[Monster]

thank you peach its sweet you feel that way..The name kinda means something to me i guess.I go in September so i will let you all know how it goes you as well keep me posted its nice to someone to talk to.

[Monster]

Hello everyone it has been some time since i have written to you but im struggling again with some things. I have not slept in about a week for some reason i cant relax or get my mind to stop thinking.
Second i go to meet my child in two weeks and im starting to get numb to it she has called a few times and we have talked but i have not once called her i get the phone then i sit there for hours debateing if i should call what should i say dose she want me to call is it to late i think im driveing myself crazy.
her Amom and dad have been really supportive and great listening and talking to me, but im confused why im dealing with it this way i use to feel something but now i dont feel anything. I have been trying to find her father but i fear it will set me back if i do but something inside me tells me to find him and make peace in my heart with it but i fear he may hurt her aand thats not a risk worth takeing. Please help me out

[lovemy6]

As nervous as you are, I'm sure they're nervous too. I am an adoptive mom, not biomom, so we're at other ends of your situation. We have an OA with our kids' birthfamily. I get SO nervous before I call them to set up visitations. I sit at the phone just hoping I don't sound so nervous.

I wouldn't include your dd's biofather in anything that has to do with her right now. He doesn't sound like he would be a good influence in her life.

Good luck to you. I've been following your story and I'm praying that it all goes well. Just be yourself. You are giving such a gift to your dd!

[Jackiejdajda]

Monster

her Amom and dad have been really supportive and great listening and talking to me, but im confused why im dealing with it this way i use to feel something but now i dont feel anything. I have been trying to find her father but i fear it will set me back if i do but something inside me tells me to find him and make peace in my heart with it but i fear he may hurt her aand thats not a risk worth takeing. Please help me out

Take care of yourself.. if you can’t do something don’t do it..
Give yourself permission to take care of yourself..

As an adult child of alcoholic I was the caretaker.. I took care of everyone else at the cost of myself..
Its an impossible thing to do.. and I also remember nights of staying awake and wondering why me..

If you can do it.. don’t..
If you are having panic attacks pull back.. be honest with the aparents..

Keep writing here when its bad..

Jackie

[Monster]

Thank you its so nice that you are willing to talk to me even tho im biomom, I have so much fear in my life since all this has happend nothing in my life has been simple or easy. Relationships either with men or family has never come easy i never had the support of anyone till now but it sometimes dose not feel real..I guess what im trying to say is i know her Aparents are more then happy to have her and i know what i did was right but as i get older i think to myself could i share my child with someone else, im really trying to put myself in there shoes for once. I want my daughter to know me and why i did what i did so she has no void but i dont want her to be a distracted from her real life, she's young and can't understand that the life she has with them is better then the life i could have ever given to her..

Im so scared to be honest, I want to run and hide from this shut off and forget these feelings, This started to be a good thing but as it goes on it has pulled alot of painful memories and feelings, i feel like that little helpless girl again afraid of everything and totally alone, i have bad dreams, cry all the time cant be around kids even people. but other days i feel strong ill talk to them or her and i feel brave and ok, but then i wind down from the excitement of things and realize im comeing unraveled. I have to go see her no question about that its like a monster in my closet if i always hide from it ill never face it for what it is life is already hard enough now add the weight of this world and it seems to much.I wish i could express my joy and pain evenly so you dont feel im a nut case, but these feelings are real and i dont know what to do or if im the only one?

[bumblebeeskies]

Monster,

Have you talked w/ a doctor about your depression and anxiety? He/She may be able to prescribe something to at least lessen your symptoms. Meds have worked well for me.

[Jackiejdajda]

Monster

Im so scared to be honest, I want to run and hide from this shut off and forget these feelings,

You can take care of yourself.. its allowed..
You can get right with yourself before you ask more than what you can do..

No one is judging you.. There is no right or wrong here..

This started to be a good thing but as it goes on it has pulled alot of painful memories and feelings, i feel like that little helpless girl again afraid of everything and totally alone,

But you are not alone.. we understand.. and I bet others in your real time life would understand..

For you to go and visit your birthdaughter.. is.. IMO something I could not have done.. heck I could not even think of my bson.. I could not remember his birthday.. I blocked any thoughts of him for years. .and years..

i have bad dreams, cry all the time cant be around kids even people. but other days i feel strong ill talk to them or her and i feel brave and ok, but then i wind down from the excitement of things and realize im comeing unraveled.

You can take care of you.. You can say no..and do what you really want to do..this on terms of making yourself the prime person here..

If you can not handle this do not do it.. take some time to mend and heal..
Not many women/men can handle an OA.. easy.. It takes an emotionally strong person IMO..

You can tell your little girl that you love her and you can tell her that right now you can not handle this.. do this..

Give yourself permission to stand down.. if needs must.

I have to go see her no question about that its like a monster in my closet if i always hide from it ill never face it for what it is life is already hard enough now add the weight of this world and it seems to much.

As I wrote some women can not do this.. I could not have done this.. it would have taken me out..
Know your limits.. learn your limits..

You got the rest of your life to sort this.. your little girl is fine.. she may be disappointed but heck.. if you can’t do it.. you can’t..

I wish i could express my joy and pain evenly so you dont feel im a nut case, but these feelings are real and i dont know what to do or if im the only one?

I understand totally.. totally.. and I am worried about how you are pushing yourself way beyond human ability.. When meeting our kids we need to be strong.. have had therapy.. solid in self.. then we can weather the emotions that come at us..
Do you have someone that can go with you? That can give you a hug when it is over?

Jackie

[Monster]

Bumblebee thank you and yes i have spoken to doctors i have to be hosnest its been brief i have a hard time opening up to someone that has not experienced this kind of pain or fear, they know what they know from reading a book or takeing a class not from real life so its hard to listen to there advice . I know a real negative way to look at things, i do take some medication at times only for what they think is PTSD for the dreams and anxiety, but im not much for drugs due to my past. I wish i could just be normal sleep at night have normal relationships with people, have happy thoughts..
Jakie a special thanks to your support i think of your words when im at my lowest point. I wish i could show how improtant it is that i go, i asked for OA before i knew what it was now i wish i would have been more educated dont get me wrong im happy to be a part of her life..
Hhhmmm well back to the begging of the reason i must go my mother failed to be there for us for whatever reason it was that day, I could not possibly be that mother to my birthchild i walked away once from her already it would be wrong to deny her the wish to see me, No matter the toll it takes on me would be worth the smile on her face the knowing i never abandoned her or gave up, my mother left a hugh void in my life one to this day i fill with anything i can not always good, If i knew on day my child could avoid all the hardships of life for one visit could change her life forever in my fantasy world she grow up stronger smarter and braver then me. But then life is tricky it could send her fragile little mind in to melt down i will never deny her my love. With that i guess i have my answers to some things now i see it written down i just wish i could get my emotions in check..
Also anyone with ideas about how to avoid these night mares would be great i had one so real lastnight i didnt know where i was at when i woke up my boyfried is a great support but it really freaked him out to wake up to my crying in my sleep the my hasteria when i woke up i thought it was real i mean even now when i think about it it still seems real .
Oh and yes my twin sister and my boyfriend are going with me its in my home town so my father and older sister will be there as well. I will go alone to meet her..Then go home to deal

[Jackiejdajda]

Monster

Jakie a special thanks to your support i think of your words when im at my lowest point. I wish i could show how improtant it is that i go, i asked for OA before i knew what it was now i wish i would have been more educated dont get me wrong im happy to be a part of her life..

Sharing with us on why you must go may solidify your thinking.. reasons why.

Hhhmmm well back to the begging of the reason i must go my mother failed to be there for us for whatever reason it was that day, I could not possibly be that mother to my birthchild i walked away once from her already it would be wrong to deny her the wish to see me, No matter the toll it takes on me

You wrote in your first post..

She lives in my old home town i moved when she was born cause i couldnt stand the thought of being around but not around, now im 24 housrs drive away..

And in another post..

My mother was a drug addict alcoholic who ruined my life starting at 2 till now i remember her telling me i will come i promise and i would wait and wait and wait till the sun went down

Children of alcoholic can pretend so well and can hide their disappointments.. Taught how to do this from very early on..

John Bradshaw tells a story about a child a boy.. that needed glasses.. his parents never got his eyes tested.. (this is from memory so I may have parts wrong)… Then the little boy is bought a baseball glove.. an adult one.. and is expected to play catch with his dad.. the glove does not fit.. and still he must catch the ball.. then the father throws the ball into the air.. and the boy tries so hard to catch the ball but he can not even see the ball..

I know I got that mixed up but the point is there..
Us who were raised the way we were.. were expected to do things that were impossible..
And in turn it became who we are..
I was raped by the abortionist.. or sexually abused.. my mom sent me in there to ask for it for less money.. as we did not have enough cash..
Use your looks she said.. and I was abused..
I left that office and did not say a thing to anyone.. I went on to the rest of my day.. I stood in a lineup.. for green card stuff as I had a job.. and needed it to live on Grand Bahamas Island.. I was to be a stewardess (impossible again) after the abortion..

I fainted.. I just fainted while standing in the line.. had never done anything like this before..

My sister.. her son was in a bike accident.. and his leg was mangled.. she had no emotions and just sat next to the bed.. and then got up to walk out of the room and fainted..

Same thing.. great trauma and the no showing of emotions..

I write about this because if you can see it.. what is happening then maybe you can do it with greater ease..
maybe you can do it while keeping that part of you that is traumatized held tight.. and loved..
(I do not know if I am getting out what I am trying to say.. )
This so when you go back to your home town then maybe you can hold on to yourself and deal with it without making the thing impossible..
And doing it anyway.. what I did..

would be worth the smile on her face the knowing i never abandoned her or gave up,

Then that’s the incentive.. that’s the thing to keep high in your mind when you go.. The reason why you are walking through some very hard memories..

my mother left a hugh void in my life one to this day i fill with anything i can not always good, If i knew on day my child could avoid all the hardships of life for one visit could change her life forever in my fantasy world she grow up stronger smarter and braver then me.

I think you are very brave.. and strong..

But then life is tricky it could send her fragile little mind in to melt down i will never deny her my love. With that i guess i have my answers to some things now i see it written down i just wish i could get my emotions in check..

You can.. when the going gets hard.. keep something with you that gives you power.. something that reminds you of a time when you were strong.. print up the words here that help you and keep them with you to read when you need to..
A book.. I love my books.. Melody Beatties.. The Language of Letting Go.. her daily reader.. so much wisdom..
You can look at the index in the back and look for what wisdom you need..

Also anyone with ideas about how to avoid these night mares would be great i had one so real lastnight i didnt know where i was at when i woke up my boyfried is a great support but it really freaked him out to wake up to my crying in my sleep the my hasteria when i woke up i thought it was real i mean even now when i think about it it still seems real .

You can start mending today.. you can do the sorting..
There are meetings you can go to.. you can find folks that have dealt with the same thing.. same issues..
And you can find a guide.. a therapist when you are ready..
And you can understand that what happened to you on terms of your mom was wrong.. maybe the little girl in you does not know this.. but there are ways..

Oh and yes my twin sister and my boyfriend are going with me its in my home town so my father and older sister will be there as well. I will go alone to meet her..Then go home to deal

Good.. wonderful..

Jackie

[Monster]

Jackie, Thank you for always responding..Im really not sure what to say but my heart hurts for you as you told me your story i know how it feels to think you owe somone something because of the situation you are in, And the anger for a mother who is suppose to cure the fear and pain to use your weakness against you , I must also say this forum has made me realize alot about myself, I have fears and anxiety along with half the world. But i also have a since of hate that i have not yet seen expressed here maybe out of fear of others to be judged for there anger..I must say i have been reading alot of the other stories and my heart starts to bleed when i look at myself i see a happy outgoing beatiful person who cares for every detail of life.....
Then i take off my mask i think people want to see and all i see is filth hate and anger a MONSTER i remeber what life use to feel taste and look like before the damage of my innocents, my started young and worsend as i got older some damage i caused myself but mostly it was what others did to me that cause me the most of my pain..
UM sorry im in a strange mood today i was totally betrayed this weekend by a so called friend, Witch pushes more to the point on why i must do some of these things in my life. If everyone in the world were to hurt bring down another i would want to be that person to pick up there broken pieces and fix them all in hopes i would never have to pick up and fix my own. Crazy but true its acceptable to me the faults and hardships of others, But i would never allow myself to be brought down by these demonds and reach out for help.(until now).
Ugh im sorry to ramble on my hole point of this is my way of saying thank you for the first time i have been able to say its ok to cry its ok to be angry its ok to talk about it, Now its time to deal get up wipe myself off and push threw this life with a happy heart.I know not over night but i have been betryed so much in life i never opened up to people you all here are the first but maybe is because none of you have a face .

[Jackiejdajda]

Monster

Then i take off my mask i think people want to see and all i see is filth hate and anger a MONSTER i remeber what life use to feel taste and look like before the damage of my innocents, my started young and worsend as i got older some damage i caused myself but mostly it was what others did to me that cause me the most of my pain..

We can sort through this stuff.. It can be done..
Others do harm and we can not let them win.. must not..

Then know not what they do.. some of them..
I do not think my mom knew what she did when she sent me in there.. and heck she used booze to keep herself going.. numbed it..

UM sorry im in a strange mood today i was totally betrayed this weekend by a so called friend, Witch pushes more to the point on why i must do some of these things in my life. If everyone in the world were to hurt bring down another i would want to be that person to pick up there broken pieces and fix them all in hopes i would never have to pick up and fix my own.

We decide to love ourselves.. we make a decision and then we get to work..
I know you have to get though this meeting of your daughter it is very very important to you.. but get through it then get on with taking care of and loving you..

From Advice From a Failure.. Jo Courdet

Page 18

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself.
The single relationship truly central and crucial in a life is
the relationship to the self. It is rewarding to find someone
whom you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is
quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent
human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as
acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are wor-
thy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to be-
lieve yourself deserving of these things. For you cannot
live in someone else. You cannot find yourself in someone
else. You cannot be given a life by someone else. Of all the
people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one
you will never leave nor lose. To the question of your life,
you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you
are the only solution.

Crazy but true its acceptable to me the faults and hardships of others, But i would never allow myself to be brought down by these demonds and reach out for help.(until now).

My daughter is 31 and she has been through some hard things.. and I wish I could help her but I cant..
I am glad you are reaching out for help.. and I understand a lot of it..
It’s a fight to get right with ourselves.. but its worth the journey..

Ugh im sorry to ramble on my hole point of this is my way of saying thank you for the first time i have been able to say its ok to cry its ok to be angry its ok to talk about it, Now its time to deal get up wipe myself off and push threw this life with a happy heart.I know not over night but i have been betryed so much in life i never opened up to people you all here are the first but maybe is because none of you have a face

I do best with on line words.. You are one of us.. This can be a place where you can sort the sorting..

Do not give up.. keep pushing..

Jackie

[Monster]

Jackie thanks again you always know what to say to make things seem a little better, I wanted to tell you that i have talked to my daughter alot this week she called cause she was board and thought of me I think it was sweet we also talked alot about her likes and hobbies gosh she sure is into alot of the things i was at her age it kinda freaks me out that we have never met but we are the same person..Any way i know my last message was kinda dark it has been comeing and going alot for me but i just put my head up high and think it could be worse..So right now things are good i hope soon to be great i leave in 9 days and i couldnt feel better about it right now

[Jackiejdajda]

Does my heart good to read your post..

Take care of you.. and know I am sending all the luck and good wishes I can..

Jackie

[Monster]

Hello everyone i just wanted to wwright to tell you all bout my trip...Well it went great i stressed over nothing really..Ok here is the story when i got to there house on Friday the 5th her birthday i pulled up ready to cry or pass out, mind you we have talked on the phone alot at this point so i was rather calm, i get out of my car to see my little girl running down the drive way and jump into my arms as if i had known her my hole life and just got home from work or something i felt so good and warm inside she was beautiful oh so beautiful at that moment there was no fear i walked up to the door to be greeted by the intire family..I felt like i knew them so well the night went great we open gifts ate cake and dinner took tones of pictures she also made me a gift hand made totally great of course, that night she read me a story and i layed in bed with her and talked till 11 she didnt want me to go..I must say the family has kept here very open and answered all her questions i think thats why she felt so comfortable with me, Also i realized i made a great desicion the family was perfect for her and she was such a happy smart girl i could not have been happier with my decision, to make it short we spent every wakeing minute together my hole family got to meet her she insisted on it my niece and nephew got to play with her my sisters my father my boyfriend all fully excepted into the new family it was so comfortable i cant tell you how it felt it just felt so good..Also i never told you all but my rapist was never charged for my rape so he got off scott free well so i thought i looked him up to find God put him in his place he got 25 years for armed robbery and other bad decisions i now feel safe knowing where he is relife to say the least..Im still kinda numb but i think it was system over load im sure it will hit home soon..Thanks for listening i have so much more to say but its getting long..

[quantum]

WOW! What a FANTASTIC update monster!

I hope that things continue to go well and that you further develop the relationship with your beautiful little girl and her family.