[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Gosh. I think you were right in every decision you made during that visit. The only way to prove you are a loving, caring parent to her is to be one to ALL of your children. What would it say to her if you allowed her to continue being so ugly to your other three?

How heartwrenching this must be. I am sure you had dreams of how this reunion would go and none resemble the actual reunion. Saying a prayer for you and ALL of your children.

Kim

[RobinKay]

Her parents are her parents. Take your break!!!! Your children need to see you handle this well-and distancing yourself from this is a good choice for you.

I am so sorry to hear about the situation. Will be thinking of you and praying the 18 yr. old grows up quickly!

[Jennasmom1990]

I just want to thank everyone for being so supportive, as myself and my family go through all of this. As of yesterday my DD told me to go F**k myself and to never ever contact her again. All b/c I told her that I'm not sure she is mature enough to handle the kind of relationship we have. It is not a typical mother/daughter relationship and it never will be. She has been throwing guilt trip after guilt trip after guilt trip at me over the pass week, and I jsut couldn't take it anymore. I am tired of hearing about how she isn't as important as the other 3 and that is why i put her up for adoption, that something must be wrong with her and that is why I rejected her, and blh, blah, blah... Honestly I have lived a lifetime of guilt in the last 18 years over this, I really don't need her to put me right back there when she is feeling malicious. So I told her that until she matures and can handle the dynamic of our relationship I just can't be a part of her life. I also told her that she could not bounce in and out of my life through my family...meaning don't contact my rasied daughter (who is only 16) to discuss what a horrible person I am. Which she has done in the past, I'm feeling quite lost and lonely right now b/c I never wanted to have to do that. But I really feel as if she has left me no choice. I am finally learning that I don't have to feel guilty for the choice I made, and that it is ok for me to live my life to the fullest even though I made the choice to put her up for adoption. I don't want or need her to drag me back into that pit of despair just b/c she is hurting and wants me to hurt right along with her.

I myself have been on such a path of self-destruction since all this happened 18 years ago. When I was told that she had been killed in a bicycle accident at the age of 9, I went into such a depression. I just as well have been the driver that alleged hit her. I felt it was my fautl that she was dead at such and early age, that if I hadn't put her up then she wouldn't have been in the situation she was in when she was "killed". So my loss and grieve has been incredible, now that I am learning to deal with it I don't want to go back. Is it fair for her to constantly try to drag me right back to that place just b/c she is hurting and needs help? Yet the aparents won't force her to get any help...it really is a shame b/c I think she has great potential...and I do love her so very much, but I just can't be part of her life if I am nothing more than a punching bag to her. Is that so wrong?

[julie23]

no .. it's not wrong. it is okay for you to have boundaries... it is okay for you to say "no. don't treat me this way"

i also understand your concern for the children you are raising... it is a really hard thing, for the whole family to deal with the hurt and acting out....

i am sorry it is so awful for you... you don't deserve it. you really don't. so many of us did the very best we could do... and so many people seem intent on punishing us for the rest of our lives.

j

[lahdh4]

You are not wrong. You are not a punching bag and do not deserve to be treated as such.

(((HUGS)))

[lalgee]

You are completely and utterly right in your thinking here!
You would not be "friends" with someone who didn't treat you well, and friendship is something to be earned with mutual respect and kindness. You are not obliged to associate with anyone, and I wouldn't give someone the time of day that has treated me as she has done you. The total lack of respect she has shown for everyone who is important to you is disgusting.
You should absolutely cut communication with her until she can earn your trust in a respectful and loving manner. That may never happen, and it sounds like she will try to manipulate and undermine you, but you sound like a firm woman who commands respect for your boundaries. That is what it is going to take.
Stand strong, you deserve what you are asking for.
My heart goes out to you in this difficult situation.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by Jennasmom1990

She has been throwing guilt trip after guilt trip after guilt trip at me over the pass week, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I am tired of hearing about how she isn't as important as the other 3 and that is why I put her up for adoption, that something must be wrong with her and that is why I rejected her, and blah, blah, blah... Honestly I have lived a lifetime of guilt in the last 18 years over this, I really don't need her to put me right back there when she is feeling malicious.

(((hugs))) I agree. I think as mothers we feel enough guilt as it is....and birthmothers get MORE than their fair share. You were right to stop contact....at least for now and until things change/improve. You owe it to yourself and your spouse and children at home. It wasn't healthy to continue the abusive pattern it has become. I understand she is hurting, but she needs to find ways of venting her frustration and communicating her pain without inflicting it on others. Just calmly telling you she is hurting and that she feels "second best" compared to your parented children and that she feels there is something wrong with her and rejected would have gone much further in healing herself. You could have responded to all of those emotions had they been presented to you in a rational manner and not hurled like accusations and daggers. I think fit throwing is all she has ever known to communicate her wants/needs....and unfortunately it is not working for her this time. Perhaps she will learn new avenues of communication thanks to your boundaries. You are helping her....it just doesn't feel like it right now. You are showing your other 3 such a healthy way of how to handle people like this though!

Again, (((hugs)))

Kim

[Jackiejdajda]

Jennasmom1990

Honestly I have lived a lifetime of guilt in the last 18 years over this, I really don't need her to put me right back there when she is feeling malicious. So I told her that until she matures and can handle the dynamic of our relationship I just can't be a part of her life.

Oh lordy ths must hurt..

Julie you are so right about boundaries and protecting oneself..

I am so sorry this is happening..

Jackie

[JustPeachy]

You are doing the right thing. Being a punching bag for your daughter to abuse is not going to do her any good, and it will only drag you down to a place where you do not need to go.

It sounds like your daughter has serious issues that need intensive therapy. It's a shame her parents don't recognize this and do something about it. Perhaps your daughter will, at some point, realize that she needs help and get it for herself. There is really nothing you can do for her right now other than what you have done (suggesting she mature and leaving the door open for when/if she can have a healthy relationship).

[zxczxcasdasd]

I think you made the right choice for now.

I'm not as forgiving as keds (awesome lady that you are ) because I do in fact, have some judgment for these aparents. Maybe because I've seen it happen to J's close childhood friend...but chronic indulgence ruins kids's lives. When they don't learn personal respsonsiblity, respect for others, or consequences for their own actions, it honestly destroys them. And I hate to see kids' lives destroyed. It can cripple their ability to ever be happy productive adults if they don't know how to take responsibility for their own choices and behavior. Ugh, it sounds so much like J's friend, including the emotional growth boarding school that seemed to have no long-term impact at all beyond just keeping him safe while he was there and learning all the right buzz words to say when you want something. The only difference is that he's not adopted, so it's less complicated than your situation.

I'm so sorry your daughter wasn't cared for properly, and I'm sorry that you and your other children have been hurt by it. I think you have done the right thing to protect your other children and to hold reasonable standards of behavior as a condition for her having any contact with you.

I'm just sorry that you have to. (((HUGS)))

[rainmon]

Jenna, have you ever read any books on the
"Tough Love" method or way of dealing with some children? or teens that are out of control.
It sounds like this could really help you in dealing with your b-daughter, there are books on the subject and maybe also if you google it you could find out more about it.
and sending a copy to the a-parents also would be very helpful so you can all be on the same page with dealing with her outbursts and manipulations.
good luck and hope this helps.

[rainmon]

I guess there are "tough love" support groups that meet in lots of cities. families bonding together to help and advise each other.

[cbrink7]

I CANNOT believe that she behaved this way. Not to make light of your situation at all, but her behavior reminds me of all those reality shows like Sweet 16 and the like. I catch those every so often when nothing else is on and the way that the parents indulge undeserving, spoiled and bratty children infuriates me! As hard as your decision must have been I truly believe that you teach people how to treat you and you have hopefully taught her (although she is probably not aware of it yet) that you will not stand for such treatment from her (or anyone) towards you or your family.

Hopefully at some point she will mature and you all can have a relationship, but I think you have done the right thing for now! Good luck

[Pen2005pal]

I am right there along with you. But brace yourself, my story is even worse. This same mother who coerced me into my adoption, is now trying to adopt her own daughters children privately too. Her daughter is a mess and defintely not in the best nature to make a lifelong decision, yet, I can't get her the help she needs.

He is now 19 and has the worst mouth and disrespect for me. He cusses at me and does almost every disrespectful thing you mentioned. I am at the point where I need counceling.

To make matters worse, his mother doesnt' care how he treats me. She has told him lies that represent that I never loved him. He told her he thinks I am a liar about the adoption.

This has taken a tool on me and my health. It has been very destructive to my emotional health and physical health. It has been destructive to my other biological kids, my husband, my family, my minitry and my job as a housewife. I told him I would never leave him again, but I can't do this "punching bag" thing anymore.

I regret my adoption. I was coerced and emotionally foreced by a private adoption and it just wasn't fair. If I had a choice, I would have never have chose them. But I didn't have any choice back then. Long story.

I need a hug someone.

[EZ2Luv]

I have read this thread a few times and tonight I just have to chime in. There are NO excuses for unacceptable behavior. Be it from a relinquished adult child, adoptee or raised child. You do not deserve to be treated in such a manner. No way No how. I think too many times Bmoms carry such guilt that they allow these adopted adult children to step all over them. This is simply not acceptable andas an adoptee I can tell you that I would never ever trat my Bfamily or Afamily in such a manner.

As parents we try to understand where the behaviors are coming from but that does not justify being treated horribly.

If the Aparents are unable to draw boundries, that is not your problem. As a Bmom you have every right in the world to say NO or set some boundries. This is not a baby you are dealing with, but an adult that must be responsible for her actions.

I am so sorry you were treated so poorly and your raised children were subjected to her outright cruelty,

You need to take care of yourself and if that means saying no visits until Bdaughter is able to behave in a mature respectful way, so be it.

This isn't even about tough love now, this is about self preservation.

EZ