[valleysally]

Actually, many months since I last posted here....got to the point where all I was doing was sitting in a motel room and crying, all day, every day, it seemed.......turns out the only way I could deal with my grief was to run away from it again.....course, at least this time I recognized the grief....( hey look ....grief)

When I was last here, I was trying to deal with the fact that my son ( he's 26 ) not only didn't want to be in contact with me in any way, shape or form.....he didn't even want to acknowledge my exsistence......nope, he "belonged to Shirley and David" and that was to be that...

I still can't deal with it...so I don't....as a charter and founding member of the ""if you stick your head in the sand it isn't there club" I have been able to stop crying at least.....but only by not thinking of him.......and .....well.......not possible.......so I tell myself .....he'll come around...I'm such a nice person, .....he's young.....he's a guy.......they sometimes take longer .........

and then I go look at his photogaphs on the art site that I found him on.....he hasn't added anything in two years, but he has been visting the site rather a lot....but he took the self-portraits off his web site.....and the computer I had with those photos stored on it, .....te hard drive crashed...and now ....well I can at least look in my memory, after all I did spend hours staring at his pictures............

And then I got a little piece of news that .............freaked me out.......several months ago, he tried to commit suicide.........called for help before he lost consiousness, but was unconsious for 2 days.......

it is so weird to think that he was lying in a hospital bed, with his other family around him, at the same time I was in the same town, freaking out because he didn't want to know me, and it would have been so easy for him to have just slipped away.

I can't help but feel frustrated, and more than a little bummed out. And I keep reading about all the things I should have/could have done, ....about building a relationship with him.....and the fact that I never did get any counseling....and it was a long time ago, there were no nice web sites like this one....no-one I could talk o about the right thing to do...

I guess I am angry because if I'd known to build a relationship with him, I would have tried.....I was making it up as I went along....and the outcome .....well it sucks.....I have no capabilities to deal with this.....I am stuck here waiting till he changes his mind.....if he eer changhis mind....

ANd no , it's not enough to know he's alive and doing better, no, it's not enough to know he has loving a-parents....and no, it's not enough to know I did the best I could under the circumstances I was in....and yes it is a drag that the only way I can deal with this is to ignore him too.......


I have some serious issues with my luck on this....there's no one to blame but myself....and I guess I would feel better about the whole thing if he were a happy productive adult..... but he's not....and I think I am responsible for that.....if he denies that he is adopted, ( well, kinda anyway) how can he ever come to grips with who he is ???? and since he's not happy with who he is.....why doesn't he get that a big part of who he is, comes from me...

ah ...fooey, I am as confused as he is.....it just sits there, not getting any better....and might even be getting worse....and there's not a blinking thing I can do about it....

[quantum]

(((((sally)))))

I'm glad you're back. I hope that being here and talking about it HELPS at least in a tiny way.
How hard this must be for you. I do hope one day he's willing to make contact with you, since I know you feel you can help him with the way he is (I remember you saying how artistic he is and how you are as well).

Hang in there sister!