[Mitzi]

After much thought on who and what to ask....duh...why not start here.

I've got a question and I'm hoping I can get some answers or at least some advice..so here goes:

My daughter will be 15 in October, and our adoption is pretty much closed at this point. The last update I got was hmmmm back about 5/6 years ago, I believe.

The last time I asked for an update through the agency, which was about 2/3 years ago, I was told the aparents really wanted me to move on..BUT..wished me well. Yeah, whatever, so anyway.I'll fast forward to today...both of my son's have a MYSPACE, so I was up late one night and was "browsing", if you would, and low and behold, guess who I found?!?!? HOWEVER, please hear me out, I've not contacted her YET. Although, I've been "lurking" reading her comments, looking at her pics--I can tell that she is bitter. Now, bitter about what? MMM don't know...she doesn't say. BUT, I can tell by her comments and her sayings that for 15 she is very VULGAR, SEXUALLY ACTIVE( on one comment, she even says she is expecting!), and curses a lot! WTH I ask myself. Wait a minute, this is the child that I entrusted a family with and was promised and assured that she would grow up in the happiest of homes. Well, that maybe, but what happend? I'm hoping that her parents are not aware of her MYSpace..and well if they are...they are pretty sick folks for allowing all of this to happen or for her to even type some of the things that she types. Obviously, they have been there for her financially, but certianly not emotionally. And last but not least...her mom is a school teacher and her dad is a Dr. a psychologist at that. Ok,so here's my ?---do I send her a message and tell her who I am or do I continue to lurk? I've even thought about contacting the agency to talk to the SW that was there when I placed.

[Rylee45]

Wow, that's a tough one. You might want to try to get another "update" from the agency. Was yours an open adoption because you chose that as the reason for giving your daughter to them or was it up to the adoptive parents "being nice" that you were getting any updates or pictures?

Do you know where your daughter is or is this all done through the agency where you aren't allowed to know where your daughter is except what the adoptive parents "allow" you?

Depending on all that, and exactly what your daughter is going through, you might want to find ways that you won't be "shut down".

The minute your daughter finds out your "lurking" she might block you any access at all from seeing what she's writing or pictures she's putting up.

My ex-husband's daughter who is a minor, was saying and doing a lot of the same things that your daughter is doing (in writing anyway) and she was so vulgar and discusting I was shocked.

She had contacted me because I am her sister's mom (they only share the same dad) and she wanted to get to know me for some reason. She wasn't vulgar and disgusting in the way she spoke to me but it was what she posted on her myspace page that shocked me. I don't know if she posted the stuff for shock value or not but it was bad. Just like what you say your daughter writes.

The next thing I know, my ex-husband is stopping us from being in contact because he found out she was writing me and he didn't want me to have anything to do with his daughter. So she blocked me and we don't communicate anymore.

Why I'm telling you this is unless you find ways that will not prevent you from having the contact because her adoptive parents find out or even possibly she would block you for some reason other than their decision to make her, you could quite possibly lose the ability to at least hear what's going on in her life.

You can't really trust the agency telling them what she's doing because they'll probably tell the adoptive parents about it before getting back to you and they will possibly stop your daughter from being able to be seen online.

Asking the agency for updates again wouldn't alert them to what you've found but maybe they would try again with the adoptive parents. I don't know. But I really don't think it's a good idea to tell them anything. They are for the adoptive parents not the birth parents. They won't care how you feel.

She's a minor and the adoptive parents have the rights to stop you from talking to your daughter or contacting her before she's 18 years old. It stinks but it's the way it is.

If I had continued to keep contact with my ex-husband's daughter I could have been prosecuted from what I understand because she is a minor. You don't want to go through that.

I hope some of this helps in some way. I'm not an expert but I know about getting screwed over by people in authority. It sucks!

Rylee

[agathaj]

Don't panic and do nothing! Welcome to the wonderful land of Myspace and watching birthchildren! I love myspace. I am and have been where you are - only I have met my bdaughter and at the moment she wants no contact. BUT I too found her Myspace when she was 15/16 and she's almost 18 now and so I have been watching for sometime. AND yes the language can be bad at times and yes some of the comments she has written has been vulgar and bitter. Is it being a teen or adoption or a combination of both? Who knows as I am not in her life. BUT her APs are good people and from her MySPace I can see that she has been able to do some amazing things, and she has a great education and is in lots of different things from sports teams to school shows. I never did things like that when I was the same age and I had great parents and wasn't adopted. BTW I do remember swearing a lot and smoking etc at that age. Now I am the sort of person people would like to have living nextdoor - considerate, friendly etc. So don't go blaming everything on the APs because right now they could be stuggling and doing their best to keep their teen on track. I am daily grateful to my bdaughters' parents for being loving, good people. So take a deep breath. And stay calm as it's important that they don't know we are watching or else they will shut down or make their myspace private! If you contact her - do it through another means ie mail or phone her but not through myspace.

[Mommy24]

15, Oh what a wonderful age!!! Who knows why kids at this age say, do, or act they way they do??

I can tell you though, when my bson was 15 he hated his mom, couldn't wait to get out of her house yet today at almost 18 they appear to have a wonderful relationship. Teens are like that, so unpredictable and hormones keep them that way I remember reading things on his MySpace that made me cringe, that made me think "Who did I place my baby with?" But then I realized that we are not perfect as parents whether by biology or adoption and likely they are working their way through those teen years just as I am now with my parented children.

I say "watch from afar" and don't contact her through MySpace, unfortunately my bsons bfather did not take my advice and contacted him through MySpace, not only did it totally freak him out, he closed it and has yet to re-open it. If you really can't just watch from afar I would contact the agency again and try to get something going with your daughters parents, since she is still a minor.

Best of luck!

[Jennasmom1990]

Mitzi...

(((hugs, hugs, and more hugs)))

I totally understand your shock. You can read my other posts to get a better idea of my story. I would advise you to not say a thing. Not only would she possibly shut down her myspace page (your only ability to check in on her), but you could cause yourself a world of grief with the aparents. If you hope for a potential reunion at any time in the future you should tread very lightly.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrit saying that b/c I know in my heart I probably wouldn't be able to do what I am advising you to do, but trust me you don't want to make enemies of the aparents before your reunion ever begins...honestly if you do you may never have the chance at reunion.

Reunion is hard enough, you don't want to add to it by doing something now that you may later regret. Take care and I am sending many thoughts of love and patience your way.

[Mitzi]

Thank you...thank you..thank you...for all of the wonderful advice . I will take your advice and run with it. There are many things I have to take into consideration..and being 15, well that is one of them and a BIG one at that. Your exactly right....15..a teenager...omgoodness! So, for now, I will stay back, continue to check in on her and go from there. I think I will write the agency just for the fun of it to see if I can get an update...but I'm not going to hold my breath!

Shall I get a response, I will post it here. Again, thanks to all of you guys!

[cbrink7]

What happens is myspace stays in myspace...or so 15 years olds would like to think!!!

It shocks me at some of the stuff that the 14/15 years olds (and younger!) put out for the whole world to see because they think it is "adult" to pose a certain way or to use certain language. eeekkkk! I do not think that some comprehend that any person can get a hold of their pictures and make contact-scary stuff. I also think that a lot of kids make up certain identities that they think are "cool" that will get them attention that is not necessarily their true persona. Some of my 5th graders had pages-now that is scary! And unfortunately having a teacher and physiologist as parents does not make them better parents nor does not make a 14 year old not a 14 year old in many aspects (hormones, attitudes, rebellion, peer pressure, etc.)-KWIM...

Anyway enough of my myspace rant hehe

I do hope that at some point you can have a reunion with your daughter, but I agree that contacting her through myspace at her age may freak her out. I would try to go through the agency first and see if you can get an update and/or send a letter. I just feel like at this point it may do more harm than good if you contact her first. Good Luck! I hope you will be able to get at least a letter to her (hopefully more!)

[RavenSong]

I wouldn't freak out too much over your daughter's MySpace page. As some other posters have already pointed out, kids on the Internet often make up "personas" online that don't really match up with who they are in real life. When my teenage nephew and niece first created their MySpace pages, it kind of blew my mind. Instead of encountering my respectful, sweet nephew and niece, I found myself reading their rantings, with plenty of vulgarities thrown in just to make sure we all knew they were "grown up". I still don't know how much, if any, of their pages are true to any degree. I take it with a large grain of salt and plenty of laughter.

I was a pretty good teenage actress, myself. My mom used to worry about the "hidden meaning" behind all my psychedelic posters, collages, and paintings hanging in my bedroom. She wasn't very fond of the huge poster of Jim Morrison hanging above my pillow, I remember that much. (She thought his songs encouraged teenage girls to drop acid and run away from home.) And I think my mom could have lived her whole life contentedly without hearing strains of Janis Joplin's songs coming out of my bedroom at all hours of the day or night. Whenever I'm tempted to disparage of these "young people" today, I remind myself to think backwards on my own adolescence. I didn't grow up to be a serial killer or vagabond. Honestly, if I was a teenager in today's world, I probably would have the most obnoxious page on MySpace that I could possibly come up with. Don't worry ~ they do grow up eventually.

As far as contacting your daughter, I wouldn't advise it. She's only 15 years old, still legally a minor. I would definitely recommend contacting the adoption agency and asking for an update though. This, perhaps, could lead to some type of communication exchange with her parents.

[rainmon]

Yes Mitzi, I agree with the others...tread lightly, don't be tempted......
you don't want to mess this up before it even gets a chance to start.

Ravensong..
if you take those other wall posters you mentioned
( Jim & Janis) then add: Grace Slick and Bob Dylan posters.... add a lava lamp or two and a black light, and the same loud music.... then that would be my room in the 60's exactly!!!! great times eh?!

[RavenSong]

We must be around the same age. Didn't you say on another thread today that you were in San Diego in those years too? By any chance, you didn't go to Mission Bay High, did you? I went back and forth between my parents' houses in Pacific Beach and Clairemont in those years.

And I did have that Dylan poster too!! And one of Che Guevara, one of Jimi, and one of "Mary Jane", if you get my drift. Had the black light, too, but sorry to say that I didn't have a lava lamp!

[rainmon]

Ravensong....I was in San Diego mostly in the summers spending time with Grandparents for many years, then later when my parents divorced we moved down that way and I did 5th grade at kellogg school and Lillian Rice, 6th grade at Marston elementary... a bit of jr.high was at Oferral (SP?)
my sister went to Clairmont high for awhile....then
we moved over to Marin County after that but still spent parts of the summers in San Diego with Grandparents.... I'll PM....

[Jackiejdajda]

I still have that Peter Max Dylan poster..
I went and found it in a used record store..
One of these days I am going to get it framed..

It was on the wall of one of my boyfriends house..
Lay Lady Lay.. is my favourite..

Jackie