship. That helps to put things in context, and I see what Stormster is saying. (sorry, Stormster)

I thought that we were going down the road of labeling pregnant teens as usually being wild-eyed, drug addicts who can't and don't make good decisions for their babies (not that this isn't sometimes true). Most care passionately about their children's future and do the best that they can to provide a secure future - as djvj did!

Happy G'Ma

[djvj]

hi all
i missed all the posts as i was busy yesterday, but also want to assure stormster that i took it as a compliment.

i actually (now at 40) look back and wonder how the heck i made such a good choice for my child when i was really kind of clueless about everything else. i think because i had an extremely difficult relationship with my own mother that i had a strong idea of what i felt i had missed out on in my parents. my entire family was very wealthy but pretty much miserable, so i knew that money wasn't the main issue. i think my biggest fear about parenting was that i would somehow be like my own mother...i'm just now realizing that i can let that fear go. i think i'm finally ready to be a parent, let's hope it's not too late!

and happygmom, i understand why you feel sensitive, because i so often read posts on this forum that seem to indicate that most or all bmothers are losers, and it really hurts.

stormster is one of the good ones, though; in fact, she's my favorite amom on the entire forum. i wish more people would take after her

i'm still really curious what other women on this site were looking for in aparents...hope to see more responses

[quantum]

I had no choice really. One thing I did know about my son's aparents was that they had already adopted a son. That felt pretty good because then I knew he wasn't growing up an only child.

[finallyamom0310]

DJ, as you know I am an amom but wanted to let you know I think this is a great thread and hope that more BMoms join in. This can be really great for those who might be beginning their journey to see that BMom's want to know the potential aparents are real and not what they think BMom's want to know.

[JustPeachy]

I had very little choice in the matter. The agency selected the aparents. They used to do "matching" in those days, based on race/ethnicity/looks. They did show me the couple's picture that was their first choice, and let me hear a very little bit of background info. I got to know their ages, racial background, what kind of professions they were in, what their personalities were like, some of their hobbies, and what their families were like, all in a very general sense. I did like what I heard about them. I liked how their personalities were described, that they had a large, extended and close family, that they shared similar hobbies as I did, and were older, college educated, and already established in their careers. I was told if there was anything at all I didn't like about them, to let the agency know and they'd select another couple. I had no one to compare them to, and wondered "what if there is a better couple out there" but then thought that if I let the first couple go and I didn't really care for the next couple, I may not get the first one back. So I went with the first one, thinking the agency made the best choice. From what I gotten to know of them over the years, they are terrific people. We've communicated indirectly all these years and I do feel they are extended family in a way. I hope to someday meet them. I wish I could have known more about them, and met them prior to placement, though. I wish I would have asked more questions of the agency and insisted on answers or made more demands. I pretty much went "by the book" with them and didn't think I could ask for more than what was being offered. I suppose it would have been nice to look through books of waiting p-aparents and pick, but then again, having so many choices might have made it harder for me to narrow it down. So I think in my case, it worked out ok, all things considered.