[Monster]

Hi this forum thing is really new to me so pardon me if im off topic..Ill make my story short and sweet i had a little girl 7 years ago im now 25 i lost contact with the adoptive family due to moves on both ends, It was always open with letters pictures and they kept there promise to always keep me a aprt of her life..Well two years no contact and i finally got a call FROM HER! Apparently she has been curious to who i am what i do allot of things so they tracked down my father and called me..

She lives in my old home town i moved when she was born cause i couldnt stand the thought of being around but not around, now im 24 housrs drive away..

Point is she at six had called me to personally invite me to her 7th birthday mind you this is my first time talking to her or seeing her since the day i gave her up..

I never knew her father and im scared to go home what if this time i cant let go i think i honestly did what was right but i know i be a great mother someday how can i tell her but just not to you i feel so hurt and scared please help with any advice im very open..

Sorry if i seem to ramble but i have never gotten help or really ever talked about this issue in my life now that i have to come face to face with it im totally petrafied..

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Monster

Hi this forum thing is really new to me so pardon me if im off topic..Ill make my story short and sweet i had a little girl 7 years ago im now 25 i lost contact with the adoptive family due to moves on both ends, It was always open with letters pictures and they kept there promise to always keep me a aprt of her life..Well two years no contact and i finally got a call FROM HER! Apparently she has been curious to who i am what i do allot of things so they tracked down my father and called me..

She lives in my old home town i moved when she was born cause i couldnt stand the thought of being around but not around, now im 24 housrs drive away..

Point is she at six had called me to personally invite me to her 7th birthday mind you this is my first time talking to her or seeing her since the day i gave her up..

I never knew her father and im scared to go home what if this time i cant let go i think i honestly did what was right but i know i be a great mother someday how can i tell her but just not to you i feel so hurt and scared please help with any advice im very open..

Sorry if i seem to ramble but i have never gotten help or really ever talked about this issue in my life now that i have to come face to face with it im totally petrafied..

It's okay for you to not want to see her right now. How about sending her a birthday card, a small gift, and a picture of you? If you have a picture of yourself at that age, that would be very nice to give her.

Take your time about contact--wait until you feel comfortable.

You are already a good mother--you gave this little girl a wonderful life when you placed her. How sweet she must be to have wanted to call you up and invite you to her party!

[bprice215]

Hey you are okay and I agree with you on the point that you will be a great mother when the time is right. It took a lot of courage for you to ask these questions so I know deep down inside you must truely be hurting over your adopted daughter calling you with an invitation to her seventh birthday party. I agree with what RobinKay said, it's not a crime for you to not want to go for the very reason you stated. That was the reason I chosed a closed adoption, the less I knew the better for me. And you know what, it worked out great for me too, my daughter is 25, graduated college and is working for a CPA Firm in Texas. We've meet and told each other all the things we need to tell each other. It was wonderful and we both were ready for it too. Just as you shall be ready for your reunion someday. Take care and best of luck to you.
bprice215

[belleinblue1978]

Ok, I'm going to be different. Sometimes as first parents we do things for our kids that hurt, beyond just the original placement. Seeing my son is a mixed bag of emotions for me. I can't tell you how much I love him and great it is to see him growing and stuff BUT it is hard to hear him call someone else mom and what not.

You really need to think about the choice that you make now. Your daughter may very well read this as a rejection, even as young as she is. That is a huge hurt as well. It hurt me when I was 26 and it hurts me now at 30 that my firstmom doesn't want contact with me.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves out there for our kids, no matter how much it hurts us.

[JustPeachy]

When is the party? Do you have some time to weigh this out? On the one hand, I can totally understand your fears about this. And coming out of nowhere, I would feel blindsided by it all (who wouldn't?). But I would also be concerned about how my daughter might feel in this as well. Can you talk to her parents and express your concerns to them? If it's a 24 hour drive, and you have no other way of getting there and/or if it is a very short notice, I think you can gracefully decline in a way that your daughter could understand, without feeling rejected. If you decide to go this route and not attend, I would definitely send a card with an update and picture(s). Maybe you can open the communication this way to re-establish what you had before with the more regular updates.

[loveajax]

Monster, I am an a parent in an OA, and I have to say that I don't think the aparents handled this well at all!!!! They should have given you a heads up, asked whether you could make it to the party, etc. without putting you on the spot like that. It kind of makes me mad, to tell you the truth.

I think you should talk with her a parents about what is going on. If you feel comfortable going to the party, great! Maybe you would prefer a more intimate setting, I don't know! And if you are not ready for a visit right now, that's OK too....I think kids are more "understanding" than they are given credit for and she is old enough to understand how far away (geographically) you are. I do think it is so sweet that your DD wants you at her party!

Good luck!!!! Karen

[thanksgivingmom]

I have to agree with Karen when she says that the aparents handled this poorly. They needed to contact you first so you weren't blindsided by this. (Even if it was a *good* blindsided!) Hopefully you can talk this through with them so you're not put in an awkward position again.

I do think this is a great opportunity to expand the openness especially as it's on your daughters terms and it would appear that she's part of that decision making process. Very cool, and yes, very sweet.

I'm in an open adoption with my daughter and YES it's hard. Some think that visits should be all joy and rainbows for firstparents - we're getting to see out kids after all! But like Belle said, it's HARD too. There are a lot of emotions to deal with and work through before and after a visit. But also like Belle, I do it for my daughter to establish the relationship with her (she's nearly 20 months) so that she'll always remember me as a part of her life.

Best of luck to you!

[Monster]

Everyone i was worried noone would respond to me..I must say i really appriciate the time you all took to read and give your opinion..Yes i feel you are correct i was totally blindsided but better that then nothing i say i have always ran away from things i think it was time i got put in my place...Second i must tell all of you i have to go for two reasons, My mother was a drug addict alcoholic who ruined my life starting at 2 till now i remember her telling me i will come i promise and i would wait and wait and wait till the sun went down i would go to my room angry and cry there is one thing i promised my little girl when she asked i would be there i would never be the person to make her cry or let her down..

I found out who my rapist was when i was 7 months a man i knew very well. off that the thing is i need to see her face and hold her because even tho she was a force of nature i could not handel there was not a day that passed that i did not lover her with every part of my soul..When i was younger i thought i wouldnt be able to love her or see him in her but now that i do im proud she is all me all me and full of joy and life i owe myself and her to let go of my hate and fear and accept for once she is a part of my life.

Sorry kinda went crazy there i just need peace in my life. And you all are the begaining to my stepping stone to freedom i never felt more accepted and free to talk about this thank you all of you. I got her a great card thanksgivingmom loveajax i talk to the birth parents they feel she is strong and she asked to do it alone the never wanted her to feel she couldnt exspress herself not sure how i feel on that myself yet..Peachy i will be going in September not much time but my job and boyfriend are truely supportive of it..Belleinblue thanks for your concern you are a dear but i cut my emotional unbilical cord with her the day of, i am not her mother and i choose to accept that with adoption i have become greatful and strong she has a mother a father and older sister cousins granparents these are all thing i could have never giveing to her ever in my lifetime so to see her alive happy the words she says and the names she uses (mom,dad) are the one gift i gave her i will allow her to use them to make herself a great person..Bprice you were wise in your decision i wish i had more contact with my emotions when i went threw this but i was young scared and alone but i wouldnt change a thing now but the prayer that i dont loose it when i see her

Again a i hope i got a chance to respond to all of you thank you again..

P.S i sent pics and a letter to her, but i want to know the questions she has been asking i ask the birth family but they are short about it also i want to go to her birthday but i wont know anyone and im afraid i will cry i dont want her birthday memory to be of her crazy crying birthmom..Any suggestions?

[sstuart]

It sounds like you have gotten things in order. I am one who can easily not let myself in public. I was always told it was a sign of wekness and I do NOT let it happen. If you begin to cry excuse yourself and go the the bathroom or outside, pull yourself together and go right back in and have a great time..

I am sorry that your DD was a product of a rape. I believe that does make it more difficult, because it brings all those horrible memories back up. You are a strong person to be able to work through this.

These forums are a great place to vent, get advice or just listen and learn.

Keep us updated.

[Jackiejdajda]

Monster

i have always ran away from things i think it was time i got put in my place...Second i must tell all of you i have to go for two reasons, My mother was a drug addict alcoholic who ruined my life starting at 2 till now i remember her telling me i will come i promise and i would wait and wait and wait till the sun went down i would go to my room angry and cry there is one thing i promised my little girl when she asked i would be there i would never be the person to make her cry or let her down..

Have you done any Adult Children of Alcoholic work?
There are meetings everywhere..

My heart breaks for what you are going through.. I am an ACA.. and I gave a child up for adoption..
Please stay with us.. talk about what you are going through..

I found out who my rapist was when i was 7 months a man i knew very well. off that the thing is i need to see her face and hold her because even tho she was a force of nature i could not handel there was not a day that passed that i did not lover her with every part of my soul..

You know what is best to do.. and you can get through it.. I met my bson and I was able to keep my emotions in check.. I only cried once..
Us ACA’s are good at this stuff.. IMO

When i was younger i thought i wouldnt be able to love her or see him in her but now that i do im proud she is all me all me and full of joy and life i owe myself and her to let go of my hate and fear and accept for once she is a part of my life.

Yes.. A rapist is a power tripper and wants to control.. You survived it.. and like others have written you made sure your little girl was okay..

P.S i sent pics and a letter to her, but i want to know the questions she has been asking i ask the birth family but they are short about it also i want to go to her birthday but i wont know anyone and im afraid i will cry i dont want her birthday memory to be of her crazy crying birthmom..Any suggestions?

I did it.. I stopped the tears real good.. It can be done..
And there are some great OA moms here who know how to handle this kind of thing.. Keep asking..

Jackie

[Monster]

It truely is a blessing to have all of you to talk to for the first time in my short life i have been happy kinda free from something it feels. People have said i seem more inlightened and with a since of peace not so up tight and bitter..

I think i owe all of you some thanks for that, I been able to sleep with the light off and the window open and im not so afraid to walk to my car at night..

I have not talked to my child or the family since the last time i wrote. I still feel strong about my feeling on that i cried the other day at the store i saw the most beautiful little girl in line infront of me, she must have mistaken me for her mother she was to busy trying to convince me (her mother) to bye her candy, she grab my hand mommy can i then she looked up and realized it was not her mother and jumped ahead kinda nervous but i had allready started to cry i had to leave the line..The point of this story is if i cant handel a stranger how am i suppose to keep my composer with my own flesh and blood this fear has grown while others have faided i feel kinda in limbo never truley free from this one life event..

I guess my question is i would like true events i would like those that would not mind to tell there story how they did what happend and how they kept there feelings in check..Thank you

[JustPeachy]

I haven't reunited with my child, so I don't have a true story for you, but I'm wondering if it would be so bad if you did cry in front of your daughter and her family, should you decide to attend her party. You could excuse yourself if things get too emotional, but I think your daughter's family would understand, you know?

You can also consider calling your daughter's parents and letting them know you are struggling with this (so they don't think you are brushing them off), and maybe they would also be able to help you put your mind at ease or come up with a plan for you that if you want to attend and you do "break down," they will be prepared to handle things so that it won't feel so awkward for you.

It sounds like you'd like to attend but are just afraid of "over-reacting." I know it's hard, and takes a lot of courage to do somthing like this, but you won't really know how you will actually be on that day unless you try to go. If you don't want to go, that's ok, too, but I get the feeling you'd like to attend.

[Monster]

Yes i truely want to go for many reasons.I see what you are saying and im sure it is a very good idea i will be calling them today to talk but as soon as i call they right away give my child the phone to talk after im done talking with her i seem to be at a loss for words and the concversation at an end..I try to Email but its always short but sweet ugh how do i battle this at both sides without starting a war

[Monster]

To everyone that has been talking to me about my situation i have talked with the a family they have come up with some really great ideas we have decided to have two parties one of my family that is left and a second with her a family they have asked me to come to both of them saturday will be my day alone with her and imediate family so we can talk and hang out so when i go the next day she wont feel so uncomfortable well i think that goes for both of us..I cant wait im so excited and as for who i am she will call me by my first name as the relationship grows we will go from there.

I want to thank you all for giveing me the faith and courage to do this and the best advice i could ask for thank you

[JustPeachy]

Monster (it's so hard for me to address you as "Monster" 'cause you surely don't seem like one!), I'm happy this worked out so well for you! Keep us posted on how things are going.