[Janeytwo]

Dear AlisonMarie,

when I look in the mirror, I am often surprised by what I see. I see someone pretty, looking confident and happy, when I don't feel that way inside at all.

Nodding. The putting on of the "brave face". Projecting happiness outward to protect ourselves from the scorn and judgement of others when in fact we want to scream out, "Help me!!! I'm frightened, haunted, alone!!"

I often use the term in here "the vampire's mirror". It's like through trauma we can't see our true reflection; we only see ourselves as we think others do. Or our reflection is distorted by past trauma. To see oneself clearly, without fear, without regret. That is the true journey I think.

but I know the real story. And I think most people would be surprised

When you feel strong enough or safe enough with us, perhaps you would share some of your story. There is always something for others to identify with and learn from in the life of another.

And welcome to the forum too by the way!

[Janeytwo]

Hey Jackie! Hey Everybody!

I never miss the chance to challenge the hero message when a woman gives a baby up for adoption..

I had posted in here a few days back about the one sentence I most hate to hear. "I don't know how anyone does that." (re. surrendering our children)

I hope this next stuff I say doesn't get misconstrued. I fear that sometimes on this subject I sound arrogant. Eeek! I hate arrogance. Anyhoo...

I have never been able to get my head round the 'I don't know how anyone does that' statement. I take it as either a back-handed insult (and on at least one occasion that's exactly what it was) or as people trying to peghole me as a saint in order to placate their own fears.

A saint. Hah! I am many things, ain't none of them got anything to do with being a saint. And anyways, I would not want to be a saint. Saints die terrible deaths - at least that's what I've always seen on TV.

Seriously, I cannot take credit for something I did because my back was against a wall. It's easy in some ways to make a decision when you're there at that place where it's do or die.

And even if a person wasn't in quite that situation, there's a lot of pain there. You would think outsiders would tred with caution but they don't.


Thanks for the kudos on my writing style!

[quantum]

You know what Janey, I SOOOO bought into that hero thing!
I think that was the key to part of my depression about relinquishment. I'm here saying 'Hey look I'M A HERO! I gave my child to someone who couldn't have children.' And people don't want to know. They change the subject, they stop talking to me. And the pain is so there. If I'm such a freaking hero then why doesn't anyone want to talk about it? If I'm such a freaking hero then why do I feel so dirty and so bad?

btw I'd have to say my most 'favorite' (insert dripping sarcasm here) comment about my relinquishment here was a friend saying 'ooh I could NEVER let someone ELSE raise MY child. I would rather have an abortion.'
I forgave her right then because she was going through hell, but wow did that cut deep. Now that she's together in her life I must admit I'm angry. And sad.

[JustPeachy]

I have never been able to get my head round the 'I don't know how anyone does that' statement. I take it as either a back-handed insult (and on at least one occasion that's exactly what it was) or as people trying to peghole me as a saint in order to placate their own fears.

Janey, I struggle with this, too, along with the variation on the same theme of "I could NEVER do that!" My initial reaction is to think it's a back-handed insult. But a friend of mine pointed out that there IS a lot of courage and bravery in going through with placing a child for adoption, whether it was your choice or not, and the person making those comments is really indicating (consciously or not) their own inability to be so strong. She took it as more of a compliment, believe it or not, not to say I am a hero or martyr for doing what I did (making that "ultimate sacrifice" and all, another term I don't feel comfortable with--I'm not a frekin' saint!), but that most people would not have the strength to go through it all. I understand my friend's point, and do believe it takes an extraordinary amount of strength and courage to follow through with an adoption plan, but inside, I don't feel these comments are complimentary. I see it as anything but. I do think, though, if some of these folks who say "I could NEVER DO THAT" were in our circumstances, in my case, knowing my limitations at the time, knowing that I wanted so much more for my child, knowing I didn't have the family support, the readiness to parent, etc., they could, INDEED DO THAT, if they wanted those same things for their child that I did. But my very wise friend pointed out that not everyone could, and in fact, many don't, and my saying that was projecting onto the other person what they could do, when clearly they are saying they couldn't. It's about them, not about us, I think, but for some reason, our self-esteem won't allow us to see it that way. We take it as a negative judgement on our character, when all they are doing, perhaps, is saying what they believe they would be incapable of doing, no matter the circumstance. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but find the psychology of it fascinating!

[Monster]

Hello Everyone,
Im so overwhelmed so many of you have come to my site to post for all and any reason it fills my heart with joy.
AlisonMarie welcome to my life lol i love myself for what others see on the outside i just only wish the inside matched the outside But as my days go from up to down im learning that i really need to except myself and then maybe others will, kinda late huh.
Janey, Thanks for your support and kind words they really do mean allot to me well needed today, and as for i dont know comment well INMHO people suck they say some things are better left unsaid i think in moments like this is when it should get used more i feel if i wanted your opinion i would of asked but people always seem to think its ok to just give it, i have very sensitive skin to peoples opinions maybe i need to grow some thick skin in life, what i did was by no means easy it was necessary there is a big difference in my mind.
Keds, Well i dont know your situation i will look for it today to better understand, i think if your unhappy and need a change of senery then get on that boat of happiness if in your heart you feel your running away then take a moment to see why your so unhappy and see if there is anyway for that to change without a move???
Jackie i always look forward to your post so thank you im glad your feeling better and sorry the dairy thing is still rough but once you get use to the non dairy life you wont miss a thing , Thanks for makeing me always feels welcome to open up.
Quantum, I like you you remind me of myself allot, nice to see im not the only one that feels a certin way and for the hero thing we all buy into it in our own way i personally never felt like a hero i felt like a failure but as peachy has showed a new side of things it has opened my eyes to another point of view one i can except. As for the people never want to listen i feel that to the bone my family is that way if we dont talk about it then its not there well it still hurts so shut your mouth and open your ears for once is what i want to say, but as i read more and see other post come to find out i think people are afraid of what to say to us its kinda double jepordy for them as my sister says if we do sit and listen then we have to care and to care means we have to admit there is something really there and that is scary, but again not talking cause a build up of emotions to the point you shut down or explode there is no handbook on this she said to me the other day so we have to make our own rules on this dose not mean everyone will follow them or even like them so set them for what you want them to be and open your heart and mind to the things that may come your way..Sorry kinda rambled allot i hope i got my side of things across
Peachy all i can say is thanks i think allot of us needed to hear what you wrote but i just wanted to say thank you cause i sure did and its nice outside people can be so open minded and careing to these situations, I like the fact everyone is so open and friendly here and wise wow wiser then most people i meet im happy to call all of you friend and have your support , i hope to become a better person by takeing pieces of all of you to better myself and my life.

[Janeytwo]

Hey everybody!

Quantum

I'm here saying 'Hey look I'M A HERO!........And people don't want to know. They change the subject, they stop talking to me.

I think people have become wimpy. They don't want to be reminded of the tough decisions in living; don't want to delve in there and learn and grow. Life's been sanitized to a degree, you know? People have taken all the ickey-stickey parts and shoved them into quiet corners, then thrown blankets over them and locked the closet.

It's like with death. There used to be wakes. People would come by a private residence to pay their respects to the dearly departed or bask in the glow of the hated enemy's demise. LOL!. Either way, they'd have a drink and sit around toasting the memory of the loved one.

Of course I understand the need for funeral homes. But it seems like now all most of us do is visit the funeral home for twenty minutes to an hour (depending on how well we knew the deceased). We go up to the closed casket, make a comment about how nice the flowers are, check out the photo montage, silently say a few words at the casket itself and then sit around making small talk, counting the minutes till we can make good our escape.

And you know very few services are done at gravesides now; at least around these parts anyway. Now it's mostly like this: A few brave souls make the drive to the mausoleum where they stand around the closed casket and then there's a quick prayer and then everyone goes to lunch. And the casket goes into the ground after everyone's left - out of respect for the living; out of respect for their grief. Well maybe that makes it easier for the living but I don't see that that's respectful of the dead. Shouldn't we see our loved ones through to the very end, if only out of homage to their memory?

I don't think it's wise either. I mean, there's like a non-ending in that IMO. People should still go to the graveside and stand there as the casket's lowered in. They should howl and sob or sit there inwardly calling the deceased an effin jerk and wishing them good luck at their new location. But people would rather not do any of that. It's too upsetting.

In many ways, we have lost a lot of our humanity me thinks.

why do I feel so dirty and so bad?

(((( Quantum )))) Feelings aren't facts. A fact I need to remind myself on of an hourly basis some days. I think you are quite spectacular actually! :-)

'ooh I could NEVER let someone ELSE raise MY child. I would rather have an abortion.'

Shaking my head. Us humans never cease to amaze me with the depths of our callousness.

JustPeachy

We take it as a negative judgement on our character, when all they are doing, perhaps, is saying what they believe they would be incapable of doing, no matter the circumstance. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but find the psychology of it fascinating!

Makes a great deal of sense to me. And you're right, it's interesting how we all do this kind of thing in the face of great loss. Maybe it's a kind of protection. But from what? Hmmm.....Intriguing..........

Monster You're welcome buddy! But don't forget, you bring good things to this forum too! Though it's hard to call you Monster. (Did someone else say that? I am old and forget.) But it's hard to call you that. Hmmm....we need to do an anagram of your name. Let's see....

Hey! How about "Rest Mon". Sounds Jamaican! LOL! And a beach in Jamaica sounds like a place to go to me!!! I vote for an annual Adoption Forum Day to take place at various beaches!

Hugs to everybody!

[quantum]

Thanks Janey and Monster.
You guys rock.
Rest mon, you crack me up!

I LIKE the idea of adoption forum day on the beach. Can we have a WARM beach though? Although you're always welcome to come to my frozen beach.

Just a clarifying thing, maybe I should say I TRIED to buy into the 'I'm a hero' thing. I'm not sure I ever beleived it really. Part of the whole conflict of all this.
Blergh.

Monster, I think I get what you are saying about listening and caring and talking and not talking and how confusing it all is. I'm especially struggling with my mom. I WANT her to ask about my son and so on, but if she does I get angry, if she doesn't, I get angry. She can't win here. Then she was expressing how hard it was, she's in contact with him but trying not to go over the top, and how she's missing the years we didn't have with him. I just couldn't face HER pain. Heck I'm struggling with my own. I don't want to know about hers. Too much.

Take care all! Soon the weekend...

[Jackiejdajda]

Quantum

If I'm such a freaking hero then why doesn't anyone want to talk about it? If I'm such a freaking hero then why do I feel so dirty and so bad?

I think we humans need to share our pain.. make sure someone else gets it.. that what we have gone through is awful.. or whatever..
I remember watching John Bradshaw in the eighties or nineties on TV saying.. "What happens when superman wants to cry? Wants to have a breakdown".. and I had an ‘aha’ moment..

Not giving ourselves permission to break down.. being the hero at the cost of ourselves..
And the ones that put ourselves into that role.. basically cut themselves off from our pain.. take a pass from acknowledging it.. because superman does not cry.. does not act ‘wrong’.

I think we have to force people to talk about it.. take us with the good the bad and the ugly.. that is what love is anyway..
I can remember standing up to my husband and saying.. “You have to hear me.”
I was the hero because I kept my emotions to myself.. when I came home from the hospital I did not cry.. I did not throw a fit.. I did not make waves.. I just suffered in silence.. and in turn cut myself off from myself..

I was a hero because I never told my sister.. and that in turn destroyed our love for each other.. our relationship..
Before I got pregnant my sister and I would connect on a level that was love.. after that I did not understand love for my sister..
Family..

It separates us.. and we need to break down that wall.. and be who we really are.. Say what we are really feeling and if others don’t like that we have changed so be it.. take the hit.. know them for who they are because they want their silent hero..

Jackie

[Monster]

Wow its so great to hear so much about everyone so much love here

Quantum boy do i feel you on your mother and your situation i use to be the same way i would cry out for someone to talk to me and once they did i beat them up and shut them out, (how could they understand why do they fake the i care i really do, why are they really here?) Quantum I love my family and i have a twin and an alcholic drug addict mother who has put a child up for adoption and i still cant find a friend in them to talk to, yes it breaks my heart but as i have come to realize (in my family) not even the ones who have walked our road of shame,quilt and sadness can open there hearts to us and sometimes those are the ones who hurt us the most. I am a silent hero i guess more a silent cry baby lol i talk to myself and you all and i find it works for me the harder i try to involve other people the more they back away. So all i would say is take care of you first then bring the others into your life. I wish you good luck

[Monster]

HAHAHA,
I missed the "rest mon" part that is brilliant .
Well i choose monster cause other the other good names were taken and two im kinda like the big furry one off of monsters Inc "kitty" a freak on the inside but sweet and cuddly plus it really kinda fits me.. Still happy to see everyone posting its nice