[majicka414]

I'm not sure if L's a-Dad is the cause of this, or if it's normal to "pull away" after the initial newness wears off..but I didn't think the novely would wear off in a few days!

The past week has been a very strange, emotional rollercoaster for me. The first few days of "reunion" L would message me almost daily wanting to chat, and we would chat for 10 mins or so daily, then it just stopped. I figured OK she's busy and 15, this is how 15 year old are...

Saturday afternoon I get a phone call from A-Dad. He's decided to change the meeting plan to a Diner, and A-Mom is going to be present too. He talkes to me kind of nasty , but I couldn't really respond to it at the moment since I was in a public place. One of his comments was I dont want you talking via AIM or email for hours on end because you have the potential to influence her big time. I'm thinking to myself, does this guy think I'm some horrible human being who's going to turn his little girl into some crazy lunatic? jeezus keerist..

So when I get home I email him and basically tell him it sounds like he's not ready for me to be in their lives and perhaps we should just cancel the meeting and do it some other time. I told him that I'm not here to steal his daughter, and it was his perrogative to give her my info, the letter was addressed to him, and it was his choice to have her contact me... He messages me back with, no he thinks L really needs this..she's apparently been having some issues with being adopted (probably the same issues all of us adoptees have) and he's hoping meeting/knowing me can help relieve some of her baggage. We chatted back and forth for awhile and I understand where he's coming from (he has all the fears one would expect an ADad to have), and him and I came to an understanding. His "influential comment" had more to do with that he has no idea who I am as a human being..and he doesn't know what kind of influence I will be on her, again totally understandable. So now Adad and I have a very very blunt, open communication going which is good.

I'm also kinda pissed off (and her bfather is too about this) that AMom and ADad have been divorced/seperated for 12 years. From what L has told me its been really hard on her because they fight over stupid stuff, but she's used to it..talk about making me feel guilty... While talking to the bdad, I was like did they ever give you any indication that things weren't going well? He even said no. I understand people have issues and divorce..but your going to tell me bad enough to get divorced issues cropped up in 3 short years??? I guess I just don't get it?

I really have mixed feelings about this relationship...ADad says he really wants us to be in each others lives..he thinks she needs me. I'm just hoping this isn't a mistake and makes this kid more confused about life.

[EZ2Luv]

Wow. I can see both sides of this. You all are basically strangers to each other right now and any caring parent would of course be somewhat skeptical and protective. As an adoptee 'I' was certainly in no way shape or form for any type of contact or reunion with bmom. But this adoption stuff is not a one size fits all thing. Some kids are just curious, others have that void that needs to be filled and yet others as myself would be extremely resentful of any knid of contact. My best advice to you is sort of go with the flow. Let you bdaughter take the lead. How does she feel about meeting? I am sure she is interested in you since she has been communicating with you.

Then as far as being impressionable, we all know that some 15yr olds can be rebellious and know how to push their parent's buttons. Add adoption to the mix and anything is possible. He is probably fearing adaughter will want to leave home (not that you would tell her to or try to take her away from afamily). I am just throwing these possible fears that adad may have out there. Another thing too is teenagers sometimes play their parents against each other especially if they are divorced. Maybe bdaughter has done this in the past and adad is worried that he may do that with you too. When you think about it these are valid concerns even though you know that you would never intentionally ecourage that behavior. Adad knows bdaughter's personality and behaviors more than you do so he is just trying to stay on top of the game.

honestly, you seem to be on top of things so I think you will do fine. You certainly do not appear to be the needy clingy type that want contact and reunion no matter what (sadly there are some bmoms out there like that).
Once you all get to know each other you all can get a feel for each other, set boundries and form a relationship.

EZ

[majicka414]

Well, I'm on both sides, I'm adopted myself..and I know how weird I'd feel if I was in L's shoes..but yes I did email her and she is excited about meeting me, I made sure of that.

My biggest concern first and foremost is L. Yes, I want a relationship with her, but I don't want ANYONE in this to be uncomfortable... All parties have to be on board with this or it's not going to work..and that's fine..if we meet and Amom/Adad or even L feel it's too much too soon..that's cool.

I don't understand super clingy bmoms..you gave the child up for whatever reason..you can't barge into their lives expecting them to accept you with open arms, and love you like their mom. I can't imagine what or how I'd feel if/when my Bmom finds me. I just want L to know me, know where she came from and never have to have that wondering like I have.

Her Dad is trying to set boundaries with me, and I understand that. Over the course of several back and forth emails, he voiced his concerns and his fears , and I told him mine as well..I also hope that I helped quell his concerns and fears..at least somewhat.

[Jackiejdajda]

One of his comments was I dont want you talking via AIM or email for hours on end because you have the potential to influence her big time.

What a strange thing to say.. what a controlling thing to say..
You being the birthmom and being the person that is emotionally connected in many many ways.. is not supposed to influence her?

Its the old.. come here go away.. come here go away..

It sounds like you handled it well tho..

Jackie

[majicka414]

I think once ADad was able voice his fears and feelings to me about this whole situation, his words became more contextual. He told me he has a tendency to "say things harshly" when he's uncomfortable... so him and I came to an agreement that we would be straight up with each other.

Im just hoping that after we meet, we can start developing a relationship as it seems right now it's been kinda "put on hold" by him..again, understandable because she is 15.

it's just so frustrating it's like dangle the carrot then pull it away..I guess it is what it is and Ill see what happens after our meeting later on this month.

[Jackiejdajda]

No matter what our bsons or bdaughters age is.. patience is the key..
Learning how to do that there patience is hard..

Jackie

[majicka414]

patience has never been my virtue..but I'm trying here..LOL.