[mom2zachy]

Rylee:

I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with your adoption. It must be a very bitter pill to swallow when you make such a sacrifice for a child and then find out that things didn't go as promised. I'm sorry for your loss and pain and sorry for your daughter's, as well.

As far as feeling pressure about parenting BECAUSE I'm an amom.....no, I feel pressure because I expect myself to be a good mom and because my son deserves it. I don't parent in comparison to anyone. I co-parent with DH and we are here for our son....to help him to grow to his full potential emotionally, physically, spiritually, career-wise, to be a contributing member of society, etc. I am not parenting him to prove anything to anyone else.

There are many parents, adoptive and biological, who raise rude, spoiled kids. To say why those parents have spoiled kids is kind of an exercise in arm-chair psychology, IMO, but I guess it's certainly possible that, for those that are a-parents, they could be trying to prove something. That seems kind of sad to me....

[Saya]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

My daughter was not loved. She was the device to make the a-mom happy because she didn't want to have anymore bio-children of her own even though she could and she'd only had boys so she just HAD to have a girl.
Rylee

Rylee, I think you've hit the proverbial nail on the head here. Whether a child grows up with their first parents or with adoptive parents, are they being parented with love? Is the child is truly loved for who they are as a person, or are they somehow a device for meeting other ends? IMHO that will make much more of an impact on the child then whether or not the a-parents felt they had to be "perfect." If your daughter wasn't truly loved by the people who adopted her, that's a tragic thing, and I'm so sorry that you and her had to go through this.

I do have high expectations for my daughter, but I think I'd be that way with bio kids as well - it's just me. Maybe though my expectations are different, because I know she may have predispositions, strengths, and challenges that are different from mine and my husband's. In some ways, that's freeing. I can watch her develop with awe, without projecting my own background, you know?

A quick OT note about the breast-feeding thing - I found what you said very interesting. I was just talking to a friend who is a nurse/midwife and a member of La Leche league about adoptive breast-feeding, which is possible. I mentioned to her that I was thinking about it for our next child, but since we have no idea when that's going to happen it seems like it would be hard to plan on when to do any of the hormones, herbal treatments, etc, that it often takes to have a non-pregnant woman produce milk. And she said that it is often suggested that it be tried even if no milk is produced because it's an amazing way to bond and attach with a new baby even if s/he gets nourishment in other ways. So I just wanted to note that "breast-feeding" without milk production is not molestation per se, in my opinion. (That is NOT a comment on what happened with your daughter and a-mom, because obviously I wasn't there and know nothing about it.)

[crick]

Rylie -

I stepped back a bit to really think through your post and one of the things that occurred to me is that perhaps there is some pressure for some aparents to raise the "perfect" child, some likely for their own pressure, but there is pressure of sorts from society too.

For example - We always hear about the negative side in the media in regards to adoption and one of the things your question makes me think about is the common separation the media makes in terms of horrific crimes. "So and so was sentenced today for killing his neighbor. XX was adopted in 1950..."

We've all heard about Charlie Manson and others who have committed awful acts and the point is always made that they were adopted. So for me, I can see how sometimes there is pressure for some aparents to make sure their child never turns out this way. kwim? Not because they really believe their child is capable of such things, but to show others in society that DO relate adoption to all the negative things we hear about.

Or to raise the child that never has any "issues" because there are those waiting in the wings ready to pounce saying "See! He got an F in school and was depressed for years BECAUSE he was adopted". and so on.

There's also the pressure for some to prove to bmoms that they made the right decision or for a variety of reasons I would think.

I do agree with others here that for me, it's pressure on MYSELF and not on my kids. I worry so much that I'm not giving my kids the life they deserve and am not helping them enough to heal from the pain of their history. To be there enough as they go through their ups and downs of feeling their losses. It's not a realistic scenario at all, and yet there are times when I get down on myself for it. (I think we ALL (triad members alike) do this to an extent for a number of reasons)

So yes...I think there can certainly be an element of "perfection" placed upon an adoptee by their parents and yet of course, it wouldn't apply to everyone.

[ocracoke]

If I ever thought about raising the "perfect" child I have certainly given up on that. I only have one child so I have no way to compare adoptive versus biological. I do worry about raising a good person. I want her to be kind and considerate. I want her to be smart and prodcutive. I assume that has nothing to do with her adoption. I want to provide her with the opportunities to be successful. I don't want to spoil her -- the thought just frightens me. But since I do believe that her bio parents loved her emmensely and made the only option that to relinquish her for adoption I do wish that I could show them what an amazing child she is. I wish I could let her father know (her mother is no longer living) that she is healthy and happy and smart. I wish I knew where her beauty and humor and curiosity came from. As an adoptee myself I have never decided on the nature versus nurture argument and I wonder with her, too. I don't think that I am doing anything different because she is adopted, I just wish I could let them know about her since she has come to me.

Samantha

[Rylee45]

Thank you all for your replies and thoughts on this. I really appreciate knowing more about stuff like this.

I'm going to be posting another thread asking another question about adoptive parent's thoughts.

I hope you all don't mind.


Rylee

[katie52]

Riley,
I can see why you would want to know about this. I never really thought of it in those exact terms, "wanting to prove something to bmom" I mean.

The closest to that might be when we put together pictures to send , I DO find myself looking critically at each shot, not wanting to send one showing a dirty dishes in the messy sink, or with one of the kids looking unhappy. I remember once being mad at my husband because he sent the entire DISNEYLAND Birthday roll we had shot ,to the bfamily. There were some 'funny' shots of both the kids crying at Disneyland because they were sooooooooo tired and sugared out. It was the end of the long day and they were both crying cuz they wanted to stay longer, but they were both on overload, and had chocolate ice cream on their shirts and faces, with their mickey hats on, and were clearly in need of a long nap.

Anyway, we got in an argument about him including those shots in the package to the bfamily, and he was like, whats the big deal?
"They were funny, the kids will laugh when they are older. "
I was overly sensitive about it, and I did really worry that it left a bad impression somehow. Looking back I see I was wrong to be so uptight about it.

But the point I REALLY want to make is,[ and maybe it is because we were in the delivery room with both kids, so maybe that has something to do with it, IDK, ]but
we really never think about the fact they are adopted,
in the day to day , minute by minute , situation. When we are raising them, making decisions about how to parent them, teaching them, 'punishing them, praising them, loving them, worrying about them, it is never about BIO or ADOPTED. It is just about life and making decisions.
Now there ARE decisions that have to do with adoption, and then it comes up. Like how to do the FAMILY TREE PROJECT in 2nd grade. lol

Your daughters amom sounds like a real psycho. Please do not judge all aparents like her. lol

[Rylee45]

Katie52, I totally understand what you're saying and it makes sense.

As for the last comment about my daughter's adoptive mom being a psyco, YUP 100% PSYSCO!!!!!!! lol

I've really had a hard time with not judging all adoptive parents as being like her until I came here. Coming here has helped me understand some things and feelings and also realize things have changed.

I don't know how many of the adoptive parents of the era before open adoption or girls picking the parents their child would go to was the "norm" are like my daughter's adoptive parents but at least the ones who adopt children now seem to be pretty good and understanding for the most part of how important the birth mother's being involved or kept up on things are.

I remember back in 1980 when I was asked to be on an adoption panel at a high school to help the kids understand about adoption and be able to ask questions about it. I had only given my daughter up for adoption 4 years prior.

I was the ONLY birth parent there. The others were agency people, adoptive parents, and adopted kids.

The one thing I remember about that experience was how most of the kids avoided asking me questions. It seemed they were afraid it would make me cry or something. I don't know. I just know they didn't look at me very often almost like they looked uncomfortable about my being there. It was weird. I was asked questions a few times though.

The pannel was also allowed to ask each other questions.

Something that was my first experience and knowledge about how an adoptive parent felt was when I asked girls this woman adopted (she had two HS aged girls there on the panel with her) if they ever wanted to find their birth mother and the adoptive mother shot back in anger, "They don't NEED to know who she is or want to know who she is!!!"

That was my first time ever meeting a person who had adopted a child. I never thought in a million years anyone would ever NOT love me for giving my baby to them (even if I had nothing to do with the choice where she went).

After the class I was approached by one of the girls who wanted to know all about how I felt and what it was like being a birth mom and made comments like, "I want to find my birth mother but she didn't want me and doesn't love me and I don't want to disrupt her life. My sister doesn't want to ever know her birth mom. I'm glad that you want to know who your daughter is. I hope you find her."

Her adoptive mom found us talking and was angry. It was a real eye opener to say the least and an experience I'll never forget.

However I am learning so much from this group and it's sinking in more and more that not all adoptive parents are a-wipes like my daughter's adoptive parents are. Not all situations are the same and not all people are angry about giving their child to someone else to raise. I'm glad I can actually ask questions and get answers and learn things when I need to know something.

Thank you all for that opportunity and for the learning I'm able to have here because of kindness and trying to understand me too.

Rylee

[Saya]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

However I am learning so much from this group and it's sinking in more and more that not all adoptive parents are a-wipes like my daughter's adoptive parents are. Not all situations are the same and not all people are angry about giving their child to someone else to raise. I'm glad I can actually ask questions and get answers and learn things when I need to know something.

Thank you all for that opportunity and for the learning I'm able to have here because of kindness and trying to understand me too.
Rylee

Rylee, right back at you. I came to adoption kind of naive about what b-moms go through. I had no animosity towards b-moms, but I had been brainwashed into the "oh she'll get over it" mindset. I have learned so much from you and I'm so glad you have shared your experiences.

[katie52]

[quote=Rylee45]Katie52, I totally understand what you're saying and it makes sense.

As for the last comment about my daughter's adoptive mom being a psyco, YUP 100% PSYSCO!!!!!!! lol ---------------------------

I AM REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT. IT MUST SUCK.==================================

I've really had a hard time with not judging all adoptive parents as being like her until I came here. Coming here has helped me understand some things and feelings and also realize things have changed. ----------------------------------------------------------

Understandable. And it is good that you stumbled on this place.
Our first experience with bmom was unfortunately like your with amoms.
Our sons bmom had 7 kids that I know of. She never parented any of them. She gave the 5 boys up for adoption immediately as each was born, because in her words, " Boys are too much freakin trouble." Her first girl died of unknown causes, and it was pronounced SIDs, but because she had not been home when the child died, alone in her crib, they took her next baby, another girl, and placed her with the grandmother.

She had a miccarriage, then a year later, got pregnant again. The day she went to the clinic, and had an ultrasound, and saw it was a boy, she went to her neighbors and said, " Do you want to adopt my baby?"
They declined, but 5 minutes later I ran into them, they were friends of mine. They saw my crying on the beach, and I told them I had just had another miscarriage. [ I did not know what to do, so I was praying, and asking God to show me the way. Please give me a sign. I asked. then I got up to go home and ran into my friends.]
They looked shocked, because I said to them," I dont know if we should give up on having more surgeries, and try to adopt, or what?"
They were like, WOW, our neighbor wants to find a family for her baby. She JUST told us 5 minutes ago.

SO, as you can see, the situation seemed like it was meant to be, like it was destiny for all of us.
But sadly, I did not have too positive a feeling about bmoms for awhile. lol. NOW i know that they come in all shapes, sizes and temperaments. It is a relief.

=============================


That was my first time ever meeting a person who had adopted a child. I never thought in a million years anyone would ever NOT love me for giving my baby to them (even if I had nothing to do with the choice where she went).
-------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes it is easier to just decide the bmom did not care and that makes it easier for some people . =========================



Thank you all for that opportunity and for the learning I'm able to have here because of kindness and trying to understand me too.
Rylee-----------------------

Thank YOU.=================

[lglysson]

I am an adoptive parent and I think we in general feel we have to prove something. I try daily not to put pressure on my daughter to be better that she is. I fail time and time again, but it is constantly on my mind to not pressure her. She has helped me grow and learn more than I can possibly help her grow and learn.
Blessings