[julie23]

i am wondering about coercion... i have found myself making the assumption that teens or women in their early twenties are targets of coercion.... or at least, can view placing their baby as "the right thing".... in many ways, how people talked to us who relinquished pre-1990 ...

but.... the statistics claim that teenagers and younger women are not the birthmothers of today.... that these women are choosing to raise their babies...

the statistics claim that women placing today are in their late twenties.... thirties, and even forties....

many of them are placing a third or fourth born baby... while they are raising the first children....

are these women susceptible to the same type of coercion that we were? or a teen mother would be?

aren't they more informed, simply by already parenting and understanding how difficult parenting can be? possibly realizing that the strain of a third baby would be nearly impossible for them to manage?

especially since public assistance no longer offers increases in subsidy for more children?

when a 35 year old pregnant woman expecting her 4th child says "i want to place this baby with an adoptive family in an open adoption." is that truly equivalent to 16 year old saying the same thing?

i am interested in opinions.

julie

[bmomto2_momto2]

My story is slightly different than the scenario you posted. However, I did place a fourth born for adoption. I was raising two of the first three (number 2 placed for adoption after a failed attempt to raise him myself). I was 21 at the time of the last adoption. I was on welfare and they did give you an increase in benefits. I never felt pressured at the time (at least not on a conscious level). I think now I felt it, even if it was not meant to be that. The worst part is it came from the birthfather (now my husband). He just said... "we can't handle another child". I even tried to change my mind once (before she was born). He just talked until he was blue in the face reassuring me that this was best for the baby and that we could not do this. I relented. He was never mean or aggressive but I had the wind taken out of my sails from the first adoption so it didn't take much.

[BrandyHagz]

I think we have to be careful not to put everyone in the same group.

I was not a teen and I did not place my first born...and although I don't feel I was coerced, I was lied to/misinformed and purposefully uninformed…I would have still made the same decision I made (placing my daughter) but it would have been nice to be respected enough to be handed the truth and facts – rather than a bunch of propaganda.

[julie23]

He was never mean or aggressive but I had the wind taken out of my sails from the first adoption so it didn't take much.

i am curious what you mean by this... was it that you felt the first adoption was "right".. or was the first adoption so awful, and left you so decimated, that you didn't have the self-confidence to believe you could actually raise this baby?

I think we have to be careful not to put everyone in the same group.

i think this is why i am asking this question.... i think too many people lump "birthmothers" into the same category... and i do not believe it is a good thing... i think there is a wide range of women who have sought adoption as a solution to an unplanned pregnancy.... i am interested in all those experiences... and how they differ....

and i am wondering if the same type of language persuades all women towards placing... or if women in different situations are more susceptible to specific kinds of pressure....

i suppose i would like to recognize the aspects of our culture that pressure women into adoption... or at least make some of us view that as our only option... understand?

julie

[julie23]

and although I don't feel I was coerced, I was lied to/misinformed and purposefully uninformed…

and brandy... this might be what i am looking for ...

that it may not be coercion... or even pressure... simply that we are misinformed.... and THAT is what needs to be set right in adoption reform...

julie

[JustPeachy]

and i am wondering if the same type of language persuades all women towards placing... or if women in different situations are more susceptible to specific kinds of pressure....

i suppose i would like to recognize the aspects of our culture that pressure women into adoption... or at least make some of us view that as our only option... understand?

I didn't feel pressured, coerced or lied to in my situation. I weighed all my options and found adoption to be the best choice of those options. Even though it was difficult, it was still the best choice under the circumstances.

[bmomto2_momto2]

Originally Posted by julie23

i am curious what you mean by this... was it that you felt the first adoption was "right".. or was the first adoption so awful, and left you so decimated, that you didn't have the self-confidence to believe you could actually raise this baby?

My first adoption was terrible and traumatizing. I did have a little girl about 6 months after I signed the papers for the adoption. I clung to her. I was separated from the man who would later become my husband and so he had nothing to say about that child. I had experienced being overwhelmed and having no one listen to you and my son had paid the price for it. He almost paid for it with his life (medical reasons). I did not want to take a single risk with this new baby. If an adoption was going to occur, I wanted to be in control right from the start. My daughter's adoption was like that. However, I think I could have just as easily raised her myself if my husband had not placed the doubts in my mind. Of course, I was old enough to make up my own mind... I just don't think I had a good enough rebuttal to convince myself that he couldn't be right about needing to place her for adoption.

[EZ2Luv]

You know, I often think about this whole age related coercion thing. As an adoptee who was placed in the closed era that some refer to as the BSE, it is highly unlikely that my bmom was a frighten coerced teen. I can only go by what I have been told since she never gave me the decency of honestly disclosing who she was(my amom's sister).

All I know is she was soon to be 28yrs old and just did not want a baby at that time in her life. Albeit, she was unwed and iin those days it was a big no no especially in our culture. I have been told that hse had no desire to see me or hold me after I was born and that even though her sister(a large family) offered to help her raise me, she had in her head she wanted to place me for adoption and that is exactly what she did.
I also noticed a trend in the unmarried teens of today, it is nothing like it was even 10 years ago. These young girls want to be mothers and they get alot more support from their parents than the teens of before. I know in my family alone, my cousins have grils that have gotten pregnant and adoption was never even a thought. It was more like "Oh BTW, I am going to be a Grandmother, so and so is having a baby"

I do think that this is much better than before when parents wanted to hide their girls away and were ashamed. Also, older women, I would think would be stronger and more able to think a decision through because they have more life experience. It isn't like a 33yr old women is going to have to drop out of high school, but more of her possibly knowing what she is capable of doing as far as raising a baby.

Anyhow, I am curious to read some of these replies.
EZ

[MkMw]

I can't speak for anything but our situtions - there are 4 b-parents in our lives 3 were 35 or older at the child/ren's birth. There were "extenuating" circumstances in all those cases - but not necessarily uncommon ones.

My DD was baby 6 for her birth Mom who was 38 at the time. She is not raising any of them. Adoption for her was only sort of a choice. If CPS had known about DD prior to her making an adoption plan, they would have taken her (b-Mom had no official pre-natal care). I don't know if bio-father has any other children, none were mentioned in the report, and he denied paternity.

My sons' bio-father was also in his mid-30s and against the adoption, he was however in no position to parent them or to help their birthMother parent them (still isn't). My sons' are his 5th and 6th sons. He is not active in their lives either. The oldest never (I don't even have a last name for him), and the next 3 he was actively involved with until sometime before the boys were born. We have limited contact with him, and it is mostly focused on the boys we are raising.

I don't know if that helps or not - coercion? Well, I agreed to send the boys bio father updates if he agreed to go to court that day w/o an attorney (I WOULD HAVE SENT THEM ANYWAY) - him not agreeing would have been another 6 weeks and it wouldn't have made a difference in the end (and I still would have sent the updates even if we'd have to wait - I understand where he was coming from - as it is he still refused signed, the judge TPR'd. (He was and is in jail). Do I think he took a chance and trusted me? Absolutely. I also heard him as their birthMom if she was sure. And, the judge asked him about 6 times re-explaining his rights. It was a very weird day in court - one of my sons looks just like him and it was the first time in close to a year that their birthMom had seen him.