[Tigger27]

and you knew your child was there, but you were only in a somewhat open adoption with no phone calls or visits yet, what would you do and how would you feel?

Would you still move there if you knew your child was there or not?

[JustPeachy]

Well, in my situation, I had a semi-open and although I didn't know where my child/his parents lived, I knew it was in a suburb of the city I lived in. If I had found out which suburb, I'm not sure if I would have moved there or not. I guess it would depend on the reason for the move. If it was for a better job, or my spouse was being relocated, or some other compelling reason, I think I would still move, but I think I would want some distance, i.e. I wouldn't think to move next door or in the same subdivision. If it was just "oh, I found out where my child lives and I want to be in close proximity even though we don't have an open arrangement" I would not be comfortable with that. I think it would feel for me too much like stalking! Even if I had an open adoption, I don't know that I'd want things to be quite so close. I'd want there to be some space or distance. I think if I saw my son in the same town all the time, it would be very hard for me.

[RavenSong]

Actually, I moved away from my hometown when my son (closed adoption) was about 5 years old. I knew he lived there somewhere, and about the time he started kindergarten, I found myself staring at every little boy around his age, wondering if he was mine. It was driving me crazy. So when an opportunity arose to attend college out of state, I jumped at it.

I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday. About a month or so later, I moved back to my hometown so that we could get to know each other more easily. It was one of the best decisions I ever made...

[thanksgivingmom]

DD's Mom and I already live close-ish. Not to where I think we're going to bump into each other but I know we've been to the same places at similar times so it is possible. That's the way it's always been for us though but if I were to move closer to her, for work or something I can't see that she would have a problem with it.

I would think it would be odd to move to the same town if you had no other reason, but assuming there's something, a job, your hubby, family, etc. I wouldn't think it odd at all. So yeah, I would move.

Aparents can move as they please - closer, further, etc. Why shouldn't you be able to???

[belleinblue1978]

I'd move there if it were for work, family, whatever. Just to move there though? nope...

[quantum]

I'm with the others. I guess a tricky question would be if you're offered two situations that are similar (like jobs...) and one is close to your birthchild and the other is not...
I guess I might consider being close my birthchild, especially if there was the possibility that the adoption might become more open?

[agathaj]

I sort of live close to bdaughter, I know the school she goes to and the street they live in. I don't go anywhere near either place. I am glad I don't have to go anywhere near their suburb. It would be well out of my way. To me I would only go to their home if I was invited and even then I think I would refuse...eeek too scary, too many emotions. Hmmm I think I would refuse a job if it was in their suburb but imagine if you met some wonderful man and he lived nearby or your best friend did? That would be difficult. There is a chance that we could cross paths at a mall in a different part of the city but I usually don't go to the malls popular with teens for that reason. I have to admit I do give it thought because I don't want to cross paths. Perhaps more distance would be better but right now I can't rearrange my life so I do the best I can to keep a low profile.

[agathaj]

It made me wonder how I would feel if they moved closer to me? I would not be happy because right now I want more distance. I do shop etc where I think they would never go to but to be honest I'm only guessing. I think most people usually stay close to home for shopping etc. But each party has a right to live where they want...

[Janeytwo]

Dear Anne,

Hi. Unless it was because hubby got transferred or promoted; unless it was for that - no I wouldn't move.

Because it would mean leaving my eldest daughter and my grandson behind and also uprooting my youngest daughter.

The pain of missing my children wouldn't justify such a thing.

And not because I don't love my son & daughter any less, just because I have to be thankful for what I have. Take the blessings my daughters offer me and be grateful for them.

Janey

[Janeytwo]

I knew he lived there somewhere, and about the time he started kindergarten, I found myself staring at every little boy around his age, wondering if he was mine.

I have done similar things to this. Only for me it was more to do with work. When someone who would've been roughly my childrens' age would join the company, I'd find myself discreetly staring at them and thinking "Could this be my child?"

Oddly, I think this has to do with a movie I saw once with Dyan Cannon where she played Sally Brown. Apparently one of Sally's campaign aides ended up being her own daughter she'd given up years before. It always struck me the synchronicity of that and I sort of attached myself to it. Like a magical hope kind of thing.

Janey









It was driving me crazy. So when an opportunity arose to attend college out of state, I jumped at it.

I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday. About a month or so later, I moved back to my hometown so that we could get to know each other more easily. It was one of the best decisions I ever made...[/quote]

[lahdh4]

Just to move there because, no, but if there was another reason, heck yeah.
We all ready don't live that far from each other but it is enough where I am not looking around hoping I spot them.

[keds]

I too would not move just to be closer (unless he asked) as I find myself looking for him when I do have other reasons to be in town (which is quite often).

Also, I'm more afraid of running into him when he's with his friends or family that may make it awkward for him. Is it worse to smile and acknowledge him only and not saying anything or having him put in a position to explain me?

For now, we are about the right distance apart - close enough for planned visits but not too close that we're anxious.

[julie23]

when i placed my daughter, the adoptive parents promised pics and updates. these did not come. I lived in the same city as them for the first two years of her life... and yes, like so many of us, i looked for her face in every baby girl i saw...

it soon grew disconcerting to realize that i would probably not recognize her if I did run across her.... but it didn't stop me from looking....

and i moved away. ran away is probably a more accurate description. ran away from that place. that place where grief was unresolved... or perhaps, not allowed.... where wrongs were not put right... that place where my daughter lived a life beyond me... just out of my reach.... just at the edge of my fingertips...

and then, 14 years later..... when i mistakenly believed I had "dealt" with all that... but had really just stuffed it into a bottle, tightly sealed inside my heart... God moved me back there.

I would never have picked that place to go to... although it was a nice place. and in my wildest dreams i never imagined my husband being transfered there... as there isn't any large facility there.... but it happened... which is why i say it was God...

and i took myself back there... i was at a great place in my life... spiritually strong... financially stable... "all grown up".... a wife, a mother of three...

from the moment i landed in that place... that cork shot out of that bottle... and all those stuffed feelings came back full force....

I believed that she probably still lived there.. but I did not know for sure... and everywhere i went... I looked for her... in the face of every 16 year old that walked by... at the mall... at McDonalds... especially at church... i thought the adoptive parents were Christians... and so, I thought perhaps she would be in a church...

and then began the sorting.... all the sorting of all the stuff i had never dealt with.... and finding this place... for the first time in my life... communicating with other birthmothers!! it was quite an amazing thing...

but for me, moving back there was like God taking a baseball bat to my knees... it really was. it was crushing. the loss that had never been properly grieved was determined to force me to grieve...

in a way, it seems like i have been grieving ever since... like there just isn't any end to it....

and i discovered so many teeny tiny things... things that seemed to not matter... that i realized had caused me pain.... things that needed to be sorted.

after my daughter was born, i changed my mind... i wanted to raise her. but was not allowed... or at least any kind of help would clearly be withheld... and i was not allowed to see her that last time.

they had promised me one last time... i knew i had that time to say good bye. but they left me in the parking lot of the agency. my parents, grandparents, aunt, brother and sister all went inside to see my daughter... they all went inside to say goodbye. and they did not allow me to say good bye.

after living in that place again... two years later, we discovered we were relocating. and these things came back to haunt me... i was almost near panicked at the thought of not saying "good bye"... even though she never even knew i was there.... and of course, i didn't even know whether she cared about me or not... but somehow, i could not leave that place without saying "good bye"...

and i wrote that letter... that ended up in us being reunited... (a reunion that is now ended)

it turned out she didn't live in that place anymore.... it turned out they had moved away when she was seven.

now, would i move near her?? it simply isn't a choice. we go where my husbands career takes us.... we have recently moved to a location quite close to where she lives... and when i had to drive back to the old place... on two different occasions, the quickest route would take me through the city she lives in.... my heart was not strong enough to even risk running in to her... so, we went the scenic route... we added an hour to our drive so I did not have to drive through that city.

j

[Janeytwo]

Hey Julie!

I'm jumbling up your letter but wanted to respond.

First and foremost:

but they left me in the parking lot of the agency. my parents, grandparents, aunt, brother and sister all went inside to see my daughter...

Julie....this set my teeth on edge! My God! Such a viscious and spiteful act on the part of your family! Then again, I shouldn't be shocked. Spite! It is the soul domain of the family dynamic! Only blood does this. That is my experience. Non-blood will shun me or whisper behind my back. But blood relations? Oh...most of us were going to pay and pay dearly!

I have to work very hard on this because my family has a singular talent for spite. It is their stock and trade. Example - divorce. The rule in my mothers generation - her siblings -was that divorce was tantamout to personal failure and personal failure is not acceptable EVER. My father dang near killed my mother but that was no excuse. She divorced him - she failed. So they cut her from their life. No acceptions. See ya...wouldn't want to be ya. That is one of the reasons I have been able to continue a relationship with her even though she's passed judgement on me in a cold and ruthless manner. It was done to her. It is all she knows. It has been a life-long struggle to let the buck stop with me I can tell you that and I have to extremely careful not to fall into the trap. Whew!

when i placed my daughter, the adoptive parents promised pics and updates. these did not come.

A life of empty promises....it must be difficult to trust anyone at all.

and i moved away. ran away is probably a more accurate description. ran away from that place. that place where grief was unresolved... or perhaps, not allowed....

Definately not allowed; that is how I read it. Julie, my heart goes out to you. You were young and caught in a prison of someone else's making; a prisoner of someone's elses skewed doctrine; of someone's self-righteousness. The self-righteous; there are none I despise more. And I despise them so greatly that I refuse to apologize for it. (LOL! Right now there are church bells ringing in the background. That is God saying, take it easy Janey...I made the self-righteous people too you know) Janey to God: "Yeah I know and I'm sorry I get so het up sometimes. But dude...really....what were You doing that day? Playing golf?"

that place where my daughter lived a life beyond me... just out of my reach.... just at the edge of my fingertips...

No words to describe how much I hurt for you reading this.

and in my wildest dreams i never imagined my husband being transfered there... as there isn't any large facility there.... but it happened... which is why i say it was God... from the moment i landed in that place... that cork shot out of that bottle... and all those stuffed