[Jackiejdajda]

Wonderful news..

Thank you so much for sharing what happened..
I loved reading your post.. it did my heart good..

Jackie

[lglysson]

What a wonderful post, to hear that your visit went so well! Blessings to you!!

[Monster]

Hello again everyone, thanks for responding to me.
Well its been a week and i still don't feel much different i feel a sense of relief in my life its kinda strange i seem happier to myself but then again still kinda lost??? dose that makes since?? I have some question to those that have met their children i still really have not cried much about it only really when i had to say goodbye again that was hard but i refused to cry in front of my family so i held it in and still feel kinda ashamed to cry its weird..I'm not sure i felt guilty that the day was all about me i wanted to accommodate everyone in both families so much i lost what i was really there for it seems like i know in this kind of situation im not the only one who got hurt and is suffering from this it was my fathers first grand baby so on he also refuses to talk about it or show emotion i think to protect me or wait till i come to him but i just don't know how to please everyone here? I want so bad to talk about how i feel how i felt and also hear everyone's else's point of view but it was so taboo in the family no one wants to talk about it in efforts not to hurt another its such a vicious cycle, i feel torn in so many directions on what to do i feel stressed like i have to much work to do and not enough time and im scrambleing around like a crazy person even when the day is relaxed i feel all worked up..Any suggestions or ideas, im neglecting my feelings and my normal life putting to much time into this but im really afraid once i take the focus off everyone else and put it on me i will feel all the feelings i have not yet had??

[finallyamom0310]

I just wanted to say that I have been following this thread and am so happy for you that the visit went so well. I do suggest that you find a way to focus on your feelings though. Was a future visit discussed? That might be a way for you to focus on you and your feelings. Sometimes second time is a charm.

[Monster]

Thank you, But actually i have not spoken to my daughter since the day i left its been two weeks im really sad i have been e mailed by the mother and father and i know they are really busy with school and after school projects i just dont want to loose the connection that we had, i dont want to become distant like before and loose touch. But then again i dont want to push myself on anyone either.

[Monster]

Hello everyone,

Its been some time since i have gotten on. Life has been all over you know how it is, i have spoken to my little girls once since i got back it was easy and smooth i must say this has all been a hugh blessing, im still haveing a hard time getting my family to open up about it and how they are copeing with things but i guess all good things need time. Well i plan on to try and save up and go out there again i miss her so much already, in some sick way i feel i want a child that i want to be a mother but part of me feels quilty to feel that way how am i suppose to have a child when i couldnt even take care of her? Well i know its silly but no worries its just a though no action i know im not ready maybe a cat or something for now . Anyway i hope all is well out there for everyone and thanks for the support really dose make a diffrence

[finallyamom0310]

Try not to worry about what she will think when you become a mother AGAIN. Remeber you are a mother to her too. Just because you aren't parenting her doesn't mean you are not a mother to her and she will know that the more you are in her life.

I am happy that you have spoken with her now since your visit. Have you discussed a regular phone call or email communication situation yet? Maybe having something set up but also telling her to call when she wants will help keep things moving to a more open relationship.

[Monster]

Yes actually the communication has gotten allot better between us and her family, But I think im going to see a therapist I have been haveing a really hard time with this lately i cant really understand why after 7 years that now i feel at a loss with myself im sad allot and feel alone and empty now. I have a good job great friends and a supportive boyfriend but i just cant seem to find happiness in any of it right now, I know it seems silly to wright all the time and not seem satisfied with life i have allot of great things to be happy about, but ever since i went home and delt with this my life and myself has changed and as much as i would like to say for the better well is has not everyone has noticed im not myself, well i really just needed to vent im hopeing to find someone who has had the same feelings or suggestions i work out i eat good i dont drink i sleep 8 hours why am i depressed why do i know feel so empty and alone....

[keds]

Monster, I am almost 28 years in and just now going through what you are feeling. It has nothing to do with anyone but yourself - finally realizing, hey, I'm not happy - nothing wrong with that and I applaude you counselling is the way to go - better not to hide the pain. I too have a great husband, family, work, etc.and I am "nuts" to be depressed but that isn't it and the majority of them realize when they know my past. Many people have "a lot to be happy about" but, in my opinion, we may never recover but learn to cope. Even knowing, as my bson as told me, that he has had a good life, the guilt torments me but I will overcome it with help. I know in my heart, for him, he has had a much better life, but, as others don't understand, that doesn't make me feel any better. Hang in there, it does get easier. take care and PM me if you need a shoulder or a rock.

[Monster]

Hello everyone,

Well i have good and bad news, Ill start with good my daughter and I have gotton allot closer and my family by her has been keeping in close contact, my little neice and nephew go and play with her and everyone is on good terms both familys seem open and content with everthing a real God send.

So on to the bad my daughter kinda asked about her bfather, with that i should let you all know that her aparents found him and he is in prison for a long time, so i got the info and wrote him a letter not sure why or what i expected.Well he wrote back and he was nice really nice not at all what i expected anyway he apologized for any of my pain said i did the right thing and that he loved me and hoped we could be friends he never stop thinking about me or OUR baby girl that bothered me allot, But i know its wrong for me to hate him and avoid telling my child she has a birthfather right, i mean i know all people make mistakes and can change but can someone change from being a monster? Is it fair of me to deny her information about him? I want her to know that i loved her all the way and my life is better with her in it but im not sure i feel good about him being part of it, but i never want her to have an open void in life. I know i opened this box but i guess i never expected a reply let alone a positive one. Im i crazy to chase this perfect life and want an all round kinda peace in my life???

[finallyamom0310]

First of all, congrats that things are working out well with you and your daughter and your family. That is fantastic news.

As for the information, maybe you can hold the information till your daughter is old enough to explain a bit more to her. She might not understand right now that you worry about her well being with him till you know that he really has changed. That said, I would not withold the info though. Down the road if she knows it is withheld permanently it will hurt your relationship with her. I still wish we knew DD's bfather.

[Monster]

I agree i never want her to feel she cant trust me, i said yes you have a Bfather and he loves you. But how do i confront my rapist after all these years im afraid of him still i would never tell him that or her, Would he ever hurt her?
I know what its like to loose a child and i never want to be that person who prevents another from some joy in there life yes he is her father like it or not i thought it was right he knew about her and how great her life is i would never wish a loss of a child on anyone not even him.
Or is this just some stupid high im on being so opened minded and understanding to him? Ugh i feel so lost and angry with myself.

[finallyamom0310]

Can I ask you something? How long will he be in jail? I ask as maybe you can protect her from all the truths till she can fully understand and till you know you have to as he will be out. Just a thought.

As for confronting your rapist, first let me say, I am sorry about being raped in the first place. Next, some day you will have to confront your own fears. It seems you have started to do that when you sent the letter in the first place. Now it is time to digest his letter back to you. Take a few weeks to let it really sink in before you decide what to do next. Sometimes time answers your questions.

[Monster]

Thank you

Well as of right now he will be there till 2025 but up for bail in 2018 if on good terms.
See i grew up in the court system he could be released for being over crowded or technicality so i never belive what i hear, I know thats a long time and gives me more then plenty to deal and for her to understand she will be 32 by the time he gets out.
As for my rape im sure i deserved it so im not really sure if its fair i punish him we were both young and dumb but i really love my daughter i do no question i never want her to hurt like me or make the same mistakes as me i want to protect her from all the evil out there so im more then wiling to take that burden forever,.
Iwant to belive her father is a good man and has changed and could be a positive person in her life, but how will i ever know what is right here.
I will never tell her i was raped not ever but i will never bash her bdad name how she feels about him i want her to decide for herself. Ill be fine the letter stung a little but i have gotten pretty thick skin in life but when it comes to her and the right thing to do i feel lost and hopeless

[quantum]

Originally Posted by Monster

As for my rape im sure i deserved it

((((((Monster)))))) please sweetie, no one EVER EVER EVER deserves it!
I know it's an easy trap to fall into...but try to beleive, to understand, to know, no one EVER deserves to be raped.