[Monster]

Thank you Quantum,

Really i know it was for a reason it had to be i just cant figure it out yet. Life is hard already with normal day stress i dont understand why mine had to get so complicated i love my daughter i do. But i kinda hate my life sometimes i wish it was easier sometimes to just live it.

[quantum]

I hear you sistah! I've definately been there.
Things are good for me now, but I had some down down times.
An emotionally abusive relationship really took it's toll on me at one point in time, and I could almost feel effects of something like that on you in what you've said.
Someone beats you down enough, you start to beleive them.

There is hope though! You just need to believe in the good of yourself.

[Jackiejdajda]

Monster

Really i know it was for a reason it had to be i just cant figure it out yet. Life is hard already with normal day stress i dont understand why mine had to get so complicated i love my daughter i do. But i kinda hate my life sometimes i wish it was easier sometimes to just live it.

You got lots of time to sort this..
Your birthdaughter has parents.. they sound like good parents and IMO they need to decide this what is happening..
You can inform them as to what is happening.. even tell them how you really do not know what to do on terms of hurting who is involved..

There are some things we can not sort and the wisdom is finding out what they are and then accepting the letting go..
I know I used to think I could sort everything and if I did not people would get angry.. and upset.. and if people got angry and upset they would all be looking at me.. and angry with me..

Remove the victim.. I think it was John Bradshaw that said that..

Get out of the way of things you can not control.. take care of you..

I understand about how you want to make good on the rape.. and give up on yourself in order that you birthdaughter will have happy thoughts..
Not a good thing to do IMO.
You are a person of the first order and loving the self is prime here..

Prime..

We can not fix things for everyone.. cant control others and how they act and react..
Your birthdaughter has two adults that have her best interest at heart.. Let them parent..
You get to have a life.. you get to find your path to happiness and joy..
Or you get to find your path to accepting what has happened in your life.. learning from it..

Love Jackie



From Melody Beattie.. from Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps..

Page 22..


...."I hate that I can't control... I hate being vulnerable and
helpless. I don't like feeling uncomfortable or being in emotional
pain. I get sick having to detach and surrender. But the love affair
with this step comes in when I admit the truth.. I am powerless over
much in my life, and when I try to have power where I have none, I get
crazy. I can't control others, no matter how much I want to, no
matter how much better I think I know what's right for them.


I can't control what others do, think, or feel, whether or how they
choose to interact with me, whether or when they choose to grow and
change, and whether or when they choose to recover from their
addictions.


Sometimes I can't control myself.


I'm powerless over the backlog of feelings and negative beliefs I've
accumulated. I'm powerless over my own and others people's addictions,
including addictions to alcohol and misery.. I can't control my
children or other people's children.. I'm powerless over results,
life, circumstances, events. I can't control the course of
relationships.. I can't control timing..


God, I wish I could control timing..


But I can't..


..............further down the page..


When I try to control people, I make them and myself crazy. When I try
to control addictions, the addictions control me. When I try to
control what others think of me, I turn into a puppet on strings.
Controlling makes me and others crazy. It puts me under the control
of whatever I'm trying to influence. I lose myself. I lose touch with
myself.


And other people get angry with me. and tend to back off..


When I try to control situations and circumstances, I set up blocks
to events moving forward.. When I spend time and energy trying to have
power when I have none, I lose my ability to live my own life..

[Monster]

Jackie

You are so sweet to me, I think im just down on myself cause im haveing personal issues and its just easy to lay down and die, Thanks for the support i think i will take a few days off of life and rethink what it is a really want and need.
Im sad and i need to find the happy me again i use to be so full of love and life smile all the time i want that back i need that back. Thanks again for all the love

[Monster]

Quantum,

You are so right i been in one bad relationship to the next not just men even family, its so easy for them to judge you and be evil and mean but its interesting to see them look at there ugly faces in the mirror im so sick of feeling im dirty and worthless cause of what happened to me that it has changed me i want to be seen for who i am and i know im a great and beautiful loveing person i still have found all my heart to give even though its been torn to a thousand peices why cant people see that part of me and not always this thing called baggage. Ugh im so bothered i deserve to be happy to!!!! This dose not change who i am it only defines who i will be!

[Jackiejdajda]

You are so sweet to me, I think im just down on myself cause im haveing personal issues and its just easy to lay down and die,

You are special to me..
I have been off line.. not posting..
I am playing catch up.. there is a thread about me somewhere.. I will search for it soon..

I had bad tummy aches.. I have stopped milk products and it is gone.. lactose intolerance..
Doctor told me to try it..

So I am back in business..

Jackie

[quantum]

Originally Posted by Monster

Quantum,

You are so right i been in one bad relationship to the next not just men even family, its so easy for them to judge you and be evil and mean but its interesting to see them look at there ugly faces in the mirror im so sick of feeling im dirty and worthless cause of what happened to me that it has changed me i want to be seen for who i am and i know im a great and beautiful loveing person i still have found all my heart to give even though its been torn to a thousand peices why cant people see that part of me and not always this thing called baggage. Ugh im so bothered i deserve to be happy to!!!! This dose not change who i am it only defines who i will be!

Monster- you are a great and wonderful person and you DESERVE to be happy. Baggage is baggage and we've got the kind that the airlines don't lose (unfortunately). I've been in that bad place, but I'm out of it now. It takes a long time,and a lot of support.
I know you can do it too.

It's ok to take care of yourself!

[Monster]

OH Jakcie,

Im sorry to hear that it sucks to stay away from dairy but thanks for posting when you can, I have found allot of subsitutes for dairy my sister is the same way so pm me if you need any good ideas .
Hope you feel better.

[Monster]

HAHAHAHA Quantum good come back i wish my my Air plane would take me somewhere warm and with a beach i hear that is a cure for almost everything. Thanks for all your support im going to try and find all your stories so i can get to know you better it has really been a big help to have you all in my life. .
Today is a good day but soon i hope to have many more

[quantum]

Horray for a good day!

And horray for hope.
:-)

I'm glad you're feeling better

[keds]

Quantum - Hi!
Jackie - hope you're feeling better
Me - thinking it's too much and I'm going to leave it all behind and start anew. I love my family but maybe a clean break and living on a different continent would be the best. Anyone ideas? Not running just saying this isn't for me.

[quantum]

Maybe a nice vacation in Sweden is what the doctor ordered Keds?

Seriously though, are you in therapy at all? I actually DID 'run away' at one point in time in my life. Well, ok a couple of times. It just became new problems in a strange place *sigh*

((((keds)))) it sounds like you are having a rough time right now. Are you going to be around when I'm in Buffalo next April?

[Janeytwo]

Hey Monster!

im so sick of feeling im dirty and worthless cause of what happened to me

......

i know im a great and beautiful loveing person

I put these two quotes sort of next to each other because - IMHO - this is how such a journey to the self plays out. Low downs where I despise myself - way ups where the world is my oyster and I own it if only briefly.

Low downs - way ups. This path is not a solid brick path. It is oceanic - a life of living like we are on a raft bobbing in the waves. There are days when it is difficult to find purchase. We are at sea.

The mirror especially struck me. I hate mirrors. When I moved in this house there were mirrors in almost every room. I took most of them down, except for those stupid mirror tiles in the basement which are affixed to the wall with glue and therefore can't be removed (I rent this house). And the bathroom mirrors. It is agony in the morning having to look into those.

Reflections of who we were or of what happened to us. And there is a legacy for any woman who's life has brushed up against a violent man. The moment is never gone. It remains there in smells, sounds, feelings.

(((( Monster ))))

You are brave.

[AlisonMarie]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

Reflections of who we were or of what happened to us. And there is a legacy for any woman who's life has brushed up against a violent man. The moment is never gone. It remains there in smells, sounds, feelings.

I have such a different feeling when it comes to mirrors. I have such a bad idea of who I am, the mistakes I have made, but when I look in the mirror, I am often surprised by what I see. I see someone pretty, looking confident and happy, when I don't feel that way inside at all. I often wonder if people see me and think I have such a perfect life, free from unwanted adoptions and abortions, and single motherhood, but I know the real story. And I think most people would be surprised.

[Jackiejdajda]

Quantum

It's ok to take care of yourself!

Ha.. so right!

I just quoted Solinger in another thread..

Page 96 ‘Wake Up Little Susie’..Rickie Solinger

Relinquishment involved a psychiatric paradox for the unwed mother. According to one condition of the theory, by giving up the child, she was embracing, as a worthy female, the ultimate act of renunciation and self denial. She thereby earned credentials as a redeemed woman and the prospective wife. According to a second condition, by renouncing her child, she was cutting off her experience of motherhood, which had affirmed, irrefutably, that she was a woman. With the act of relinquishment, she became more and less a woman at once.. The resolution of the paradox was in the hands of a man willing to marry her. With a husband, she could call on her proven capacities of self-denial in order to reconstruct herself as a legitimately pregnant mother and wife..


I know this was the bad old days.. but I wonder if it is now as well..
We redeem and do not take care of ourselves.. We give of ourselves and become the hero..
I never miss the chance to challenge the hero message when a woman gives a baby up for adoption..
We do the best we can in the situation.. and the baby is the one we are thinking of.. making sure is okay..
I do not think we do it in order to be loved and redeemed in the eyes of our loved ones.. If we do it for those reasons I think this needs to be sorted.. because then we are doing our lives on terms of others.. never a good thing..

Monster thanks for the offer.. right now I am totally eliminating milk products.. and trying in small bits.. I made an omelet the other day and put a bit of milk in it and I got the tummy ache.. I am going to get lactose free milk for cooking..
Any help will be appreciated..

Keds thanks for the words..
Also.. you wrote..

Me - thinking it's too much and I'm going to leave it all behind and start anew. I love my family but maybe a clean break and living on a different continent would be the best. Anyone ideas? Not running just saying this isn't for me.

I always wanted to run away.. I remember wondering what I would do with my books.. I have a wall of art books.. and self help books..
In the AW.. Julia Cameron asks what were your favorite toys.. I wrote book..
I loved my books.. I found my first favorite book once.. Mr. Auto.. I learned to read with Mr. Auto..
I still have it..
How could I run away without my books?

I think we got to learn how to say no.. and this is not what I want..

Janey

Low downs - way ups. This path is not a solid brick path. It is oceanic - a life of living like we are on a raft bobbing in the waves. There are days when it is difficult to find purchase. We are at sea.

I think of the line.. in an OA Daily reader..

“Pray to God but continue to row to shore.”

Do the work.. it says to me..
I often pray for help when I need it.. want it..
But doing the work is key to me.. I used to read my books and say .. that’s me.. and that’s me.. but I never did the things those books asked of me.. never understood that this was a lesson to be learned..
Something to digest and sort and do an ‘aha’ to..

I love the way you write Janey..

Jackie