[Rylee45]

I appreciated the comments on the other thread I posted.

I have another question about how adoptive parents feel about something.

Do you ever feel when your child is acting out or for that matter turns out to be out of control/defiant or have mental problems or whatever other "negative" thing they do "has to be because of heredity"?

Or on the other hand their good points are more due to "the way they were raised" than heredity?

Occationally I've heard those things from adoptive parents. My daughter's adoptive mom told me that my daughter was a mental case due to ME and heredity and is why she had to "take control" of her life because she's incapable of being "independant".

I know that's not true because my daughter when she was living with me was given the opportunity to do things for herself. Figure her own finances out. Be an independant person and was growing so much. I had NO desire to take control of her life. She was excited to be able to do her own things and not have someone watching over her shoulder waiting for her to make a mistake.

However when she got back living around her adoptive mom she was immediately back in the same hole she's in still. The adoptive mom had her on SSI for "mental illness". (which was blamed on me).

Everything good was "her" doing because she raised her right (in her opinon) and had nothing to do with heredity.

I'm just wondering how many others out here feel that same way to any degree.

Rylee

[mom25-4g1b]

I definately think that there is a real danger in this line of thinking. We are all only human. I will never be the perfect Mom and I believe that my bio kids have just as many "issues" as adopted kids. The nature vs. nurture thing is something we will probably never figure out. Clearly though children do have personality triats that are genetic. One parenting author I really love said in one of his books that aparents would come to him claiming their child had a behavior due to being adopted and he pesonally believed that these problem behaviors were rarely due to adoption. We could all come up with reasons for things we do that we don't like. The child from a broken family, the child that lost a loved one, ect. I can also see things that my son did inherit. For instance, even at 2 1/2 it is very clear that he is musically inclined. That is not something he has recieved from growing up here!!! For me personally I am going to try very hard to never "blame" issues on adoption. I read the book Primal Wound a while ago and I know that many people love it but I hated it. I sought out some adult adoptees I know and asked them their take on it and all 5 of them found that this was not their experience. I know this book has been very helpful to many so please don't be offended. I truly don't mean to do that as I am not an adoptee myself.
I know I really strayed here. I am sure your daughter recieved many wonderful qualities from you and I would not listen to her amom say that you are responsible for any issues. How would she or anyone really know where the responsibility lies?
Blessings,
Shelley

[Saya]

Well Anabel is only 2 so when she's defiant it's because she's a toddler.

But I can't imagine EVER thinking that DH and I gave her all the good parts and her birthparents gave her all the challenging ones. Anabel came home when she was 8 months old. From 2 days till 8 months she was with a foster family that we are still in close contact with. It is clear from our conversations with them that she was BORN with a certain personality and temperament, and she still has that same personality today. On the other hand, there are SO many things she does on a daily basis that remind me of my husband and I. She has his sense of adventure and my stubborness. For the rest of her life she is going to be an alchemy of her genetics and her upbringing, and there doesn't seem to be any point in trying to assign praise OR blame as she grows up.

Crick commented on this on your other thread, but I think there is a societal need with adoption to assign blame that people get caught up in. If an adoptee isn't perfect, has ANY problems at all (even if it's just, say completely age-appropriate teenage rebellion) it's time to play the blame game. EITHER it's all the birthmom's fault, because of course she must be mentally deranged or did drugs while pregnant, OR it's all the a-parents fault, because they must have been bad parents because they weren't REALLY their parents.

Parenting is so hard, no matter what your role - giving birth and raising a child, giving birth and relinquishing, or adopting. It's too bad that all of us as parents can't push aside the blame game and focus together on how to build our childrens' strengths and help them meet their challenges, no matter where they got them from.

[Suziebearhugs]

Yes, since there is alchohol and drug abuse my kids were exposed to, I do recognize how it has affected them and get upset sometimes that their bmothers didn't protect them from those things. But no, not when it comes to genetics.

[missymissus]

I think its only natural that parents in general want to take credit for the good aspects of their child and pass the buck on the not so wonderful qualities. Adoptive or not.

I've heard some of the things you've mentioned from both adoptive and birth mothers. It goes both ways. I've also heard parents who are raising their biological children mention that the child is so well mannered because of their upbringing or is a trouble maker because of the other parent.

[loveajax]

Missy, that cracked me up. My mom used to say all of our "bad" qualities were from my dad!

I will be honest....DD has been a challenge lately and DH and I discuss that she has this little "streak" that we totally have observed in her older birth sister. It's like they both put on this impish face and BAM! At the same time, DD is such a sweetie pie as is her older birth sister that I see that as well. I also can say that this "streak" comes out when she is overtired....which I blame on our "bad" parenting (on that day!).

There is soooo much "controversy" about nature vs. nurture that I think there is very little ever considered about how "individual" each person is. I have three siblings and we all are markedly different (though similar in looks and some mannerisms) and we are all bio related and raised together, you know? I think when there is this nature vs. nurture thing, adoptees tend to get thrown in the middle of it, and that's sad.

I can say that I have seen birth mothers meeting their children in reunion and saying that all of the "bad" things are a result of parenting. Of course, if things are good, you read only how much alike they are. (I see the same thing with a parents too, failing to recognize some genetic stuff, taking credit for "good" stuff). Human nature, I guess, but it's so much more complicated than that, I think.

[ocracoke]

Ah, nature v. nurture!

I think that it has to be a combination. My hips -- I definately got from my bmom. Other then that -- who knows. My sister (bio who was adopted with me at the same time) is so completely different then I am. So where does that come from. Experience affects your personality and judgment. But who is to say that my personality is any different then what it would have been if I hadn't been adopted. Sliding doors, you can fantasize and dream but you will never know what would have been.

Someone recently told me that my daughter was beginning to look like me. Really? Not the same race, no same facial features, not at all alike. So the thing that must be looking similar is our attitude. Great!! I have nobody to blame but myself for that then.

Samantha

[blessedbybug]

It really is hard to know. I think the answer is 'yes' meaning I believe that kids get how they act and who they are from both nurture and nature. And truth be told, I still have a really hard time taking credit for anything my children do yet. Mostly because so many of the things they do remind me of their other moms and siblings. When someone says "your dd is beautiful" I instantly agree, but not because it has anything to do with me...but because her other mom is beautiful. That's just one example. I'm probably a little hard on myself for being a 'not so great' parent when there are temper tantrums or we're all in meltdown mode. I can say I've never once thought their birth family members were to blame at all. My kids are who they are. It's my job to take that and help them grow up to be who they are becoming.

Honestly, I've discussed some of these things with my kids' other moms, and we've had a good laugh, because in many ways, they picked someone (me) personality wise who is very close to how they are. We are all a little bit fiery, and a tad emotional (And I use 'little bit' and 'tad' sarcastically). DS's other mom joked that she may have given him his temper (because she has one too, and so does the son she is parenting!) but I have all that it takes to deal with it (meaning a strong will with hopefully a whole lot of grace mixed in). I sure hope so.

And seeing DS with his full bio brother, they are so much alike in almost every way they act. And this visit was the first time they met. There is no mistaking that he comes by his temperament by nature. OTOH, I can see the effects on our different parenting styles. One's not better than the other, just different and our children have responded to the way we parent in each of our homes.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Oh my...I definitely blame all my kids' bad behavior on ME. Figure I must've screwed up somehow! It'll come in handy for them when they're in therapy as adults talking about how crazy their mom was.

DH and I have a running joke. When the girls are misbehaving for me, I say "YOUR children are acting up." He says the opposite to me!

Truly, though, I don't believe all the good comes from one place and all the bad from another. Kids are kids...and they'll act up and do really dumb things. It's just up to us as parents to love them unconditionally!

[Stormster]

E's bio father is gregarious. E is gregarious. I mean he strolls (crawls) into a group of kids so self confident with this giant smile on his face and he's just like HELLO WORLD! And then I read that it has been PROVEN that gregariousness is a genetic trait!

In Young Mice, Gregariousness Seems To Reside In The Genes

I think it is our job to make sure to enforce this wonderful trait by making sure he has lots of social interaction.

I guess I feel like we nurture the nature (great book by the way). I think people really do have inborn personalities. Many of my friends since early childhood are exactly the same now as they were in nursery school! We just had our 25th reunion and it was like being 5 again.

But I also know that abuse and neglect can ruin what is there.

[TxMom65]

My daughter was in foster care and adopted at age 8. Sometimes at first I was worried that every little thing she did was because of her past. Her counselor was great to point out that some of the things are just her personality, some are just being a child, and some ARE due to abuse. But I am seeing that so clearly now.

Without too much detail, my daughter is the opposite of her birth family in most areas. She has also overcome the lack of nurturing her first 3 years of life and is a straight A student. She is a miracle to those who remeber her when she was first taken into care.

Even with what she has been through, I do not lay blame for her behaviors. If anything, the child is much like my own mother, and that drives me nuts at times. I know that God has a sense of humor.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Stormster

E's bio father is gregarious. E is gregarious. I mean he strolls (crawls) into a group of kids so self confident with this giant smile on his face and he's just like HELLO WORLD! And then I read that it has been PROVEN that gregariousness is a genetic trait!

Stormster, thanks for the link to the article! My son has always been gregarious and outgoing, just like his birthfather was. He can charm anybody in a New York minute, and his personality is so engaging. (BTW, I wonder how many birthdads are gregarious and charming ~ many of them, I bet, lol!)

One thing I've always thought is if open adoption had been available back in the '70s, I don't think my son's parents would have worried as much as they did about his personality and behavior. They would have seen for themselves Mike's and my personality traits, many of which DS inherited...and they would have known it wasn't a big deal. We could have helped them deal with DS's behavioral problems by telling them what worked in our own families. For example, DS inherited our short tempers...both Mike and I come from a long line of people who blow up over small things, but then recover just as quickly. Most of us have learned to control our tempers, and it's something that we teach our children to do.

During the past eighteen years of my reunion with DS, it has been amazing to see how nature and nurture have combined in his personality and mannerisms. It truly is a combination of environment and heredity...

[aallen25]

I would have to say I agree with Stormster....we nurture the nature.

Shiloh is only 10 mths old and already has a very stubborn, my way or the highway, attitude. K will tell you that came from her. I have to admit when I see this attitude come out I sometimes laugh to myself and picture K giving me the same look or acting the same way. It's all in a good way though.

Shiloh is also a confident, little, social butterfly and I definitely give credit to K for that as well. Did I help Shiloh develop into this "butterfly" by not hovering over her and letting her find her way in new situations and environments? Possibly, but I believe the core of that trait comes from K.

[JustPeachy]

In my case, I've had the opposite situation, where my child's adoptive parents have indicated very strongly that he gets his talents and personality from me. Now, I KNOW, he's also gotten other traits that may be not so desireable from me, but they don't mention that. They seem to be very humble about their contributions to his personality and success, but I can clearly see where their parenting has greatly influenced and benefitted him, and where their ability to provide him with so much has allowed his natural, inherited talents and personality traits to flourish, and for new ones to develop under their influence. I see it as more a "team effort."