[Jennasmom1990]

Let me start by saying that I just got back from a 4 week visit with my DD...before I hear about how jealous any of the other birthmom are let me just say it was a disaster!!

At the beginning of our reuniona lot of people have repeatedly told me to try to remember that she is not my child that is is the aparents child, I always thought that they just didn't understand the whole adoption thing. Now I know how very right they were. Yes, biologically that is my daughter, but she is someone else's child. My child would never act the way that she does. I have 3 other children that I am raising and each and everyone of them has been taught to love others, respect everyone, and take responsiblity for their themselves and their actions. She has been taught that there isn't anything that money can't or won't buy or get you out of. Because of this she has no concept of of money at all..I will give an example of that later in this post.

J is 18 and extremely immature...she makes my (very mature) 16 year old look about 80. J is the most selfish, immature, disrespectful, and irresponsible 18 I have ever met. It is astounding. She has no idea of what it means to be involved in a family dynamic at all. J has the foulest mouth I have ever heard, everything was cussing. She is the only person I know that can use the "f" word as a noun, verb, pronoun, adjective, and anyother way the english language allows. She constantly picked on my 9 year old until he would cry, she called my 11 year old (with high functioning autism) a stupid autistic retard, and then proceeded to fill my 16 year old in on the uses of a hooka (sp?) pipe. (There is more I want to talk about in regards to her treatment of my other kids, but I will do it in another post.)

It was a very stressful, and disturbing visit.

My husband and I met with her adoptive dad on one of the last nights we were there to try to explain to him why we felt a university in our area might be a good option for her. That it was not bc it was close to us but be my step-mom is the head of housing there, my dad, uncle, aunt, husband, and sister all work for this university. That we would be able to some what keep an eye on her, bc she is very much on a pattern of self destruction and still battling drugs and alcohol (despite being in an emotional growth boarding school for 2 1/2 years.) The adoptive dad said that he wanted he to stay in his area and attend a community college for 1 year and prove that she is wanting to go to college for an education and not an expensive party life. If she would agree to do that and maintain at least a C (a C?) grade point average he would send her to any university of her choice. Plus if she would stay he would put her in an apartment, buy her a car, pay for school, and give her a food, clothing, and entertainment allowance. This is the point that I went crazy...Are you kidding me? He had just sat there for like an hour complaining how high maintance she is and how much money she costs him, and he is just going to hand her a car, an apartment, food, and clothes just so that she will stay in Maryland with him. UGH!!! No wonder she is the way she is... (there is a ton more about this convo that I don't want to go into right now, but I will soon.)

I had her shopping at the mall one day she wanted me to buy her a juicy couture outfit for $395.00, when I refused to do it she called her adad got him away from a patient he was seeing (he is a gastro doc) just so she could ask him if she could put it on his bloomingdales credit card. he said yes without even asking how much and why!!! Then he wants to complain about the "monster" he has created.

J jas a bumper stick on her Facebook profile that reads...I create akward moments becasue I think they are funny. And that my friends is a very true testament of her character...I am not kidding. That bumper sticker couldn't have been more correct. My in-law's took all of us (including J) out to eat one night to a place that J had raved about. She ordered a $21 meal took 2 bites out of it and screamed that the food was terrible and that she hated this restuarant, and would never be coming back. She then started dumping all kind of different condiments all over her food "experimenting" to make it taste better (yet she never took another bite of it.). The icing on the cake was when she let out the biggest loudest f**t I have ever heard and then started laughing and giggling about it. Then when the stench hit she was talking very loudly about how horrible it smelled, and about how lactose intolerant she is yet she had ordered a milkshake with her dinner. Then she proceeded to ask the waitress for air freshner bc her little sister just f**ted and it stunk. (my 16 year old just about crawled under the table from embarassment)

When I tried to discuss her behavior with her all she would say is...I'm 18, I'm adopted, and nobody controls me. I told her...Listen here little girl that might fly with G***a (her amom) but it is not going to fly with me. Then I told her that I expected her to apologize to my in-law's or I was taking her home and she could forget about spending any more time that night with us. She looked me dead in the eye and said...Then take me home because i don't owe them anything. So home is exactly where she went!

I wasn't back home a full day when she called to tell me that she had a car accident and totaled her amoms brand new car. She was doing 70 in a 25 on a rainy day and hit her brakes too hard and spun out of control. She spun across her two lanes of traffic, up over the center median, across the other two lanes of traffic, jumped the curb on the other side of the road, and then plowed in a fence. Now if that isn't a true testament of her being self-destructive then I don't know what is. Oh and did I mention that she had a car full of her friends with her? She is so lucky that everyone got out alive, and for the most part no one was hurt. That was on Friday night (the accident), when I talked to her Saturday night she informed me that her and her adad had been out looking at new cars for her all day...and that she had found one (a 2008 toyota 4 runner) and would be able to pick it up Monday when she got off work. These people are nuts...she couldn't drive her amom's car in a responsible manner yet they went out and bought her her very own brand new car. (to do what with??? wreck???)

I hate to say this but she is so out of control and they are so willing to let her self-destruct that I had to tell her I need a break from her. It was the 2nd hardest thing I have ever done, but I know it is in my and my family's best interest. After making the sacrafice that I made 18 years ago to give her a better life, it is completely out of the question to ask me to sit back and watch them let her self-destruct. This was not what I hoped for when I placed her with them, and certainly wasn't what I bargained for when I went into this reunion.

I guess what I am wondering from the other bmom's here is...am I out of line by telling that for as long as she is on this path I can not be a party nor a witness to it. That until she can mature alittle (ok A LOT) and be accountable for her actions then I just need space from her. Is that so wrong?

[josh1788smom]

WOW - I feel for you. What a situation. I have no experience with this type of situation, but I would wonder if she is not testing you A TON.

Clearly, her family has different solutions to situations than you do, but that in itself does not make them wrong or bad. When you lost her to adoption, you, unfortunately, lost her to your fairy tale. I think many birthmoms may place with the best of intentions, 'cause God knows, we have been brain-washed with all the propaganda of how 2 parents can love and provide better for our children than we possibly can, etc. But in truth, there is now guarantee the child will actually get that.

I think you need to do what is best for your children you are parenting. You made a commitment to raise these children a specific way, and you have started down that path. Just as you would any other destructive person, her influence on them needs to be tempered until she grows up a little.

That being said, I also think if you give her ultimatums, etc. she will use words you never knew existed as she berates you with her sailor talk (this coming from a person that can use the f word in every possible way - noun, verb, adjective, adverb, etc - but the difference, I am 37 and also know when it is not appropriate with my kids, parents, grandparents, etc) - oh how you had to be mortified with your in-laws!

I am thinking this visit was a little L O N G - and perhaps you can make them MUCH shorter and without your entire family in the future. She has met all the key players, she doesn't have to interact with them for the time being. I cannot imagine how hard it had to be on your husband to watch her insult his kids and make his daughter uncomfortable. Shelter them from her.

I would say she is probably trying to see if she can drive YOU away. So, have your relationship with her, without letting her torment your family.

Maybe you can message her, see her for lunch, etc. When she wants to do something more global with your family - give them an out. I'm sure with 3 kids, one with special needs, there is a lot going on in your house all the time.

Good luck with this. I do not envy your situation, but want you to know you have my support in every way!!

Sorry if this is long and disjointed, I hope it helps.

[Rylee45]

Oh my GOD you have got to be kidding me! I thought MY daughter was bad in what she did when we met. My daughter is an angel compared to yours!

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. But in my opinion, you shouldn't feel bad about needing a break and maybe even cutting ties.

I had a horrible experience with my daughter when we first met and I had to send her back home because I couldn't handle the way she was and what she was doing to our other kids. She was really REALLY bad in the beginning. But did different things than your daughter is doing.

She wasn't doing anything like what you're experiencing with your daughter but I couldn't handle a lot of what she's done and recently (this year) decided not to have any contact with her.

I will probably change my mind eventually but even though she's been trying to contact me again and I've given in a few minutes of my time, I just can't deal with her shinanigans and doing the things she does and saying what she says and her LONG periods of time not contacting me "until she's ready" to (which upsets me because she knows how I feel about the contact issue).

Because your daughter is SPOILED and completely ruined by her adoptive parents thinking they had to give her everything she wanted to make sure they didn't lose her love, she will probably always be that way.

Your daughter will probably always think she's better than you and your family. She will always expect everything she wants and she will get it because her adoptive parents are buying her love. Or so they think she loves them for it. She sounds like she doesn't love ANYONE. Not even herself.

I sure hope you can get through this and stick to your guns on what's best for you and your family. You raised good children (so did I) and the children we (you and I) gave up for adoption turned out to be completely out of control and having "issues" that make them treat us like crap.

My daughter was abused. Your daughter was given everything she wanted whether she needed it or not and both our daughters suffered as a result. The EXTREME of both ends. It's so sad!

I'm just so sorry you had to deal with this. She may or may not ever change but the way she is now, I don't think she will be changing anytime soon IF she ever does.

I sure wish I could help you. All I can do is say I understand somewhat of what you're going through.

Rylee

[Jennasmom1990]

Josh1788smom...

I agree that the visit was very long, but this visit was planned back in Jan and the call from my DD didn't come until March 23. You see my husband, children, and I lived alomost 20 years in the area that my DD currently lives in. So we have lots of friends and family that live there also. This trip was planned so that I could spend 3 weeks visiting friends and my side of the family before my husband flew out to join us for the last week. When she caught wind of my vacation she decided that she wanted to spend as much time with us as she could during that trip getting to know me and my family better! What a mess!!! Now I feel like I need a vacation from the vacation and I was gone for 4 weeks. I hate to say it but after the first 10 days of her doing everything in her power to consume me, I had to tell her that I needed a break. that the other children needed time to process meeting her and such. Your right she berated me up one side and back down the other, but I did stick to my guns about it.

I just couldn't stand the picking at my youngest son, that probably got to me the most. Not because he is my favorite (he isn't i treat them all equally) but because it was like her mission everytime he was in her presence. Her whole goal would be to make him cry and then continue to tease him about being such a "cry baby". The problem here is I don't allow my children to tease and pick on eachother. I just don't allow it. Does that mean they never do it...no of course not, but honestly they rarely do. It is all in the upbringing...it seemed like the more i asked, told, or begged her not to do that to him the more determined she became to do it when I wasn't looking and then lie about it once she had him in tears.

I think that was my BIGGEST issue with her...the lies!!! My raised children have been taught not to lie and when they do or did then they were punished for it. She lies all the time about everything...and I do mean everything. I went inot the bathroom one after she had used it and the toilet hadn't been flushed, so I asked her to please come flush the toilet....her response was...I flushed it when I was done, someone else must have done that. The only problem with that was...nobody else had been in the house all day, it had been just her and I. HMMM...

I agree that she was testing me, but even toddlers don't do it every minute of everyday. She wanted to come back home with us so badly and all I could think about was the fact that I would lose my other 3 children trying to undo the damage that has already been done with her. She is so much work, and I still have 3 other children that I am raising. Most importantly I can't and won't expose my other 3 children to most of the things she does with her life. (the smoking pot, the drinking, the loose sex, the foul mouth, the lack of respect.) No matter what I said to her I just couldn't get her to grasp that concept. That it wasn't that I didn't want her, I just couldn't have her around acting the way she does.

What bothers me most about my needing a break is that we are talking about an 18 year old with HUGE abandonment issues, so Im sure my telling her I need a break isn't going to help. But again this is not just about me and her there are other children involved. (minor children at that) Besides I know in her mind if things didn't work out with me she would just go back to her aparents...only problem for me on that is my other children don't have another family to run to while she makes things rough in their home. They are stuck, and that is unfair to them. Plus honestly I think she would cause a lot of problems between me and husband if she came to live with us. She told him to his face...you are not my dad and you will not speak to me unless I speak to you first. You have no right to be in my life other than you are married to my mom. To be honest I was totally surprised he didn't kill her, he would NEVER tolerate our children talking to him like that.

So again I have to take a step back and re-assess the situation. The length of the trip was good from me in one way...a month ago I would have gotten down on my hands and knees and begged her to come live with us, and I wouldn't have had a clue of what I was getting into...after 4 weeks I know that I simply can't even dream of having her move in with us.

BTW the whole reason that the moving in with us came up was because her amom is so threatened by that after the first 2 days of her spending time with me, her amom said that maybe J should just plan on going back home with me and living with us. Didn't even consult me and whether or not that would even be an option.

[JustPeachy]

What bothers me most about my needing a break is that we are talking about an 18 year old with HUGE abandonment issues, so Im sure my telling her I need a break isn't going to help.

I think if I were you, I'd need more than a break! Despite the abandonment issues, you cannot let her walk all over you and your family. If she is pushing people away and then blaming them when they want nothing to do with her, that is something she will have to work on, if she ever realizes she needs some serious therapy.

I cannot imagine how your daughter can even keep friends acting this way! Does she have any?? I also can't believe her aparents allow her to act like this and continue to spoil her rotten. The whole thing sounds so terrible, and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[josh1788smom]

Trust me - Jenna'smom - I so can relate to what you are saying. I, too, have 3 small parented children, and my husband and I both come into this with children from previous relationships. I have similar going on with his son, not as bad though, but the potential exists because of his background.

Like you said, your kids don't have another family to go back to, or even to be able to take a break with. How much physical distance is between you and bdaughter? (I had something else typed here, but removed it - it wasn't a cuss word, but I think she is acting like a little nut job purposely).

I guess the long and short of what I was trying to say is - can you use the distance to your advantage? Build the relationship with texts and e-mails, then maybe next time you are in town, you can get together for a short time. If she wants to see your kids, say they have plans with another family member or friends that day since they rarely get to see them too.

Does that make sense?

If you are far enough away, you can take a break without telling her you need to take a break. If you work, maybe you could say you've got something at work that is going to consume more time than usual in the next week or two, but that you will still e-mail or text every couple days.

You've got to take time for you in all this!

[keds]

Jenna'smom - so sorry you have to go through this. She is obviously testing everyone but, at the same time, I don't question others parenting methods (no matter how much I disagree with them). I can see however that, from your post, she does receive what she asks for and that she isn't necessarily responsible or mature. Teasing is for 8 year olds (although we have a friend who is almost 50 and it seems that it is his only pastime!). In any event, IMO you are best to take a break. Obviously, she is pushing everyone around to see how far she can get. I'm amazed at how some young people speak to their "elders". My parents would crucify me if I spoke to anyone the way you say she spoke to your husband/children.

I am concerned that her amom said she should "just plan on going back to live with me". Sounds like there are other issues here. I do hope that she realizes that you are caring, loving parent, and you are right to protect, for lack of a better word, your other children. It is so sad to see a situation like this where you are trying to embrace your child but can't. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

[julie23]

i am so sorry you are going through this...

julie

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Jennasmom1990

LI guess what I am wondering from the other bmom's here is...am I out of line by telling that for as long as she is on this path I can not be a party nor a witness to it. That until she can mature alittle (ok A LOT) and be accountable for her actions then I just need space from her. Is that so wrong?

Absolutely not. If her parents will not create healthy boundaries for her, you can.

[mickeybaines]

It sounds to me like she is extremely jealous of your other children. Bullies are only bullies because they are insecure. It sounds like she hasn't had much direction or discipline in life and she needs what your other children have.

I am an adoptee who was raised by a mom and dad who brought me up right. They weren't afraid to discipline my brother and I for fear that we wouldn't love them. I have other adopted and non-adopted friends whose parents let them walk all over them. Those were my friends that were always making bad decisions. Bottom line children need boundries. They actually thrive on it and it is what makes them feel loved. I see that you already know that based on how you have raised your other children.

If it was me I would definitely keep her away from your other children for the time being but I wouldn't cut her out of my life completely. I think your love and guidance could do wonders for her. *hugs*

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by mickeybaines

It sounds to me like she is extremely jealous of your other children. Bullies are only bullies because they are insecure. It sounds like she hasn't had much direction or discipline in life and she needs what your other children have.

I am an adoptee who was raised by a mom and dad who brought me up right. They weren't afraid to discipline my brother and I for fear that we wouldn't love them. I have other adopted and non-adopted friends whose parents let them walk all over them. Those were my friends that were always making bad decisions. Bottom line children need boundries. They actually thrive on it and it is what makes them feel loved. I see that you already know that based on how you have raised your other children.

If it was me I would definitely keep her away from your other children for the time being but I wouldn't cut her out of my life completely. I think your love and guidance could do wonders for her. *hugs*

I agree. The first swear out of her mouth I would have starting to set boundries, When she started attacking my other children she would have been in the car and dropped off at her house. No tolerance there. I also would have told her that as much as mom needed to know about her, she is FAR to IMMATURE to deal with this reunion. AS much as mom may have given birth to her you will not tolerate that kind of behavior. When she is ready to deal with the aspects of reunion on a mature level and not hurt the other in her life with bad behavior, people that had nothing to do with adoption, you will be there .otherwise it is not going to happen now.

Thats why I am so leaning towards the reunion to be done when the adoptee is 25 or older.....

[agathaj]

wow...sorry to hear that the f2f didn't go so well...when I get sad that I don't have a relationship with my bdaughter I often wonder if there's stuff going on in her life that would make it messy - I am grateful that my life's wonderful - if she was part of it perhaps it wouldn't be so wonderful???

[Jackiejdajda]

Jennasmom1990

I guess what I am wondering from the other bmom's here is...am I out of line by telling that for as long as she is on this path I can not be a party nor a witness to it. That until she can mature alittle (ok A LOT) and be accountable for her actions then I just need space from her. Is that so wrong?

Welcome back!
I am so sorry you had a hard time.. it sounded awful..

While reading your post I kept thinking of Dr Phil and how he tells stepparents that they can not discipline the child.. it is up to the core parent.. the one that raised he or she from birth..

And if you try and discipline them they are going to resent it.. and not listen..

I think you got the same issues..

Jackie

[lahdh4]

So sorry to hear that it didn't go well at all!!! I think you need to set up some boundaries for not only yourself but for your other children as well.

(((HUGS)))