[Rylee45]

I don't know if this question has been asked here before (It probably has but I don't remember) but I'm wondering about Adoptive parents and their relationships with their children.

Do you think sometimes they may try harder to have a "perfect" child because they adopted the child than if they'd given birth to a child?

Sometimes I wonder if some of the ones who want to be good parents and really are good parents in the fact that they care about their child and not as a possession but as their child maybe try a bit too hard to make their child turn out "good".

I know with all of us who are birth parents believing (or at least convinced) their child will be a better person than they would have been living in our care, maybe some adoptive parents push their child so hard to do all these great and wonderful things so as to prove they are good parents that it stresses them out more.

I know it must be pretty hard on some adoptive parents because they don't want to appear to be a "failure as a parent" if their child doesn't turn out "perfect" to show the birth mother she did the "right thing" in giving her child to them. I don't know.

Any thoughts on this?

Rylee

[TxMom65]

I don't think about my daughter's birthmom when I have high expectations for her. My daughter was in foster care for almost 5 year due to abuse and neglect. At first she wasn't expected to ever talk well, yet now she is a straight A student who is beautiful as well as athletic. She can do almost anything she sets her mind to. This is not due to ME or anyone else. She had this in her.

I want her to go to be happy. That is about it. Yes, I want her to go to college if she wants to because she is so smart and has come so far. I can tell you that had I given birth to her, I would want to the same thing. I expect good manners and good behavior just because that is what I expect. I don't want perfection and would be sorely disappointed if I did.

Nothing I teach her or expect from her is to 'get back' or 'show' her birthfamily. It is all about her.

[JPDakota]

I don't really think that we want our child to be perfect because they're adopted. I also don't think that we don't want to disappoint the birth parents or feel pressure in that way. DH and I certainly don't think about that and I don't personally know any adoptive parents who feel like that. I suppose its possible.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I agree with the others. While it may be possible for some, it's certainly not the case for us. We just don't feel like we have to "prove" anything to anyone, including their birthparents. We are simply parenting our children to the best of our ability and expecting them to do their best at whatever they choose to do. What we always tell the girls is "If you do your best and try your hardest, that's all we ask. We want you to be proud of yourselves and that comes from making your best effort."

[Rylee45]

I just wonder about that stuff.

I guess I've seen some adoptive parents who indulge their adopted child so much that they are spoiled and rude and just plain out people not to be proud of. You know? And they think it's ok the child is like that and just put up with their abuse.

Then there are those that are pushed so hard to do everything and are so worn down that they get angry about life. I know people who have natural born kids also do this.

I have an ex-daughter in law who pushes her kids to excell at everything and won't let them relax. I"m talking every sport that come up at school or community she makes them do. She expects perfection in school work. She does a lot of things to push her kids. She's doing it to prove she's a better parent than their father (who she is divorced from). She's made comments such as, "Well, their dad is an unfit parent and they need the structure in their lives and the only way to do that is to have them be involved in as much as they can be. A Good parent does that for their kids."

But I just wonder if anything that adoptive parents do with the adopted child is possibly due to feeling they have to be a "better" parent or at least look like the better parent than their birth mother could have been.

I just didn't know how the adoptive parents feel on this particular thing. I guess I was thinking they would care about the birth mother's feelings about how the child turned out (if they were ever to meet) because of the fact she gave the child up to give them a "better" life and if the child turns out like my daughter did (completely out of control and uncaring about life or people) would be devastating and cause for a lot of angry feelings. You know? And having that in the back of an adoptive parents mind would be stressful I guess. That's what I was thinking anyway.

Rylee

[Stormster]

I think I probably have higher expectations of MYSELF as an Aparent. I don't think that's a bad thing. Unless I feel I need to be perfect. That's not healthy and I've struggled with that.

I do have an awareness that he was "entrusted" to us so I do my best to be patient ...the loving comes naturally.

Some of it I'm thinking might have to do with many of us being older first time parents. We have more life experience and financial security sometimes. More to spoil with...

I DEFINITELY get what you are saying. But I don't think anyone would say that parenthood is easy and nobody sets out to raise a brat. I don't have any expectations because I have no idea what my one year old is capable of yet I just want him to be happy and a productive member of society.

[missymissus]

I don't know of any adoptive parents who stress themselves out much more than they would anyway just because they adopted the child and want to show that they are just as good at parenting as the bmom would have been.

As a foster mom, however, I think I do put more pressure on myself and worry over little things more than I normally would. Why? Simply because there are people checking up on me at least monthly and deciding whether or not I am doing a good enough job. I'm trying to get better at relaxing abit, but I do worry when things go less than perfectly.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Rylee45 - don't get me wrong, it pleases me enormously to know that the girls' birthmom is happy with the way they're turning out. I guess it's just not a motivating factor in why we do things the way we do them.

Like Stormster, I'm much harder on myself than I am on my kids. I remember the home nurse telling me I didn't have to do everything on my own - and I actually said to her "but I asked for this so I need to be better." Silly, isn't it? I eventually got past that, but it was a challenge.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by HappyTwinsMom

Like Stormster, I'm much harder on myself than I am on my kids. I remember the home nurse telling me I didn't have to do everything on my own - and I actually said to her "but I asked for this so I need to be better." Silly, isn't it? I eventually got past that, but it was a challenge.

UGH I KNOW THAT FEELING. Like I can never say I'm tired or I can't handle the mess, the noise, the crying....I have to be above all that somehow because I ASKED FOR IT. And implicit in my promise to his birth mother was that I could handle everything better than all the other women she could have chosen. kwim?

Sorry Rylee kind of veered OT there.

[mom25-4g1b]

I think I am veering a bit too but I find this interesting. First let me say I have 3 bio kids and then adopted 2 from the foster care system. We have people(who are looking to adopt )approach us that are aware of our adoptions to ask questions. When they find out our son was born drug exposed and our daughter is considered special needs too, ( I can barely bring myself to admit that her special need is that she is biracial- my state sees it that way NOT me) they kind of politely say that since they cannot have children and this may be the only one they get they really want the "perfect" child. I have been appalled by this. I certainly know that this is not the way all adoptive parents feel but we have recieveed this more than once. It is almost as if to say that if they are going to pay that much money they better get what they want. I have always been so shocked I never really say what I want but don't they see that if they did have a bio child there could be any number of problems? Our son is doing beautifully and he was exposed to a lot prenatally. He is 2 1/2 and hitting every milestone. I did not even take Tylenol when I was pregnant and I had a child born premature and die a day after his birth.
Anyway, that has just been our experience. It is certainly not always the case. I think in some ways having bio kids too has really helped us to be better parents to our adopted kids. We will not constantly be questioning behaviors as if they are due to being adopted. We have seen our bio kids do pretty crazy stuff (nothing serious-just funny) and as a parent nothing surprises me anymore!
I think I'll get down off my soap box for awhile. I'm getting dizzy up here.
Sorry to stray,
Mom to 5

[dpen6]

Rylee,

You said that you have seen some "adopted" kids be spoiled and rude, I have seen MANY< MANY biological kids be spoiled and rude. All parents have the ability to bring up spoiled rude kids, I don't think that being an adoptive parent is going to preclude them to bring up spoiled rude kids, or adoptive parents have any expecatation that would have been any differnt if they had bio.

another thing I have noticed about parents is the ability to call other people's children spoiled and rude but tend to think that there "own" are perfect and ignore the rude behavior or make excuses for it.

I can assure you my mom did not bring up spoiled rude kids. He expecations of us were to be good peole and be the best we could be. Kinda likemost of the good parents I have seen.

[alinev]

As both an aparent and a bio parent I can tell you that when it comes to a boys, I do think a bit differently. Every time I question the kind of mom I am, I think "they trusted us to raise these boys better then they thought they were able to at the time" How do you break that trust? As mom to three boys 3.5, 3 and 2, everyday is a challenge. I have everything I need and more but it is still challenging. I ALWAYS feel that I could be a better mom. With my aguys, not just for them, but for her and their siblings as well. It is not about perfection, I just want my DH and I to honor what she wanted for them and trusted us to provide.

[proudmum]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Rylee,

You said that you have seen some "adopted" kids be spoiled and rude, I have seen MANY< MANY biological kids be spoiled and rude. All parents have the ability to bring up spoiled rude kids, I don't think that being an adoptive parent is going to preclude them to bring up spoiled rude kids, or adoptive parents have any expecatation that would have been any differnt if they had bio.

another thing I have noticed about parents is the ability to call other people's children spoiled and rude but tend to think that there "own" are perfect and ignore the rude behavior or make excuses for it.

I can assure you my mom did not bring up spoiled rude kids. He expecations of us were to be good peole and be the best we could be. Kinda likemost of the good parents I have seen.

Yep,,, right with you here on this one!!!!!!!
I also believe that once a child is an adult it is up to them to decide their own behaviour,,,
We are raising our daughter to be the best she can be and to teach her about respect and consequences and self-worth,,,,
We are doing this as her parents,, nothing to do with her being adopted,,,we have nothing to prove to anybody,,,,
And to be honest right now her bmom doesnt even come into the equation when we think about how to raise our child.
All we want for our daughter is to be the best she can be ,, be happy and be a productive member of society,,, i would think that this is what most parents would want for their children adopted or not..

[Rylee45]

depen6, yes you're right there are people who have biological kids who raise them and give them everything they ever want and spoil them and they are rude and people hard to be around. I wasn't saying that only adopted kids turn out like that.

I have seen a lot of adoptive parents who think they have to be better and they have to never spank their kid and they have to do all these things are they'll be deemed by the birth mother as a failure and anger will happen.

It has to be stressful on adoptive parents who feel that way. No one is perfect. Bio parents or A-parents.

You know, I would have been grateful for the adoptive parents of my daughter if they'd loved me for the fact they were able to adopt my daughter. I would have been grateful and felt honored to have given my daughter up if she'd been happy and the agency had not lied to me about that.

I would never have cared if she'd been spanked if the occasion had arised that she needed one. I'm not talking beating I'm talking a small swat on the behind. I wouldn't have been upset if they'd been stern with her or maybe kept her busy or whatever doing things.

My daughter was not loved. She was the device to make the a-mom happy because she didn't want to have anymore bio-children of her own even though she could and she'd only had boys so she just HAD to have a girl.

In the process when my daughter was a challenge to raise she shoved her in group homes, foster care, mental institutions etc and didn't give her the "happy home" I'd been promised she would be adopted in.

She also (IMO) molested my daughter as a baby. She tried nursing her even though she had no milk to do so. She didn't give birth to my daughter.

The reason I say that she molested her by doing that is her attitude about when my daughter was going to breast feed after her son was born. She (the adoptive mom) said , "You know, breast feeding is a sexual thing don't you? It's why boys have fantacies about their mothers when they get older." I don't remember the rest of what she said but that stuck in my mind.

If that is her attidude then when she was trying to breast feed my daughter she was doing it for sexual gratification and not for trying to get close to her new baby! It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about what kind of people were allowed to adopt my daughter!

Rylee

[lovemy6]

I think I am equally pushy towards my bio kids as I am my a-kids. On a day to day basis I really don't think these are my bios, these are my foster, these are my adopted. I only make distinctions on boards like this. In day to day life, we never make that distinction. Our kids all "match" so no one who doesn't know the younger four are adopted ever question it. Some know about the age difference (25 years down to age 8) and ask me if I parent the younger ones differently than the older ones and I tell them no, that I learned a lot from the older ones and since they turned out ok, I figure that the younger ones will too.

The people that I associate with (adopters) actually have said, and I can see it to some extent, that there is LESS pressure when parenting our adopted kids, bc if they don't turn out so well, there could be an excuse why. Our kids are all adopted from fc though, so many of them have challenging mental and emotional issues.

I would be devastated had I placed a child for adoption thinking they were going to get all I could not give them, only to find out they were abused terribly. One of the reasons we adopted our younger sibling set, which were the most difficult children we ever had (RAD), was bc after 2 years, we were afraid that they'd go to a family who wouldn't be able to parent them properly and they'd either be returned to fc or abused bc of their behaviors.

I'm sorry that your child went through what she did after the sacrifice that you made for her. It's just heartbreaking to hear about it, I can't imagine living it.